After you read and give feedback on three books, you can share your work with the Book Country community.
Your Bookshelf will hold books you’ve written and books you want to Follow, Read, or Review.
It cannot be seen, read, or purchased by other community members or visitors. You can, however, order copies of your own book. If you'd like to make your book available for sale again, please do so through the "Edit & manage" button at the top right of your book detail page. Remember, though: You can only make changes to your distribution channel every 60 days.
Dealing with tragedy, a writer finds an outlet for his feelings in a story about a pair of children searching for their brother in a strange land full of walking trees, talking bears, and all things fantastic.
In all likelihood, I will submit this story with my MFA applications. The smallest (perhaps seemingly unimportant) criticisms, can make a huge difference. For my feedback criteria, I've chosen Character Development and Plot (as I find that they are essential elements of any story) but I urge you to touch upon other areas as well. This is an early draft and needs polishing. I'd like to thank everyone in advance for helping me with this. It might change my life.
I liked the opening line. It gave me a sense of sadness, foreboding and a tale, probably unhappy, to be told.My favorite passage is the one wherein Michael draws his family on the train window. I found it a simple, but elegant summation of the characters, as seen from a little boy's perspective. That he had "forgotten to draw himself" is appropriately heartbreaking.I love the interplay between inner and outer stories, re: Michael/Thomas and the Bolton/stuffed bear that Thomas kept with him because he was lonely.Overall, I thought it was a lovely, but sad story, beautifully and realistically told. As set forth below, I think it could be better with some rethinking of word usage.A few question marks for me: @12% "and searched for adventure without warning" - do you mean that he searched carelessly, as in 'seek trouble and you will find it?'. Or are you expanding on the lack of care by his mom? It's not clear, as it is in the next line about his sister.Generally, you use very long sentences effectively, but sometimes they are long, seemingly with very little forwarding purpose. For example, when Michael is exploring the hole in the rose bush. The section about his mother feels extraneous and makes the sentence longer than it need be. It serves no real purpose because we already know what state mom is in - she is greatly weakened by tragedy. And there is no indication that she's there watching, but not responding, to what's happening.While I did not find the change in pov jarring, I found the shift in time suggested by some of the changes confusing.I think that your writing and descriptions of even strange things are good, and as such, you should trust the reader more. For example, I loved the description of trees, and how they moved, I.e., "taking care not to fall, the tree leaned forward then back" - this, with the rest of the paragraph, gave me such a vivid picture, i did need to be told, "a nod," and if youre going to tell me it was a nod, i dont need to be told that a nod means "yes.". I think that you should pick one, if any. Probably "yes," given Michael's question.Make sure you check for typos that won't be caught by spell checker. An easy one to make is "you" instead of " your," see @40% (book beside you pillow). Also, check for commas, apostrophes, etc.At 42%: I'm not exactly sure why this feels awkward to me. I think I know what you're saying (the kids sat down to rest, but, sort of like a treadmill running beneath them, the fortest kept moving?), but it isn't as crisp as your other descriptions.Another example of too many unnecessary words at 46% ("it looked like the home that they had lived in in Uniondale"; I suggest, "it looked like their home in Uniondale").@51% if you mean Jack, he was a young boy, and a kid would probably know that.@55% "Smoke rose from the chimney, and that meant someone was inside" (trust me to know that a fireplace going probably means that someone is at home).The next sentence is the same: a "shrug" speaks for itself. Let her actions in not moving after the shrug tell us that she isn't going to knock."Stood on the tips of his toes" - "Stood on his toes".Next paragraph, introducing the bear - I think it is missing words?
The depiction of Uncle William is well done. From his body, to his actions and how they contrast with his care for the mother, all amount to great development of that character. I also got a very clear picture of mom. And I thought that the children acted very much like children would after the loss of a sibling and the disintegration of a family.
