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When Vivian Maylor inherits the position of Gatekeeper, she is thrust into the world Between, that dangerous space between dreaming and waking where dreams become real. In order to complete the task of closing the doors that have been opened between Dreamworld and Wakeworld, she must find a way to slay a dragon and destroy a powerful sorceress bent on the destruction of reality.
(No author's note)
Very enjoyable. I loved the opening bit, and then being jolted into the hospital scene was cool.I think you concentrate a little too much space for technical/medical jargon that doesn't mean anything to the regular reader. (They can get away on TV because it takes a minute to shoo a scene, but it takes five to ten times more time to read one). It can become distracting at best and annoying in less favorable circumstances...I also like the way you end your chapter. Suspense is good. And that last sentence is a KILLER.Oh again I also love the description of the kid's combustion. I felt like I was there.
Good. The only thing that bothered me is the technicality of some of the passages. Otherwise I like Vivian as a character.
Thus far we haven't seen much but the hospital, so it's hard to judge the setting. But I think what was available was well detailed and alluring.
Once we move past the Chapter One/Prologue, the pacing peps right up. I honestly feel this would benefit by opening directly with Vivian in Chapter Two. The concept of Dreamworld and Wakeworld have really piqued my interest, and Vivian's state of duality, standing between worlds, is well-handled thus far. A modest amount of housekeeping with the secondary characters will also benefit the piece... some trite actions such as the Deputy's mock salute and Roxie's dialogue could be revisited. Overall... it hooked me!
A very immediate and deep POV within the main character, often bordering on stream of consciousness. I feel this will prove vital in maintaining Vivian's dual-sensory conceit. Secondary character dialogue is weaker... Roxie comes across a touch forced and Deputy Flynne hasn't had enough time to develop a voice.
Adequately rendered. The ER was concrete without extensive description. The most enticing setting description was the Between Corridor... I'll be interested to see how grounded the Dreamworld setting will end up.
Short, but sweet. Actually I find it engaging.In short good
Clever and firm. It carries the story line well
Very good. Obvious placement and setting and maintains consistency
Excellent: tense and well paced but easy to read. Spooky premise well delivered on with the minimum of mucking around.
I got a good sense of the main character through the voice of the story and I got a good feel for what the book had to come, at least in terms of tone.
Interesting. I want to learn more about the world Vivian inhabits but there wasn't too much given away at the start. I do wonder if Wakeworld needs a new name, but that is only a small thing and I'm not sure what it could be replaced with.
These two chapters both caught my attention, the second one more than the first. I'm not sure the balance of detail versus ambiguity is quite right; on the one hand, it's a good thing that you piqued my curiosity as fiercely as you did, making me want to read on and learn more, but on the other hand, I felt a bit toyed with in the second chapter, where I think you did a little too much teasing and not quite enough explaining. Mind you, it's too early for full explanations -- I just wanted a hint or two more.
I found the writing capable but a bit underplayed, especially in the first chapter. Your prose hangs together well, but could use maybe 5% or 10% more visual description and explanation of motives.
The hospital felt convincing to me, although it did not live and breathe in the way that the best settings do. I think you go to the staff lounge too quickly, instead of building our sensory understanding of the ER and waiting room. I think if you gave us several paragraphs of Vivian wandering about the place, with her sensory observations and some of her thoughts, it would go a long way toward establishing the mood and location better.Chapter one is much too formless and ambiguous for my tastes. The only thing I know about the scene is that there's a porch. I don't mind that our viewpoint character here is unnamed; that's sort of a nice mystery. But I think his plight becomes more real and intense for us if he looks around at the room and its furnishings and gives us some sense of where he is and what the location means to him.
Wow, I have to admit I was quite impressed with this. Your writing is wonderful, and you sucked me into the story completely.I will say going from chapter 1 to 2 threw me a bit and, after reading chapter 2, I had to go back to 1 to see how it fit in. Might be better worked in later somehow.Other than little edits here and there, I can't really find much to critique. I'd definitely read more.I know I've only done a few reviews since I've been on here under this pen name, but I did a lot more when I was under my real name, and I don't think I've ever given 5 stars across the board before. Well done.
You're voice is perfect. Everything flows well and nothing seems stiff. You have a way of making it all feel perfectly normal, seemless, like you were just sitting here telling a story.
I honestly pictured the scene when you set it up, but when the action started, I think my imagination took over when you needed to keep the story flowing rather than interject too many things about the setting. It might have bogged it down if you'd put in any more.
