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The treachery of the wizard Ethuelin was nearly forgotten history to Crislan, a story from a generation past. After all, Ethuelin was thought to have been killed along with the wizard he had attacked, some forty years ago -- more than two decades before Cris had even been born. But when Cris is drawn out of his quiet life late one night, bound by the power of a white-haired wizard in order to witness a horrific murder, Cris realizes that more than his own past has come back to haunt him. Cris knows he needs to live a mundane life; that's how he's shaped his existence in the years since the death of his brother, a tragedy that left memories Cris keeps locked away in a dark corner of his subconscious. But now Cris's life shatters around him as not just one, but two wizards battle their way into his mind, and expose things about him that Cris didn't even know about himself. As he fights for his own future, Cris also finds himself in the middle of a fight for his land's future.
**For anyone interested, a map of Doraan, the island continent where the story of The Two Staves takes place, can be found at the following web address: http://josephmkurtenbach.com/fiction/map-of-doraan/** After a long break I've begun updating sections I already have posted, and plan to begin adding new chapters again soon. For now, more changes to already posted material will likely be minor unless or until I receive further feedback to enlighten me. So please, enlighten me! Thank you for reading, and for any feedback you provide!
Love the poem at the beginning, just before the prologue. The prologue seems like it stands as a premise to the story that has yet to unfold. Which, in my opinion, is the point to a prologue. I am one who thinks they are useful if the story permits. Personally, I like it. I think it sets the tone for the opening chapters and helps me to know the world that you have built. Chapter 1This is definitely interesting. I like how you got right to the story and the chase and the fear of the wizard. Love the descriptions.The scene change where Cris relives his nightmare that he was running from was a little jarring. I'm not sure how you could go about smoothing the transition. I'm not sure at this point what the prologue has to do with the story yet. And I'm still unsure of Sturrak or why he feels privileged to invade Cris' mind so much. Chapter 2:So far, this chapter is full of wonderful descriptive language. I like it! You also did well in helping to propel the story forward and building up to something that seems big. I'm interested to find out more about Crislan and his ability for magic.@30% When Cris was explaining Pike--it seemed a little confusing to me. And maybe that's just my error for not understanding.Chapter 3 There was quite a bit of history here in this chapter. I think you did a great job at bringing it to point through dialogue. I also liked the descriptions of the knight and how you brought more plot to the chapter. It makes me want to read more. Chapter 4 Here we are introduced to another race that lives on your world and their language with the translations (nice!). We also meet the wife of Sturrak. I love this character btw. I think you've made him completely 3D. His vulnerability gives me something to relate to.Love the (literal) cliff hanger. Chapter 5 This was a very exciting chapter! It showed why Cris was "special" and why he only let himself start to think of the past. He clearly blames himself for that incident and now he's a mole. This sets up the plot nicely.
So far, the characters seem real. They're believable and they also remain separate from the others. Meaning, they don't blend in with other characters and make it difficult to discern who's who.
I can see how Cris is stuck between the two wizards and can't remember that he's betraying the other. It is well developed and there's a depth to this story that is fascinating. I still don't know how the prologue comes into play for this book, but I'm sure that you already have that taken care of.
I don’t want to reveal too much incase someone reads the reviews before the chapters. Therefore, overall, your voice/tone was filled with action, the setting is magical and vivid, and your chapters were smooth to read. I enjoyed your story and the cliffhanger between the evil wizard and our, hopefully, hero.
Irthaul; a knight. I liked him in this short prologue. I vote to keep this part in.Cris; main character. I didn’t think Cris was going to be a main character. I really thought he was going to die and felt he had given up to easily, that he didn’t fight enough. The character grows on you. His innocence and his worries about his family and the hidden secret ties together and makes him interesting.Sturrak: Wizard.At first, a believed Sturrak was evil, but after finding out his son was murdered, it was understandable of his anger. His personality grew with each chapter, as a strong quick-tempered wizard, to an understanding man to Cris, then a loving husband to his wife when they first met after their son’s death.That scene made the death of the boy realistic and closer to heart. Well done.The council: mysterious group. The townspeople treat them with fear. In the chapter where they would avoid walking across the wizards courtyard gave the impression the council was not well liked. I’m not sure if I like them as well. It reminded me of a Harry Potter episode of all the teachers in row.Leytha: Knight. Loyal to her duties.Cris’ love interest?Ethuelin: evil wizard.Even after hearing his history, I didn’t feel sorry or close to him, and at the end, he was even more evil, if that was your intention, you hit it.