I loved the interplay between the story, the people in the story, and the "real" world. I thought it was mostly very well done. The ending confused me a little. I had thought, initially, that there was a suggestion that the writer is the man behind the door tapping away about the children standing outside of it, listening to him tapping. But by the end, I wasn't sure. It's all very ethereal - and perhaps that how you meant it to be, but I found it a bit unsatisfying. For that reason, I gave the plot fewer stars.I love the idea, expressed at 60%, that there was another time "back when the trees were still". It gives the a richer plotline.
The sudden switch to second person near the beginning is a bit jarring. I feel there's not enough indication as to who we are at the beginning, when that happens, so I enter the story fumbling for my way. Only at the second present-day bit do I realize the reader is the child of the author, at which point I have to flip back to reread the first bit.In that second bit as well, you say "She thinks about me, us, and you..." But the narrator can't know that for sure, since it's first person. Perhaps "She probably thinks" or something like that."But the tree stopped the children that looked so much more like little forest creatures in their cloaks, dropping its lowest thick branch that was like an arm to block their way." is a very awkward sentence."Patricia shrugged, which didn't mean yes or no but that she wouldn't be the one to do it." I like this sentence. Spot on.Is this traditional fantasy? It seems more slipstream.Most of the writing is quite nice, though some overlong sentences could use polish. I like the concept, and I think there's a lot of potential -- a little more clarity (see plot notes) would be ideal, I think.
You say Uncle William rarely left the house and spent most of his time in the strange room, and then say he loved nothing more than his garden--seems a bit contradictory.Though the story has a fairy tale feel, and so I think demands some leeway as to character motivations, I don't know why Patricia stays in Home. What are these kids thinking about this magical world, when they know so little? (Which you point out explicitly soon after.)Uncle William never comes back after that first introduction; his inclusion at all seems unnecessary.
I love the parallels between present day and story -- the fishing nets, the sailboat, the bear, the tree.I'm still left unsure at the end who the narrator is addressing (besides his child) and what the significance of it is. The parallel between what the narrator is going through, this separation from his wife, and the story, this kid looking for his lost brother, is a little oblique for me. I want to understand, I want to get it, but I'm not sure it's quite there.
At first, I was confused about addressing "you", but it became clearer the further I read. I would like to suggest making that clearer in the beginning. I really like the idea of going back and forth, it reminds me of The Velveteen Rabbit movie. I think it is unique and works well with the story you are creating here. 40% you should be your (pillow).
The narrator of the story reminds me of someone that is either a husband who is struggling with the loss of a child and the less physical loss of his wife. He pulls me into this story. Completely.The two children seem more two dimensional than three, Thomas is more developed than Patricia. Even the uncle and mother seem more like background characters. The bear, the train, and other characters of the hidden world could use a little bit more developing as well as some more scenery descriptions.
I love the two separate stories and plot lines. Though it seems to me that they correlate with each other. Two stories, one journey. Awesome. I would love to read more of this story!
From page one, your word choice really stands out. The pages flow with language and imagery. This good choice of diction remains consistent throughout the story.1% - I like that you say "the story" and "the rose." By not saying, "a rose" or "my story," the narrator assigns an importance to these objects. It really draws me in. Later, when we see the mother with a rose, I wonder if it could be THE rose...28% - "Michael and Patricia woke in deep winter, lying in a snowless clearing." While I really like this line, you might consider changing the word "woke", as the last time we saw the children they were wide awake and had yet to go into the hole.28% - Maybe more of a reaction upon seeing these walking trees. Yes, children are known to suspend belief, but they still need that moment of surprise and wonder.37% - The nod to The Chronicles of Narinia may be a bit much in a story that is very similar. Too tongue-in-check. And now, I find myself comparing this room to the one in that story - there's a bookshelf and a chest - is there also a magical closet? A bit distracting.49% - You could do without the line "But there were tracks in the snow...they meant that the place was deserted." Since we haven't been told that the place is deserted this doesn't contradict any former noticns. Cutting straight to the next paragraph ("Michael pointed to a set of footprints...) would make this a smoother transition.58% - "...all fur, sharp teeth, and four-inch claws. It wore a pinstripe suit and large shoes." I love this sudden transition from intimidating to comical. I literally laughed-out-loud."We're from Uniondale" - Such a typical thing for a child to include in an introduction.62% - "King Thomas the Baker of Union Dale" I love this! The baker!71% - Such a great contradiction from the children in the fantasy world to the writer eating Easy Mac. This image really sums up the life of a writer.75% - A boy named Michael and a bear named Bolton. Hmm...