I'm a total sucker for these real-world, fantasy-world crossovers. This is excellent--great hook on page one, and keeps me reading. It was over before I knew it, and left me dying to know what happens next. Really strong work, I actually have no useful critiques, and I'm usually pretty judgmental! Thanks for the great read, Kerry!
Love it, strong and assertive, the portions in the hospital read with the clarity of life experience. Excellent peppering of detail--you clearly know exactly how to say what you want to say. I get a feel right away for the characters and the setting: excellent. Realy Excellent.
Just a little more detail and description to help me orient myself with what the characters and scenery look like would be great. It doesn't have to be anything too elaborate, because you've got an excellent flow going from page 1. Just a few more touches (I liked "Max, all 300 tattooed pounds of him") but I'd like a similar description of Vivian upfront just to help me visualize her.
I agree with one of your other reviewers, that first chapter probably wasn't needed. I get that you went with a more prologuish approach to set up where the story would be heading in the long run. But it feels really tacked on when compared to the second chapter. I still have to say is that you have a wonderful grasp of hospital procedure and protocol. Couple that with a descriptive voice that is neither too sparse nor too overwhelming and you succeed in fashioning a quick-paced narrative that truly doesn't bore. However, your narrative can also feel a bit...disjointed in some places. I sort of understand the approach you have taken, as I believe I have a similar writing style only much more descriptive and slow-paced. But I still can't quite shake the feeling that your overall narrative is lacking something. I could just be used to a more detailed-oriented descriptive voice but either way, I won't sit here and suggest you changing your writing style or anything. That's not my place. But I do think that you might want to read over it again, just to make sure you've written it how you want. Other than that, you did a great job. I found no grammar or spelling errors. I look forward to seeing where you take this very interesting story.
What I learned about Vivian Maylor: she's dedicated to saving the lives of people she doesn't know, she has deep care and worry for the health and condition of her mother, despite incursion by 'Dreamworld' she tries to maintain a logical approach to solving her problems, that when she's nervous about keeping 'Dreamworld at bay she fingers her dreamcatcher necklace and, lastly, that she is aware of her abilities. However, we still don't know that much about her; her background, family, home life, relationship status, etc. Though, with this only being two chapters so far, I'm sure we'll definitely begin to learn more about who Vivian really is.
By mentioning Spokane, I know that Krebston is in Washington state...unless there's another Spokane in some other state. As I mentioned earlier, you excelled at describing the hospital scenery. I got a good grasp of it's sterile and clean nature as well as all that occurs within. We also get a faint hint of some of Krebston's more unique landmarks with your brief description of the Finger. That adds a little more mystery to an already mystery-rich setting. I can't wait to see where you take us next.
Interesting beginning here. But I'm not sure you need chapter One. The story seems start in Chapter two. Lots of stuff going on but easy to follow. The hint of the dragon is intriguing. Really want to find out what happened to the kid. Nice job.
I like the voice in chapter two. It stays consistant and feels natural. The dialogue is natural, not stilted or choppy.
The setting is kind of hard to rate. We don't see much of anything besides the hospital and it's not described in any great detail.
Fabulous! I hope there is more to this story! I am already intrigued and this one chapter isn't nearly enough!
The technical jargon may throw of a younger crowd, but that would be my one and only ctricism if you want to call it that. I just depeds on the age range of the readers you are trying to reach.
Perfectly explained and described. I hope you get to finish this as I cannot wait to hear you describe the dragons!!
I was drawn in from the start, I liked the tone and the way it unfolded. The only thing I would say is that on page 2 (I think) you set out two dramatic short sentences which really work. But I think it would benefit from deleting 'When it came' as that took away some of the tension creataed. And the workd 'naught' - was a bit awkward. However, I liked the characters and how quickly the story begins to unfold and the hint of the two worlds colliding. And the sorceress situation ... I am so going to follow this.
I'm not sure about defining voices but I will give it a go. I felt I could identify with the narrating character, Vivian. I like the way she told the story and her fears. And the character and situation with the old guy was a real teaser - I want to know more.
I wasnt sure about the prologue setting but Vivian's setting seemed realisitic enough - not that I've spent much time in ER. The hints of the small town were well done and the beach with the 'finger' were great and very atmospheric.
This is really excellent. Consider yourself followed! I'm looking forward to reading the rest when it's published.
I like the clinical tone in a fantastic setting--makes for a great balance between the doctor's logical world and the dreamworld events.
