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It all began with an energy flux and a pilfered vile, but as their journey progresses, Therin and his companions fall deep into the demented plot of an unknown, twisted force. Unable to gain the help they need, they set out on their own to find and stop a dangerous enemy from bringing down the world around them. But the enemy isn’t always obvious and sometimes, where one adversary falls another darker power rises.
This, like many fantasy novels, is a very involved story with alternate worlds and histories, but my hope is that it is fun to read, rather than a chore. It is important to note that there are, in fact, two distinct stories involving two groups of characters which later converge. Any and all feedback is welcome. Happy reading! Adelaide
Adelaide, Your descriptive capabilities are great and I am very interested to see how these dark powers develop.Now for the picky part:Prologue - As this is a prologue, I realize you want to leave most of this mystery for later so the reader will be left with lots of questions. However you don't want too many unknowns, here, less is more. The descriptions of Caradune's actions are great, but you could still show more of what he's actually feeling and what is going on in his head- figure out how to describe why he feels the way he does.Chapter 1:at 54% - what is the difference between Solus and Tarnen?Your character development is good but still lacking that "feeling of attachment" the reader needs. To make Chp1 come more alive, perhaps you could add tid-bits of who Therin is, rather than 'telling' what he likes and doesn't like. The descriptions of his beautiful surroundings don't tell us much more than that he is an elf who loves his surroundings.Chapter 2:This chapter really changes the pace of the story, in a good way. However, there is no transition to chapter 2. - When you write a story that has more than one plot thread it's inescapable that there will be a lack of transition between some chapters. However, introducing both threads this soon in the story really halts the flow. At first I thought Therin was witnessing what was happening in chapter 2 from afar, which confused me and ultimately made me go back and re-read it. I assume there are several more chapters on Therin before his story intersects with the others. So, I would suggest lumping more of his chapters together (which would give you more time to interweave the two threads before you actually combine them). This would help the reader not only follow the plot better, but help them get attached to Therin before you tear them away and force them to meet new characters. It won't hurt the overall flow if you have to backtrack in time when you do finally switch to a new plot thread; if you do it right. Also, I agree with several of the other reviews, what's going on in Rist's mind while all this is happening is lacking a bit. Also, there are grammatical/wording errors throughout, an easy fix.
Overall, Voice is consistent except at 33%: magic is a tangible thing... (this line is inconsistent with the narrative voice). It is a good description and you should find another use for it within the story - perhaps at the very beginning of the chapter, so it doesn't pull from the voice.
The prologue pace is great, you tell the reader only what you want them to know, little else. Chapter one, as expected, is a bit slower as you need to build the world in which your characters live. While this is being done, perhaps you should add some sort of excitement, any sort of emotional or physical change would help. Pace in chapter 2 is also good, but you could always make it even more exciting.Overall, I really like where this story is headed and look forward to reading more!
Adelaide,Your prologue is captivating and drew me in quickly. You use good description which created a clear picture of Caradune's ritual. I am curious as to what he has summoned, and why. I made the assumption that he was evil, or has something to prove and by doing so becomes evil ish, but could not tell for sure.Chapter one didn't hold me as tightly as the prologue but it was necessary in order to introduce Therin, his world as ancient as it is and his love for it.Rist and William are a comedic pair. I enjoyed their dialogue and humor. "Then I would appreciate it if you would kindly remove yourself from my head." :) It's always nice to read something and chuckle aloud.I could not get a sense of the plot from these pieces but I do understand how involved this story could become. You have introduced several different elements and characters, each with their own motivations and when their paths do cross I imagine great things happening.
Voice and narration were consistent and believable.
I had no problem with the pacing of the story. One paragraph flowed naturally into the other. I wasn't jarred away from the world or characters by misplaced or excessive paragraphs and side thoughts.
Not sure if "It all began" is the best intro, especially if it will be in 3rd person limited, and also since it takes until 15% to actually find out about the blue light, so it doesn't really begin with that. But at least it's not a dream sequence (which I think has been the start of every book I've reviewed this month). Perhaps moving the "Tonight, Caradune would summon death" to start it out. Just a thought.The description of what he's doing is very vivid and detailed. I'm curious about this world, this summoning that seems to be a combination of summoning circle with native american song and dance. I think you could subtly add just a little more about the world around him (is this a medival fantasy world, modern, somewhere in between, somewhere new), but overall I like the imagery. We do get much more of the imagery in chapter 1. Once again, I think your descriptions are great, and I feel like Therin is peacefully moving through the forest, nothing but the smallest of worries on his mind. And the world building is suble enough not to distract or feel thrown together.The story seems good and interesting. My main issue overall is that it is a little bit slow. I know this is standard for High Fantasy, everything feels very expansive. Unfortunately, the pacing is just a lilttle bit on the slow side. I am intrigued by the setting, the detail, but I'm not quite pulled all the way in yet.
