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Kaleb Ridenour is a Fallen Angel and up until a couple thousand years ago, he thought he was deserving of his fate. Now, armed with the knowledge that he was betrayed by another Angel, he 's on a mission to uncover the truth and reclaim his place among the righteous. To accomplish this, he'll need to go deep into the bowels of The Underworld to Tartarus, a place from which not even the most powerful of immortals can return. Save for one race: the Phantoms. Going against Fate, Kaleb has been scowering the globe to find just one of these elusive beings and when he finally does, she's not like anything he could have ever expected. Alina Klein hasn't had an easy life. Orphaned from birth, she was in and out of foster homes for the first twelve years of her life. As if that weren't enough, she's always been able to commune with the dead...whether she wants to or not. Now things seem to be getting worse - she keeps losing time and she's pretty sure she's being stalked by...an angel?
(No author's note)
First impression: Well written, easy to read, solid. You have good ideas and express them well, there is an authenticity to the dialogue of your characters. The opening paragraphs are fantastic and poetic. I didn't need to know exactly what was going on to enjoy it, I just know interesting things will happen later because of it.I like the premise, wasn't sure I would like the Underworld idea but you do a good job of explaining what is happening and I was never confused about what I was reading. I think you did a great job and will follow you on Book Country to see how it turns out!
Each time I thought I might have suggestions, I went over it and found nothing to advise!The only suggestion I can make is to watch for too many adverbs (descriptor's/words ending in ly can add up quickly). For example, 38% of the way through the story, "She nodded distractedly, already lulled to the precipice of a trance by the potent fragrance of his powerful blood." distractedly, potent and powerful are a lot in once sentence.91% through "...her tone was nonchalant, one eyebrow raised in a sarcastic arch." I would take out "sarcastic".
Love it. I wanted to know more about Kaleb right away, I want to know what happens to him next. He's interesting, as I found Circe to be. The dialogue is good and flows well between them, it is clear and easy to follow.Great job!
Whoa! I just read the 2nd review and I have to say that I completely disagree! The points he raises about the intro being confusing...? What the what?! Was he reading a different book? Kimberly, I, for one, found this to be very compelling and one that I couldn't put down. I'm not an avid reader of romance, but some books/series in Urban Fantasy catch my interest and this seems like something that I'd enjoy. LOVED the intro - very unique and attention grabbing.
The Voice was superb. It's clear that you have your own style of writing and I think I'd be able to recognize it if I picked up a book and didn't know the author - I think I could guess at who wrote it. Very distinct and clear.
I think the intro really helped with this, but I want to learn more about Kaleb. He seems to have a lot going on. From the beginning of the book we see that he's deailing with something epic and then to find out that he's got to go on a quest of some kind - a journey into the Underworld - I love it. Circe is an intriguing character and I liked the balance of her sort of flippance to his rigid sense of desparation. Very well done, Ms. Kimberly! I'd really like to read more because I think I may be witnessing the birth of a best-selling series!
Hi Kimberly,What an interesting premise! I can already tell that this is going to be a very unique series of books - a difficult feat in the genre of Paranormal Romance! I, for one, LOVED the bible-esque intro. I think that the abrupt change to action was served well by Circe - who is a GREAT character by the way. Obviously she's supposed to be annoying, but she's not annoying to the reader - just to Kaleb, which is very entertaining to read. I like tone you've set, too!
I also loved the Voice. Not judging based off of the Voice in the intro [that was different], but the Voice of the body is strong and I liked the way the narration flowed with the dialogue. It was seamless and after a while I didn't feel like I was reading as much as seeing the action in my mind.
I love the characters you've introduced so far. Even with just a few lines in the intro, I feel like we know a little something of Michael. Kaleb seems like he's going to be a very strong, complex leading man. Circe seems like a wise old brat, which is a good thing because I think that's what you were going for. Can't wat to read more!