I like to see adults with lives and professions in stories. It's easier to empathize with than a "high school student is swept up in adventure with no consequence other than missing football practice" kind of scenario. It also offers us a great view of why the character processes things the way she does.
It has potential, but the whole premise seems to be a little bit too formulaic. Hopefully I'm wrong, but unless there are some VERY disturbing changes/surprises down the road, I think I would have a hard time choosing this book over other ones that, although I cannot say they're better, they do offer pretty much the same premise with different facts.I will hold my judgement until I read the rest, but so far I'm still wanting for more substance.
Isn't this too casual? I want to read something that makes me think, or that, with its voice, it tells me that it is important for me to read. Just descriptions of a story don't make a story. even for books aimed at teenagers I always hope that the tone is not juvenile. You would highly improve your work if you develop a voice that command importance to the work.
Here you have potential. But so far it is unclear if you will develop that potential. Is this an "urban fantasy" or a "full-blown fantasy" set in its own universe? Right now I feel I'm at a crossroads without knowing where the story will go. That's not a bad thing this early in the story, as long as it clears up soon.
As a rule, I'm not a fan of prologues. They rarely add anything useful to the story, and usually they get used when the author wants action and worries that their intro is to weak to hold an agent/publisher/reader's attention. Unfortunately, agents/publishers (and probably readers) are on to us. I think you could ditch the prologue and go right in to your first chapter. Vivian calling about her mother, worried and knowledgeable about the ploys patients use to avoid doing what they're supposed to, is _far_ more interesting. It gives us some early, strong insights into her as a character. I'm not a medical person myself, so your medical stuff seems very accurate to me. I figure you know that you need to fact-check with one (if you aren't one yourself) to make sure your procedures are accurate. People get so nit-picky about that kind of thing :D I get the same way about archaeology, but nobody else cares about bad archaeology in books.
I like the intro we get to Vivian. There's a lot that's packed in to that one phone call. The transition to the first dream thing could be made a bit more clear. Don't know how, exactly, but it was jarring. The conversation with Arden, the code, the conversation with the cop, all read very real to me. The ending of the chapter does not work quite as well. The exposition about the Finger is a little too jarring, as is the last line about prowling dragons. I'd be more interested to somehow get a bit of Vivian's perspective. Clearly, she knows what is up, and it's something that she fights with rationality, but... it seems to me that a truly rational person would confront and incorporate what is clearly commonplace and factual for them into their understanding of the world - not just ignore it. Maybe it is dangerous for her to do that in the moment, but I'd like at least a little hint of her analysis after the fact.
We haven't seen much of the setting to be able to comment on it, but you portray the hospital setting with verisimilitude to a non-medical eye.
Very entertaining! I can see myself reading this story in full and expect the dragons and magic to appear fully half-way through the story.I also expect to see those Dreamworld and Wakeworld (capitalized) explained in the next chapters. Right now I'm not sure if she just treats them as a figure of speech or a full reality (realms). Truth is I don't expect to know everything in one chapter, and it is a good thing you don't spill the beans just yet (but that capitalization gotta mean something, right?).This is something that can end up as a very entertaining piece, but it has the potential to become a vehicle to express your philosophical views on reality, if you choose to do that.
Details! I like that. The noise her shoes make, the place where the donuts come from. I would just prefer a little more "urgency" to contrast the parts before and after the medical emergency, talking about Tony's social life and ethnic background during this scene is a little off.I would just offer that the selection of the voice seems to me appropriate for what I imagine the final product is or will be: a fantasy. Maybe you could play and adjust the tone a little bit accordingly to the grimness of the situation, but that, I believe, is a matter of choice.
So far, I'm not sure if the world this story takes place is "our" world, or an alternate version of it. It all depends on how "common" things like magic and dragons are to the characters (I don't see anybody freaking out, so I tend to believe it is pretty common).I hope the setting then expands to let us know more about this world; or, if this is supposed to be "our" world, changing into something magical by way of these other worlds collapsing, then I think you have to take it more slowly so we, as the audience, can catch up with the strangeness of it all.Either way, I like the options, just make sure you pick one.
I read this straight through without stopping. I found the second chapter gripping. I was a little confused on the first chapter but intrigued enough to continue reading and find out more.
I thought voice was consistent and clear. I'm still a little confused about the first voice, chapter one, but I assume I it will become more clear later on.
In the first chapter, there were confusing details which left me wondering what century he was in, but the .38 cleared that up. The second chapter was fully visible in my mind. I could see all the details, including the beach scene.
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