After you read and give feedback on three books, you can share your work with the Book Country community.
Your Bookshelf will hold books you’ve written and books you want to Follow, Read, or Review.
It cannot be seen, read, or purchased by other community members or visitors. You can, however, order copies of your own book. If you'd like to make your book available for sale again, please do so through the "Edit & manage" button at the top right of your book detail page. Remember, though: You can only make changes to your distribution channel every 60 days.
It was nearly two centuries ago when a group of refugees, cast out from their war torn planet into the coldness of space, stumbled upon the monolithic Onyx Ring. Within the confines of its alien forests and gleaming lakes they found technology beyond their wildest dreams. They plundered its intellectual riches until when those that threw them so mercilessly into the void rediscovered them, their power was awe inspiring. That was a hundred years ago, and a hundred bloody, brutal years of political bullying, economic superiority and galactic dominance have ensued. The people of the Ring have cared not who they step on to gain supremacy, it is their right. But as a new threat looms on the human race’s horizon, the people of the Onyx Ring stand squarely in its path, and will they find that their century of cruelty and hubris to their fellow man, damn them to oblivion in the cold depths of space?
This is still a work in progress, a new chapter is up and revisions have been made to previous chapters and the prologue. Hopefully these will have incoporated and fixed the issues that have been raised. Thank you to everyone who has commented and reviewed and I've tried to respond to your comments and improve on the problems you've highlighed, I'd be immensly greatful for you opinions on the new draft.
Your writing shows a want to explode with emotion, however, due to what I can only assume is a sense of caution, the explosion never occurs. Now granted this is a prologue I honestly would have read more chapters to hopefully see a sudden flare that would ignite the story. I felt somewhat detached and do wish that was not the case. You have a decent foundation to start and as I said I see a boiling approach to what I hope could lead to a grabbing of my attention and emotion. This prologue does not do it though. It's not bad, not in the least, but it is something I would have put down without remorse.It seems as if there is no mystery to this world we've never been to, nothing for a visitor to discover. I feel that there is promise in your story, because it is there, I see it, but I do not feel it.Keep at it! This story has potential, just bring it out.
Very dry, emotionless. There is nothing that tells the reader to "go ahead, peek in just a bit more..."Myself, wanting to peek in, felt scared to because of the notion that it would be more of the same.
The dialogue helped identify the class and mindset of the characters. I enjoyed that approach.
There's definitely a lot of promise within the story, and I think with a little tweaking you could really have something here. Your passion for the story is pretty evident, its just a shame that some niggling problems with character voice and dialogue hold it back. That said, its a very short work in progress, so I won't judge it too harshly. Best of luck with it.
There's an inherent hypocrisy here, because I feel my work suffers from the same problem that yours does: the prose doesn't reflect your viewpoint all that well. This would be fair enough if you were going for more of an omniscient approach, but that doesn't appear to be the case, as I can see some attempt there, it just doesn't quite work as well as it could. It's a shame, because I feel that's what is holding back this story most.
Aside from some niggling issues regarding who is saying what, I have no real qualms with the dialogue. It's pretty well written stuff, and definitely what left the most impression on me.
