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The year is 2775. After continuous wars and natural disasters for over 400 years, the world has changed for the better, except for the people who have been born with special abilities that become dangerous upon the brink of an unnatural death. They are called potential or full sorcerers and enchantresses. Nick Lockheart is a normal 15 year old student at an academy called Anastasia Palace who has precognitive visions and has been contacted by a young girl while training to be part of the school's (and 1/3 of the world's) military unit. Then, he and his best friend, among three other students are recruited and hired for a mission. The mission is supposed to be easy. The team is supposed to bring Princess Elisabeth Wintier, a potential enchantress, to a safe house after she gets a gift on her 15th birthday, a book that a full enchantress named Angelique Claiborne wants. When Elisabeth misses her stop, the team becomes targeted by Angelique, even as Nick grows closer to the princess.
These chapters have been edited, but they are in the rough draft phase. The beginning chapters also narrate Nick and Elisabeth's separate lives, before the mission begins.
I'd suggestion 'showing' what's going on a bit more, rather than telling the reader what is happening...Perhaps a bit more backstory sooner in the story?Description of the characters? (apart from the skinny, overly tan professor)I did like "....I showed up on time. You were twenty minutes early."'still had yet to fail him' I would change to either 'hadn't failed him yet' or 'had yet to fail him'Again, SHOW us the action. Describe the sound of the swords, the sweat, the emotions of the characters...I wouldn't use 'spare me' so often."Girls loves an ambitious guy (,) and ambitious you are not."Really liked Nicks 'episode'I don't understand why Kieran would willingly leave his best friend after he possibily mortally wounded him. Maybe add in an argument?I know what a vanity is but perhaps you can describe what hers looks like?I would say 'she turned away from the mirror...' and then 'Elizabeth's gaze reluctantly returned...' so the switch isn't so severe.I like their mental connection they seem to have. I am curious to find out why and how it came about. :)Good description of the smells of the ICU.Twenty stitches isn't many, perhaps change it to twenty staples as well as disolving stitches? Not sure. *shrug*Also his wound should be covered with a bandage to keep it sterile while healing, perhaps she starts changing it to a fresh bandage (as the previous is full of blood) and he sees the stitches then?Is she sitting in front of a basin?I notice a couple places where it seems a paragraph has been repeated.First it's mid sized, then it is larger than a palace?LOL 'meanwhile...' Yuck, sour gelatin. :)A bit too many 'probably'sCan you describe the pretty Eleanor?Too many 'immediately'sIsn't Grant the inappropriate jerk. lol"but he was certain he (was) going to catch hell for it."Lockehart? Lockheart? o.OWell, I am enjoying it thus far! Are there more installments?
I quite like the character of Elisabeth and learning about her. Don't know a lot about Nick yet.
Great storyline so far. I look forward to seeing what happens next.
You have a solid-looking cast here, which is a plus, but you have a number of problems here that really detract from things.Top of the problem list is your perspective. You're constantly writing from a very distant perspective, rather than focusing in on your characters' perspectives. Try not to say what they're thinking, but rather write their thoughts. For example, don't write stuff like: 'the confrontation was supposed to be embarrassing for Nick, but he had gotten used to it' (1%), but rather try and write something more like: 'there'd be a another argument, like always. He'd gotten used to them by now'. Try and give a sense of how your characters feel about it, as well as the facts. One particularly egregious moment comes when your telling us what's going on around Nick when he wakes up in the hospital. Nick can't be aware of this, but you're telling us anyway.There's a lack of description here that really strikes. We've no real feel for the world around your characters. I've no idea what the school looks like or feels like. I can't remember a reference to a smell or a sound or a sense of a place in this.One major symptom of this is that I've no real idea when this is set. You refer to the Sistine chapel, trains and Europe, but I've no idea what setting it is at all. I'm assuming its some sort of alternate earth, but that's just a guess.Overall, the best example of where your writing really feels off is Nick waking up in the clinic (65%). We start with being told where is is, then we're told what's happened to him. Both of these are fine, but would work better if you presented this in conversation or some other way. Then, in the third sentence, we're told Nick's only just waking up from surgery. So immediately, the question becomes: how does Nick know where he is? Why does he know what's happened to him? The answer to both of these should be: he doesn't. So immediately, we're being pulled away from his perspective when we shouldn't be. Being told about Eleanor heightens this, just due to your phrasing: 'Eleanor, who was the Academy's Medical Treatment professor' sounds like a someone explaining this. If you try something like 'Eleanor was both his Medical Treatment professor and the school's physician' instead, you're immediately giving Nick's perspective on her, not yours.Despite this, you have a tendency to dish out these very awkward info-dumps. A lot of the information you dish out feels very forced, as it's inserted in places it really doesn't belong. For example, you tell us where Nick is in the first sentence, but that's not the focus of the scene.One of your most wince inducing lines is 'In an Eastern country called Marivia'. In my head that instantly translated to 'In a country I just made up called Marivia'. While there's nothing wrong with inventing countries, try not to signal it so blatantly.In general, I think you've got an intriguing set of characters in an interesting looking predicament, but you're really not bringing your world to light. Try and go back and really present your world to your readers through your characters' eyes.
