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Suzanne Waterford had been in love -- once, but it ended badly. Ever since then, she's given up the search for 'Mr. Right', and while she isn't necessarily pleased with her plain existence, she is content with the simplicity of it. That is, until a chance meeting on a morning commute changes everything she's ever believed about herself... Brad Prince wasn't even prepared to give the dowdy Suzanne a second glance until she literally falls in his lap. However, it doesn't take long before he finds the more he knows about her, the more he's intrigued. But as he's originally unprepared to deal with such a surprising, yet strong connection to a stranger, he forgets to mention one little detail -- he's her new boss. As his deception is revealed, Brad must convince Suzanne that his heart is true and not everything is always as it appears.
This was a short story that I entered into a Debbie Macomber contest. While I didn't win, I decided I would share it on here and try to get some feedback. I wrote this in a short amount of time with only a limited amount of words, so I realize it might need some additional 'tweeking.' Just kind of wanted a feel for the overall story. Other than that, for some reason whenever I upload at different times, there are = and @ that I can't seem to get rid of, though I'm still working on it. Sorry for issue otherwise.
Good premise, promising storyline. Interesting female lead.
Well done overall, but uneven. Tries a little too hard at times.
Pacing is such an individual thing. Some people like a story to simmer, some like to be taken on a ride. For me, the pacing was fine for the story being told.
The characters have a good basis. They all just need a little more. Especially given this is a romance. We have to want Suzanne and Brad to get together. We know he's dashing, she's mousy. Why are they attracted to each other? Another reviewer mentioned there was a lot of thinking in this. They are right. Both Brad and Suzanne think that they don't know why they are attracted to each other. Therefore, the reader doesn't know either. But I think you can get us to root for them. I already root for Suzanne. Another thing about this that I think will be corrected when you expand is tied to the comment about there being a lot of thinking. I believe that since you wrote this for a short story contest, you had to rely more on telling than showing. So your characters tell us more than they show us. But I know you can do the showing, so focus on that and this story will grow stronger.
The voice works. Third person limited, alternating between our two romantic leads helps further the story. I like it. If I have to give a suggestion, I would say to balance it out more. Toward the end, you only tell the story from Suzanne's point of view. Show us more of Brad's. Or lose Brad's and tell the story solely from Suzanne's.
Others have commented that your pacing is slow. I find it mostly fast-paced. Too fast, even. Slow it down, especially the parts at Martha's Vineyard. That seems to be where the romance really picks up. And there's also the history between Suzanne's aunt and her father. There was no real conclusion to their story. I think that can be improved.
Not enough action. Too much thinking and not enough pacing. What's going on?
The POV stayed constant and there is a great story in here. I just want to dig out the story from the thinking.
Too slow. Please think here and now and write action sequences. Overall it's a good first draft, and it's time for a major rewrite to get the story.
The story has real potential, but the start is a little slow and could be more compelling. The reader is not "hooked" from line one. There is too much background info that interrupts the potential flow. I enjoyed the moments of humor and the view point is nicely controlled. Many grammatical, spelling and typo errors. Dialogue confusing for the most part, but does improve periodically. Serious editing is needed. The @ and = symbols that intersperse the manuscript are confusing, unless they are simple typos.Watch the new paragraphs when still in the same character's head. Like the one in the beginning "Chalk up all this chaos.... Then suddenly we jump to the next line. Probably just a slip of the finger. But these are the errors one should sort out before putting a manuscript out there. Writing is hard work and consists of writing then editing again and again.Be very aware of telling and not showing.Edit, edit and edit again. If I could make comments in your text to help you I would do it happily, but it isn't permitted in this format.
Not really developed as yet. But the author potentially has a playful voice with quick wit.
Slow start with too much telling and now enough showing. Having said that, the plot could be fleshed out a lot more. The end comes as a bit of a rush and more excitement could be created by slowing the pace.
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