I've been working on my query letter for The Brotherhood of the Black Flag, a historical adventure novel about pirates, which I have a complete manuscript for.  However, I've never been happy with the query letter, and in particular, with my hook.

The biggest challenge I'm dealing with in crafting my hook is the main character's motivation.  His lifelong dream was to become an officer in the British Royal Navy, which he achieved, but he was kicked out.  He found a job as a fencing instructor that he enjoyed, but due to England's bad economy and a preference for French fencing instructors at the time, he was reluctantly let go and can't get similar work elsewhere.  So basically, he's no longer able to do the jobs he's always wanted to do, and he has no idea what he wants to do with the rest of his life (he's in his late twenties, BTW).  It makes for a good story and character arc, but it's making it difficult to craft a decent hook for an adventure novel.

My original query hook was this:

"Some men spend their lives trying to follow their dreams.  Michael McNamara is looking for one to follow."

However, I was wisely talked out of it.  Not only is it boring, but I also think it sounds overly dramatic.

Currently, I have "The Golden Age of Piracy is ending, but not without a fight."  Someone suggested I add "and a love triangle" to it, and I go back and forth on whether I like it or not.  It sounds more adventure-novely (is that a word), but I'm still not totally sold on it.

Any thoughts or suggestions?  (I can provide more plot details if it will help.)

I  have the same problem, so you have my sympathy.  How about playing up on the main character's misfortunes being turned into a life of adventure?

"Wrongfully denied the life he wanted as an officer in the British Royal Navy, Michael McNamara found a treasure never dreamed -- a life of adventure, loot, and love --  as a pirate of the high seas."

This is just an idea.  I would play with it a little and see if you can come up with something that better suits your needs.

Interesting approach you recommend.  How about this?

"Denied the life he wanted, Michael McNamara is making a new one for himself - as a pirate hunter."

Thoughts?

Better, but still may need some tinkering.  I thought your main character was going to end up as a pirate, but now he is a pirate hunter?  Not sure what that would be.  Is it a mercenary hired to hunt down pirates?  Sort of like a bounty hunter?

I think your best hook combines may want to combine three things:  character, plot, and setting.  So let's break down what you have.

"Denied the life he wanted, Michael McNamara is making a new one for himself - as a pirate hunter."

You have information about the main character and plot.  Maybe add something about the setting?  When? Where?  And maybe throw in something about how or why he was denied the life he wanted?  If there's sympathy for the main character, then that might be part of a hook.  If somebody took something away from McNamara, and he's out to make things right?

How about something like this:

"After the British Royal Navy drummed him out of the service, Michael McNamara desperately wanted to reclaim his dreams of adventure on the high seas.  And now he's found it -- he's hunting pirates in the Caribbean for [himself, the French, others?]."

It's two sentences instead of one, but it puts back in the concept of following a dream.  It gives more information about the main character, and includes setting of the high seas and Caribbean.  Not sure if that's true, but it would make sense if we're talking about the Golden Age of Piracy.  But I would seriously think about addressing for whom McNamara is hunting pirates.  Himself?  A writ from another government?

It may be that I don't have enough details behind the story to help.  But I think if you try to include something about character, plot, and setting, then it sets up a good hook.

Maybe.  It depends on what's involved in the rest of the story.  I would think that you need to give enough to whet someone's appetite and make them come back for seconds.  If what I'm suggesting is too much, maybe you take another look at what you've got and just tweak the one sentence.

"Denied the life he wanted, Michael McNamara is making a new one for himself -- as a pirate hunter."

To me, and this is just my opinion, the hook should be dramatic without being melodramatic.  It needs to be just a hair shy of being over the top.  My eyes naturally focused on two things:  (1) denied the life he wanted; and (2) pirate hunter.  The rest of it is sort of "ho hum."  I think it may be the passive voice in the verb "is making."  Can you think of an active verb to use instead?   Fashions?  Creates?  Manufactures?  Wants?  Needs?  Desires?  Craves?  Ooh . . . how about "pillages" or "plunders" a new one for himself?  It goes with the pirate theme.