I thought the voice worked throughout the prologue at least. The two places where it stuck out a little was the first line, then again on 35% of "Magic is a tangible thing." Not only are we moving from past tense to present, we're moving from Caradune limited to narrator omnipotent.Chapter 1's voice is good too, as noted above.Chapter 2 needs a little bit more work. I'm not quite feeling the fear of the characters in the cave. Still mostly good, but just a little bit of editing to make it a little more pulse pounding.
This is really my main issue, as I noted above. Lots of this type of fantasy come across as a little slow to start out (Wheel of Time first comes to mind, which is amazing but has 50 pages or so of boring to wade through first). It starts picking up more in chapter 2, but the first two chapters lay out a beautiful world with not a whole lot actually happening. It's not painfully slow by any means, but it could have a bit more to pick it up.
1% in - should that be 'With practice'? The wording in the first paragraph is a bit awkward - you might want to change that. It takes you out of the story. What is tenebrous moon - that isnt a common term? But from 'Caradune would ...' is attention grabbing. Paragraph two could be rephrased to run more smoothly after grabbing the reader with the previous end of paragraph.4% in - try rewording line one, for instance delete 'the' and go on from light from the lanterns'. But play with it how till feels yours. Like the descriptive opening of the next paragraph - I could really see it. I think your tenses are confused at times. Or I am, perhaps.7% in - liking it alot. It flows and grabs the attention. The introduciton of Faraseth piques my curiosity.9% 'Never ending' doesnt flow with the preceeding statement..'Any reminiscent light' doesn't work. Loved the line 'He wondered ... new moon.' Thats so fresh and interesting.12% in - loved the first paragraph. You get a real sense of this guy reaching for something out of the ordinary. It's intriguing and draws the reader further in. The second paragraph is good too. The pace is picking up and the story has already drawn me in and in leading me on ...15% in - the descriptive piece about the lanterns is good. In fact the story is gripping, well done.17%- insert a qualification like 'split' or 'splintered' after 'spirit' to give the tentacles similie strength. One spirit is not tentacles. But a fresh way of describing things and I am impressed, especially as it absorbs the woods. However in the second paragraph, the line about him beoming full is too confusing. Describe that he is full of power or whatever. 25% - Wide from fear, wonder and newly stoles strenght, etc needs work.28% - if the light that bashed in the ceiling was from the guy - he would be showered in bits of hte ceiling and they wouldnt just be splinters. He may well be lying unconscious with all the rubble. Don't sacrifice logic for storytelling because this story is too good for that.31% - reword the opening paragraph to flow - concerning him reaching wih his mind into the dimensional hole - try being descriptive throught the effort or something. Then you dont need to tell us that isnt a physical action. Speaking of which, you give very good external descriptions of how his phyiscal self is feeling but what about internally? After all, his mind and spirit are doing all the work and facing the danger.35% this is consistenly riveting. Good chapter ending. 38% Maintaining good descriptive writing.40% - 'behoove'???54% Getting to know Therin, you are making him live.56% descriptions are beautiful, but pace is fading.62% the prospect of a water dragon has perked up the interest. I've never heard of one of those and I like the idea.64% the pace is picking up again. Rocks have sense?67% - the last sentence of the first paragraph is awkward. Watch your tenses again in the next paragraph.70% the sentence beginning the second paragraph 'Therein turned completed' doesnt make sense.Check the spelling of 'immerge' - should be emerge? Burglar seems like an odd term in a place of elves and the poetic descriptions you've previously had. Create your own term. The sentences from the last paragraph leading to the next page are awkward again.72% - I thought Therin's eyes were lavender? Or is this the companion to Ristallio - if so, you need to give the companion a bit more description. You missed out a word, it should read ' He had been spotted.'74% - spelling error - 'vile' but pace has picked up.83% - dont rely on spell check too heavily as it recognizes words but not that they don't fit into that sentence. 'likely hood' is one word.87% - end of paragraph one isn't finished. What happened? Did it rush past them or stop? Good use of humour with the bear being unhappy. 89% - great tension and its gone in a direction I didn't expect. Well done.91% - not sure about Rist finding the situation funny, but the humour when the bottle hit the bear was funny.93% - playing dead seems like a long shot and not something that would occur in the face of an attack.This doesnt make sense. Nor is there a sense of panic or real fear that you would expect.Not such a great chapter ending. This novel is really, really good; the story was intriguing, the descriptions innovative and poetic, but lost something towards the end. It felt rushed, as if you hadn't taken the same time with the end of Chapter Two as you had with the earlier chapter and beginning of chapter two. Overall, this is a very very good start. Keep at it.
