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Joined: 5/5/2011
Posts: 3
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Still getting my sea legs in BookCountry, and just found this discussion.
@E D Johnson: you've described the genres of your two books, and they sound interesting, but haven't really given me any idea of the protagonist or plot.
I don't know whether mine is any better, but here 'tis:
"Dhara’s passion to master a yogi’s powers leads her straight into the arms of Prince Siddharth, whose spiritual hunger matches her own. But when their son is born, only one of them can pursue the yogi’s path to its end."
Any ideas on how to get it down to one sentence welcomed.
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Hope it's not too late to jump in on this one. Here's mine:
What's worse than showing up at your 20th high school reunion single, with a boring job and nothing to show for your former braininess? In a word: zombies.
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Joined: 6/11/2011
Posts: 17
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@Shelly Schanfield
Guess I was trying more for the high concept part than the hook. I was mostly going off Colleen's examples, which were much smaller than what I think most hooks are. But if we're trying for an actual hook, I guess I misunderstood the purpose here.
I would feel better offering feedback about your hook if I knew what a yogi was. The only suggestion I can make without that knowledge is to do something like... "Dhara's passion to master a yogi's power is equal to Prince Siddharth's, but when their son is born, only one can fully realize the power." Not sure if that helps or not, but it's the best I could do.
Please, allow me to give it another try for mine, now that I have a better understanding of the goal.
Affinity:
Being good at her job gets Gloria Shepherd kidnapped at gunpoint then rescued by a secret society, but joining the group will pit her against worse than guns.
Veil:
A demonic outsider absorbs his angelic foe only to find that she is fighting for dominance to set him down a path of righteousness, his wishes be damned.
@decalino
Zombies at a school reunion might actually be pleasant compared to the same old, same old! I think you have a good start, at least in my mind, but I think you stretched it too far. If I may suggest an alternative: "The only thing worse than the students at (Character's Name)'s 20th high school reunion are the zombies."
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Joined: 5/5/2011
Posts: 3
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@ E D Johnson
You have a knack for this, E D, judging by the suggestions for mine and @decalino's hooks. Thank you, your rewording of mine is great.
Also, I love both of your one-liners. Both books sound promising. I'm looking forward to reading your work.
FYI, a yogi is someone who studies yoga, the ancient spiritual tradition born in India.
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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Trying again. Would love feedback.
Claire’s mother is dead. Her marriage is dying. A chance meeting with a once in a lifetime love from her past, forces a crossroad: Save her marriage or chase the love she never let go of down the road not taken.
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Joined: 6/11/2011
Posts: 17
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@Tawni Peterson
My initial reaction is to ask, "Why are we bothering with Claire's mom?" Not that a dying mother isn't a tragedy, but in the overall feel of your hook, "romance" is more at the forefront than "tragedy." As such, I think that part can be safely removed or condensed.
The main conflict here is the choice of hubby or ex-lover, if I am not mistaken. You want to make that take center stage.
Perhaps something along these lines? "With her mother's passing and her shell of a marriage, Claire's chance meeting with an ex-lover forces her into a position of choosing between her husband and road not taken."
I would definitely feel free to tweak it, as I am not a romance writer by any stretch, but it has all the same details as your original. Hopefully it helps 
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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It definitely helps.
Deciding just how much information to in her choice, which is why I want to include it. However, as a romance what you said about focus is true. Another difficulty...how much of a romance is it?? Since the family history, etc. is really cruial to the story.
Obviously, this is not your problem...its mine Just sharing mine a bit. (Thanks for *listening*)
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Joined: 6/11/2011
Posts: 17
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@Tawni
Glad I could help, and I have always been a good listener. Or in this case, I guess reader is more appropriate.
The thing I have noticed about hooks (and I am not an expert), is you have to sort between important and critical information. Certainly the family issues would be important for Claire. It is also incredibly important for building a connection to the reader. But for an agent that may only give you fifteen seconds of consideration, your hook has to be pure, concentrated wow!
The way I have started doing these hooks, is I look at the initial conflict. Let's face it, you have to start in a conflict, so I boil it down to as few words as possible. Then you hint at the next conflict and how it will be worse. Stories need escalation, so Conflict B has to be tougher than Conflict A. If it isn't tougher, the reader has less satisfaction. The only real exception to that is when you start off on such a high level of conflict.
So the final determining factor in where you need to focus your hook is... What is the conflict? If the mom is already dead, there is no actual conflict there. Inner turmoil, yes, and a bit depressing, but no actual conflict.
