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In Somnion, men don't have magic anymore. Legends say that they displeased the gods, and that their magical gifts were taken away as punishment--but the gods left magic in nature as a reminder of what men lost. This world is home to Grey, a deserted soldier from the King's Steel in Lumina, and to Kayden, who defies legend with the dragon blood that runs in his veins and gives him the ability to control fire. When these two men come together, Kayden's need for protection on his journey north provides the perfect cover for Grey to hide from any who might try to track him down after his desertion--and a way to earn a personal sense of redemption for abandoning the kingdom where his loyalty still lies.
I took this story down for a long time while I fought with it, but it's been through some revisions and I'm pretty happy with the results so far. I really respect reviews that give commentary on your reading experience. Is there a place where you were bored? I'd love to know. If you lose interest or decide not to read further, it's especially helpful for me to know where and why. Thank you!
First, I like the title and your description of what the story is about--important first steps from a marketing perspective! I stumbled when I got to the opening pages, though, so that's what stopping me from continuing to read (see below).
First line: "being a" breaks up the quick, active voice of "I'm not cut out for" and I stumbled. "I'm not cut out for this" maybe? LOVE THIS OPENING PREMISE--it's a great change from the skilled thief! This opening passage a little tricky for me because I'm seeing different verb tenses in the first three sentences. I know it seems nitpicky, and too soon for critique, but actually this is how I get to know your character--and I'm not sure. On the one hand, "I'm not cut out for being a criminal" and on the other "My hands fist around Defender's hilt." By holding a named sword, he suggests he is familiar with it. I'm confused about what he knows how to do and what he doesn't. Then all of a sudden he's firing arrows with great skill. When you suggested he wasn't good at criminal activity, I guess I jumped straight to, "He's not good at sneaking, fighting, etc." So the multiple weapons and skill catch me off-guard.
Looking at the opening chapters only, I think you can keep the basic concept but speed it up--I really like how you punctuate dialogue with assessments of Kayden's increasingly bad state, for example. Great suspense build-up there. Then the action slows, kind of confusing to me how the guard handles things and why I don't find out they've got a surgeon on the way for several paragraphs. If Kayden is known to the guards and/or a "safe" person, it seems this should come first, and suspicion about his companion second. That's when I'm ready to hear about that part. Then he runs away, even though it sounds like he has a life-threatening wound. I'm wondering if Kayden should be hanging over Grey's shoulder in their flight through the market (not really--but I'm just saying this is what the wound suggested to me). Better, he should cauterize the wound back in the alley before the guard arrives. I'm tired of guards by this point and ready to skip ahead to a totally different scene. I wouldn't even miss a lot of the little evasions through the market. It seems to take forever for them to get through it. I'm still asking myself, "What's the story? What are these two guys going to do together?" So I want to get to the answer to that question ASAP. I would start there in any revisions of the opening. As a reader I'd be willing to stick with the escape for one chapter, but then I want the last lines of the chapter or first lines of the next chapter to tell me exactly why I should stick with the story, the hook. You might try reading the opening chapter of Lynn Flewelling's Luck in the Shadows as a great example of a similar concept (your concept is distinct from hers, but she opens with an escape of two strangers who meet by coincidence).
I know I'm reading a later draft than the previous reviewers did, but I'm genuinely puzzled by the 3-star and lower ratings. For the most part, your prose is entirely professional -- a few hitches here and there, a vague pronoun reference during the fight scene in chapter 12, but for the most part as good as a lot of the writing that's on bookstore shelves. Similarly, your storytelling abilities are very polished, and you do a great job building an original setting with implications instead of exposition, and cultural symbols like Kayden's metal passport and Grey's adoption of the Loner's Fool disguise. Some of the fight staging could be clearer, and you might be advised to create a greater sense of these cities having a loud hustle and bustle that can cover the noise of alleyway combat in broad daylight. But overall, this is easily the best novel excerpt I've read on Book Country to date. I will say that Grey's youth and his notable lack of a killer instinct give the book a little more of a YA fantasy feel than a traditional fantasy one, but I don't know that I would consider that a problem.