Good, you get a distinctive difference between the three separate main characters and story threads. Saying that though,the Rist 'voice' is a little vague and needs attention to match the quality of the others. Do you really need this third thread? Only you can answer that.
Throughout the pacing was very good up until the introduction of Rist. Then it became a bit thin on the ground.
You should pick what details are important to you and then delete what you think is good to take out. I kept getting confused by the names of the Tarnen the forest and Solus? What had been Therins previous experience at Lake Spira? There are some minor spelling mistakes that with a re edit will be easy to fix.
You give a good sense of what is happening and how the characters are feeling. This is important. The tone between Rist and William is great.
The pace is good. You did very good with the sequence of events
Overall, this felt a little thin. While there's a lot of information available here, there's not a lot happening. We're getting a lot of data we really don't need instead of stuff happening.To start with, I think you're conflating scenes with chapters here. Each of your two chapters is a single scene and I think you'd be better served by sitting down and banging togetherr one starting chapter that introduces a lot more of the plot. At the moment, neither chapter feels hugely relevant and your first chapter definitely doesn't really grab the reader.Plot-wise, I've really no idea what's going on or what the stakes are yet. Some sense of what's happening is essential early on just so that we know why we should be reading. I'd consider trying to add in some grasp of what's going to happen or where things are going.Your first chapter definitely needs work. It's almost enitrely info-dump with practically nothing happening. All Therin does is wander around a forest, thinking about stuff the reader needs to know. It's not a very effective story-telling technique and it's almost entirely irrelevant to the overall story.In general, my central issue here is that we're not really being given many reasons to care about what's going on. There's no central conflict coming to the fore or interesting characterisation that's really sucking me into this.
In general, there's no real problem with your voice that I noticed. That said, it's solid, not spectacular. You're not really digging into the way things feel for your characters.What's particularly noticeable is that you have an unhealthy obsession with mechanics. You spend way too much of the prologue detailing the individual steps of the spell and not enough going into the experience of it.
In general, your pacing is way off. I've already mentioned your chapter size, but it's worth establishing just how off this is. Your prologue is 35% of this, chapter one is 37% and chapter two is only 28%! Your prologue is almost larger than both your chapters! This is very off.This can be fixed by expanding the length of your chapters, but you really need to add detail here. Try to write the first chapter so that it ends on a question that defines your story. It'll help suck the reader in to the world you're trying to build.
You’ve worked hard on this, and as we all do, put a lot of yourself into it. So what I have to say will not be easy to take. But bear in mind that nothing in this comments on your writing talent, potential, or even the story.Simply put: You’re a new writer and can’t yet tell the poison ivy from the wisteria ;–)As a result the story the reader gets isn’t what you intended.The prologue is a direct transcription of you speaking aloud, as you mentally watch a film of the story. What you’re doing is commenting on what you see, though, rather than giving the reader the picture. If you’ve ever watched the comment track of a film, that’s what you’re providing. So when you say, “Caradune, true to his nature, had gone over every step time and again.” It makes perfect sense. But look at what the reader doesn't know:1. Who are we? Where are we? What’s going on? How can anything have context without that? I’m not suggesting you list them, but to make your action provide the answers to that, not require advance knowledge of the answers.2. You speak of him being true to his nature but we don’t know what that nature is, or how the steps demonstrate it.3. You say he went over every step, but step of what? You’re talking about things that have meaning for you, but only you. A reader won’t be patient in hopes you’ll explain, so we can’t expect them to keep reading to find out. Readers are volunteers, not conscripts. Confuse or bore them with a single line on the first three pages and you’ve lost them.At the end of the first paragraph you say he would summon death. But that could mean Death as an incarnation of a physical being. It could mean he’s committing suicide. It could mean he plans to kill someone. There’s no way to tell.You’re focused on telling “pretty,” but you’re informing, not involving the reader. In fact, you use 886 words, and the reader is on the fourth manuscript page before you say, “And then it started.” Nothing up to that time was more than a general mention of what only you can see. When you say, “Caradune