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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That is a very helpful way of looking at it! The initial conflict really is her in with her ex. Because she is married and has been for a long time-ten years- all the stuff this run-in brings up is a serious conflict. Internal & external.
(you can see my very long first effort at a hook a few posts back )
I think that for me, I really value the internal conflict so much that I want to fill everyone in, but you speak the truth. I may only have fifteen seconds and "Wow" has to be the response in that amount of time.
Thanks again for your very helpful input.
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Joined: 6/6/2011
Posts: 15
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Okay, I am going to try again. Same story but I realized (thanks to comments) that my first hook ended up not really matching my novel.
Society of Feathers, a little known nickname for the underground scene of humans whose souls are half human, half bird and Iris is about to find out that she is one of them.
Hopefully it is getting better!
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Joined: 6/11/2011
Posts: 17
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@Emma Michaels
It sounds neat from a reader perspective. I am not sure what a half bird soul would cause, so I am at least interested in that. I went back and read your previous hook, and you have most definitely taken a step forward. You give your main character's name (Iris, I assume), and a lot of information about the society. But...
There's no conflict. You spent more words on your society than on your MC, and if I were the main actor in an up and coming movie, I would not want to play second fiddle to the society. The MC is supposed to stand out from the crowd, no matter what group they are in or will be in. And they need to be doing something exciting.
By way of pushing Iris to center stage, and making up a conflict (since I do not know what you actually have planned for her), I envision something like this: "Iris has always longed to fly, but when she joins the Society of Feathers, she learns that birds of a feather do not always flock together."
After all, I assume different bird types will elicit different personalities, and there are some birds that are considered predators. Somewhere in there, one might take an unhealthy interest in Iris. Iris is now center stage, and has a foreshadowed conflict ahead.
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Joined: 6/15/2011
Posts: 10
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Ok, I'm new to this site - but wanted to give this a go - as my pitches/querys/hooks are terrible so feedback would be good.
So here goes for Edge of Reality:
One modern teenage girl. One reincarnated Knight of the Round Table. One long dead, legendary king. Chivarly isn't dead - but Cara Page soon might be.
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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@NS - Honestly, I don't think it's terrible. The conflict is a little abstract, the phrasing is a little offputting, but overall it interests me.
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 30
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Dawn, I think you have some significant problems there. Suggesting that vampires can kill a quarter of the earth's population and yet be anti-evil will take some serious selling skills.
Also, and please pardon my flippancy, are these vampires armed with weapons of mass destruction? Because that's one long ass war if it's hand to hand combat.
I'd suggest something along these lines:
Alex's vampire army has just wiped out one person in four. And he still believes he's the good guy.
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Joined: 6/11/2011
Posts: 17
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@Dawn
I do not think it is so much whether or not we would read it. When we critique these hooks, we're trying to do so from the mindset of an Agent. I think a vampire army striking people down with righteous fervor is a really neat concept. But your hook is the way you reel in an agent. It is not necessarily that you want to make them ask questions, you want to make them thirsty for what you're selling.
I think TB (I hope Trailer Bride does not mind the abbreviation) was touching on the essentials... Vampire army, destroying earth's population, and being on the side of good in doing so. I, through the lens of what I think an agent would think, wonder where the conflict is. I see nothing inherently threatening to Alex, heck, his army just beat the crap outta 1/4th of the world. What does he have to fear? Uncovering a secret? You do not indicate how that secret could harm him.
If I may suggest something like this: Alex and his vampire companions just liberated North America, but from the ashes of war, a far greater threat rises to destroy everything he loves.
Liberated usually has a righteous or well-intentioned feel to it, so that gets across that he thinks he is the good guy. Most villains should feel that way too, but that's a different post. North America is a HUGE target, so that gets the SCOPE down really well. And then, the uncovering (under the ashes of war) of the secret. And the secret needs to threaten for conflict's sake. I had to be purposely vague, as I in no way have any idea what could possibly be alien, strange, and anti-vampire ... Unless you're going Aliens vs Vampires, in which case, I am totally there, hooks be damned 
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Joined: 5/5/2011
Posts: 37
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One angel’s tears contain the pain of the world, without Jadyn the war between Heaven and Hell will destroy Earth; but because of her the war became more real when both a son of the Devil and a son of God fight for her love.
This is probably not high concept but it would be nice to see what should need to change if it has a chance of being one.
High concept is described in the article nicely but its still hard to wrap my head around, http://www.writersstore.com/high-concept-defined-once-and-for-all
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Joined: 3/10/2011
Posts: 6
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Thanks for the opportunity, Colleen! Lemme see if I can "hook" ya...