Extremely solid right from the start. The first scene immediately engages both my curiosity and my sympathy with respect to Grey, and once the fighting is done, I quickly appreciate the sense of mystery that surrounds Kayden. Despite his kindly, pacifistic philosophy, I'm not entirely certain I trust him, and I'm keen to find out whether there's actually a very good reason for the Ashingsbanes to be hunting the Ashingsbloods. When Shara appears, she adds a further dimension to the story, with her own, entirely different sense of mystery and distinct personality. You've created in all three characters people who are likeable and engaging, whose basic natures seem clear and yet whose details have a layered feel to them, an implication of a great deal more to be revealed.
Although the plot moves more slowly than a lot of readers will prefer, your writing makes me trust you as an author, and I see plenty of threads being woven to give me confidence that this is all going somewhere. There's a purposeful atmosphere to the way events unfold, and it held on to me through the entire excerpt.The one part of the story I didn't care as much for was the battle in chapter 11 & 12. I don't buy the heroes' ability to disengage from the battle at the start of chapter 12. They're in pitched hand-to-hand combat with an even number of opponents, and two more enemies show up, and yet they're able to just grab their packs and run? You haven't described the landscape and strategic positions well enough for me to believe this is possible. I also don't like the stop-and-start, should-we-or-shouldn't-we hitch in the fight scene, nor Grey's finickiness about killing their opponents. He's a soldier, and these people are attacking him with lethal force. He really needs to be fighting to kill them, because swords just aren't good weapons for subduing opponents, and waiting for a chance to knock someone out is a potentially fatal waste of time. The action is intense, and has a pulse-pounding, visceral quality to it. But the psychology and the staging aren't quite plausible to me. Nor do I buy it when Grey and Kayden conclude in chapter 13 that their enemies were trying to capture them. If you want to capture someone in a medieval world, you go after them with nets and clubs, not swords. And if you must try to capture someone with a sword, you do it by aiming your weapon to disarm them and disable their limbs, which would make it clear during the fight, and wouldn't require the good guys to puzzle it out later.I'll take a guess at part of where this is all going. You've hinted at a theme of lost identity for Grey, and Kayden is clearly on a grand quest of some kind, so I'm thinking that the hero's journey in this book involves Grey regaining himself as a result of his attachment to Kayden's mission. I think that theme of a life's purpose being lost and then rekindled as something new is a terrific one, and I hope you build on it as the story moves forward.
Part of the problems I see with this stem from your knowing the story too well. Because of that you won’t tell the reader the things that seem obvious to you. Couple that with your using first person point of view as license to talk about the story rather than tell it in real time, and important things get missed. Remember, you have intent to drive your understanding. The reader has only your words. Here are the things that jumped out at me as I read:• Selenas’ skin slips through my fingersWhat can this mean to me? It could mean that the speaker is losing their grip and Selenas is about to fall and die. It could mean that the speaker is holding a snake’s skin. And if we are talking about a human the skin in question could be anywhere on the body. So what has the first line given me? Confusion.• but she turns back to me anyway,Anyway? I don’t know in what way she slipped away, or if it was her idea. I don’t know why the speaker thinks she wouldn’t want to turn to face him/her. You know, because you’re thinking cinematically. You can visualize it. But you’re whispering impressions of that vision into a recorder, then typing them and slipping the notes to me. Would you enjoy the latest film were it given to you that way?• I flex my hand around Defender’s hilt and scratch the whiskers growing too long on my jawOkay, this person, whose gender we still don’t know, was asked a one word question because in some way her skin slipped through the speaker’s fingers. So, we don’t know why she asked. And in response, the character flexes his hand. Why? Damned if I can tell. Is this person thinking of slicing her? Can’t tell. And why does the question make what now appears to be a “he” rub his whiskers? I have not a clue. But both the flex and the rub must be important, because you mentioned them, though I can’t tell why.I know this is hard to take, because you worked very hard on this, and put a great deal of yourself into it. But what I’ve said has nothing to do with your talent or potential. Nor does it relate to the story.Here’s the problem: In our primary education years we took math. Did that make us a Mathematician? No. Did history class make us a Historian? How about Biologist?Of course we’re not a pro in any of those fields. Why then, would we believe that the general writing skills we learn there make us Writers? Because the name of the skill and the profession are the same? Were that true and train engineer could design the locomotive he or she drives.My point is that there’s a huge body of craft that will help the writer excite the reader—if we learn it. There are specialized techniques, professional knowledge, and tricks of the trade to be mastered. And the difference in readability is astounding. It’s the difference between having a hobby and a profession.So how can you get your hands on that body of craft? That’s easy. And as a bonus, if you truly are meant to be a writer you’ll find the learning fascinating, and filled with, “Why didn’t I see that for myself?”Start with these articles:http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phphttp://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.htmlThey will show you a few tricks that will help get you off stage and the reader on. They’ll take some thinking, practice, and rereading. But if, in the end, they make sense, dig up a copy of Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict (http://www.gryphonbooksforwriters.com/home/gmc.htm) It takes those ideas and both expands and clarifies them.Hang in there, and keep on writingJay GreensteinSamantha and the BearWizardsForeign EmbassyMe: http://www.jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/about
I wish I could say something positive, but we never get to know what motivates the character. Yes, he soes things, but we don't know either what motivated him to act or the decision-making process.