outlined a crude serpent within his most central circle,” that’s data. As a reader I’ve been given no picture. You said rotting walls, but walls of what? And how do walls rot? You talk about him imagining his triangle’s points stand for things, but not why he does, why you’re telling us that, or what it’s supposed to mean to us.Another 1228 words pass before chapter end, five more manuscript pages, but in the nine pages we’ve read, what’s happened? Someone we don’t know, in a time and place undefined, did something that let him take undefined energies, for undefined purposes, from unknown “everything.” He used that energy to do something undefined, for unknown purpose.You know what’s going on. He knows it. But the ones you wrote this for have no clue of what you’re talking about because they have no context—and you’ve given none. And when we finally reach the chapter’s end and he shouts, “It’s here,” we have no clue of what he’s talking about.Okay, I know this isn’t even remotely what you wanted to hear. But the problem is that it reads perfectly for you because every line points to images, situations and emotion living in your head. And those things play in your mind whenever you read. They’re what generated the words. But the words describe what you saw happen. The pictures created the words you speak, then record. But that doesn’t work the other way. When the reader opens to page one, every line points to images, situations and emotion living in YOUR head. And you’re not there to explain.I’m sorry I spent so much time on what boils down to a fairly simple problem, but I wanted to make sure you saw what I was getting at, and how it repeats endlessly because of the approach taken.Simply put: You’re using verbal storytelling techniques in a medium that cannot present either picture or sound. And because the writing skills you currently possess are the general skills we all learn, you have only the compositional skills needed to write reports, proposals, essays and letters, which is what the vast majority of adults require. We’re not given the compositional skills of the fiction writer. We spend no time in school discussing tag usage, scene-goals, or any of the other specialized knowledge of the fiction writer. And that’s what you need.Reports and verbal storytelling are both author-centric. We, the creator, stand alone, talking about the events of the story. They’re also fact-based, and dispassionate. Fiction, on the other hand, is character-centric and emotion based. Readers don’t want a calm rational storyteller say that someone felt rage, or confusion, or love. That’s a report. They want to feel those emotions because the character’s problems have become our problems.But for that to happen we need to know the character as a person. We need to know what they want and expect. We need to know their world as they see it.One of the most important expressions in human discourse is, “I see what you mean.” And that’s at the very heart of a reader’s expectations. We don’t to know what’s said and done. We want to understand why. We want to know what they mean, and what they hope to accomplish.In film, actors work very hard to convey emotion so well that the reader “gets it.” Little things like the way one actor looks at another give subtext and meaning. We’re made to like one character and hate another by the way they behave. Writing is no different. We know and find interesting the mind-state an actor conveys through expression, body language, tone, and a host of other things. In writing that’s missing, so instead, we show mind-state directly, buy viewing the character’s world through their senses rather than the storyteller’s. And that’s a learned skill.How you, , use the tools and techniques of the writer is what gives you a unique voice. But the tools are there for anyone to acquire, perfect and use. And that, in the end, is the point of this critique. You can learn the compositional techniques of fiction writing as easily as anyone else. And if I can learn them, anyone can.So begin with these three articles: http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phphttp://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.htmlhttp://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fictionThay’re a great introduction, the first one, especially. Chew it over till it makes sense. Then see if your favorite modern novels make use of the technique mentioned. If you find they do, pick up a copy of Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict (http://www.gryphonbooksforwriters.com/home/gmc.htm). It’s a great introduction to professional fiction technique and an easy, warm read.Hang in there, and keep on writing.Jay Greensteinhttp://www.jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/about
The voice is that of the narrator. You have a good way with words and your descriptions use evocative wording. But there's nothing of the character's personality and mannerisms in it, so the emotion is missing and it reads too much like you're giving a report or history.
Very slow. You're spending pages on minor details. You could, literally, toss everything before "And then it started," and nothing meaningful would be lost.
