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Lara, a girl who is isolated and in pain with the loss of her best friend and into this comes a mysterious goth, Zoe, who befriends her and frightens her at the same time. Zoe is there to protect Lara, who is a Catalyst Soul; someone born to push society forward. The flipside is she can also unleash the evil within people. This is Zoe's first mission on Earth and becomes distracted by the rush of human emotions and fails to keep Lara safe. The enemy - led by the handsome Alex - kidnaps Lara and trys to 'turn her' into a slave of the darker forces. The Angels of Dark are locked in a battle that is ancient and has been at an impasse for too long. That is all about to change once Lara is on their side. But all doesn't go according to Alex's plan ... an unwanted mental bond is formed between them and the link is unbreakable, no matter how hard they try to free themselves of it. Lara and Alex are now hunted by people with unearthly power who are ruthless and relentess - on both sides.
This is the first novel in a series of contemporary fantasy fiction. It is aimed at the teenage and upwards genre.
"Swallowing past the dry lump in my throat"--I like that. Brings it home for me. "shredded my soul" ooh, nice! "His gaze was like a laser beam boring into me and I felt the exact moment he looked away." Like it. "None of this helped the dull ache pulsing behind my eyes." Excellent description. "Panic clawed its way up my throat, nearly choking me." Apt. "Trapped in the middle was A man," maybe? easy typo. "A halo of glossy blue-black curls crowned his head." Nice. "They trapped mine and held them." Ooh. "had red cenres that smouldered like burning coals---their dark power pulling me down towards them and I was falling, falling toward those shocking eyes." Ah--so rich and vivid. So easy to feel. Sucks me right in. Fantastic. "Swallowed heat which SCALDED my throat and lungs," perhaps? Typo? No biggie. I love this whole description of the nightmare--so intense and full of imagery. "We WERE opposites," I think. And I'm not sure about the semi-colons in this sentence. Maybe it should be "We were opposites: she was so pretty, slim, fair-skinned, with glorious, long wheat coloured hair." (?) I know you want more of a separation between "pretty" and "slim," but I'm not sure of the best way to work that. "I like the description of her eyes: "the colour of coffee beans with flecks of gold." "both grinning; arms flung around each other..." (Add a semi-colon there?) Good use of humor in the descriptions of the bullies Karen, Sue, and Claire. Made me chuckle. I could totally picture them! "formed a loose semi-circle around me, forcing me..." (need a comma there?) I like the use of other sense descriptions here: "my pack digging painfully into my back." "With my stomach twisting like a pretzel..." LIke it. "It was taking time for the words to make sense THROUGH the haze of fear and the constant churning of my stomach." I didn't even notice this one until I was typing it here--my intent was actually to draw attention to the beauty of this sentence, not the omission of the "r" in "through." Sorry! Add a question mark at the end of Karen's query? "Can't you see we're having a private conversation?" Omit the comma after "purple hair" Semi-colon in "making me shiver; unease stirred..." (?) Maybe "Claire and Sue RECOILED from her." Semi-colon in "barely grazing her; the next second.." Since she's repeating it, maybe add inner quotation marks: "'Miss?' Where were you" Um, maybe separate the "which seemed to glow" with commas: "snapped open her green eyes, which seemed to glow, and then..." Noun/pronoun disagreement--"individual/they" But it's common enough anymore that it probably doesn't matter. And you make up for it with Zoe's response: "I won't know until I get close to her. Or him..." Nice alliteration: "loneliness lanced". That's not a verb I hear/read often, so I like it. "However," Add a comma here? "However, Claire lingered, eying the new girl..." Again, wonderful, refreshing description of the bullies at the school: "she has the personality of A chewing gum wrapper and about as much depth." Love it. "Louisa, our general factotum," Add a comma after "factotum" to fully separate that side clarification. Keep the same tense: make it "I SEEMED to feel both." THANK you for your correct pairing of "neither/nor". Ah--so refreshing to find that correct! So many people these days don't do that right! Bugs me! In general, I don't think it's quite there yet. It's good--don't get me wrong! That's just my overall impression. BUT--I'm interested, and that's an accomplishment. I will be thinking about this over the next few days--it's stuck in my consciousness. I'm curious about what will happen next; about WHAT the "Bad People" are, exactly. About who Zoe and this boy are. So, I'd say that equals success in your writing.