Patricia is such a wonderful little character. She just follows her brother around and doesn't say a word.Then, during our first glimpse into her thoughts she "remembered the story about the man that climbed the beanstalk." In this make-believe world, this child is basing her judgements on other fantastical stories. I love this idea.I find it funny that the youngest Baker (and he is very young? As Patricia seems like a very little child) would have "finest friends and followers." Our first glimpse at Thomas.
7% - You say "the Bakers lost Thomas" and the adult in me assumes that Thomas is dead. Then, I think how sweet and innocent of Michael to believe that his brother disappeared into a hole. But maybe the child is right, maybe is brother is simply missing...I wonder if you're going to pull a Pan's Labrynth and suggest that delving into this magical world is Michael's way of dealing with his brother's death? We will see...Keep writing! The narrator knows where the story will go and I want to know, too!
Just a random comment, the MFA program I was in (and many others, I'm told) frown on genre fiction. That may have changed. It was a long time ago, but I thought I'd mention it. Switching to second person is confusing on page two. Some missing words. Setting is confusing me. From some of your details I would have placed this in an old sea-faring town in the past, but chicken fingers and tater-tots suggest present time. Why would there be a swing? Unless their uncle put it up for them, it doesn't make sense for a house previously without children. Again, second person throwing me at 26%. Some missing punctuation. Desert, not dessert at 49%. It was a boy, not a man, who climbed the beanstalk, right? Missing word 53%. Sounds like Michael is asking for his father to return, not Thomas at 63%. Okay, obviously there is a deep meaning intended within these words, but I'm not getting it. If you can make it come across more clearly, I think you may have what an MFA program would seek. It's just too vague, at least for me.
I don't get the mother reference on page two. You love the room, but your mother changed it? The kids seem to comfortable with the walking trees to be believable. Unclear what commands the tree is giving them, and a bit of POV shift in there. Seems odd the children would view their parents as Mr. and Mrs. Baker.
Your opening line is rather dry. Actually, your first pages are pretty dry. Lots of exposition, telling without showing. Out of nowhere, they drop into this fantasy world. Are we supposed to assume they went in the hole? The castle and house can't have the same shape if one has spires. And a whole village within? It must be much bigger. It's not clear that Patricia falls when she slips. Seems much more than a month has passed (63%) by your descriptions.
Good start. I think you've done a nice job at getting the reader into the setting. This could be a personal preference, but at 12%, I'm wondering about the placement of the comma in the sentence that begins, "That is all the Baker brothers heard when, ..." It might be more effective if you held off the comma until after 'door.' Also, same sentence, the use of the word 'door' twice is a bit redundant. In the next sentence, maybe choose either 'Mrs. Baker' or 'his sister'...one or the other. Both is repeating the same information we already have.Good hook at the end of this section.In the section about the tree communicating to the boys, maybe make the trees responses be written the same. One is in italics and the other is plain, a yes. At 56%...the sentence that starts..."After a long moment the Baker brothers spent looking around"...something is a little off with that sentence. I'm wondering if it needs to be cleaned up. Perhaps, "After a long moment in which the Baker brothers spent looking around and twiddling their thumbs, uttering "Maybe no one's home..." See what you think. On the same page, when Michael introduces himself and Peter, it could use a 'is' between 'this' and 'Peter.' Also, 'Uniondale' is used in two different constructions. 'Uniondale' and 'Union Dale', I'm not sure if this is intentional. At 61%, I don't think there is a need for the comma between 'hard' and 'about'. I'm really liking the story this far, but I'm hoping to see some of the parts tied together with the beginning.At 69%, and this is just nit picky, how can a screen door have glass panes?Also at 69%, the sentence that introduces the bear's name is slightly clunky. Maybe try it a different way. After the introduction of his name, I had to go back and see what was going on with Peter and the stone of the platform. At 96%...this is also something nit picky...the use of a serial comma between days ago, weeks, or months. The only reason why I say anything is because I've noticed a pattern of 'not' using serial commas throughout the piece, but then here it is. I'm a big fan of the serial comma so I will so no more ; )Nice Job! Remember to take anything I've said with a grain of salt. Anything you think will help is a bonus, anything you don't like, feel free to toss. I enjoyed reading it!