I can't say much, because reading is like a hiking trail If there are ankle turning rocks, and washouts, who has time or inclination to look at the view?
This is an ambitious story written with some skill and utilizing a rather unique voice (first person present) that will either set it apart or make it very difficult to publish. The basic level of writing is high and strikes a fine balance between good descriptive prose and solid dialogue. That said, there are some plot and pacing issues that need to be addressed. Technically it's very good assuming the reader isn't bothered by the unusual tense. Personally, I can't see much point to it unless you're striving for some high concept twist with the protagonist and his perception of the world. I'll withhold judgement.
The basic plot appears to be solid if not hugely original. Unfortunately, we don't learn enough about Grey to get a handle of where his story might be going. I'd like to see some better explanation of some of the words and terms used. For example, some detail on what a Loner's Fool actually is would help the reader understand the reason for Grey dressing so outlandishly.
For me, the story development was somewhat slow. A more leisurely pace is fine, but I think we need to learn more about Grey and his character to balance out the description and world building. The fairies and such are not particularly creative material and so the reader is waiting for something interesting to happen once we're outside the city.
Love the first opening line "I hate feeling like a criminal" but after that there was so much description for what felt like not that much action- up until they leave the watch house. I understand you are trying to make the reader able to see your world but maybe put in a little dialogue earlier- or potentially change the POV. With all the description right now it reads almost more like 3rd person instead of first. Also- it sounds like a female narrator instead of a male narrator- I actually keep forgetting it is a male. Would you consider changing it to a female protagonist? Or even a female dressed as a man?
Once you got a little more into it it was much more interesting- I like the part about the spirits. Also the part about the main character Grey getting in disguise as the fool. Although I had a hard time really picturing it- right now I see a almost naked man with no hair and purple lines drawn all over him. Maybe can he see a reflection of himself in a lake or something so he can better describe how he looks? Really nice way of building up to the Ashingsblood looking for the dragon- really grabbed my attention. I am really curious about the Ashings and what happened to Kayden's brother- also what the main character did.
After a little bit of a slow start I definitely wanted to keep reading. Especially by the end- I was sad to see that I had reached the end. It really picked up speed near the last bit but probably needs a little more at the start.
The general idea - a buddy story, two outlaws who join forces to escape punishment/complete a mission -- is good. However, they are mismatched. We learn why Kayden is hiding and running before too long, and what he wants to accomplish, but I am pretty far into the story and still don't know much about the main character. I know from your synopsis that he is a deserter, but from the story itself I have no idea why he is running from the authorities.That said, you have definite strengths as a writer, and I was interested enough to keep reading -- and I tend to stop reading quickly, if my attention flags.
I think the idea behind the plot is good, but as I wrote above, you need to somehow get the main character's motivations clearer sooner. Also, it is odd that someone in mortal danger of being apprehended by the authorities would take the time to save a stranger from five attackers. I know that you need this to happen to get the story going, but perhaps you could provide some sort of reason for it.
