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Ai leaves her Mom on a two day adventure full of fun, danger and learning important lessons. The story moves quickly. Key themes are: independence, being strong of mind and heart, how to handle loss, the importance of study, what's a good boy, true strength, how to choose friends, and above all, don't ever give up. Ai leaves home in search of a treasure. She meets new friends, a dangerous villain, and eventually returns home to one mad mom! In our literature girls are rarely hero's. I wrote this story around themes I would like my daughters to embrace as they enter their teenage years. The parents of the "Tiger Mom" generation will also enjoy this book. Subtly, its about the mother daughter relationship, and should "she" be challenged or sheltered.
I worked on the story for a year. Its a labor of love. If you can help me improve it I would be grateful.
Thanks for sharing this book, Craig. MARKETING STUFFThis book caught my eye because of the name "Ai" and the mention of Japan, so I think your title and two-liner is working for you. Your longer description of what the book is about didn't help me understand or decide to read it, mostly because I don't want to know as much about the hidden themes as the story. I was also confused because your subtitle says "for Dads and Daughters" but this is clearly a mother-daughter story. Typo perhaps? I think the idea is to write the long description as you would back cover copy--and if you want to advertise this to young girls, you should write the copy in a way that would get them excited.Small but important question: how old is the girl? I can't find her age, maybe missed it, but I'm wondering how old she'd need to be for readers to believe in her journey up the mountain.
I think we can get to the more specific dream--which is the hook--much sooner. I'd like to see it happen on the first or second page? Is it possible to simply move that dream up to the opening?The journey up the mountain feels like a bit too much telling for me. The jumping around from animal to animal with the Japanese names might be confusing for young readers. Any way you can take it more step by step here? One action at a time?
Have you ever been to Hokkaido? I have, and I'm missing some of that instant sense of place--the snow, the cranes, maybe even the old-fashioned steam engine that runs through the country. I'm also not sure if Sapporo is the right city, since she is in rural Japan. These are all minor and technical pieces to work out. You have plenty of room here to put a sentence here and there that evokes the landscape of northern Japan.A cultural note: in my host family with three young children, I don't ever recall them bowing to their parents. Not sure if you have an experience of them doing so?POINT OF VIEWI was confused when point of view jumped from mother to daughter. Is there a reason you can't just stick with Ai's point of view, especially if she is the main character?
This is a sweet story, and I'm sure your daughters enjoy it. I do have some comments I think would make it better, but in the end it's clearly up to what you think is right for you kids.Waking up may seem like a perfect beginning, but it has been done a lot. In my own book FInley (shameless plug - please read), I cut out the first nearly 10k words because I realized it was too much waking up in the morning and getting ready. I think it made it a stronger book. I think you could do something similar - just cut the first chapter, have Ai in the forest, maybe flashing back to her morning if you think it is necessary. Then we can find out about her mom and sister as the story unfolds.I feel like the Mother-Daughter relationship is important in the first and last chapters, but throughout it's a little missed. Maybe that's the way it has to be since it's supposed to be her growing up, but you could probably sprinkle in a little more if you choose and make the mom's influence on the daughter a little more concrete.You have one line about it being the first decision she would make as a young woman (chapter 2). This is obviously the theme of the book, but I think it would be stronger if it wasn't spelled out. Let's see her maturing instead of telling us.The point of view isn't very consistent. It's okay to move from one person to another, but make sure you have a clear break. Each chapter should just be from one person's point of view. At times you will have it switching midchapter for one or two paragraphs, sometimes with astrisks, sometimes not, but that really isn't necessary. If it's really important to know what another charater is thinking at that point, tell it later when it's that person's turn to be the point of view.Some things need to be explained a little bit better. Unfortunately I can't mark in the text, but some examples: The river changes, why is it suddenly? How does she know about the dangerous second stage of rapids? What is an Oni? What is a Nymph, and why does she know what these creatures are? She talks to Honmei later, but I don't recall any indication she could talk to animals before that. Is this a new skill? Can she just talk to this bird, or any birds?In your desciptions, watch out for nature shows. The animals wouldn't know how many kilometers per hour a bird drops or if it's the fastest animal out there. Tell it from the characters point of view.When she comes to the cave, it says she is in awe, but it doesn't feel like it. I want to hear more about her emotions, feel why it is so overwhelming. Right now it seems like we're just seeing the room. This happens a couple times where I wanted to feel a little bit more, but that one was the most pronounced, because I know my mind would be reeling at something like that.
It is mostly good. The one thing that makes it feel a little disjointed at times is the moving of point of views as noted above. If you are consistent with your point of view and don't move back to another person for just a paragraph or two, I think it'll force you to smooth over the rought spots.
The setting works well. I'm not really sure what time this is supposed to be, but it really could be any time, which I think works well (except for the futon at the end. Unless they've had futons for a long time in Japan, I'd suggest either changing that or bringing making it more modern).
overall, I think the book is very interesting, I do like things that deal with nature, so the book hit home on some aspects.
I thing the pace was exactly what it needed to be for the type of book it is. I really enjoied what I was reading.
The outdoors, what else needs to be said. Those who love the outdoors will enjoy this book.
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