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The Craft of Writing > Writing Sex Scenes

Writing good sex scenes is hard (no pun intended). It's not all heaving bosoms and throbbing members, after all. This is the place to talk about writing sex.

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A Young Writer Trying to Figure out How to Write a Sex Scene

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Posted on 11/27/2011
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I'm a younger writer (20 years old), and don't know much about the "sex scene" and how to write it. How would you suggest doing so?
Showing 1 to 9 of 9 comments
1 year, 4 months, 22 days ago

Hi Megan,

You'd need to give me a bit more info like, are you writing within a historical/fantastic/realistic/comic story. Is the romance a big factor or is it a sub-plot of your main story?

I do think sex scenes are difficult but I'm also aware that several writers do it brilliantly. If you want modern love with a touch of hot-under-the-collar sex scenes read Lisa Kleypass modern books such as Blue Eyed Devil or any one of her historicals - It happened one Autumn is a fave of mine - for a historical take on it. Comic love making, try Fiona Walker 'French Relations'.

I think it's a question of finding authors who write in your genre and realy analysing how and why they write their sex scene...note how many they write in one story too.

What all the sex scenes I've read have in common is that they are used as vehicles to move the story or the characters' development  along and not really thrown in just to titillate unless you're writing erotica in which you could use it to further the character's development or  just for sex's sake, it being a main ingredient of the genre.  When I read a sex scene i need to feel it's the right time for them OR it's the wrong time but that the hero/heroine will realise that later and it will get better OR also it highlights the negative aspects of a character and so is in keeping with him/her ( Jackie Collins' books show that up really well).

Basically, know your characters, know why they're having sex at that moment in the story and read up on writers you like to see how they do it. Keep a list of words they use and look up others of their ilk in a good thesaurus so you've a trove of words from which to choose from or not depending on how your writing goes. Then write, write, write, get it read, read read. Listen to the reviews and finally you will have mastered the art of the sex scene in your genre.

Hopes this was useful?
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1 year, 4 months, 21 days ago

Several things to keep in mind. First is that fiction is emotion not fact based, so focus on emotion and reaction more than plumbing. This is especially true if you’re not writing erotica.

Another is that every scene must serve a purpose to the story, so the fact of it happening must in some way be necessary, and move the plot.

And finally, any scene is one of developing tension, and things going wrong. Your reader knows what sex is like and probably has enjoyed it. So for impact, it’s more interesting if things aren’t going as planned. Otherwise you’re just taking the reader on a tour of your bedroom experiences.

And for God's sake do not, not, not use cutesy names for body parts (or have the heroine feel an electric tingle the first time the hero brushes against her) .
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1 year, 4 months, 16 days ago

Hi Megan,

This advice may be coming too late since you posted the question almost two months ago––but, I figure this could at least help others.

I'm also a young writer (19 years old). I believe I've only written two stories that involved sex scenes, but both times I felt quite intimidated to write them. It's always risky. As M Romero Nunn said, a sex scene has to have purpose, and you don't want to mess it up by making it too awkward (unless, of course, it's supposed to be very awkward).

My tactic is usually not to describe much. As with all writing, you don't want to go overboard with descriptions or it will get corny. What's typically most important about a sex scene is ... well, the fact that the characters have sex. Usually describing what happens up until the sex scene is sufficient, or heavily implying that the characters had sex. 

If you really need to write about the sex, I can't really help with that. But, there's my advice. Hope it helps somewhat!
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1 year, 4 months, 12 days ago

Well, they say, "Write what you know," so what do you know? You are 20, so what you write may click with your demographic, but you still need to take care with words, voice, setting, POV.  My core writing mantra: Understate. I am 68 years old, so what I know about sex is a lot, on many different levels. But when I sit down to write about it, I still need to take great care. Understatement, in my experience, both literal and intellectual, will create arousal 95 percent of the time. We used to call it foreplay.
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1 year, 4 months, 11 days ago

Writing sex scenes used to intimidate me like nothing else could.  What helped me was talking to other romance writers and they jollied me through writing my first scenes.  The thread is still on Book Country from last March sometime. 

I'm a research nut so I hauled myself down to the library, scoured Amazon for e-books and really got into the topic.  Not just sex, but the science behind love, lust and seduction.  (save yourself the headache and don't try doing random Google searches)

Did you know that there is a standard set of hard wired steps that men and women go through from first meeting to hitting the sheets?  Even before the first words are spoken a potential couple are already talking with their body language and eyes. 