Okay, you did ask for comment, so you have yourself to blame for this ;–)Before I begin, though, you need to know that nothing I say has anything to do with your talent or potential as a writer, or the story. And given that you’ve worked hard on this, and put so much of yourself into it, it’s a given that you have the necessary desire and perseverance. And, the storyline sounds interesting.So why do I sound like I’m readying you for bad news? Because I am, but I don’t want you to be discouraged, because you’re doing exactly what you were taught to do in school. An English teacher would probably give you good grades. An acquiring editor on the other hand…First, biblical intro: dump it. A reader has no context so it’s just words. Look at it from a reader’s POV:• And Kaleb was merciless as he struck the mortals down, continuing in their slaughter even as the blood of their dead covered his skin to his neck and smeared his brow.We don’t know who we are, where we are, or what’s going on. We don’t know if it’s meaningful to the plot or fluff. Who is Kaleb? Dunno. What is he? Dunno. Why is he murdering people? Dunno. And how can he CONTINUE what we didn’t know was going on?So the very first line has a reader saying, “Huh? They want to know what’s going on and why it matters, but you’re marching on as if they’re saying, “Right on!”Now jump ahead to the actual story ad look at the reader’s response to several lines:• Circe slammed the heavy cover of the Tome shut and smirked at the male who towered over her1, Why do I care that the cover is heavy when I don’t know what the “Tome” is. In the intro you talked about “The Book…”2. Why did she slam the cover shut? Unless I know that, the action is meaningless to me. You know. She knows. The male knows. But didn’t you write this for the reader? Fair is fair. If we don’t know what she knows, as she knows it, what she does lacks context.3. Why is she smirking? Again, we need to know what her reasoning is and how she expects the one she’s disrespecting to react—her purpose. Without knowing that I’m peering at people I don’t know, doing things I don’t care about because they have no meaning or purpose from my viewpoint.4. “Male?” if he’s not important enough the be more than a generic male he’s unimportant to the story. And giving me his nale later cannot retroactively remove the problem here.5. You specifically mention that he’s very tall. And because you do it means that matters. But at this point I don’t know if he’s a typical male, she’s a short female, or anything else meaningful. - - - - - -The first actual story line and as a reader I’m confused on five points. And you address none of them in the next line, which raises more questions. But that never happens when you read. Why? Because you turn to the first paragraph already knowing the scene in detail. You know who she is. You know who he is and what they are to each other. You know the purpose of the scene and the thoughts going through her head. And of more importance, you have the scene already in your head. So when you read, with the first word call up images, dialog, ideas, and intent, all living in your head. But me? Anyone will tell you that my head is empty. So what do I get? Someone I don’t know is reporting a conversation between two people I don’t know, as they discuss things that are meaningless to me. She says things meant to insult and he takes insult. But I don’t know what they’re talking about and why she’s pissed. I don’t know where they are. I don’t know time of day, or why she has to kneel to read.Here’s the problem: You’re telling the story. You’re thinking in cinematic terms. The characters emote and move about in your head and you tell me what just happened. But then you have to clarify, with things like “He knew that she enjoyed goading him and usually he could tamp down his reactions to her, but he was on edge.” But that’s a generality, that means something only to someone who knows their relationship AND their society. And because you’re reporting events as an external observer who can apparently read the minds of the characters I have no feel for the character, other then in external generalities.When we learn to write, in school, we make the assumption that writing is writing. They drum it into our heads for twelve years. And they grade us on having learned the compositional techniques they teach us so well that we feel they’re intuitive, and forget all the practice it took to make it so. But what do they teach us? A general skill that will be of use to the vast majority of adults. Remember, schooling isn’t given us as a gift because our government likes us. We’re being readied to become interchangeable workers, who have a good basic background in reading, writing, math, and the basics of science.So what kind of writing is is assumed we’ll do? Reports, proposals, letters, and essays—ALL NONFICTION applications, all fact based, all author-centric.But readers want us to manipulate their emotions. We read a romance to be titillated, and to fall in love, not to learn that a fictional character did. We read horror to be terrified. We read adventure to fantasize adventures that in real life would leave us quite dead. We read to have our emotions manipulated.To do that the writing must be emotion, not fact based. It needs to be character-centric, not author/narrator centric. And that takes an entirely different set of compositional techniques.Moreover, writing for the page must take into account the strengths and weaknesses in the medium. If I’m an actor and my line is, “John, you really are a bastard,” I’ll ask, “So what’s my motivation. Am I angry? Laughing? A doctor delivering a DNA report?” And given that information, the finished film or play will have the actor presenting the line both visually and audibly with the proper emotion. But what about on the page? We have the line to read. We can’t