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Joined: 11/19/2011
Posts: 7
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In your opinion, what it the absolute worst way to begin a story? What will make you cringe as you toss the book on the floor, never to look back?
Mine is if it starts like "Hi, my name is ______. I am ___ years old. I live in ___, a small town in the state of _____. My best friend is ____. I like this boy, ____, but he will never like me.
It pained me to write that. Must I explain why it is so terrible?
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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Honestly, I think you nailed it on the head. If I remember right, didn't Twilight start that way? Its a shame that counts as writing. Can we play MadLibs with it? Am I dating myself? Oh well, I'm going to do it anyway.
Hi, my name is (adjective). I am (noun) years old. I live in (adverb), a small town in the state of (color). My best friend is (fruit). I like this boy, (adjective), but he will never like me.
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Joined: 11/19/2011
Posts: 7
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Heres what me and my friend came up with
Hi, my name is sparkly. I am fetus years old. I live in Gleefully, a small town in the state of Neon Black. (my favorite color. cause its impossible) My bes friend is Cantalope (forgive me if that wasn't spelled correctly) I like this boy, Constipated, but he will never like me
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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That was awesome! Thanks for playing along.
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Here' an article on that: http://jakonrath.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-not-to-start-story.html
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Joined: 11/20/2011
Posts: 2
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And yet Twilight was published... I've never read it, but I heard it's written rather poorly. Now, WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG since none of us is on the shelves overshadowing all those badly written books?
The Twilight is written for girls. Need more hint? Girls LOVE journaling. And that simple beginning is like peeking into someone's diary. She MUST be doing something right. Right? Plus, the book is written on 4th grade level, so language, vocabulary, structure and all the rest of those fancy-shmancy is not in the reader's way.
One editor said, "If pretty sentences was what readers want, then Market would be dominated by English Majors."
The topic is important. For the unpublished crowed. I guess we have to decide first who we want to write for. I wouldn't count on my story getting attention of the young audience. So I may up the notch of sophistication.
Fantasy is a genre that draws younger crowd, so if your editor will advise you to start "My name was Salmon, like the fish; first name, Susie...." you may want to consider.
Tell me, what is your perfect beginning?
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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@Jay: That guy couldn't be any more correct. Now I must go back and rewrite the start of my blasted prologue again. Sigh. I'm never going to ready to publish this thing any time soon.
@Alina Vitali: I suggest reading the blog that Jay linked. Any beginning that doesn't start that way is the perfect beginning. I've heard the advice more than once. Unless you're Melville. I think, "Call me Ishmael," is an exception to the rule of no names. The fact that Twilight is so popular is a travesty, but there are plenty of bad books that get published because they're marketable. That is the key to making it big. You're book has to be marketable. The general public wouldn't know "well written" if it smacked them in the face and spilled their Starbucks coffee. I know, how cynical of me, but its the truth. Picking up a popular book is a crap shoot. You never know what you might end up with.
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Joined: 11/19/2011
Posts: 7
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if the book was intended for fourth graders, then why is the movie PG-13? And it has fancy-schmancy words. Just is has no flow, like she wrote it and for every other word clicked synonym on Word.
And if it was journal style, you wouldn't introduce yourself. You don't mean for everyone to be reading it, do you?
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Joined: 8/13/2011
Posts: 272
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Personally, I've never read Twilight (for a whole lot of reasons), but the flat out worst opening I've ever seen is the beginning to The Last Centurion by John Ringo. Why? Well, the book is written as though it's a series of blog posts, so the first TEN chapters are background information. There's maybe one moment of establishing characterization in there. It's horrifying.
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Joined: 2/27/2011
Posts: 353
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I will tell you the three kinds of beginnings that usually turn off an agent when reading new fiction:
1.) The book opening with the protagonist waking up, or waking up from a dream.
2.) The book opening with a prologue. Prologues are rarely necessary.
3.) The book opening with the protagonist standing and staring at something, deep in thought. It's static and there is no forward motion to the narrative.
Cheers!
Colleen
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Joined: 11/19/2011
Posts: 7
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I like prologues. 
lol I never use them for background information though. Just a short first chapter. I like starting my book twice.
