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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 6
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Excellent thread.
Here is mine for Eumeralla.
If Eleanor could go back twenty-five years and change things she'd wish away her children.
What do others think of this?
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Joined: 5/2/2011
Posts: 13
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@ Joanna Stephen
It's a little abrupt. It catches attention, though. Maybe you could use an adjective describing Eleanor's nature or some words to describe her situation- like 'Regretful of all the missed opportunities in her life, if today Eleanor could go back 25 years and change things...'
Or something like that. Something to help us understand why she wishes her children away. :]
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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 6
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Paroma,
Thanks for your helpful comment.
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 30
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They left Audrey for dead. They should have made sure.
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 52
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The voices in Sophia mind threaten to drive her mad, and the one person who knows the secret behind the curse wants her dead.
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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@Joanna / Trailer - both of those are good.
I agre with Paroma on Joanna's, it's a definite mental eyeball kick, but a little more clarification on why might be worthwhile. You're on perfective changes, not corrective ones though.
On Trailer's, I'm assuming you're writing a action packed revenge fest. Something Michael Bey and John Woo could collaborate to put on the screen. Definite thoughts of boom. You might want to see if you can make it unique somehow, but again it's a perfective rather than corrective change. Clarify the 'they' and maybe who Audrey is. Cop? Assassin? Soldier? Housewife? Inquiring minds want to know.
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Joined: 5/2/2011
Posts: 13
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@ Ey Wade
That's neat, but for a BC hook, isn't that a little too long?
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 30
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Robert,
It's been described as When Beatrix Met Lisbeth 
Here's the longer pitch:
A million children go missing in America every year. Ten thousand of them are never found. Audrey was one of the Lost.
They took her into their secret world when she was two-years old.
When she was sixteen they put a bullet in her head.
But Audrey refused to die.
They're an immovable evil embedded in American life.
Audrey Ruston's an irresistible force.
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Joined: 5/9/2011
Posts: 1
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My hook.
"You should have left Paris Marc and never come back." she yelled at him just before they began reading the charges.
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 52
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@David LeRoy
I think you need to try finding a hook instead of a line of dialogue. There isn't much there to tell me anything about the story. Also, you need a comma in place of the period after back. Looking into proper dialogue punctuation will help your work look more polished and professional
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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@Trailer - It does sound good. What you posted second is a good quick pitch, but it isn't exactly a hook (too long). How about...
"When Audrey's abductors were done with her, they shot her and left her for dead. They should have finished the job."
Very close to your earlier hook line, but replacing the anonymous 'they' with 'abductors' gives us an identity for the Bad Guys and gives us a little about her; an abduction victim who is fighting back. The 'shot her' puts some graphic action elements in.
Honestly, I don't know who Beatrix or Lisbeth are. If it weren't for pop culture, I wouldn't have any at all. Of course, your hook line and pitch make me think Mathilda meets Mindy, which I would snap up in a minute. D'OH! Just went and did a 30 second internet search on the names "Beatrix" and "Lisbeth", and I *HAVE* seen Beatrix, but Lisbeth is still on my 'to be read / watched' list.
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 52
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I like Robert's suggestion
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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 6
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Here's my recent hook for The Gnome and Mrs. Meyers, a comic novel.
Expect the unexpected when a gnome is a homestay guest for three months.
Any feedback would be heartily welcomed and appreciated. Thanks for this
opportunity.
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Joined: 5/2/2011
Posts: 59
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@susan; It's pretty good; the only thing that seems a little lackluster is the term "homestay guest". House guest, or even just guest, might flow better. Otherwise, I think it's good.
My current hook,
"An elven king is struggles to choose between what is right for himself and what is right for his people." I've been tinkering with it for a bit, and I can't progress much beyond that point - at least for now. I probably don't need "elven", and the cadence could be tighter. Thoughts?
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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 6
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Hi Alex,
Actually, I posted my description as "house guest." Homestay guest had been another option, but I'm glad you confirmed the former for me. Many thanks.
I like the name Elven King, but maybe you could think about heightening the drama of his choices. At this point, the dilemma sounds a little flat.
Or you could make the Elven King have a gargantuan choice, a gigantic choice.
Recently I saw Water for Elephants and I learned about the illusory world of the circus where overstatement and hype fuel the greatest show on earth. The barkers had to pull in the spectators and they appealed to their imaginations.
By the way, here's one of my favorite movie hooks:
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito are twins. Irresistible!