I'm trying to find some titles of the books that helped the most.   Try searching for books on body language, I read several and that helped a lot with understanding 'the dance' and how to write the sexual tension in. 

There is a book on my shelf called Anatomy of Love by Helen Fisher who gets into the mindset of both men and women and how they view sex/dating.  One of my biggest hangups with romance novels is when the MMC doesn't act like a guy.  Really doing my homework, talking to men who are friends and willing to let me pick their brains helped. 

If you have any close friends who you feel comfortable enough to ask and who would be comfortable answering, ask questions.  One of the best sources for ideas can be hearing stories from friends of their best/worst experiences.
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1 year, 4 months, 9 days ago

Danielle, I for one would also love those book titles, more for the neurochem than anything, lol.

Megan, I wrote my first sex scene when I was 14, as a virgin. It was complete and utter crap, because it was based on me regurgitating other things I'd read. I do agree that sex scenes is one that you really need some personal experience with to write. (not sure if you do or not, its nunamy, just saying).   Beyond that, just write it, and have some people read it. They'll tell you if it works or not. 

As a further aside to that, several months ago I wrote a lesbian sex scene (I am a straight guy. )  I focused on sensation and emotion more than plumbing, as was said earlier in this thread, (excellent phrase Jay. )  and had a couple friends of mine who ARE lesbians proofread it. They had one minor quibble on mechanics, but beyond that, were unanimous, along with several other women who have since read it, in saying that it was one of the hottest scenes they'd read. A couple didn't believe it was written by a guy. So you CAN write what you don't know, but you have to have some kind of a base to build on, you know?

(Yes, I realize i contradicted myself. Ugh. )
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1 year, 3 months, 21 days ago

Check out a book called THE JOY OF WRITING SEX. It has excellent advice, and lists a crapload of books you can read for all sorts of examples of what a sex scene can accomplish and the many ways it can be written. There's also Stacia Kane's BE A SEX-WRITING STRUMPET (which I believe focuses on writing romance-novel-style sex). It's in book format, but it originally started as a series of free blog posts, which you can find under a tag search of her blog here: http://www.staciakane.net/tag/be-a-sex-writing-strumpet/ ;

You can "write what you know", but what that means is what you know about human emotion, not what you know about the mechanics of something like sex. Draw from inside yourself for the motives and feelings of your characters in sex scenes in order to make those feelings realistic. As for the mechanics, and how to craft the prose -- for that, you don't have to stick to what you "know" because you can always teach yourself more than what you know right now about sexual positions, sexual fetishes, sexual everything. Look for guides about writing sex, and also read lots of books that have sex scenes, and then deconstruct the sex scenes that impress you. Pay attention to every word and every paragraph. How does the author make the scene work? Trying to figure that out will teach you more about writing sex than, say, having sex ever will.
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1 year, 3 months, 5 days ago

Hi, Megan, I the writing courses I have done, I've been told that every scene has to have one of two purposes. It either has to move the plot forward, (change the trajectory of events) or it has to show something about the motivations of the main characters, - WHY they act the way they do -  - and that has to be motivations that relate to the main plot line or one of the major sub-plots. If it doesn't do one of those things, it doesn't belong in the book, whether it's a sex scene or not.

A sex scene might move  plot forward if, say, someone is going to blackmailed as a result of it, or if someone is going to have a heart attack shortly thereafter and have the ambulance called to a house they had no reason to be at, in resulting in their spouse discovering an affair. That'll sure change the trajectory of events.

 As for motivations, what is the main thing your main character and next couple of central character wants, and can the sex scene explain this? My favorite author is John Le Carre, and I'm racking my brains to see if I can remember any of his sex scenes. If they're there, they don't stick out in my mind.
But it's hard to see how a nuts and bolts description of who put what where serves either of those purposes. I removed the two sex scenes from my first novel based on that advice. I wrote several passages indicating they were attracted to each other but both doubted the wisdom of having sex with a co-worker. The plot leads to a situation  in which she is feeling very vulnerable and afraid doesn't want to be alone that night, there is an exchange of words to that effect, he puts his arms around her, they kiss,  and then  I just have the two main characters head for his bedroom door. Cut to next morning.
However, may some advice above is best. Find the most successful authors in your genre and find their sex scenes. We all learn by copying. Best wishes, Richard.
 
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11 months, 11 days ago

Bumping this up as there is some really good advice in here.
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