The onyx ringI truly wish I had better news, because you’ve worked very hard on this. The problem is that while you’re putting a great deal of effort into it what the reader gets isn’t what you intended. The hard truth is that you are not presenting a story. Instead, you’re giving a report in the form of an essay. You’re talking ABOUT a story, and giving details of the flow of the plot. You’re listing facts. But the story itself, which lives in the heart and mind of the characters, and in their longings, their accomplishments and failures, is missing. It’s in the emotional part and its ability to evoke emotion in your reader that matches what the character is feeling that carries the story. Facts can only bring “Uh-huh.” But the emotional detail and the character’s reactions can make us weep, and laughI’ve made a fairly harsh judgment, so let’s look at the presentation as a reader who knows only what the words have said to any given point, might. Bear in mind that what I’m saying has to do with the approach to telling this story, and is not about you, your potential as a writer, or even the story.• There is no shadow quite as dark as acrid smoke blocking out a virgin suns dawn.This is a statement from the writer, said for pretty, that tells a reader nothing because it comes without context. In addition, it’s demonstrably wrong. The shadow is what the smoke casts, not the smoke, itself. And demonstrably, a solid object will cast a darker shadow than something translucent like smoke. And: a virgin sun? Truthfully, I have no idea of what a virgin sun is. You do, and you have intent for the reference, but intent never gets to the page. When a reader turns to your words, you, your intent and everything about you, becomes irrelevant. It’s the reader, your words, and what those words mean to that reader.• Julian Stross watched it unfold through the steam of his Earl Grey tea.You’re thinking cinematically, and that’s always a mistake, because the reader cannot see or visualize the image that prompted the words. They don’t know where they are or what’s going on, yet, so Julian could be watching a video, or any of a hundred different scenes. He could be sitting or standing, be indoors or out. He could be in his kitchen, his den, or in a restaurant. And it makes no difference if you explain later, because it helps remove the confusion, here, not at all. Cause always comes before effect in life for a reason.• New Boston was spread out below him as a pinnacle of human industry in all its glory and architectural corpulence.This is meaningful to you as you read because you have context. You know who he is, where he is, and what’s going on. You know how high he is and why he’s up there. You know his state of mind, and who he is, inside. But to a reader what picture does “a pinnacle of human industry in all its glory and architectural corpulence,” call up? The answer is none, because we, as yet know nothing about his world, his place in it, and what he’s doing. So we have words, but the words are sterile. They mean nothing and link to nothing in the reader’s mind.Not a square metre of government land had been wasted.Means something if the reader knows what percentage of the land he’s viewing is government land. But they don’t. Nor do they know what government you’re talking about.- - - - - - - - - - - -To the point where the man enters the room you’ve provided 191 words. The reader is on the second manuscript page. And what’s happened? Nothing. Someone we don’t know is in an unknown place drinking tea, while unknown brothers are shooting at each other with unknown weapons (that generate a lot of smoke, apparently), for unknown reasons. Who is he and why is he there—wherever there is? We don’t know. Why are brothers fighting? We haven’t learned. What does he think about the battle? You don’t say. So where’s the story? What’s the hook that makes me want to become involved in the situation? That’s the prime question, because without an answer the reader walks away. Based on what you’ve provided I can’t answer it. Can you?- - - - - - - - - - - - -You cannot expect the reader, on mention of government, for example, to know the society in question.As I said, you’re thinking cinematically. You’re thinking of the bog picture, and there’s not nearly enough space to give the reader the background that would make it meaningful. And in any case no one wants to study a lesson in social studies in order to read a story. That would be boring.So what can you do? You narrow the focus to what he’s paying attention to. He’s looking at a building, or a person, or perhaps a cloud. It has his total attention for as long as it takes to identify, react, classify, ponder, and then either act or discard. If you limit the reader to what he reacts to, only, we’ll know his world as he knows it. And that means we know him, not just what’s happening around him. It becomes his story, rather then a story in which he appears. When he makes judgments, decisions, and plan he has no idea if they’ll go as he hopes, nor will the reader. And that means they’ll speculate on the chance of success, and as a result want to know what happens. As E. L. Doctorow said, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”There’s a trick to it, as there are tricks to every profession. The problem is that no one, when they begin to write fiction—including me—realizes that writing is a profession, with specialized knowledge, tricks of the trade, and even a business side that must be learned. We were taught a general skill in our schooling, called writing, and because we use our reading skills every time we open the cover of a novel we assume that if we have a good idea and a were gifted with writing talent we need no more.If only… But if that was enough our teachers, the people who gave us out writing skills, being more skilled than those they teach would all be multi-published writers. Were any of yours? Mine weren’t.So, you’ve demonstrated the desire and the necessary perseverance. That’s good. You have the story. All you need is to take the step most hopeful writers aren’t even aware is available, and that is to acquire the craft of the professional writer, so your talent will have the tools and the knowledge of how to use those tools.No one can guarantee that you will be a success, and I’d be lying if I said that a bit of education in writing technique will make you a success. Success is your job. All sculptures use the same tools. But how they use them is what makes them unique. On the other hand, if the only tool you own is a hammer, everything is going to look like a nail.Try these articles. They’re a good introduction to an approach that will place the reader on the scene in real-time, as a participant, as against passively listening to the storyteller.http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phphttp://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.htmlhttp://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/And if they make sense, give some thought to picking up a copy of the book the first article recommended. What the articles give you is an abbreviated version of one section of, Dwight Swain’s. Techniques of the Selling Writer. Hang in there, and keep on writing.Jay Greensteinhttp://www.jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/about
In general, the voice is that of a reporter, dispassionately listing the various events from the viewpoint of the filmgoer who is seeing the filmed story and commenting on it.