The uncle and the boys were all developed to my satisfaction. The mother and the father, however, were left somewhat to the imagination, and that may have been the point.
Michael, I've read all of your other work that you have posted, and it is clear to me that you have a gift for writing for a younger audience. You know who to bring those characters to life, and I've always enjoyed your pieces. The plot of this piece is poignant and deep. I'm sure it will leave a lasting impression on the intended grader.
Michael, I think yu have a good story. Somehow I don't see it as contemporary fantasy for your first draft. You do need to proofread for semi-colons and other punctuations. Good scenic descriptions.
You did pretty well on developing the characters and their background.I think you can do a bit more. They do feel real in a way.
Good concept. It does need a hint of drama and conflict or a fantasy.
Reviewing as I read, to give you the line-by-line. Overall will follow that.First para ends with a bit of bathos (see Turkey City Lexicon)."...driven any mother to screaming (if she had the..." - 'any' mother or 'his' mother?"Intervallic"? Really?47% - "looked beautiful from afar, were truly tattered and worn." - think you could lose the 'truly', but then, I think 'truly' is one of those overused words.65% - think you meant 'reign', not 'rein'.83% - when did Bolton say there was an entire cart stocked with food and drink?Overall I think it's a good piece of writing. A bit dark, a bit obscure, but good. The language is beautiful and evocative. The imagery is powerful through most of the piece, with a few hiccoghs that can be laid down to it being an early draft.
The writer and his wife are solidly developed. Michael and Peter less so, although that may be deliberate. I think I may be missing some references. Not all of them, certainly. I get the Narnia reference. Not sure which other ones I'm missing. More on this in Plot, but I think the Thomas / Peter / Michael reference needs to be clarified.
Here's where I think I'm missing something, and I'm not sure if there's some reference work that you're assuming readers have read and I haven't, or if you're not making the reference clear enough.The Narnia reference, like I said, I get. The going West reference, if I'm reading it correctly, symbolizes dying. Let's see if I get it.William Baker is obsessed with the death of his son (in a boating accident?). He's writing his son's journey to Narnia and the West He gets so obsessed with the death of his son Thomas and death in general (the statue facing West) that he loses his wife (the statue facing East).As for Michael and Peter, there are two possible ways to read it that I saee. One is that they're aspects of Thomas, and when Thomas chooses the Michael-like aspect over the Peter-like one, he does something rash and dies. The other interpretation is that Michael and Peter are the Baker's future children, who never happen because of the death of Thomas.Toward the goal of creating a potentially powerful, thought-invoking piece, I'd say you've done a good job. On the goal of creating a completely coherent narrative? Not quite so much. It's good, but honestly I'd say that at least one of the potential interpretations needs to be stronger. Otherwise it seems you're leaving it *too* open, if you see what I'm saying.So... potentially very good, but at the moment needs some TLC in this area.