Was a little confusing when the POV changed, but I caught up quickly. Definitely sounds like a teenage girl when from Lara's point of view. The changes in POV serve to make me even more curious about this boy: who is he? who are "They?" Quite intriguing, actually. I like it.
Nice. Not too slow, not too fast. No need for improvement here, in my opinion.
Ready? Take a deep breathThe situation you present is good. But you’re explaining, not making the reader experience the action. Your character finds him/herself in a strange place and has no knowledge of how he or she got there. How does he or she feel? Is it hot or cold? Is the surface stone or wood? You call it a cave but present nothing that would make the reader either agree or disagree, and the character can’t see detail. So is it a cave, from the character’s perspective? Or is it simply a space of unknown size? There’s no way to tell, because you’re focused on events and situation. And you’re telling me about that aspect in the form of a report, author-centric and fact based. What you’re not doing, and should, is making the reader know the situation as the character does. And because you’re not, you’re leaving out the human angle, which is what the reader comes for.You say, for example, that the character thinks that in the distance there might be light. In that situation, wouldn’t you look in other directions to see if perhaps there’s someone behind them, or more light in that direction? Before you get up wouldn’t you explore the surface you’re on? Wouldn’t you call out in hopes of getting an answer? Wouldn’t you listen and analyze, look at and away from the light to be certain it’s real? Wouldn’t you classify the surface? If it’s rough the character would probably walk slowly and carefully, so as not to stumble. If it’s smooth they would find that odd and think about it and speculate on where they are. And certainly, they would have a feeling for the scale of the place.But because you’re approaching this externally, from the storyteller’s viewpoint, you focus on the sequence of events and the all-over setting. But that’s a chronicle.Basically, you’re doing exactly what we all do when we begin to write. You’re using the verbal storytelling tricks we use every time someone asks us, “So how was your day?” Why? Because it’s all we know. In our schooling we learn the nonfiction techniques most adults use at home and on the job. And as a result our writing reads like a report—the style of writing we have the most training for.You have a story, and the desire to tell it. Now, you need the compositional techniques that will help you move it—as you envision it—into the reader’s head.Rather then reporting the events you want to place the reader on the scene as a participant, making the same decisions your character does. And to do that we need to make the reader know the situation as the character does, not as the storyteller does. It’s a character-centric approach, and it’s emotion-based, as against the author-centric and fact-based approach you’re currently using.- - - - - -This wasn’t, I know, what you were hoping to hear. And certainly, it’s not easy to take. For that I’m sorry. But you have a story worth telling, so why not take the step of acquiring the professional writing techniques of the fiction writer? Isn’t it something you owe to the story, and yourself?Like any profession, there are specialized techniques and tricks of the trade that we would never think of by ourselves—or even know are missing from our tool box. As Mark Twain, observed, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”So, my prescription:Take a look at this article: http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phpIt outlines one way of presenting the story through the character’s perceptions and in real-time, rather than from your own viewpoint as an external “explainer.”Chew on it a bit to see if it makes sense, and if you can see it in operation in the modern novels you favor. If it does, go further, and look at, http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.html which will give you a bit of background on scene building and how a scene works to build tension and guide the reader toward the story’s climax. And if the techniques outlined seem useful to own, take the further step of acquiring Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict (http://www.gryphonbooksforwriters.com/home/gmc.htm) which will give you a really good basic understanding of the nuts-and-bolts of story and scene construction techniques, the heart of fiction writing.Hang in there, and keep on writing.Jay Greensteinjaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/
The voice is that of the author, speaking of the situation in the mode of a reporter. And because it's primarily fact-based it's inherently dispassionate, without the turn of phrase and character insights that would make it memorable. Often, you speak of things the character knows about, like Maria, that have no touchstone for the reader. You mention, for example, that tears filled the protagonst's eyes at the thought of Maria., but since the reader doesn't know who she is, why she's gone, or why that brings that sadness, it's data without context.