A former cult prisoner discovers her Druidic heritage and soulmate, and must embrace both to evade the cult Father's lust for immortality.
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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 18
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Hey, I wanna play!
Isili the Unseen, the chosen child of the long seers, was destined from birth to decide the fate of the Jewel Worlds, which even now teetered on the razor's edge between the rigid rules of reason and the cacophonous calls of chaos, but who could have predicted the child would choose to run away from home instead?
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Joined: 6/26/2011
Posts: 1
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Ok I'm new here, but I'm gonna give this a go. Here is the hook for my still untitled novel:
Death Row is no longer a place where criminals are sent to die, it's a place where they are sent to be kept alive.
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Joined: 6/11/2011
Posts: 17
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@Adele Edwards
That one's a good one! I am figuring either vampires or government experiments or something, which is cool (but also appreciate you not saying too much!). If I had to pick any gripe, it is a purely mechanical/English graduate type issue. The comma after die either needs a semi-colon (which is always fun and underused) or a conjunction. As it is now, it is a run-on. Personally, for your hook, I lean to the semi-colon route, as it will maintain your current pacing.
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Joined: 5/11/2011
Posts: 22
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For Adele and Gina, you both have intriguing hooks. Gina, having read a portion of your story, I know you also have an excellent story, and I highly recommend it.
For bill, I agree that you have a run on sentence going. You could really cut back on the excess adjectives which drown out the meaning of your hook. Plan each word carefully, trim the fat.
For Samantha, I think you're almost there. The wording you use is strange, 'your head holds the bounty' does not come across the way I think you want it to and it takes away from the whole. What I also think you should consider is originality. Your hook does not portray an idea unique to you. What separates this from any other 'star crossed lovers' story?
Props to all of you for sharing
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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So here I am, trying again. Based on much of the feedback here as well as from my crit partners, I have recently made some adjustments to the plot which change the classification of my "Romance" to Literary Fiction (with Romantic Elements).
When Claire Carter loses her fifth pregnancy in five years to yet another miscarriage and her mother to Alzheimer’s within a few short weeks of each other, she is forced to go back home to deal with her long buried hurts, her most closely guarded secret and an unexpected choice; follow the love she never let go of down the road not taken, or fight to save her marriage.
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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Thanks, Sam. That is helpful!
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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Hit Send too soon!
It is hard to choose which is *most* important, being so close to the characters and the story. The series of questions you posed is really helpful. I am thinking I may cut it to this:
At am impasse of love and loss, Claire Carter is forced to go home to Louisiana to deal with her long buried hurts, her most closely guarded secret and an unexpected choice; follow the love she never let go of down the road not taken, or fight to save her marriage.
Thoughts?
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Joined: 5/11/2011
Posts: 22
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Tawni,
I think you are almost there, it reads better already. Try losing 'down the road not taken', that sentence is redundant. Obviously, since she has a husband, she did not go down that road.
Elizabeth
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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Good point Elizabeth. Thank you!
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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SO the question now is: Is your hook 'High Concept'? I am super new to this, and am perhaps just beginning to understand just what 'High Concept' looks like.
Colleen, if you read this, I would be interested in hearing your 'Yay' or 'Nay' on whether or not it falls under the High Concept catagory.
I had no idea that High Concept was even a *concept* when I began this journey. I am having so much fun, It hardly matters.Okay, well maybe it matters a little. *winkey face*
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Joined: 5/11/2011
Posts: 22
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Sam-
There is nothing technically wrong with this hook, but it still doesn't pull me. Partly I think its because it reads like a list, it gives me the major points but doesn't make me care. The last section has the most impact.
I think part of the problem is that I don't know why the first two sections are important - because I don't know anything about the world your building. This does not mean I think you should expand on your world in your hook, but merely pick something I, as a reader looking for a new book, can identify with. Something that makes me say, "I must know more" or "I must know why." I know that this is tough, and I wish I could give you a more specific example, but I am still new to this. I just wanted to give you my opinion
Perhaps try starting your same hook with 'when' or 'while', these are popular hook starters that may pull out a new way of wording your hook.
Good luck and take care
Elizabeth
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Joined: 6/13/2011
Posts: 6
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Here's the tagline for my book, Threads of Fate.
"In a world where Fate takes the form of a massive weave of threads connecting everyone and everything, Noal Kai races to find an answer to why his mere existence unravels all of destiny into chaos."
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Joined: 2/27/2011
Posts: 11
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This idea is in the gestation stage (which for me comes well before first draft). I've had problems in the past with "high concept", but I think I'm close with this one:
"The Angel of Death's heir is tapped to be one of the Goddesses of Love."