• "She can't stand to see our...You've been speaking in your POV, giving a tour of the room, for unknown purpose. But now you introduce an unknown "she," as if the reader knows her. How can that work? And after introducing "her" you drop the subject and continue talking about another subject, the laptop that the unknown narrator brought. But as a reader, I'm asking, "why do I care?" I don't know WHY I'm being told this, and that means I have no emotional involvement. In reality, no story is taking place. It's all description. And then, after I've given you of my time to learn about an unknown room in an unknown place, you change the subject to Mr. Baker. Why? Why was I told of the room by this unknown person. No way to tell. Who is the unknown narrator? Unknown. It doesn't help to learn later because you have only one chance to make a first impression.The seecond section is equally muddled. Again, someone unknown, and for unknown purpose, is telling me about people I have no reason to be interested in, for unknown reasons.Here's my point: Start your story, not talking about it. The story begins when Michael digs and says he knows where Thomas has gone. Begin there. And begin with story, as it unfolds. Don't talk about it. Don't give background. Tell the story in real time. If the reader needs to know something the character can mention it in conversation, or something that happens can remind him.. For example, after the hole is discovered and he says he thinks he knows where Thomas has gone, the other character can say "What?" which gives the character reason to explain. You're not in this story, so you cannot be on stage with the characters.The short version: Get into the character's head so deeply you can "see" nothing but what the character is paying attention to. And tell the reader nothing but what the character is thinking and doing. No digressions and no editorial comment. That way, the point of view will be the character's not yours, and not that of the character at a later date recelling the story instead of placing the reader on the scene. History is factual, and inherently a nonfiction technique. Fiction is emotional in nature, sort of a super gossip. And gossip beats history every time.
Because you're telling this story in your own voice, as if we're with you, the only viewpoint is the narrator's which precludes us knowing the characters as living people.
Muddled, I'm afraid. You know why you're speaking about the room and about the man's disapperance, but the reader doesn't.Remember, plot is the roadmap, but the writing is the story. It doesn't matter how great the plot is if the reader gives up quickly because the writing doesn't hook them.
Please choose the reason that best describes your concern. If you feel any content infringes your copyright, please refer to our General Terms of Use for information on copyright infringement and takedown procedures.
You may currently read and review 5000 out of 3646 words in this book.
To read the complete book, you need to be connected to the writer.
Request to Connect with {Writer Name}
Connections are your friends and colleagues on Book Country who you have allowed additional access to your work. Accepting a Connection request lets that member read all of the fiction you've posted (there is no word limit). Connections can also view who you are Connected to, as well as the books, People, Discussions, and Industry Topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
To add a new Connection, send a Request to Connect. The member to whom you would like to Connect must accept your request to make it official.
Book Country provides an RSS feed for those who like to read our Industry content in an RSS Aggregator.
Choose from the options below:
Are you sure you want to ignore this request or recommendation? It will be removed from your shelf.
You will no longer receive Connection Requests from this person, and they will not know that you have blocked them. You can unblock this person at any time in your account.
is now blocked. You can manage your blocked people in your account.
Are you sure you want to block this person?
This member is now blocked. You can manage your blocked people in your profile.
You will no longer be able to view this user’s Connections, read their complete books, or make Recommendations to them.
The user will not receive notification that you have Disconnected, but they will probably figure it out later. You can also stay in touch more casually by Following this person instead.
You are now Disconnected from this member.
By accepting this Connection Request, you will be allowing this member to read all the fiction you've posted, view your Connections, and the books, people, discussions, and topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
If you'd rather receive more casual updates on this person's activity, choose to Follow this person instead.
Please sign in or join now if you want to Connect with this person.
Your request has been sent to the member.
Sign in to share with your connections.
Recommend: [Author]
Done! You have recommended [Author] to [recipient].
Advertisement
Book Country Badges are awarded for community activity and accomplishments. You can earn badges for positive contributions to the site, such as writing a highly rated book, or contributing many reviews and discussions.
Each badge comes in bronze, silver, and gold. You’ll start with bronze, and then earn silver and gold as your activity grows. There are also versions of each badge at the genre level, master genre level (i.e., SF, Romance, etc.), and for all of Book Country. Our staff is always working hard to ensure fairness and good karma. The more you participate, the more rewards you’ll receive.
Preferred Genres help you track your interests and Connect with similar members. You can select as many genres as you like.
The Top Books and Top People in your Preferred Genres will automatically appear on your home page, updating every two weeks.
Recommendations make it easy to share interesting content with other Book Country members. You can recommend a book, discussion, person, or article to your Connections, and they can make Recommendations to you.