First. Yes, I looked at chapter two, and here’s the problem: Assume you’re walking a new hiking trail, As you walk you find that the trail is littered with potholes and ankle-turning rocks. And from the bushes you think you hear what sounds like the hissing of snakes. Given that, who has time to admire the beautiful view? The problem isn’t the story or your use of language. It’s presentation. Look at how you and I live our lives. From waking to sleeping our life is an unending chain of cause and effect. Something attracts and our attention. Our senses are aware of a multiplicity of things, but only one has our attention at a given moment. When we notice it we react instinctively. That’s a life-saving built-in feature. If instant action is necessary, ducking for example, we do it without thought. But we might also react with a look of astonishment, a grunt of surprise, or a scream of fright. Assuming that isn’t necessary we categorize the stimulus, be it a bird on the wing, the scent of cooking, or any combination of sensory inputs. If it’s worth paying attention to we decide on its relationship to us and its importance. All of the above may take a millisecond or we may blink in thought for a minute. But it always happens. Then we decide what we want to do about it and what we need to do about it. And finally, we act. And in acting, we sow the seeds of what next holds our attention. The doorbell rings. We ask ourselves who it might be and decide to answer or ignore—or perhaps run like hell. Assuming we decide to answer, what will next hold our attention is what’s on the other side of the door. And then we react to that. Conversation is a string of action/reaction, motivation and response. The point of all this is simple: If we live that way can your character live any other way and still seem real? Look at the prose and ask yourself, for each action, if we, the reader, know what motivated him to do that. If we do we’re in his point of view. Even if we disagree on doing it we’ll understand his need to do it. But if you simply report what he does, it’s a chronicle of events that may or may not have context. So the problem is that the same person, using the same approach, wrote the prologue and chapter one, so while the action is different the presentation style is the same. Everything you write will conform to that approach because it’s how you, and everyone else tells a story. It’s just not the way we live. With that in mind, look at the opening. We don’t know him and what motivates him. So when you tell the reader what he does it’s data, and it has no context attached. You’re working to make the telling interesting, and the language evocative, and that’s good—better then most, in fact—but the reader is interested in the emotional end. Which would be more likely to draw you in, “Jessie went on stage today,” or “Jessie wept on stage today? And which has the power to make you ask questions, “My book is blue,” or “My book makes me blue?” See what I mean? It’s the emotional content that entices. • This is one of those situations where I wish I were sitting across the table from you so that I could bounce questions off of you. That’s why I suggested Deb Dixon’s book. She does a much better job than I could, and she’ll answer the questions you don’t yet know to ask. A small sample: What’s wrong with the following? “Jack suppressed a whistle when Jane came through the doorway. When she saw him she winked, and that was warming. She was even more beautiful than he remembered.” Most people would say nothing, as I would have till I read that book. The answer is that because you mention the smile before the thing that caused it you’ve placed cause before effect. In life that can’t happen, so told that way we’re not, and can’t be, in Jack’s POV. Instead, the storyteller is informing us. Look at the difference when we state it as, “Jane came through the doorway, more beautiful than he remembered. She caught his eye and winked, and that was warming.” The change is small, but now time it flows as he perceives it. Cause and effect. She enters the room and he reacts. She notices him and she reacts. And how she reacts causes him to react etc. The chain of his life matches the chain of our own. Hope this helps
Jay,I saw some of your other reviews and chose to read Posse with the hope that you would critique mine as well. The reason being is that I knew you would not only offer me something constructive but put effort into offering me feedback which would be direct and honest. You've not disappointed me.This is one of those situations where I wish I were sitting across the table from you so that I could bounce questions off of you. Unfortunatly, I only have this. So, with that in mind I have one question which you may (hopefully) offer some additional insight into. In reference to the prologue - the concept here is that this event is the catalyst upon which the whole story is based. If this doesn't occur, neither does anything else. However (and this is where it gets tricky) I don't want the readers to get ahead on the main characters. I need the reader to understand that something has occured, but I don't want them to know exactly what it is until my main group of protagonists know. In your opinion, how would someone accomplish this. You mention that Caradune summoning death was vague, but I'm not certain that I know of a better way to really express it without doing what I've stated above. Any additional thoughts?Finally I was curious if you read ch 2. This moves much faster and I wanted to know if you thought this was more in line with some of what you were saying in you feedback. (You don't have to read the first chapter to understand the second as it is introducing a new set of characters.)
It was interesting. Your very descriptive. I loved the first chapter. I swear I could see Therin in the tree, staring at the lake.
It has a spooky feel to it. I'm curious about what's going to happen next.
Good pacing IMO. The jumping back and forth is a little confusing.
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