ask how to read it, but we are expected to place emotion into the reading? How can we do that without help? And to make things worse we won’t know what the line says till AFTER we read it. So we can’t even guess—unless we know the character and their mind-state that we ARE that character and the line is something we personally want to say because of how we’ve been made to feel.We can’t guess, of course. But the compositional tricks and craft of the fiction writer are based on making the reader become the actor, and feel what the character does, not just know they felt. See the problem? It’s not something we’re taught as part of our education. It’s something we need to learn and perfect, because only the professional fiction writer needs the craft of the pro. Just like any other profession, we need to acquire a professional education. And that’s what you’re missing at present—just like everyone else, myself included, when I stood where you are today.To introduce you to a few concepts, try these articles. This one provides some background on the role of a scene, its elements and construction, and how it works for you to hook and keep the reader.http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.htmlIf that makes sense, here’s one way to present POV so that the reader feels as if they’re actually on the scene, in real-time, rather than with the narrator, listening t them tell the story. There are other methods, but this is a really powerful tool.http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phpYou may also hind a few useful hints in this article, in my blog. It was written for the new writers in my RWA chapter:http://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/03/16/the-beginners-corner/Hang in there, and keep on writing.Jay Greensteinhttp://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/
Unfortunately, because your approach to the storytelling is one of fact-based reporting it's more dispassionate than it should be.
Again, the external, visual observer gets in the way of knowing the character and their motivation, so while we know what happens, it's unemotional knowledge, so no bond is built between reader and protagonist. this problem cures itself with a bit more knowledge of the tricks of presentation.
• Before I chose to respond to your review, I took the liberty of looking over your reviews for other writers and I noticed a bit of a trend - no ratings higher than 2 stars. That’s because, as I said, you’re writing as you’ve been taught, as is every one of us when we begin to write fiction, because we know no better. The same problems always yield the same response. Basically, though the plot and the characters are different, your approach is identical to any other new writer, that of a reporter.
“There are far too many would-be works of fiction in which plot and character are not revealed, but explained.” ~ Peter Miller • I've posted this particular piece on several other writing sites and the reviews have ranged from moderately impressed to near-praise. Much more satisfying, and easier to accept then bad news, of course. But how much do you learn from people who agree with you? And how many praiseful reviews came from a published author? How many from someone who owned a manuscript critiquing service? Being praised by someone who cannot sell their own work is worse than useless, because it may be praising the very thing that keeps them from publication. • The things that you've pointed out strike me as the items that an over-zealous reviewer - one who takes pride in ripping apart the works of others. No, it’s the professional opinion of someone who was paid to evaluate the saleability of manuscripts. I tell you want you need to know, not what you want to hear. More difficult to accept, of course, but also am lot more useful. • I know the value of a good review and I know which ones to ignore. I think I’ve made it clear where I think yours falls. I find it interesting that you made no comment on either the articles I suggested. I wish you luck with your writing career.
“There are far too many would-be works of fiction in which plot and character are not revealed, but explained.” ~ Peter Miller
Hello Jay, First, thank you for taking the time to review [I guess]. Before I chose to respond to your review, I took the liberty of looking over your reviews for other writers and I noticed a bit of a trend - no ratings higher than 2 stars. I read over your review of my work and I couldn't help but be struck by how convoluted it seemed. I've posted this particular piece on several other writing sites and the reviews have ranged from moderately impressed to near-praise. I don't say this to be arrogant; I'm just giving you the reason for why I won't be putting much value on your review. The opening I was a little hesitant about because I've never written anything 'biblical', but the overall response to that has been positive and has given me the confidence to keep it as the intro. The things that you've pointed out strike me as the items that an over-zealous reviewer - one who takes pride in ripping apart the works of others. Perhaps I'll have a difference of opinion on your prowess with writing once I've had a chance to read and review your submitted works.
I’ve been on the review circuit for a while and with English [with a concentration in Creative Writing] as my college degree, it’s been near to my heart for a while now. I know the value of a good review and I know which ones to ignore. I think I’ve made it clear where I think yours falls. Respectfully,
Kim Jones
Interesting premise and development of characters. The introduction with the verses added interest.
The piece is well written. Tension between characters is well described.
We get a good feel for the two characters in the opening of the book. I would have read on.
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