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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 608
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Ooh, this could be fun! LeAnna, thanks for the writing prompt. Since others have done the serious, helpful commentary here I am going to indulge in childish frivolity and take a stab at writing my own version of that opening:
Hi, my name is Eldritch. I am 200 years old. I live in Grotesquely, a small town in the state of Red Aegyptus. My best friend is Kumquat. I like this boy, Hollow, but he will never like me.
Actually . . . hmmm. . . . God help me but these words do suggest the start of a vampire tale to my hyper-suggestible mind. (Only mine wouldn't be sparkly. They'd be . . . umm . . . plaid. They would have Scottish brogues and a compulsion to collect small, dimpled white balls and prey on back-nine-hole golfers. Their arch-foes would be the "Howler Beaks", savage were-canaries who had sworn blood-oaths of eternal vengeance and hatred and occasional ennui-inducing rituals of endurance cracker-crumb mastication against plaid vampires.)
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Joined: 6/7/2011
Posts: 467
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Eldritch awoke, the wind howling outside the double-glazed windows of his fourth-floor walk-up on the corner of rustic Chauncy Street.
"Begorrah!" he cursed, rubbing sleep crumbs from his double-bagged eyes.
He felt bad. He felt terrible. If I told you, dear reader, of the troubles our Eldritch (even a small fraction!) had endured in the last three nights, your credibility would be as strained as a plateful of prunes on a nursing home dining table. The were-canaries were bad enough – but the loss of his golfball collection?!
"Blasted Howler Beaks!" he grumbled disgruntledly, "they will pay!"
But something told him the worst was yet to come.
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Joined: 6/7/2011
Posts: 467
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Worst way to start a book?
Sober.
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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 608
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Re: Atthys: heh! 
PS. My own vote for the worst way to start a novel: dream sequence.
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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What have I done! I have created a monster! A plaid monster that attacks my mother's golf buddies and battles against were-canaries. (If Eldritch wanted to kill them he could just send them down a mine shaft to check for poisonous gas.)
I must admit, were-canaries are pretty weird, but not he weirdest lycanthrope I've ever come across in fantasy. How about giant were-monkeys from outer space?
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Joined: 8/13/2011
Posts: 272
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I'm assuming those are Saiyans from Dragonball.
Personally, I think the weirdest I've seen is a were-snapping turtle.
Another bad way to open a novel: Political rant.
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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I was wondering if someone would call it out. (I blame my husband.)
I've never come across were-snapping turtles. That would be odd. Might I ask what work those are from?
I agree. Political rants are a pretty bad way to open a novel. I have to add, "It was the year _____ ," in Science Fiction. You pretty much end up dating your work right from the get go.
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Joined: 8/13/2011
Posts: 272
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I honestly cannot remember where I saw the were-snapping turtle. I just remember his 'Lycan' form being described as a '6 foot tall, three hundred pound armour plated tank'. It kinda stuck in the brain.
Personally, I think you can get away with using 'it was the year XXXX and' so long as you use your own dating system. Actually pegging it to a year is just asking for it to blow up in your face.
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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Pity, that would have been something worth checking out.
Thats the thing though, most people don't use their own dating system. And, even though you may use your own system, starting a book out, "It was the year 789," may just confuse people more. I find writers that lead their audience into a world can be more effective. Take the classic SF 1984. Even though the title of the book is a date, the book doesn't start out that way. Despite using our dating system, the people in this world really don't know what year it is because of the government. Orwell's first sentence actually talks about the weather and the time. Something that most writers should never do if you read that blog that was posted up earlier. (I can't see the name.) He takes his time explaining why the date might be 1984.
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Joined: 6/7/2011
Posts: 467
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Of course with the first sentence of 1984, the hook is that the clocks are striking thirteen, which does catch your eye.
Personally, I think a lot of writers have gotten away with openings that break the rules (It was a dark and stormy night, Ishmael). Rules are wonderful. Certainly we mere mortals, beating our tiny fists against the great brick wall that guards the border of Successfulwriterville, had ought to follow them whenever possible. But I've broken them, so have you, and so has any writer worth reading.
The first job of any sentence in narrative prose is to make you read the next sentence (and this is, of course, especially true of the opening sentence.) Do that and all your sins will be forgiven.
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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I must throw the white flag down to Atthys on this one. He makes one of the the best points.