Because of the approach taken it's difficult to judge, but it seems slow. A great deal of wording went to describing the dream, the aftermath, and going back to sleep, a time in which nothing meaningful to a reader happened. Because you know what's coming, and have context, it works. But for a reader, someone who's gender we don't know, had a bad dream, woke up, had a pile of toast for breakfast, and left for school—and that took many pages to happen.It is worthy of note, however that opening with a dream is, in most cases, the kiss of death, because it is, in effect, a cheat. You draw the reader in, then, in effect shout "April Fools." Not only did you mislead the reader, the sequence didn't set the scene, develop character, or move the plot, from the reader's point of view.
This is a very interesting story and I found myself wishing you'd posted more if just for my personal enjoyment ;) I had ever intention of chastising you on writting a story about yet another "angst-riddled, emotional teenage girl who has nobody she can relate to". But I can't. There is something very unique about your character and I find myself really being able to connect with her. In fact, she draws me in, hooking me with her strange connection to the "bad people" among other things. I also feel (and this is going to be hard to explain so please bare with me) that you've made her distinctive in that she's not yet defined herself. So often these stories start with girl's who have extremely bold (Katniss) or regretably flat (ahem...Bella) personalities which I feel is completely unrealistic. Being a teen means a lot of uncertainty as you try to figure yourself out and attempt to decide how you fit in the world. I have no idea what "nitch" she falls into - brash/sarcastic, doormat, super good, strong, weak or questionable - But that's perfect because, at her age, she shouldn't either. I see a lot of room for growth and huge potential for character development. By the end of the first chapter my head was spinning with all of the directions you could take her in. There are a lot of mini-events (for lack of a better term): the nightmare, her interaction with her mom, the guy on the bus, the information about her friend, the confrontation with Karen's gang and the intro of Zoe. And that's just in the first chapter. I like this in that in aids you in maintaining a brisk pace and keeps it very exciting. But I had to stop on occasion and go back to re-read certain sections. Its not that it was confusing, exactly, but I repeatidly found that I needed clarity as to why certain things were happening or why the dialogue went in the direction it did. This could very well be me and not your story, but I would watch what other's might have to say about it just in case. Your story, as is, works. Its very entertaining and if more was provided I would have happily read it. I know what's going on, at least what I'm supposed to at this point, and can appreciate the action without elaboration. But I enjoy good descriptive text and found myself wondering a little more about the surroundings in general. You describe the characters, but not so much where they are and what I've found is that, when executed correctly, description can greatly help to set the tone of a story. Like I said before, it may not be needed and maybe others feel differently, but my opinion is that a little more might go a long way in establishing the overall feel of your MC's surroundings.
Great job here! I mentioned briefly before how you've left your MC open for a lot of character development. Her voice isn't strong, but I get that it isn't supposed to be...yet. (I have a feeling that she going to become more forceful before all is said and done with). I understand her inner struggles, I can literally feel her attempts to reconcile the lose of her friend and how that has affected her. I feel what she does and can already anticipate her reactions. Her response to her mother, the stranger on the bus, the girls who accost her and Zoe are clear and fitting based on what I know of her. This is a fun read!
Overall I appreciated the general pace. Its fast which I always enjoy but, as I stated under "overall feedback", I found that there were times when I had to go back through paragraphs or even whole pages because the pace forced the story forward where more information may have been needed. I have the opposite problem and tend to go overboard with description which tends to drag the story down so all in all your aproach is preferable and probably just adding a little extra explination or imagery here and there would go a long way. I've shared this story with a BC friend of mine which is something I've not done before if that gives you an idea of how much I enjoyed it.Keep up the super job and hopfully I will get to see more of your work in the future!