Overall, strong. Begins with lots of action. By the time the two characters are camping and learning about each other, though, it slows down a bit and also gets somewhat confusing. How many days have passed? Why is the main character just tagging along with Kayden?
Chatper One:I feel that there are too many unanswered questions here; Grey, Kayden, the Clouded Mountain People, Fivemark, Defender, Magic, etc. and with this it sounds like other traditional fantasies that I have read before, chapter one didn't really grab hold of me but I will read on.Chapter TwoI'm kind of confused as to whether or not Kayden creates the fire in the watchmen's post. I'm going to assume that he did but why was no one else interested in the fire; the other watchmen outside, no one. Seems kind of hollywood; and running away with a man that is shorter than you while you are supporting most of their weight, unlikely to get away. And I think by now Grey figures that Kayden possesses some magical power but is not the least taken back by that or even afraid even though magic has been lost in the land.Chapter Four:Is Four Chapter 4 or just a continuation of the last conversation is chapter 3? Chapter 4 and no real inclination of who Grey is or Kayden for that matter, Ashingsblood and flower people. More questions that have to be revisited that could be explained here in this chapter, no reason to do it later.
I haven't figured out what the plot is yet, a criminal who we don't know about and given a fake name teams up with an also unknown character that has magic and is being chased by flower people.
The pace moves too quickly without developing the characters first.
Absolutely loved the story. Will definitely look forward to reading more. Only problem I had was the fivemark. After reading to the end of 5 I still am not certain what a fivemark is.
As far as your plot goes I have no qualms. Cannot wait to read more.
Pacing was perfect. I loved the fact that it immediately started with the battle. You kept me enthralled to the end.
Hi Karrie,You're good with the action beats and that's rare in my online reading experience. You keep things spare, and it's clear and compelling. And your plot is simple and uncontrived and maintains it's momentum through 4 chapters, though at the moment it's driven by Kayden's story much more than by Grey's.Where is Grey headed at the top of the story? We never find out. It hardly seems to matter, even to Grey. You miss some good opportunities for inner conflict by never mentioning his plans. Your MC needs a plan, so the plot can get in his way. If he has no plans, or his plans are vague, when the plot comes along there's no tension and it's like someone narrating a dream they had--one thing after another after another.Human beings are obsessed with the future--or more precisely, *their own* future. We plan and we scheme and act upon our expectations. Even the most serene warrior, committed to living in the moment has intentions, plans, a mission, his loyalties. But your narrator remains steadfastly in observer mode, even of himself. We know next to nothing about him, even after 4 chapters. What's his game? What's he want? Where's he need to be? It makes him come across as very passive. He rarely thinks about anything other than what's right in front of him. It weakens the pov significantly. Makes it feel like a stunt rather than a natural outgrowth of the narrative.You write, "What am I doing? Aproaching someone else's fight? I have enough trouble all my own." This is the sort of thing I'm talking about--introspection and anticipation, which you'll need a lot more of to make 1st/present really sing--but in context it's all wrong. I started this review Saturday night before your latest new draft (fyi: when you post a new draft, anyone who was writing a review of your book loses everything they wrote), before you added this bit. I think the scene read much stronger without it. The big trouble with it is that it comes accross as dithering. When you come upon someone surrounded by armed men and who is likely as not to die in the next 15 seconds, who has time to dither about the wisdom of intervening or staying out of it? In a moment like that you just find out what kind of person you are and act--you jump in, or you slink away.In first person and particularly first person/present, the most immediate setting of the book is the narrator's consciousness--the pov itself is a part of the setting you need to show us: Grey's intentions, his hopes and fears, his regrets and obsessions.In short: his character! Your Grey is oddly free of these things. He mentions that he has troubles but in 1st/present we should know what they are--or more precisely, we should know what *he thinks* they are--because they are what's on his mind. And in 1st/present, what's on the MC's mind *is* the subject of your book. To pull off 1st/present, you need to have an exceptionally interesting MC. He can't just be...there. He needs to take center stage and never let go, or the reader will get very tired of him and wish he would