While your characters seem quite interesting, I think you could do with some extra work to sell them better.You really over-sell Elisabeth on her first scene. There's no real need to go into her parental angst and the elements about her mother really feel forced. Personally, I found much of her relationship with her father shined through when she's dealing with him in the second scene. I'd really recommend letting that come out in scenes, rather than a distinct info-dump.Nick really needs some more character time. He's presented in your synopsis as the guy who's got everything, but he never really comes off as anything other than kinda maudlin.
It's hard to tell with this small sample how well your pacing is working. There's some nice fore-shadowing of what's going on, but I've no idea about what's to come, so I can't make any real estimations about how much time you're spending on these parts of the story.What does strike is that there doesn't seem to be any real movement for the characters. Both of them are still well within their 'ground-state' of their lives and nothing's really forcing them to change or act. Both seem to be being dragged along passively by their experiences.
Unfortunately, I’m the guy who, when people see my name on the critique, say, “Oh no, not him!” I’ll try to be gentle, though. In fact, I’m not going to critique the story, other then peripherally. As you said, it’s a rough draft. Instead, because I’m not talking about you, your talent and potential, or the story, I’ll only talk about the approach to telling a story, because in that, you’ve fallen into the same trap I, and virtually every new writer does. You’re telling your story.That may sound like a silly thing to object to, but look at your opening. It’s not Nick waking, realizing he’s fallen asleep, and reacting to that. It’s you, watching him do it in your mind, and explaining what you’re watching to the reader, in the form of a report. Look at the sequence:1. You tell the reader where we are and that Nicks eyes opened. You don’t tell the reader what there is to see, but what he “looked at.” Why did he look at that? We don’t know. And since he doesn’t think, speak, or react to the arm, does it matter what he saw? Isn’t it the fact that he’s awake that matters to him—or more directly, that he’s fallen asleep again?2. You tell us that he looks around and discovers that everyone is looking at him. But: he opens his eyes, and instead of focusing on the fact that he’s in trouble he takes inventory of who’s watching? And notes that one else is talking, or bored? Here you have a group of people react as an individual, always a bad idea.3. Then you tell us that the professor’s face “began to redden.” He woke at the exact second that began? Everyone is already looking at him and the professor is just beginning to react? 4. You then stop the action to tell us what class he was taking and that he’d fallen asleep. But: We already know he was asleep. We already know he’s in class. Why do we care if it’s art history or creative writing? Why do we care that he was asleep. We don’t know who he is or why he’s WORTHY of our attention yet. Shouldn’t making him worthy of that come first?5. Then, like every new writer you stop the scene, dead, and as yourself, lecture the reader on what went on before the story began. That’s informing, not storytelling. It’s history, and how many people buy history books for entertainment?6. In the lecture you made it a point to tell the reader that the professor was about to give him hell in front of the class. You told them the professor was red with anger. But what happens? The bell rings and the man calmly asks him to stay and shows no trace of anger, then or later.- - - - - -My point is that you’re doing two things. First, you’re moving your characters around to make things happen. So one moment they’re angry and the next you don’t need that and they’re calm. If you need smart a character is smart. When you need them dumb they oblige. But because of that everyone speaks with your voice and thinks with your mind.But look at your characters. They’re living and reacting, one moment at a time, as we do in life. They don’t see things as you do, and they don’t pay attention to what you think is important. Look at how Nick might view that opening.1. He wakes, eyes closed, and still thinks, “Oh shit…I fell asleep again.”2. He hears tittering and student comments, but not the professor’s voice, so his next thought is, “I’m in trouble.” His eyes are still closed, but he already knows what he will see when he opens them. So the problem is, what to do. Do I open my eyes, sit up and say, “Ta-da” and play the clown? Too corny. Do I pick my head up and lean it on my hand, as though I’ve been awake and listening all along? Jones won’t buy that. Nick sighs. Maybe the best thing to do is just sit up, look Jones in the eyes, and make a shrug of the hands that says, “You got me fair and square.” Or perhaps simply sit up and say, “Sorry.So many choices. None of them good.