I must add that in europe, and the military, clocks strike thirteen. Its called a twenty four hour clock. Thirteen is one. It catches your eye because people aren't used to it. Most of them time a reader is used to seeing "The clock struck twelve," or anything under that. It didn't phase me when I saw "thirteen" reading the sentence today because my husband is military, but it would give the reader pause if they aren't used to it. So again, here is my towel Atthys.
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Joined: 6/7/2011
Posts: 467
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LeeAnna. You are very gracious, but no towels are necessary. Actually my wife uses the twenty-four hour clock as well, a habit she picked up in residency. But Orwell's opening sentence still intrigues. I sometimes like to pull random books from the shelves and look at opening sentences, seeing what grabs and what doesn't. To be honest, I don't think there is any formula. Mostly, good writing is good writing, and why something works can be pretty hard to analyze. But, we learn by trying.
Cheers.
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Joined: 12/29/2011
Posts: 10
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Ack! I started one of my books with a dream/vision--changed it b/c that's a classic no-no. Now I have the protag finding it hard to get out of bed and face the day--guess that would qualify as protag waking up! Revise, revise, revise.....
My least fav. beginning that hasn't been mentioned: lots of heavy emotion experienced by people you don't know yet. She choked back tears, he slammed the table, she thought and felt....but who ARE these people? And also big no-no for me: SHE sees HIM from afar and is in love. They have 10 pages before exchinging a few words.
RE: Twilight--I read them all b/c I have high school students and wanted to see what they're talking about. A big selling point for girls: a boyfriend who loves you to pieces and never demands sex until it's your idea. It helps to have a strong boyfriend who will pull you away from a speeding car, can sneak into your bedroom window at night (and not ask for sex), and fulfills your need to rebel agaisnt authority, too. Stephenie Myer was in the right time at the right place.
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Joined: 11/19/2011
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Another one, another one!
They start the book like a fairy tale, say "once upon a time there lived a magical princess." Not fantastic in itself, but oh well.
Then... "Just kidding! I am a normal person blah blah blah" No, I hate the Just kidding! The first sentence, (even if it is once upon a time) draws you into the feel of the book. Once you throw in a "just kidding" it shoves the reader back out and against a wall. I can never get back into it the same way I could have if you started it describing your story instead of joking arounfd with the opposite.
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Joined: 3/13/2011
Posts: 412
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They really did that? ugh. There are so many better ways to handle that that add to characters right away,
"Or, at least that's the kind of person I WISH I could be. In reality, when I'm not doing x y and z in my head, I am..."
Of course, i dislike narratives that start out with a person describing themselves. I want to start at page 3 of your journal, and get an idea of who you are from the ongoing story, not read your OKcupid profile first....
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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If I read someone describing themselves, I automatically think they're an unreliable narrator because people never are as they perceive themselves to be even if that isn't the writer's intent.
What, no one else is going to follow my writing prompt? That makes me sad. Oh well.
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Joined: 1/10/2012
Posts: 192
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And LeeAnna:
Hi, my name is Bucolic. I am Gossamer years old. I live in Profoundly, a small town in the state of Lavender. My best friend is Avocado. I like this boy,Mellifluous, but he will never like me.
I love those words. And, well, I just think avocados are delicious.
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Joined: 1/10/2012
Posts: 192
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Okay, so my computer erased my very long-winded original post. Damn. I'm going to try to recall most of it.
I read the Twilight books in spite of myself, and managed NOT to mark all four with my red pen until they were bleeding. Not well-written at all, but my inner, long-repressed high school bookworm identified with them. She is much less learned than I, and forgives poorly-written, unnecessarily verbose prose about ridiculously sparkly vampires without fangs, who drive Volvos. Damn it. But I digress. I enjoyed the list of what not to do, and thankfully other than employing a prologue (which I will go rectify), I can say I didn't use any of those.
But, @Kat Day - it saddened me to see you list the emotional scene as a no-no, since I use that at the beginning of my story. I can understand that, since the reader doesn't know the people involved, how can he or she be drawn into the story, but in my work, the confrontation sets the stage (so to speak) for how my MC changes her life and reshapes herself. It's a defining moment. Though it's not meant to garner sympathy or feelings for the MC (I'm introducing her slowly and making her work for the reader's heart), it's a pivotal moment.
So, my peers, if any of you read this post and would like to go visit me and my WIP, The Job, and have suggestions for how I can execute this vital part of the story in a better way, I am truly all ears. While I wait, I'm going to work on my "show, don't tell." Carry on.