Critiques?
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Joined: 2/27/2011
Posts: 11
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Matthew, I think that could be condensed even more to something like:
"Noal Kai's existence threatens to unravel the fabric Fate has taken untold millennia to weave."
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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 26
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The Founder kidnapped people at random and forced them to vlog about the the stuff happening to any planet with organisms.
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Joined: 8/9/2011
Posts: 12
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This is mine from what I understand (via the comments) of a "High Concept":
-Murderous Steampunk'd Wonderland infects the real world, comes for Alice.-
Now, I'm not actively writing this one but it's one of my more defined concepts (that was a wild dream for sure!).
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Joined: 7/21/2011
Posts: 40
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Great exercise! Following is my hook for Willow Lake Manor:
After suffering the ultimate betrayal, Emily decides to rebuild her life in Willow Lake, unleashing chilling secrets of murder, passion and revenge.
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Joined: 7/21/2011
Posts: 40
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I should add my hook for Mayor of Prattleville too:
After the Mayor of Prattleville hires Fiona to reveal the identity of his wife's lover, there's a series of mishaps. (Reminiscent of an English farce)
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Joined: 7/28/2011
Posts: 2
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A thirteen year old blind girl must travel between three worlds to save her father from Cancer and the universe.
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Joined: 10/6/2011
Posts: 1
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Following is my hook for Menopause
A dark comedy about a menopausal serial killer who kills in order to make the world a better place. It's really cool and super trippy, but you might not get it if your not smart enough.
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Joined: 5/3/2011
Posts: 7
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Sounds like a female Dexter
Here's mine, its from a project I've affectionately entitled, "A Complete Guide to College: For Dummies."
For the socially inept the transition from high school to college often goes from bad to worse, until one group of friends decided to pool their glaringly awkward and often amusing experiences into one book - a complete guide to college, for dummies.
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Second Chances
Bonanza meets Dr. Who
thank you MGBueno for this idea
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Joined: 11/18/2011
Posts: 2
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When he returned from his whirling ylel received from his master another destination. "Take seraphim trained, yoke them to the plow goes well and heavenly. There arises asupernova, a blue sun". Obedient, He kicked off a rock that was suspended in a vacuum making it a comet or shooting star will depends on whether or ellipse. Nailed a pair of the most lunar craters, blew strong raining stardust. Milked a goddess withtenderness, put a watering can and sprinkled spiral Milky Way.
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Joined: 8/13/2011
Posts: 272
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Let's see:
Spartan:
When a group of anime fans decided to build their own giant robot, they never thought they'd need it to protect their friends.
Orphans of Talos:
When two strangers arrive in the midst of a magical attack, the city of Talos has absolutely no idea what's coming.
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Joined: 1/10/2012
Posts: 28
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I'll try:
Poison Pill:
Two strangers collaborate to achieve impossible goals: he needs to destroy a pharmaceutical company, and she wants to bankrupt a law firm.
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Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 67
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Dead Switch:
In an attempt to resurrect his career, a disgraced weapon designer builds a prototype he'd once thought too dangerous to move past the design stage.
Bad idea.
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Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 67
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Technically not a one liner, but that second line is so short, it's barely a sentence. 
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Joined: 6/20/2011
Posts: 4
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I'm not sure if it is to other people, but I think it may be a touch high concept. The book is originally planned to be a series, but isn't that a bit high concept anyway. It may be lofty.
Here's my hook:
In an attempt to save the world, a group of teenaged soldiers and a princess scramble to protect a book of extremely powerful spells from an enchantress and her army.
High concept?
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Joined: 3/9/2011
Posts: 16
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Very interesting. Just for fun...
Snow White is a boy, but sometimes he wears a dress.
And now to go write an entirely different story.
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Joined: 2/26/2013
Posts: 4
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Here is the hook for my contemporary romance, "The Wolf Eye Lighthouse Lovers."
Hatfield and McCoy con meets The Proposal.
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Joined: 4/7/2013
Posts: 4
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Here's mine. Tell me what you think.
A pregnant mother journeys inside her unborn child's subconscious to prevent him from miscarrying himself.
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Joined: 10/14/2012
Posts: 229
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Hey Rich
I thought.... ugh....eh?
Then I thought, how the heck did she know her unborn child would want to do that? (It sounded an active intention.)
Then I thought, why would he want to do that to himself? Does he somehow know what he will become? Does he have an awareness from another existence? What will he become if he lives?
Then I thought; If I'm so curious, there's one way to find out........ I guess that's a hook then!
G'luck,
Mike
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