- - - - - -Your character and situation? No. And devoting that much time to waking up is wasteful. But my point is that it was in HIS viewpoint. And isn’t his point of view the one that makes him unique, and different from Jones and the others in class? Isn’t it his story?In reality, you could open the story with Jones asking him to stay after class. What triggers the conversation is trivial. The entire sequence could have been covered b Jones saying, “You fell asleep in class again today. Why did you sign up for it if it bores you?” Nothing that went before was vital enough to have been shown.The problem isn’t you. It’s that in school we don’t learn how to write fiction. We learn some general writing skills that most people find useful. But most people write reports, essays, and proposals, all nonfiction applications.You can’t use your verbal storytelling skills because the reader can’t hear or see you, so all the nonverbal part is missing. Giving me the words you would say in telling the story aloud doesn’t help unless I know how you intended them to be inflected, the facial expressions, hand-gestures, and the mind-set to have when delivering the line. Remember, I can’t guess because I won’t know what a given line says till after I read it, and then it’s too late. For an example of why, think of how you would read my favorite example, “Jack, you truly are a bastard.” As insult? Praise? A DNA report by Jack’s doctor? Can you tell how I intended it to be read? No. But could you hear me read it, or see me there would be no doubt. And for that reason, because the reader can neither hear nor see us we need somethong different than our verbal storytelling skills.My point is simple, and not one you’re aching to hear: Writing fiction is a profession, and as such is filled with specialized knowledge and technique we don’t get even a hint of in our schooling. It’s loaded with things that once you hear them will make you whack a hand to your forehead and say, “Why didn’t I think of that?The good news? You learned the nonfiction techniques, so you can learn the fiction techniques, too—and more easily, because you’ll find them more interesting. More good news: What I’m talking about are learned skills, the tools your writing talent will use to give your fiction wings. Talent is nice to have, but education is a good working substitute for genius, after all. Think of the “no talent hacks” who are making a living writing.By all means, keep writing. But as you do, devote some time and resources to acquitting a bit of professional knowledge.Some shortcuts:I have an article for the new writer that I developed for my RWA chapter, here: http://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/03/16/the-beginners-corner/And try this article: http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phpIt shows the whys of the approach I demonstrated, above, and how to make your reader feel more a participant than a member of the audience. And if it seems to make sense look into Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict. It’s an easy, warm read, and will give you a good grounding on the nuts and bolts of writing fiction.Hangin there, and keep on writing.Jay Greensteinjaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing
We really don't get to know him as a person. Yes, we know what he did and said, but not his motivation and the way he sees his world.
Slow, I'm afraid, because you're thinking cinematically,, and reporting as the camera. Were the reader able to see the scene in the classroom it would work, but ion general, we just hear that things happened, without the actual picture, so the impact is lost.
I have some specific items below, but I'll post my general thoughts here first. It's an interesting idea, and I would like to find out more about the concept, but the writing still feels a little rough (you mentioned it might in your notes). Specifically, the dialog is driving the conversation just a little too much, and the pacing is a little bit choppy. By the second one I mean it seems like we're not quite getting the full picture. I would expect to see something happen to the character, and then feel what they're feeling. We get some of that, but not consistently throughout. I'm also a little confused about the setting. It's obviously supposed to be in this world because they're studying Michaelangalo, but I'm not sure WHEN in time. They appear to have some modern technology, but they're using swords, and there are palaces and such, and the places are no places on Earth. So when is this supposed to be? It doesn't need to be spelled out, but it could be a little clearer.But overall, the story is interesting. Go through a few more drafts and I'm curious where it'll be.Some things I wrote down while reading:Wrung his hands together makes me think of Mr. Burns.How can you be an undersachiever and competitive?"Speaking of your problems" then we hear about his flashes. This is the first time we hear about flashes, so it feels a little like the dialog driving the plot. There's a little bit of that in the conversation with the two, where there conversation is driving everything. We see that later, too, with Eleanor and Nick.I know they're in a school, and I know for some reason they have swords, but I'm not really sure where they are. Is this modern day? If so, why do they have swords? Future, past?I'm not sure about Nick's reaction to getting stabbed. He seems very nonchalant about the whole thing.You're mostly good about point of view, but at 25% you do have a shift from Sunny to Kieran and Nick without any sort of break.
This is decent, though at times I'm not sure why they're doing what they're doing (why didn't Nick's friend help him out all the way to the hospital?). I have an okay understanding of who these people are, but I want to feel a little more of their emotions to really get a grasp of who they are
The story line moves along at a good pace, but as I mentioned at the top I'm not quite feeling the characters, so it makes it a little bit choppy. So far, at least, I wouldn't make any changes to the pacing of the plot, but it you add in more color, more emotions of the character, more desciptions of the world around them, I think the pacing will move from "good" to "Excellent"
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