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HELP! Does this lure you in?
Kristine Ondrus
Posted: Saturday, January 19, 2013 12:02 PM
Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 7


Hi Fellow Bookies!

I am trying to write a good pitch for my novel, a short bit to get readers interested. My novel is written in third person, centering around Anya. However when I tried to write my hook I couldn't get it right in third person. I thought it would be fun to let loose and write as Anya. Does that matter? Would it bug you? Does this lure you in? Let me know if you love it or hate it. Any tips greatly appreciated!

Hi, my name is Anya and I'm a student at the University of Santa Dominga, California. I'm your average, run of the mill book geek, halfway through my sophomore year of college.  
That is, until one night on my way home from a late lecture I am forcibly abducted from campus. I wake up to find myself in a jail cell. My head is spinning and I can't think. My captors spin a web of insane stories of vampires and werewolves and tell me I sit smack dab in the middle of a supernatural war. Talk about a lot to process in sixty seconds. 
Then I meet Nikolai, a very handsome vampire. I think to myself, things can't be all that bad, or can they?  
Leaving everything behind Id follow Nikolai to Russia where I find out secrets have been hidden from me for my entire life. Walls come crashing down around me and my life does a one-eighty.  
Vampires, werewolves, witches and I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m scrambling to catch up and they keep changing the rules on me. Will I conquer my fears and rise to the top? Will I find love or will I find myself instead? 
If you like action and intrigue with a dash of romance don't pass my story up, it is sure to surprise you. I know it surprised me.


Timothy Maguire
Posted: Saturday, January 19, 2013 1:18 PM
Joined: 8/13/2011
Posts: 272


A few quick thoughts:

Try to get us into your plot with the first sentence. It's three before things get going. Do we really need to know Anya's educational background?

Forcibly abducted? As opposed to nicely abducted?

Generally this works, but the questions you fire off at the end feel very wonky.
Kristine Ondrus
Posted: Saturday, January 19, 2013 2:20 PM
Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 7


Pitch 1

Hi, my name is Anya. I'm your average, run-of-the-mill book geek, halfway through my sophomore year of college.  

That is, until one night on my way home from a late lecture I was abducted from campus. I woke up to find myself in a jail cell, trapped and alone. My captors spun a web of insane stories about vampires and werewolves, telling me that I sit smack dab in the middle of a supernatural war. Talk about a lot to process in sixty seconds.

Then I meet Nikolai, a very handsome vampire. I think to myself, things can't be all that bad, or can they?  
Leaving everything behind I follow Nikolai to Russia where I find out secrets have been hidden from me my entire life. Walls come crashing down and my life does a one-eighty. 

Vampires, werewolves, witches and I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m scrambling to catch up and they keep changing the rules on me.

If you like fantasy with a dash of romance don't pass my story up, it is sure to surprise you. I know it surprised me.


Pitch 2

Vampires, witches and werewolves and college student Anya doesn't fit in anywhere. Abducted at dusk from campus after being attacked by a wolf was not the worst thing to happen to Anya. Waking up in a jail cell with no way out and being held by insane people ranked first. Elias, one of Anya’s captors is more than what he seems. Kind and thoughtful aren’t attributes you would expect from a kidnapper and it makes her wonder if he might be a prisoner as well. A stark contrast to Elias is Adole, leader of the men who hold her captive, who looks at Anya as if she were a meaty bone to chew on.

Then Anya meets Nikolai, a very handsome vampire, who sheds light and reveals secrets she never knew existed. Figuring out how to juggle her new life, in a new country, while handling guy troubles has Anya pushed to the limit. Recurring dreams of eminent doom plague her sleep and have her doubting her every waking move.

Trapped in the middle of a supernatural war that has been raging for centuries Anya must decide which side she is on and take leadership fast. Everyone seems to be pulling her in different directions and obstacles she has never dealt with are getting in her way.

Enemies are everywhere and Anya doesn’t know who to trust or who to love. After having her heart broken in rapid succession she finds that real life romance is very different from what she has read in books and that not all frogs are princes.




Serena Louise
Posted: Monday, June 24, 2013 6:21 PM
Joined: 6/10/2013
Posts: 11


Always write both your short and long pitches in the 3rd POV. Here's mine for comparison. I copied it from my Ms word.


Suffocating in an abusive relationship, Madeline Mayers takes the first step toward freedom by landing a job at a top investment firm. From her short burst of bravery, she finds herself working closely with the charming and charismatic owner.

The only solace Maddie finds is working side by side with Nicholas York. His unfamiliar playfulness and sweet nature suck her in to his grasp as she coasts along with her negligent boyfriend, sparking a deep seeded desire to be loved. The more time they spend together, the more Maddie yearns for Nick even as she hides her battered home life from him.

Terrorized by her boyfriend, Maddie reaches her breaking point and goes to desperate measures to escape. Her actions prompt Nick to reveal a heartbreaking secret that could threaten her chances of falling into his loving arms.

Maddie and Nick must decide whether to become each other's solutions and allow their romance to bloom or ignore their instant connection and walk away.

 

So, from reading yours, I can see your struggling a bit! I decided to play around with it, and this is what I got:

 

"Abducted from campus, Anya finds herself locked in a jail cell after battling her pain and confusion from a werewolf attack. Elias, a kind and thoughtful prison guard, confuses her further, leading her to believe he's also held captive, compared to his leader, Adole, who despises the ground she walks on.

Surrounded by enemies, all Anya can do is take sides as she is forced into a raging supernatural war with witches werewolves and vampires. Thrown into a surreal world, she must survive with Nikolai by her side, allowing her to find love and herself during her epic battle for freedom."

I found it difficult from he 2nd paragraph and onward from your second pitch to sum up the ending. You gave very little away to entice the readers to the end since you gave us a compelling beginning and middle but no real end, so I fashioned one out of what I thought would happen. Don't give the end away but give us something to know that there is more we want to read.

You can ignore every word of it if you don't find it catches the story with the right tone. I thought I'd give it a go since you seem to be panicking a little!

Hope this helps in any way.

Serena xxx

 


 

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