I was lost. Too often people I knew noting about were talking about things that had no meaning to the reader.
• A civil war, regardless of backdrop, the site of men and women butchering each other indiscriminately, should evoke revulsion or disgust, the completely deadpan way in which both men respond to the events it many to be representative of a pattern that will become more apparent later in the story. Who cares if it will become apparent later? There is no later. The reader, be they an agent or a bookstore customer, is a volunteer, not a conscript. When choosing to buy or say no, a single boring or confusing line will end the audition. No one cares what your intent is. No one cares if the plot will turn out to be great, later. A reader is with you for the moment-to-moment reading pleasure. Provide that or they turn to someone who will.
To your first point, this is perhaps one of the core things I must highlight, and perhaps the reason for the some of the other comments made on this story. It is true, that Stross and his companion have very little of an emotional reaction to the events taken place outside. However, this is entirely deliberate. A civil war, regardless of backdrop, the site of men and women butchering each other indiscriminately, should evoke revulsion or disgust, the completely deadpan way in which both men respond to the events it many to be representative of a pattern that will become more apparent later in the story. If I remove this, and have both men react in horror or other such similar emotions, the whole point of the prologue, to show how emotionally and morally cut off these men are, becomes redundant and it may as well be scrapped and the story precede uninterrupted to the first chapter.
To the next matter, that detailing the prose in the first sentence you outlined. I disagree about the issue with the smoke. I don’t see why something cannot be described as in a more immaterial way. It is true, in a perfectly literal sense that other objects would cast a darker shadow, but that seems rather to miss the point of the meaning inherent in the sentence. That said however, ‘virgin sun’? I must admit I was not entirely keen on it myself. It doesn’t fit the wording I wanted but was all I could seem to come up with. That sentence was reworked numerous times and I couldn’t get the exact meaning I wanted. In a rewrite I’ll probably be forced to cut it, unless I can get it how I want.
On the issue of what Julian can see, I’m not quite sure I grasp your point. I understand that the reader may think he is watching a video, or in real time. The first paragraph seems to me to be a bad place to go into great depth on description of someone’s surroundings, and the manner the images are conveyed to him is currently less important that the emotionless whey they are received. How he is viewing these scenes is explained not long after, why should it be forced in the initial paragraph?
Moving now to your next point on the sentence “New Boston was spread out below him as a pinnacle of human industry in all its glory and architectural corpulence”. On this I feel we may be coming from completely opposite angels. I disagree that a context within the novel is necessary for this sentence to work. I sent this sentence to several people after reading your review. The main reason was that I wanted to see if, as you said, it created no image in the readers mind. Each of the people was someone I knew I could trust to tell me straight and not sugar-coat to make me feel better. Each one described a certain image back to me, each was subtly difference but each was perfectly suited to the feel of what I desired for them to envision. None viewed the scene identical to me, but then they never would and I had no desire for them to. If I was intending to describe exactly my own mental picture of what ‘architectural corpulence’ meant, then the sentence WOULD be inadequate to the task, but this was not the aim.
Replying to your comment on how the motivation of the fighters, or who Stross is. My response is twofold. Firstly, this is the first two hundreds, cramming massive amounts of plot; characterisation and character motivation into 200 words seems slightly ludicrous. Secondly, I think once again we are looking at this from opposite ends of the argument. To me, the fact that the questions have not been completely answers forces the reader to continue reading, if all questions are answered, there is no need to continue to read.
First I would like to thank you for reviewing my book, which I know is terrible, and the comment button seems to be not working. Oh well I would have returned the favor anyways. My book, well, I know it stinks but I usually write a good prologue and sometime first chapter and get totally bored with it and start another book. Not this one. I was banging my head on every surface in the house just trying to find a beginning and it never happened, so I decided to try something new, and write the biggest story outline, just saying what people do and what happens without much detail, like saying they're depressed if they are. I will go back and edit this so many times I swear it will be unrecognizeable.I really am enjoying this prologue and not even half a chapter and am really hoping that you do not write like me and will never come back to this idea again. This is good writing and I hope to see more, but I don't need to read it. You need to pull the reader in more. I know, I know, what do I know but if you read some of my other prologues you would like them more.