Wizards in realms are not original. A young unknowing lad becomes a hero, is also not original. But a wizard with an unknowing-sidekick hero searching for the wizard who murdered a young boy. I don’t think I have read that match-up. You have a compelling plot and emotional story that makes this fantasy world realistic.
Greetings,First, thank you for taking the time to read Black Fox -- is appreciated. I hope that this critique will be of some use to you. I am going to separate my comments based off of scenes in the book, as I like to be able to comment as I'm reading or at the end of each scene so my thoughts remain fresh.I'm rather to the point, so I hope that you do not take any offense, I just talk about things I notice as I read.Prologue, Scene One ::I liked the poetry at the start of the story. Very nice flavor text.There were a few things that bothered me about the opening two paragraphs of this book. There are unnecessary descriptors (We know the mount flies, giant wings are stroking whistles into Irthaul's ears, for example.)The sounds to him were music felt redundant, you mention references to music and song, so you're just telling us something you're already showing us.In the second paragraph, you POV hop from Irthaul to Airelyn. The 'Irthaul knew' is very telly -- as well as very passive.Sorry for being so nitpicky about this, but the first few paragraphs can really make or break a story, and a POV shift is very, very distracting right from the start.You have a good command of words, but I think you can really, really strengthen this by cutting back on the telling of the relationship between mount and rider, and do a little more showing of the world they're flying through. In the matter of two paragraphs, you've told us things I'd rather have discovered through seeing it happen -- the meaning of the wyvern's smile, the nature of their relationship.The biggest thing though, is to watch the POV shifts. Here are the shifts that I caught in the first two paragraphs: Irthaul -> Airelyn -> Narrator -> IrthaulJust ten or twenty cents or so.I am torn on the first scene -- there is a lot of description, a lot of action, and a lot of things going on at one time. You throw a lot of names at us, of places, you describe the use of magic, and all of this in one scene. I like the descriptions of the start of the mage battle, and Irthaul's curiosity of what is going on. It is very natural.However, between the parts where you tell us of his nature, I don't feel I get to *know* him. I don't feel like I'm right there with him, but rather with the narrator, who is telling us this man's story. Perhaps it is due to so many outer descriptions, and I'm not really sure what to recommend that might help change this, but it bothered me enough to be worth mentioning.Prologue, Scene Two ::Short chapter, very to the point, and good at introducing a little of the way of the land. The only thing I can think of for possible improvement was that I was starting to notice the presence of -ly words. -ly words just tend to feel like weaker writing to me nowadays, so this could entirely just be personal preference and not anything necessarily wrong with their presence while storytelling. :)It was after I read this that I realized that it was the prologue and not the first chapter. I got to chapter one and started to twitch. I dislike prologues, especially sneaky prologues that look like chapters but aren't chapters, so now i'm questioning whether or not the character I just invested a lot of time in will actually be a star of the book. (I don't read the blurbs for stories when I critique often, because I want to be able to critique based off of the qualities of the story, not on the qualities of the summary of the story. so, in the prologue sections, if you see a reference to chapter, I'm referencing the prologue.)Chapter One, Scene One ::Ah, it seems my fears were founded.. the prologue character and the chapter one character aren't the same. Curses, foiled!That said, Cris's section seems better written so far, and more firmly anchored behind Cris. That begs the question, is the prologue necessary? Is it really, really necessary to try to fixate a reader on a prologue character that doesn't show up immediately in chapter one?Just something to think about.Chapter One, Scene One ::I think I have figured out where my main crux with this story is so far -- there is a lot of passiveness to the general writing style, which makes it hard to get really in and get absorbed by the story. For example,Cris found himself shaking uncontrollably as he slowly boosted himself to his feet.Why not: Cris's legs shook as he climbed to his feet. His knees buckled, and he clung to the tree to remain upright.IE, cut out the -ly words and 'found himself' cut out the 'he knews', the 'seems' also add to a weak sense of the writing. With your rich vocabulary, I think that you can take this so much further than what you're presenting. Make *every* word matter, and I think you'll really turn this into something special.When you start the next scene and jump back in time, I think my brain wanted to explode. Why not just start with the night passed, rather than lurching through the time-stream to the events that he is running away from? Part of me wants to go on and find out, but the other part of me isn't able to come down from the skipping and hopping -- as a reader, I want to know what will happen to him next. I know he survives whatever happens that night, so why is it so important? If it was so important, it could have opened up with it, since you're going to show us anyway. At least this way, we'll be able to see it in its proper order. Sometimes jumping back in time is necessary, but I don't think its appropriate in the first chapter. The bit of a hook that I had was lost with the swap for me.That said, there is potential in this piece. I think that if you worked at getting rid of the passive elements, this writing will be a lot stronger. The plot is solid, and you're good with characters. Because of this, I am giving this story an overall of 3*. The writing can be impproved, but you have two of the important foundation pieces down. Now, I think you just need to cut out the passive nature of your writing and take a more aggressive stance with your words. Do this, and I think this story will have a good chance of coming alive.I hope that these comments are of some use to you!