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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Haha. Thanks, Laura. I originally put it up to make this fun, and to show how truly ridiculous a beginning like that sounds. It becomes far more entertaining with the MadLibs twist.
As for Twilight: Because it is poorly written is the reason why people should not read it, or read it to learn what not to do. (Sparkling vampires? Really. Ms. Meyer, isn't that taking the saying "diamonds are a girl's best friend" a bit too literally? The Vegas showgirls want their look back.) I will add that my middle school years didn't even identify with those who read those books, but I was the weird kid.
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Joined: 1/10/2012
Posts: 192
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LeeAnna - A large part of me regrets ever opening the first book. I suppose it was morbid fascination that kept me going; surely, it had to get better! A book with no action, no conflict other than the weary metaphor of the forbidden fruit (yawn), no acceptable or even reasonable resolution to a love triangle is not a marketable series, right? I remember flipping the book over repeatedly, just to reassure myself that it had, indeed, been published by a publishing house. I can't honestly say that if I had been the editor, I wouldn't have laughed as I threw this one in the circular file. But anyways, I applaud your inner middle school student, who most likely instead filled her young mind with Bronte, Austen and Hemingway. *sigh* One of my favorites is still The Old Man and the Sea. 
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Joined: 8/13/2011
Posts: 272
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Let's see
Hi, my name is Proton. I am e-1 years old. I live in 14-dimensional space, a small town in the state of Multiverse. My best friend is Neutron. I like this boy, Positron, but he will never like me.
There's probably a science fable in there somewhere.
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Joined: 4/27/2011
Posts: 608
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Heh-heh! That was HILARIOUS, Timothy!
:::applause-applause::::
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Joined: 3/13/2011
Posts: 222
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Oh my, such an interesting discussion... so many places to start, not nearly enough time to go through them all.
Honestly, there is no start of a book that truly upsets me, annoys me, or pisses me off. However, there are a lot of books, even among professionally published that just do not catch my attention. I've come to realize that I'm almost never hooked by the first paragraph or the first page. I typically give a book the first scene or chapter to see if I like it. And I usually give this to the book in the bookstore.
If the book hasn't offended me in the first scene, I flip to the middle. Book goes back on the shelf if I find:
A sex scene.
Convoluted sentences that make no sense to me.
Nothing interesting.
Now, I probably offended a few people with the sex scene aspect. Lots of books have sex scenes in them. I'm not exactly against sex scenes, but if I flip to somewhere in the middle and I find a sex scene, that tells me there is likely a lot of sex in the book, and that doesn't interest me. If I wanted sex in my epic fantasy, I would go find an erotic website full of sex. I want fantasy, not the Sexual Adventures of Bob and Company.
But, I digress. The opener just needs to have something of interest going on by the end of the scene. Preferably within the first 3 or 4 pages. If the writing is stellar and the style catches me, I'll even forgive nothing interesting going on, so long as the non-interesting things catch my attention. (Which, by default, makes them interesting.)
Now, to participate in the general foolery I do so love.
Hi, my name is __Aramathea___. I am __two_ years old. I live in _koalaville__, a small town in the state of __confusion___. My best friend is __bratwurst__. I like this boy, __insanity__, but he will never like me.
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Joined: 3/13/2011
Posts: 412
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I know a lot of construction formulas that say, if you have one sex scene, have it in the middle of the book, to provide a sort of, (if you'll pardon the pun) mini-climax at that point.
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Joined: 3/13/2011
Posts: 412
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Hi,
my name is Jefty. I am five years old. I live in the past, a small town in the state of what was. My best
friend is The Shadow. I like this boy, who is never named , but he will
never like me.
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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Yay! I like all the responses. They're so creative. Tim's made made me laugh, hard. Props to anyone who can write that science fable. Mr. Hollins, yours is quite clever. RJBlain, that was quite the silly bit of foolery indeed. I adore it.
But, if anyone can top Carl's Horn Beaks and plaid vampires, I shall take them imaginary trap shooting with a box of Twilight books (because that's all they're really good for).
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Joined: 3/13/2011
Posts: 412
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to be fair, mine is cribbed from the Harlan Ellison story, Jefty is five.
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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Hey, who said there was such thing as fair? I didn't. I saw nutin'.