Well, I think that this voice is very distinct in even the first few pages. I've noticed you lean towards third person. You told me it was better for my story, but it simply pains me to write it as it is and I lean towards first-person. I sometimes do third, but in most cases I will try but find myself continuously writing "I" and "me" accidentally when I don't find it right for the story.
The dialogue in this story is incredible- it tells me about the character speaking by its choice of words. This is a rare acievement.Like I said, I hope to read more soon.
Lovely turn of phrase. I really like the beginning. It is poignant and thought provoking. I love the image you build with the tea.I would pay attention tospelling, grammar and sentence structure, like indenting the next paragraph, commas and such like.A few things like "the soft, crisp clank" clash. I know there's a word for it, but it eludes me. The it's followed "swept gently in" is overkill.What is HH Hfhfhfdlshkkdklfs or something like that? Slip of the finger maybe :-)Well crafted for a first draft and promises to be a good read.
A refreshing, fast moving voice with many original lines.
A bit confusing. I wasn't always certain who was talking. Keep the person speaking on the same line as their dialogue. This is sometimes done, but not always.
This seems pretty good so far! You've obviously spent time crafting your world. But you might want to go over your text again, as I came across some typos and other mistakes. At this point, you haven't really established a single character that I can dig my teeth into, so maybe you should describe them more and show some interior thoughts.
The voice seems tight, but as I said above, you might want to reveal your character's thoughts and feelings a little more rather than let their dialogue describe them. Your voice seems very classic 1960's science fiction -- which I like. You could use some more dialogue, and I like the opening lines, but you could use a little more detail to describe things and paint it for the reader. :)
The dialogue seems tight, but it's the only thing that is really revealing anything about your world and the characters, and you can't just rely on dialogue to do that. Your dialogue isn't stilted and seems like real people talking though... I can sense sarcasm and cynicism and other emotions in their voices without you describing it. But maybe add some more human touches to it, establishing that these people know each other and their habits.
Please choose the reason that best describes your concern. If you feel any content infringes your copyright, please refer to our General Terms of Use for information on copyright infringement and takedown procedures.
You may currently read and review 5000 out of 6296 words in this book.
To read the complete book, you need to be connected to the writer.
Request to Connect with {Writer Name}
Connections are your friends and colleagues on Book Country who you have allowed additional access to your work. Accepting a Connection request lets that member read all of the fiction you've posted (there is no word limit). Connections can also view who you are Connected to, as well as the books, People, Discussions, and Industry Topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
To add a new Connection, send a Request to Connect. The member to whom you would like to Connect must accept your request to make it official.
Book Country provides an RSS feed for those who like to read our Industry content in an RSS Aggregator.
Choose from the options below:
Are you sure you want to ignore this request or recommendation? It will be removed from your shelf.
You will no longer receive Connection Requests from this person, and they will not know that you have blocked them. You can unblock this person at any time in your account.
is now blocked. You can manage your blocked people in your account.
Are you sure you want to block this person?
This member is now blocked. You can manage your blocked people in your profile.
You will no longer be able to view this user’s Connections, read their complete books, or make Recommendations to them.
The user will not receive notification that you have Disconnected, but they will probably figure it out later. You can also stay in touch more casually by Following this person instead.
You are now Disconnected from this member.
By accepting this Connection Request, you will be allowing this member to read all the fiction you've posted, view your Connections, and the books, people, discussions, and topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
If you'd rather receive more casual updates on this person's activity, choose to Follow this person instead.
Please sign in or join now if you want to Connect with this person.
Your request has been sent to the member.
Sign in to share with your connections.
Recommend: [Author]
Done! You have recommended [Author] to [recipient].
Advertisement
Book Country Badges are awarded for community activity and accomplishments. You can earn badges for positive contributions to the site, such as writing a highly rated book, or contributing many reviews and discussions.
Each badge comes in bronze, silver, and gold. You’ll start with bronze, and then earn silver and gold as your activity grows. There are also versions of each badge at the genre level, master genre level (i.e., SF, Romance, etc.), and for all of Book Country. Our staff is always working hard to ensure fairness and good karma. The more you participate, the more rewards you’ll receive.
Preferred Genres help you track your interests and Connect with similar members. You can select as many genres as you like.
