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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 56
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A story of an isolated people faced by a suddenly resurgent, bestial enemy, Raven Son follows two rivals’ search for purpose and beauty amidst increasing chaos.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 26
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It's not bad, but a little muddled by too many words. I would uncomplicate it a bit. Maybe something like:
While an isolated people face a bestial enemy resurgence, Raven Son joins two rivals in their search for beauty amidst increasing chaos.
But I am curious as to who Raven Son is. That may be worth noting in the hook. I'm hooked.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 56
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Thanks, your fixing it made it obvious what was missing!  Raven Son is the name of the book, not one of the characters. I've tried something different. How about this:
Voran is faced with an impossible choice - fight the Ancient Darkness and risk annihilation, or let his people fall to ensure their eventual redemption.
Still hooked?
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 26
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I was wondering about Raven Son.
Now, however, I'm left wondering who Voran is. Why is he faced with these horrible choices? (So I read the longer description, which is fabulous!)
Maybe you could combine the two from above. I like the "isolated people face a bestial enemy resurgence". But I love that you clarify the choices that need to be made. Once you mentioned "Ancient Darkness", I think my nose hit the screen. Ha.
Here is a possibility:
When an isolated people face a bestial enemy resurgence, Voran, a young warrior, must fight the Ancient Darkness and risk annihilation, or let his people fall to ensure their redemption.
And yes, I'm completely hooked now. I'll have to read it.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 56
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How is this as a possible replacement?
After centuries of peace, the Ancient Darkness amasses just outside Vasyllia . But the enemy the Vasylli must truly fear is the one that already lurks within.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 26
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Now that is quite a hook. It's not too wordy, doesn't go into too much detail, but also gives the reader the score. I like it a lot. I think that one is my favorite.
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Joined: 5/5/2011
Posts: 23
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I actually prefer your second version - that's the one that hooked me. For me the last one doesn't speak to the conflict strongly enough.
A suggested tweak, because I don't like a lot of commas in hooks:
Young warrior Voran's people are at risk of annihilation by the Ancient Darkness, and he must choose whether to fight or let his people fall to ensure their redemption.
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