::turns around and walks away::
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Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 6
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The worst way to start a story, man talk about a tough decision. I would have to say trying to do something like make everything seem so perfect and the main character has the house with a white picket fence and then suddenly "And then I woke up and realized I was still a bum." I mean the "Hi my name is...." opening is bad too, and using a prologue can be a slow start sometimes but I don't think either of them quite stack up to the "and it was just a dream" approach.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 22
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Personally, I like a prologue if it is setting up the story, like X amount of years prior to chapter one. I love romance, but if it opens up with a sex scene with the hero being completely incorrigible, I loose interest. Give me something to root for before I write him off in the first paragraph. I try and give a book at least three chapters before I toss it aside and give up. If the author hasn't captured my interest by then, I figure it's not going to. My biggest pet peeves are too little description OR too much and if it seems choppy, like the author was in a hurry to write it. I enjoy dialogue between characters. I want to feel as if I'm part of the story.
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Joined: 4/26/2011
Posts: 22
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That being said, here is my try at a 'bad' opening..."Hi, my name is Mushroom. I am roughly 25 years old, but I really stopped counting at 21. I live in Delirium, a small town in the state of Dreamland. My best friend is Raindrop. I like this boy, Toadstool, but he will never like me (for obvious reasons )
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Joined: 8/22/2011
Posts: 14
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I am guilty of opening with a weather scene. Not just a weather scene- a weather scene in a prologue. Two big no-no's.
From the thoughtful feedback I've gotten on BC and from reading lots of other people's WIPs I can see why opening with weather is kind of boring. I am still a little on the fence for prologues though.
I also actually might read a book that opens "My name is..." but I tend to read almost anything so I'm a bad judge
Fun topic!
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Joined: 8/22/2011
Posts: 14
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Oh and here is my bad opening using the My Name is...
Hi, my name is Ari and I am 11 years old. I live in a small hut on the island of Cabra in the Philippines. My best friend is my pet turtle. I like this boy, Ben the pearl diver's son, but he will never like me.
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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I had a prologue, but I changed it to being the first chapter. It worked better that way despite that it fit all the rules for a prologue.
I see you two tried to do bad openings (yours is cute, Tabetha), but now try doing it MadLib style. The template is posted on the first page.
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Joined: 1/31/2012
Posts: 16
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I hate finding out on the first page that the hero is dead and the whole book is some kind of flashback. It's like the problem with prequels, you know what's going to happen.
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Joined: 4/30/2011
Posts: 662
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I'm with Bryan, flashbacks suck because then there is no climax. You know they're going to die. Now, if your hero is dead, but it isn't a flashback, it can be quite interesting if written well.
Lynne: Depends on the prologue. Most prologues I've read don't give anything away. Sometimes they seem to have nothing to do with the story at all. A good prologue is hard, and it's a good idea to avoid them unless necessary.
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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Ouch. I'm writing one now that is mainly (2/3) told in flashbacks. However, it's not a 'main character is dead' story, more a 'main character in peril' story, and the flashbacks are of the 'how he H*** did I get here?' sort.
I've been guilty of starting with a character navel gazing, and I'd like to change it, but I'm not sure if I can pull off the characterization I want without it. I mean, he's a navel gazer. He navel gazes. It's kinda what he does.
I'm presenly plotting out a book where the main character is dead, and every time she remembers that she flashes back to the scene where she died. So there will be flashbacks, but the book isn't *about* how she died, it's just the starting point.
Personally, I've gotten a little tired of stories starting with explosions. Give me a sense of who the characters are, or I'm not going to care much about the conflict.
Also, I'm getting tired of prose that's written for fourth graqdes. Give me some stuff where the prose itself is crunchy and chewy and weighty, like Brin or Cherryh,
rather than the haute cuisine stripped down stuff.
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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 376
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Also -
Hi, my name is Laden. I am weight years old. I live in specifically, a small town in the state of sepia. My best friend is barley. I like this boy, gepanzerte, but he will never like me.
I just went through my WIP pulling them as I saw them... I had to cheat on Color and Fruit... I'm writing in a sepia toned world from the POV of an automaton, so...
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Joined: 3/12/2012
Posts: 8
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No action is the death of a novel. If there is no action, I'm gone. I know this is a very simple rule for me, but I want to see action and a reaosn to be pulled in quickly. I don't like filler in any form or fashion. .
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