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Joined: 4/3/2011
Posts: 5
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Seventeen-year-old Cali Reynolds romantic bubble bursts when she learns her new boyfriend isn't Prince Charming, but the evil demon from her favorite fairytale.
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Joined: 3/16/2011
Posts: 214
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Hey, I like it a lot. What don't you feel is "hookish" enough about it? The overall concept, or the words you're using to describe the book?
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Joined: 3/3/2011
Posts: 21
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I think the only thing missing from this is: what decision does your protagonist face?
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Joined: 3/13/2011
Posts: 412
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I think its good.
I would write it, learns that not only is her new boyfriend NOT Prince Charming, but that he is the Evil Demon from her favorite fairytale.
but im wordy.
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Joined: 4/3/2011
Posts: 5
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From what I've sent out, it just doesn't seem to grab an agent. So I was wondering if maybe it was too blah ! But thanks for responding. Now if I can only get the rest of the query right !
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Joined: 3/13/2011
Posts: 222
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The hook seems good enough to me, I've started reading your story, since it sounded interesting enough. Maybe the hook in the first chapter is what needs to be polished a bit more? (Obviously, without seeing the rejections, hard to tell if it was opened and read at all, of course... but it was likely not just one thing, but a combination of things.)
I wish there was a formula that made the synopsis process easier. My hook and tag lines for my novels are also lacking.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 54
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This has me hooked. In fact, I'm gonna have a read of it today, during lunch.
Laters
Annabelle
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 26
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I'm torn. You have a good hook, but I am still left wondering if it is serious, humorous, a hodgepodge. Maybe I need to hear more of the repercussions of this news to get the "shazam!" factor. What does he do to out his true nature? Does she still like him? Is her life flipped upside down? I guess I just want more of a hint in how her world is burst. But like I said, I'm torn because it is still a great hook.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 25
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I'm no Hook University graduate - every time something like this happens to me, it's generally instinctive or . . . ha ha . . . totally accidental.
But . . .
Seventeen-year-old Cali Reynolds romantic bubble bursts when she learns her new boyfriend isn't Prince Charming, but the evil demon from her favorite fairytale.
Seems to me the really rock solid "hooks" arise from the story and basic concept. So right here, you've got Prince Charming and an evil demon. Thing is, I know there is such a Prince Charming fairy tale, but I can't think of an actual fairytale from Western culture that has an evil demon. So if the evil demon comes from a made-up fairy tale, you might want to invent the "Prince Charming" part of that fairy tale, which would be the opposite of the demon. You might want to look at what Cali wants in the way of a boyfriend, and what the "Prince Charming" boyfriend means to her. You might want to do this in the opposite order - i.e. put the evil demon first, then the effect on Cali later. And, I would think it's probably a little more extreme than a romantic bubble bursting. I mean - does he have horns? A tail? Pitchfork? Super embarrassing at Prom, let me tell ya . . .
(just re-watched Easy A - her boyfriend is the Demon HS mascot in that - the Blue Devil - hilarious!)
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 26
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I've been thinking it over since I wrote my post because even what I wrote sounded off to me. While re-reading the other posts, I think Amy pegged it. Maybe the "evil demon" is what threw me off.
I hate writing a one or two liner hook. I'm horrible at condensing everything. (I love the one paragraph synopsis, though.) Just take your time and don't stop revising until it sounds right to you. (Or an agent 
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Joined: 4/3/2011
Posts: 5
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I had so many different hooks. I guess I could change the fairytale to bedtime story. Let's run down the list.
"Seventeen year old Cali Reynolds has always loved fairytales, until the charming prince turns out to be an evil demon."
"Seventeen-year old Cali Reynolds has no idea that the heirloom locket she wears contains a magical power that has been bound for a century."
"Cali Reynolds is haunted by a host of problems: a demon prince wants her, a century-old curse plagues her, and to make matters worse--she's turning eighteen."
"Starting senior year in a new school is hard, but Cali has more immediate problems: a century-old curse plagues her, a demon prince wants her…and she’s turning eighteen."
Nothing jumps off the page and grabs you. It's hard to condense a romance that involves, a demon prince, a vampire, a fairy warrior and a godling. All vying for her (no spoilers). This book is basically introducing you to the characters, the series books gets into the real story.
I think perhaps the market might just be overly flooded with vampire romances, but this is lighthearted and pure. A true kissing book, he-he! It does get fun when they go over to the magic realm. But that's quite a few books away.
But any help seriously guys, is appreciated.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 26
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"Cali Reynolds is haunted by a host of problems: a demon prince wants her, a century-old curse plagues her, and to make matters worse--she's turning eighteen."
I can't speak for everyone else, but that one really stood out. I mean, it conveyed a slightly comical tone that makes me expect a sweet story, a little quirky humor, and some intense, honest moments. That's what the other hook was missing. And the way that you tell the reader she is turning eighteen is great because now we know her age, but it wasn't just handed to us.
And I actually really like your own description: "A true kissing book."
I will always love vampires and a good vampy book. I agree that the market is overflowing, but there will always be a devoted audience, no matter what the popular crowd is doing. I write about vampires in one of my series, as well. As long as the characters grab people and the premise is lively, it will find an audience. (I'm having an extremely optimistic day, though.
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Joined: 4/3/2011
Posts: 5
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I love when those optimistic days strike, they are so far and few between, that you have to take advantage. My one and only vampire is so sexy and not the normal vampire, but a cursed Prince. It is humorous, and lighthearted and comical at times. If only I could get an agent to agree. LOL
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Joined: 3/13/2011
Posts: 412
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Thats a good point Amy. Perhaps, evil wizard?
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