Recommendations appear in your notifications bar.
Connections are your friends and colleagues on Book Country who you have allowed additional access to your work. Accepting a Connection request lets that member read all of the fiction you’ve posted (there is no word limit). Connections can also view who you are Connected to, as well as the books, People, Discussions, and Industry Topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
Following is a way to casually keep in touch with a person on Book Country. By Following a person, you will receive updates on their public activities on the site, such as uploading a new book or responding to a discussion. People you Follow can’t see your Connections, make Recommendations to you, or see that you are Following them.
Private books cannot be read by site visitors or community members. Private books do not appear on the Genre Map or in searches. Some writers may choose to temporarily make a book private during revisions or while meeting with agents and publishers.
You can repost a private book to make it visible again. All comments and ratings will be saved.
Writers can Delete their books at any time, for any reason. On rare occasions, the Book Country staff may Delete a book for copyright violations. Deleted books are completely removed from Book Country, along with all comments and reviews. Deleted books cannot be recovered.
Locked Discussions are discussions that can still be read but cannot accept new responses. Discussions can only be locked by a Book Country administrator.
As a community for writers and readers, we want our members to receive thoughtful and constructive feedback on their work. Book Country Peer Reviews are designed to help writers improve in their chosen craft.
You must be a member to rate and review. Members can review a book once per draft. Each review has several sections:
Share your general thoughts on the book. Did the writer categorize the book accurately on the Genre Map? Were you engaged by the material? What really worked and what needs work? Comment on whatever else you like.
When uploading a book, writers can select two areas on which they’d like guidance. Provide more detailed feedback based on these criteria.
Give each section a star rating from 1 to 5. This will help us determine how the book compares to others in the community. Your must rate each section to save your review. But remember, star ratings are not just a scale of bad to good; it’s also a scale from rough draft to polished manuscript.
It’s easy to work on your review over a period of time with our “Save for Later” feature. Please be aware, though, that if you have a review saved and the writer of the book changes his/her feedback criteria, the feedback that you’ve inputted for any old criteria will be automatically removed. Additionally, if the writer uploads a new draft of the book, your review will be lost. So don’t sit on it too long!
When writing your review of a published book, please bear in mind that the author is not longer revising the project. For example, you may want to write your review as if you are giving your opinion to other potential readers.
Heads up! By Connecting with this person, you are allowing this user to view your other Connections, see who you’re Following, and read your complete books. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections, and make Recommendations to them.
The other user must accept your Request to make the Connection official.
Done! You have sent a recommendation to .
Click the left arrow to view the previous page.
Click the right arrow to view the next page.
Write a review of the book.
Use page tools to customize your experience and jump to sections of the book.
Are you sure you want to sign out?
It's easy! Upload chapters at your own pace or your entire book if it's ready. Make changes any time you like.
Everyone contributes at Book Country. After you provide three peer reviews, you can share your work with the community.
Book Country is a supportive community of fiction writers and readers who offer constructive feedback to help you improve your craft.
Our members include published authors and industry professionals. You never know who might discover your work.
This is a DRM eBook. Digital Rights Management (DRM) is a technology that is used to protect copyrights in the digital environment. This eBook is encrypted and MAY NOT BE PRINTED or otherwise reproduced.
It is the decision of a Book Country author to employ DRM to limit distribution, sharing, or copying of his or her work.
This file is in "Adobe reader" format and will require the Adobe Digital Editions (ADE) software - a free download. Please be sure to install ADE before downloading your eBook. .ascm is the file extension used by Adobe Digital Editions to read DRM eBooks--such as ePub or PDF. Please refer to the Adobe Digital Editions help site for more information: http://www.adobe.com/products/digitaleditions/help
Apple Products such as the iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch do not currently support the Adobe Digital Editions DRM used in the Adobe and ePub formats that are available on our site.
Downloading your eBook is simple; click on the "download this eBook" link from your Smart Receipt or email confirmation and then follow the step-by-step directions that are presented on screen.
RadEditor - please enable JavaScript to use the rich text editor.