Prologue, Scene One ::You do a good job of explaining the characters and their general personalities as a set up, but I'd rather get to learn them as we go along, rather than having their general personalities handed to me on a very pretty silver platter. Knowing a lot about the characters from the get-go isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I didn't feel like I wanted to get to know more about the characters because you tell us a lot about them right from the start.Prologue, Scene Two ::So far, so good -- you show us a little of the wizard before he dies, and a little of Irathaul. My only complaint is that Irathaul knows the man's identity, calls him friend, yet you restrain on presenting us with his name. Just name them outright, it shows Irathaul's familiarity with them.One thing that bothers me is Irathaul's reaction to all of this; you hesitate on giving us Corolun's name, yet Irathaul has no fear of the aftermath of battle. There is something about this that bothers me. I don't know about you, but Wyvern rider or not, if two powerful wizards I knew were duking it out, I'd either be brave (and foolish) enough to try to dive in to stop my friend from getting killed, or run away.Chapter One, Scene One ::Decent start, you have a character in a bad situation. I like this, there is an immediate sense of urgency. But, that urgency is defrayed by the knowledge of his guilt and this character's immediate desire to turn himself in. Regret is a good enough thing, but if I were running for my life, I'm not sure I would be willing to throw myself at the mercy of those I suspect would kill me. I'd keep running. I'd be lamenting that I hadn't succeeded, if anything. I'm a little baffled by his attitude and thoughts, but I can also accept them. (IE, just because it isn't what I would do doesn't mean it isn't valid, it just gave me a little pause.)I can't tell if Cris is brave, foolish, stupid, or a delightful mixture of all three. I like how he doesn't just fit into one pair of boots. You wrote about a real person here, which is definitely something that goes a long way to making up for the tricky prologue. (Tricky, tricky prologues heh.)You have a lot of description of the wizard and the encounter. I think, perhaps, you should cut down some of the descriptions and get to the discussion faster. I found myself wanting to skip ahead to get to where something actually happens between the two of them.Overall, I am giving this category 4* -- while the presentation of the characters isn't ideal, the heart of them is really solid. I think the problems I find with their presentation is in the passive nature of the writing, like I mentioned above, which will fix itself once you conquer it.
Prologue, Scene One ::There doesn't seem to be a lot I can really comment on about plot at this point. You open the first scene innocently enough, and what is here is well laid out. The only thing I think might be missing is the why they're flying, but I'm equally content as to not know, since that does give me a bit of something to latch on to.Prologue, Scene Two ::Interesting development in this scene, there isn't anything I view as lacking or needing fixed. There weren't any real surprises either, since it feels very realistic to have both wizards die from the duel.Chapter One, Scene One ::Interesting, it kept my attention, and you did a good job of saying what happens throughout. I didn't find any problems with the plot as a whole. It starts a little cliche, but there is enough things going on I wasn't bored by the plot elements.Overall, I am giving the plot 3* -- i didn't see the correlation between the prologue and chapter one. In addition, I didn't like the jump back in time. However, the plot elements presented seem stable and cohesive so far.I hope these comments are of some use to you!
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