I thought it was very good overall. I would keep reading if given the opportunity.I love the reactions throughout, seeing Lara's thoughts, feeling her panic. This works very well. I would suggest, before we actually meet Lara, to watch out for too many "myselfs." This word was a little too common in the dream.After I got through your introduction, I'm not sure if it's necessary. You have the exciting dream sequence, but that's a little cliche, as is starting her waking up in the morning. During that time, I have no clue who Lara is, or what's happening, or anything. If it were me, I would start the story with her looking up at her friends house and talking about The Bad People. That's where I feel like the book starts, after the dream and after the talk with her mom. I was more hooked with the mystery of the Bad People than the dream. I actually did something similar with my book (shameless plug: Finley, on Book Country, if you would like to ready and review), and I ended up cutting the first 10k words or so since it was too much getting up in the morning. I think it'd make it stronger. If there's information we need from the dream, have flashes to it throughout. Just my two bits, make of it what you will.Another small suggestion: using specific references to popular music tends to date the story quicker. I think Linkin Park and Usher would fall into that category. It works right now, but just thinking of future reads.
The voice is good. It works. You capture Lara's thoughts well, and I can definitely see out of her eyes once it gets to her being awake. Well written and easy to read.I also like the Fn, but I think it'd be "F'n" or even "effin.'" Fn makes me think "Function Key."
Seems to be fine so far. It was a little jumpy on Wednesday when she goes to town for only like a paragraph or two, but other than that it seems to be good
First thing I notice is that the novel's title doesn't grasp me. I appreciate angels, and I enjoy reading about them, but the title is so ambiguous that I wouldn't pick this book up based on it alone."gained a measure of self control" feels weird to me. Maybe gained *any* measure.I don't like italics in writing for other uses than for important sayings or things that need it. Your writing should have natural emphasis already on the words you need. I believe you already do this.I'm 10% in now and the italics are too excessive. They distract me a serious amount.14%, "Oh god, the pain." Really? From the writing I've seen so far you can do way better than that. Show me how much she's hurting. How does it feel to be burned alive? There should be a comma after Abruptly. When she wakes up, I can tell she's a bit freaked out, but after an episode like that I'd be terrified. I didn't really connect with how scared she must feel.I like the fragment at the end of the first paragraph 19% in. I don't need to know it was a nightmare though, I can figure that out by myself. Show, don't tell. Don't tell me that her ipod is her shield, hint it. Let me have the pleasure of finding something out. Have her caress it in her pocket, maybe let her give it a name to show how important it is. Part of writing is letting the reader have the pleasure of being clever.At percent 32% is the only time I condone italics. Thoughts you say to yourself are fine, but it seems almost every page has some word italicized.That bit about The Crazies was really nice, it threw me for a loop! Immediately I wanted to know who they were.50% needs italicizing for the thoughts, be consistent with your writing.If you're going to curse, curse. Fn just looks weird.The episode with the crazy confused me, are they just crazy in general? I assumed capitalizing meant they were a special kind of crazy.Negatives sounds awkward. Polar opposites?You're telling. People do too many of the "Oh, she'll look in a mirror or see a picture and randomly describe herself." Be more creative, I know you can be.Love the ending.
Your voice at the moment makes it hard for me to sympathize with Lara. The thing is, it seems like she does this everyday, and I feel as if she should be stronger instead of breaking down in tears almost every day. Perhaps be more subtle?The stylistic things otherwise, I enjoy. Beautiful descriptions, and you made me chuckle a few times.
Pacing was good. There's a little break in the action, but I understand the importance of setting the scene and whatnot.
Awsome. I got sucked in with just one page. I hope you will post more here.
It's go a spooky feel to it. It makes you want to keep reading
Great past. Not so fast that you lose the reader, but not so slow that they fall asleep.
1) This is probably the most important rule: There is no great god of writing. This is how my instructor put it. There is truly no wrong and no right with creativity, so try not to pass judgment, only relay your feelings.
In other words, less "Your character is too flat; try spicing her up some," and, "You're using waaaaay too many semicolons."
Instead, try to tell the writer your reaction to what you read. "You had me on pins and needles when she was opening the door!" "I was confused about who owed who money." "I was rather bored for most of the beginning." "I didn't get any of the jargon." "I feel like I am in love with your heroine."
These are more constructive because it's telling the writer about the impact their writing has. If you missed the point, then she has some work to do, but your opinion of what you perceived to be the point is irrelevant (and, more so, your tips on better achieving said perceived point). So just make sure you're not being the great god of writing, please :). And don't use emoticons.
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