The Top Books and Top People in your Preferred Genres will automatically appear on your home page, updating every two weeks.
Recommendations make it easy to share interesting content with other Book Country members. You can recommend a book, discussion, person, or article to your Connections, and they can make Recommendations to you.
Recommendations appear in your notifications bar.
Connections are your friends and colleagues on Book Country who you have allowed additional access to your work. Accepting a Connection request lets that member read all of the fiction you’ve posted (there is no word limit). Connections can also view who you are Connected to, as well as the books, People, Discussions, and Industry Topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
Following is a way to casually keep in touch with a person on Book Country. By Following a person, you will receive updates on their public activities on the site, such as uploading a new book or responding to a discussion. People you Follow can’t see your Connections, make Recommendations to you, or see that you are Following them.
Private books cannot be read by site visitors or community members. Private books do not appear on the Genre Map or in searches. Some writers may choose to temporarily make a book private during revisions or while meeting with agents and publishers.
You can repost a private book to make it visible again. All comments and ratings will be saved.
Writers can Delete their books at any time, for any reason. On rare occasions, the Book Country staff may Delete a book for copyright violations. Deleted books are completely removed from Book Country, along with all comments and reviews. Deleted books cannot be recovered.
Locked Discussions are discussions that can still be read but cannot accept new responses. Discussions can only be locked by a Book Country administrator.
As a community for writers and readers, we want our members to receive thoughtful and constructive feedback on their work. Book Country Peer Reviews are designed to help writers improve in their chosen craft.
You must be a member to rate and review. Members can review a book once per draft. Each review has several sections:
Share your general thoughts on the book. Did the writer categorize the book accurately on the Genre Map? Were you engaged by the material? What really worked and what needs work? Comment on whatever else you like.
When uploading a book, writers can select two areas on which they’d like guidance. Provide more detailed feedback based on these criteria.
Give each section a star rating from 1 to 5. This will help us determine how the book compares to others in the community. Your must rate each section to save your review. But remember, star ratings are not just a scale of bad to good; it’s also a scale from rough draft to polished manuscript.
It’s easy to work on your review over a period of time with our “Save for Later” feature. Please be aware, though, that if you have a review saved and the writer of the book changes his/her feedback criteria, the feedback that you’ve inputted for any old criteria will be automatically removed. Additionally, if the writer uploads a new draft of the book, your review will be lost. So don’t sit on it too long!
When writing your review of a published book, please bear in mind that the author is not longer revising the project. For example, you may want to write your review as if you are giving your opinion to other potential readers.
Heads up! By Connecting with this person, you are allowing this user to view your other Connections, see who you’re Following, and read your complete books. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections, and make Recommendations to them.
The other user must accept your Request to make the Connection official.
Done! You have sent a recommendation to .
Click the left arrow to view the previous page.
Click the right arrow to view the next page.
Write a review of the book.
Use page tools to customize your experience and jump to sections of the book.
Are you sure you want to sign out?
It's easy! Upload chapters at your own pace or your entire book if it's ready. Make changes any time you like.
Everyone contributes at Book Country. After you provide three peer reviews, you can share your work with the community.
Book Country is a supportive community of fiction writers and readers who offer constructive feedback to help you improve your craft.
Our members include published authors and industry professionals. You never know who might discover your work.
This is a DRM eBook. Digital Rights Management (DRM) is a technology that is used to protect copyrights in the digital environment. This eBook is encrypted and MAY NOT BE PRINTED or otherwise reproduced.
It is the decision of a Book Country author to employ DRM to limit distribution, sharing, or copying of his or her work.
This file is in "Adobe reader" format and will require the Adobe Digital Editions (ADE) software - a free download. Please be sure to install ADE before downloading your eBook. .ascm is the file extension used by Adobe Digital Editions to read DRM eBooks--such as ePub or PDF. Please refer to the Adobe Digital Editions help site for more information: http://www.adobe.com/products/digitaleditions/help
Apple Products such as the iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch do not currently support the Adobe Digital Editions DRM used in the Adobe and ePub formats that are available on our site.
Downloading your eBook is simple; click on the "download this eBook" link from your Smart Receipt or email confirmation and then follow the step-by-step directions that are presented on screen.
RadEditor - please enable JavaScript to use the rich text editor.