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Joined: 5/2/2011
Posts: 59
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* lol, typo up there, "struggling"
It's a pretty big dilemma in the context of the story; he either screws his people over for his own benefit or is a good, but unhappy, king. And given the nature of the character, a rather selfish man, it isn't obvious whether or not he will find a way to help his people at all. I don't want to throw around empty adjectives like that, I want the situation to speak for itself. I mostly am only including the fact that he is an elf because I want it to be clear that this a fantasy story. His name is Theodore, by the way.
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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 6
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Sounds like a great moral dilemma. Interesting. I like the theme. I wish you success in communicating the conflict a selfish king faces.
Power, and how it's used, is enticing to read about.
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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@Alex - how about this -
"Theodore the Elven King must choose: his own happiness or that of his subjects?"
I included his name to personalize it, to make him feel more relatable.
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Joined: 5/2/2011
Posts: 59
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Hmm, I don't know if I like the inclusion of his name - at least not with his title, as well, though without it most of the context is lost, or the use of the word 'subjects'. 'People' would be my preferred substitute. I also want a parallel structure in the sentiment of him choosing between himself and his people.
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 30
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Alex, knowing nothing about your book, I doubt this is going to help much. But in terms of the structure, what about something like:
In the Elven land of Wotsisname, a spoiled and selfish King faces the decision of a lifetime - should he follow his own heart or fulfill his duty to his people?
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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@Trailer - ooh, that's a good one!
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 52
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Mine was so bad it was uncommentable LOL
@Alex, I think that Robert's suggestion was good, even if you leave out the name (it still has a parallel structure).
I mostly like TB's, but here is my concern:
"a spoiled and selfish King faces the decision of a lifetime - should he follow his own heart or fulfill his duty to his people?"
How is that the decision of a lifetime. If he's spoiled and selfish, the decision is easy. If he's fighting his own selfish desires, that is another thing entirely.
(sorry to be pedantic. I really have no right to be)
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Joined: 5/2/2011
Posts: 59
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I can mix and match some of the suggestions; I like a bit from each of them, so I'll see if I can get them together and I'll let you know if I come up with a decent result. Thanks for your input, ladies and lads. :3
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 30
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Inky
You can be as pedantic as you like. But I was imagining a decision that would shape the rest of his life. So how about "must make a life-changing decision"?
Of course, I was more proposing a structure than precise wording.
I didn't notice yours until just now. Pedantically speaking, I think there's a typo. Other than that, I think it's just a little flat.
You wrote:
The voices in Sophia mind threaten to drive her mad, and the one person who knows the secret behind the curse wants her dead.
I'd suggest:
The voices in Sophia's mind are trying to drive her mad, and the one person who knows why wants her dead.
Of course, I haven't actually read TFG yet so it might be inappropriate but that just seems to bounce along better. For me anyway.
PS - Love what you've done with your hair.
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 52
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Ah, thanks! The typo is because I original had Sophia Parsons' and just took out the last name to post here, forgetting something along the way 
I like your suggestion, and it works! Much tighter
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Joined: 2/27/2011
Posts: 18
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Lark is a survivor. But is love worth the price she may have to pay?
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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Or contemporary romance about hobos?
Y'know, I might read that.
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Joined: 5/11/2011
Posts: 22
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This is the one I"m working on currently for my novel The Dorian Stone:
For three thousand years Athena has longed for death while remaining frozen in her current monstrous form, her incessant heart beating with only one desire - to fulfill her promise of vengeance on someone who, like her, is incapable of dying.
All critiques welcome as I want to work it as best I can before I query.
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Joined: 3/31/2011
Posts: 10
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Okie....here's my go! This is for a novella I finished last year--still trying to figure out what to do with it/how to pitch it.
A pair of orphan demigods traipse across gold rush era North Carolina in search of mommy.
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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@Stan - your high concept hook starts with the Mossad and CIA race, IMHO. Cut down on the info, and stick to the "ooh! aah! Cool!" stuff. Something like "The CIA and Mossad race to get their hands on a Nazi Collaborator while the KGB tries to stop him from defecting".
The bit about him being a Holocaust survivor is visceral, as is the Nazi Collaborator part, but paired they strike up cognitive dissonance. Great for a novel, not so great for a hook. IMHO use one or the other.
@Casey - Intriguing. Comedic Fantasy, I'm assuming. Needs something to punch it up, hook-wise, but intriguing.