So . . . is there another way to add drama to your hook?  Can you characterize and put a spin on why he was denied the life he wanted?  Wrongfully denied?  Justifiably denied?  Erroneously denied?  It all depends on how you want to create the drama and what's the most accurate in your story.  As a reader, I want to read a hook and think "wow, what is going on here?"

This is just my two cents.  Honestly, I'm just another hack who is monkey clicking away at a keyboard and hoping that something decent comes out at the end.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean your response to my hook could be any different from an agent or an average reader's response.

I  kinda like "Denied the life he wanted, Michael McNamara creates a new life for himself - as a pirate hunter [on the high seas]."  (Not sure if the "on the high seas" is necessary.)

--edited by Ian Nathaniel Cohen on 7/17/2013, 9:41 AM--

Go with your gut.  Maybe someone else will weigh in?  Or give a different take on it that will put us both to shame.

Good luck!

this is one of my favorite things right now

Nathan Bransford's formula for writing a blurb:

When [conflict] happens to [MC], he must [overcome conflict] to [complete his quest].

How about this?

"Michael McNamara must once again fight for king and country against an insidious pirate menace."

I tried using Bradsford's formula, but I haven't come up with anything I like for it yet.

--edited by Ian Nathaniel Cohen on 8/13/2013, 1:55 PM--

Both can be made to work. The hook isn't a magical formula, and no one is going to leap for the manuscript on reading it. An agent gets hundreds of queries a week, so you're not going to surprise them. The best you can hope for on reading it is that they will continue, and give you the chance to make them want to turn to the writing sample.

Post the query, to see if the package will work for someone who reads it cold. You might also want to post a few thousand words of the opening to see if it's ready to query for.

Good points, Jay. And I agree that there's no magic formula.   What I'm trying to come up with is a query hook (not to mention the actual query) that I'm happy with.  If I don't like my own hook or query letter, why should I expect anyone else to?

As for a sample, I'm actually planning to post the entire book here and get feedback.  I've just been having some weird formatting issues when I try and upload it that I've been working on getting resolved.

Thanks!

--edited by Ian Nathaniel Cohen on 8/14/2013, 9:53 AM--

BC coordinator

--edited by Nevena Georgieva on 10/17/2013, 8:41 PM--

Nevena,

I'll check SAVE THE CAT out.  Thanks!  As for this -

Thanks for the feedback on this, BTW.  You don't think I should save these details for the body of the query letter or elsewhere?

Thanks!

--edited by Ian Nathaniel Cohen on 10/21/2013, 9:40 AM--

--edited by Jay Greenstein on 10/21/2013, 2:16 PM--

Jay Greenstein wrote:

Jay, I definitely agree with you as far as the query letter and hook are concerned.  I've been working on focusing less on the backstory and more on the Reynard/McNamara conflict in the query letter and the hook alike for this reason. 

Given that the climax does indeed relate to foiling a plot, what, if anything, what would you recommend regarding the most recent version of the hook?  "Michael McNamara must once again fight for king and country against an insidious pirate menace."

--edited by Ian Nathaniel Cohen on 10/21/2013, 2:26 PM--

Far better than previous versions. Were I to look at it as a query, I would probably look at the writing sample, which is the best you can expect of a query.

And for that you need to ask yourself some questions:

If that publisher were to take the first ten pages from your story and mix them with ten authors in your genre who s/he has sold, could the editor/agent tell, only by reading, if yours was the one that came from an unpublished writer? If they can...

Making it worse, of those submission, would yours be chosen as the best one? That's important, because as someone without a fan base, good reviews that will bring in readers are a necessity.

I know we all believe our story is great, but it's the writing that sells the manuscript. So polish that writing till it shines. Look it over to find the filter words ( http://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/) and remove those that are weakening the POV. Find the spots where you used the protagonist's name and broke POV because "he" would better fit. And look at all the "his" that could be removed or rephrased to give more impact.

--edited by Jay Greenstein on 10/22/2013, 5:04 PM--