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Joined: 5/11/2011
Posts: 22
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To Stan Bogaty:
I feel if you have given your character a name you should use it, scientist/physician sounds very bland and does not spark the imagination of a reader. My question is: who is trying to get to who, and who is trying to defect? It does not come across clearly where exactly the conflict is, and who the conflict effects. It sounds interesting, but I would need more if you wanted me to keep reading.
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Joined: 3/31/2011
Posts: 10
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@Robert - Its actually not comedic, lol. I suppose traipse and mommy are keywords that may have triggered that. I need to bring out the danger and mystery.
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Joined: 5/11/2011
Posts: 22
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Casey:
I also thought your hook made the story sound comedic. What are the main conflicts of your story? Build your hook on that.
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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@Stan - I feel you - one of the hardest things for me is just cutting a lot of the complexity out. You can clue the person in to the complexity once you have their attention, but getting their attention in a busy marketplace requires some verbal fireworks.
Simple rule would be the Subject / Verb / Object rule. Keep it to one Subject (Government Agencies), one Verb (Chase) and one Object (Collaborator) and you'll do well.
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Joined: 5/11/2011
Posts: 22
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I had the same problem, so I'll help you if you'll help me
The issue I see, and I know how hard writing a hook is, is that I'm not sure what exactly this hook is telling me about your story. Is this about two people? I think so, but the lifetime of love and sharing throws me off and what is the conflict in that statement? Is it necessary? Sacrifice tells me there is conflict, so thats good. A love returned, again are we still on the same two people? A family reunited tells me that it all works out in the end, so what do I need to read it for?
Its the conflict that draws a reader in, the need to know how the character is going to resolve the problem. If you are having a hard time finding the main conflicts, write them all out, every single one. Then circle the three most important ones. Base your hook on that.
I hope this helps!
Here's mine:
For three thousand years Athena has longed for death, her incessant heart beating with only one desire - to fulfill a promise of vengeance on someone who, like her, is incapable of dying.
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Joined: 5/11/2011
Posts: 22
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Ella:
It's much better, but I'm still confused. You say, 'two souls, one night' and then say 'a lifetime of love' are we talking about the same people? Two people have a chance encounter, share a wonderful evening and then spend their lives together? That is what I, someone who has no idea about your book, am getting from that first section.
The man's sacrifice, is he the man from the couple mentioned above? Whose children is he trying to protect from his anger? Again, more questions that leave me more confused than eager. Why not use your characters' names? Bring something personal in there to make me care about them because right now I don't know who they are.
Keep at it, it will come together!
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Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 4
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I love this idea! Here's mine:
A teenage girl is caught pretending to be a boy while trying to escape a dangerous series of genetic tests meant to determine her rank in society.
Now off to see what great ideas everyone else has come up with...
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Well, here's mine from Posse. Have at it:
Small town police chief collides with a precocious runaway, an unscrupulous land developer, and a woman with four personalities, three of which want him dead.
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Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 4
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@Angela--thanks so much for your feedback. The girl getting caught is the catalyst, I guess the pretending to be a boy thing is mostly backstory.
After she gets caught, she is forced to undergo the testing, which instead of killing or crippling her like she expected ends up revealing that her genetic makeup is superior to everyone elses--she's set to be the next president/ruler.
She has to leave her family in order to be educated, but once she gets to the capital she realizes that the current president wants her to do more than just train to run the country, she wants to use her perfect genetics to impregnate her with the next "heir" since the tests have become unreliable and the amount of girls with the right genetic makeup are scarce.
The main conflict is this teenage girl refusing to be impregnated and trying to find a way to escape, while the president tries to force her by using her family as leverage.
I hope that makes sense! I just don't know how to write one line that conveys that, or if it would even be considered high-concept. Thanks again for your input!
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Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 4
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I tweaked it a little, but I'm worried it's still too vague. And it doesn't show the main conflict of the story. I'm just not sure how to get there in one sentence!
A teenage girl faces unexpected consequences after she is caught pretending to be a boy in and effort to escape a dangerous series of genetic tests meant to determine her rank in society.
This feels a little better, but still clunky.
A teenage girl is chosen to be the next president based upon her genetic superiority, but she must find a way to outsmart the current president, who is trying to force her to produce an heir and create a line of perfect rulers.
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Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 4
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Angela, that helps a ton, thanks!
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Joined: 6/1/2011
Posts: 1
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Here is my hook.
Sweet and caring, the Schnörrers help out their neighbors and live by the Good Book, but when the going gets tough and their farm is threatened with repossession, they turn against the very people they help and the world is shocked to discover the darkest side of the most unlikely serial killers in US history.
What do you think?
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Joined: 6/6/2011
Posts: 15
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Okay, I will give it a go. I have done my queries for my first series published by Bokheim Publishing but I am about to start querying agents for my second series and am finally trying to write the hook. Hopefully this isn't a bad starting point for 7 am:
He had waited for her since they were children on the island that she can’t stop dreaming about because while she is ignorant of who she is, she has the soul of an owlet as a part of her own.
or this fun little equation:
If 'Twilight' = Romeo&Juliet + Vampires
Then 'Society of Feathers' = Childhood love + he waited + she forgot + paranormal
(If only I could think of a classic to refer to.)
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Joined: 6/6/2011
Posts: 15
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P.S.- Is it just me or are most of our hooks too long?
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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@Emma - for 'High Concept', yeah, long hooks are a problem, because they lack 'punch'. They engage the brain rather than the gut, as it were.
Also, "Society of Feathers" = Love Hina + (not sure what paranormal / animal motif thing you'd prefer). Love Hina is about a guy who made a promise with his childhood sweetheart, remembers and is faithful to the promise, but can't for the life of him remember the girl's name. They were separated when they were kids (5-6) so he doesn't even know exactly what she looks like.
Seriously, though, I'd avoid the comparison things. They don't tell an agent / editor how YOU write.
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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This is all very helpful I would love some feedback on how to condense my hook/logline (same thing, or not really??)
I know its long, and I think it could be high concept...but communicating that concisely (or ANYTHING concisely) is not my forte'.
Standing at an impasse Claire faces the impending demise of her marriage; embittered and battle torn from years of infertility treatments that have left her and her husband on opposite ends of the chasm of barrenness. When Alzheimer's finally claims her mother’s life, Claire is forced to travel home to face everything about her past she has tried so hard to forget. Nicholas Ainsworth, the love she ran from, but never let go of; the loss of their child that no one has ever spoken of that Claire believes is the cause of her empty womb and her empty heart; and the voice of her dead mother resounding in her head.
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• He had waited for her since they were children on the island that she can’t stop dreaming about because while she is ignorant of who she is, she has the soul of an owlet as a part of her own.
Ambiguous. Has he waited on the island, or waited since they were children who were on that island, then.
And: “waiting” tells me too little. It implies deliberation and purpose, but for what?
But… what’s the subject of the line? She can’t stop dreaming? He’s waited? She has the soul of a young owl? And how does the fact that she has a double soul that she’s unaware of relate to the unknown “he” waiting?
You might want to rethink this.
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Joined: 5/8/2011
Posts: 30
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(I am terrible with hooks, pitches, queries and all that cuss. But I'm beginning to think I'm not the only one.)
"He had waited for her since they were children on the island that she can’t stop dreaming about because while she is ignorant of who she is, she has the soul of an owlet as a part of her own. "
This is confusing and off-putting. I doubt I would reach the owl motif, but if I did it would have me reaching for my revolver
I'm assuming that given your title and current hook, the owl thing is important, so how about something like:
GIRLSNAME is dreaming of the island. BOYSNAME is wating for her there. SOMETHING ABOUT OWLS.
Alternativelly you could put the SOMETHING ABOUT OWLS at the beginning.
-------------------------
"Standing at an impasse Claire faces the impending demise of her marriage; embittered and battle torn from years of infertility treatments that have left her and her husband on opposite ends of the chasm of barrenness. When Alzheimer's finally claims her mother’s life, Claire is forced to travel home to face everything about her past she has tried so hard to forget. Nicholas Ainsworth, the love she ran from, but never let go of; the loss of their child that no one has ever spoken of that Claire believes is the cause of her empty womb and her empty heart; and the voice of her dead mother resounding in her head."
Clearly not my kind of book at all, but I would suggest something much briefer. Perhaps in the following format.
Middle-age is a bitch. Her mother dead, her marriage dying, Claire is forced to face her past as she battles for her future.
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Joined: 5/10/2011
Posts: 69
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@Trailer Bride, thanks for the suggestions...I think what I have is a jumping off point.... needing to be cut down, again, and again, and again. I like your idea.
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Joined: 6/11/2011
Posts: 17
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Ok, I'll give this thing a (couple) shot(s), since I have two books...
Affinity is what you would get if Urban Fantasy and Cyberpunk had a love child.
And for the other book...
Veil is like Angel in a medieval setting with an High/Epic Fantasy-style prophecy.
Huh. That actually doesn't quite sound as bad as I thought it would. I'll wait for further input though 
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