leave. The MC of a first person narrative needs to be a great talker, someone you wouldn't mind listening to for hours on end. Grey just isn't there yet.In your second paragraph, "muscles tense" and "my hand fists around Defender's hilt until the tendons stand out..." are, to my mind, too external for 1st/present. When writing 1st/present you need to ask yourself, "Would I--if I were a big strapping warrior with a sword in a medieval fantasy world--ever say 'x' about myself?" Would a person say "my muscles are tense" in a tense moment or "I walk into the doctor's office, muscles tense...?" Or would you say, "I'm tense" and "as I walk into the doctor's office I'm really tense?" Now, see, I'm advocating that you "tell" in this case and not "show," aren't I? That's one of the things about 1st/present and stream of consciousness writing: there's a lot of what looks like "telling" going on but because the narrator's consciousness is a part of the environment--really, it's the whole environment because all other settings are mediated by the MC's consciousness--this telling is actually *showing* in that you're showing us *how the MC thinks.* If *how your MC thinks* is not terribly important to you, or not particularly interesting or worth mentioning, then 1st/present may not be your best choice of pov. When you insert comments that *nobody* would actually think about themselves in order to be more "showing" you end up violating the pov and weakening its realism--see what I'm saying?When Grey narrates, "My hand fists around Defender's hilt until the tendons stand out..." I gotta wonder, would anyone in a moment like that be looking down at their hand to notice the tendons? Is that the most important detail for Grey's consciousness to be focusing on? If not, it breaks pov."I turn my shoulder against the wall and glance around the corner--and jerk away from how close the watchman has gotten." This is a much stronger pov sentence. Grey feels very much in his body and in his environment here."My breathing slows, but a low, slightly irregular rhythm takes its place in my ears." Okay, "my breathing slows" is an odd thing to comment on in 1st/present pov. In the moment, people seldom think about their breathing unless there's something quite wrong, or they're trying to control it. To just notice it and describe it is external and passive in the bargain. Your urge to *show* is undermining the realism of your pov. And, since we're here, it kinda breaks character as well, because maintaining steady, even breathing is central to the craft of the swordsman. So you could greatly improve the writing and the pov by describing him as slowing his breathing intentionally. Same thing with his hand tightening on his sword until his tendons pop/knuckles go white/etc. A trained swordsman knows he must keep a light but firm hold of his weapon--it's a matter of survival. If a real swordsman were to notice that he was gripping his sword so tightly, he'd have to do something about it immediately, shake it out, stretch, calm himself, something."...his staff blurring with speed." This is verging on redundant because something blurring would be understood to be going fast."Almond skin?" Almond skin is hard for me to picture because there are two colors associated with almonds in my mind--the dark, ruddy tone of the skin and the pale, latte color of the meat."Heat rushes to my fingertips..." When you say "heat" do you mean "blood?" "Blood rushes to my fingertips?" Heat is a very impersonal word compared with blood. And personal, immediate, vivid, is the name of the game in 1st/present. If it were me, I'd feel the blood rushing to my fingertips as the most immediate sensation. Heat is an abstraction."'Back down,' I command." "'Stop,' I command." First of all, too many "command's" in toos short a time and second of all, it feels a little self-aggrandizing in first person--like some self-important lordling who expects his every word to be followed."The air rushes from her lungs and she..." Here, we have kind of the opposite problem: you use pretty intimate terms to describe the experience of a stranger. If it were me, I'd stay focused on the MC and talk about "me" knocking the wind out of her."I clasp Defender's sheath and search for a safe place to rest my gaze." Why is it unsafe for him to look at anything? "They wanted him to put out the fire, but it doesn't make sense. Men don't have magic anymore." This pretty much screams exposition. It's too matter of fact. If you saw a man in full plate armor riding a heavy warhorse down a city street would you think to yourself, "How odd, people haven't ridden on warhorses since the Middle Ages?" I would expect your MC to be shocked, maybe leap to some serious denial and search his mind for far more reasonable explanations than that a man made magical fire appear out of nowhere. At the very least he could imagine that the man was a stage magician--afterall, the flame didn't consume the barrels, so couldn't it be an illusion of some kind?Are the watch just gonna let a man bleed out in their custody? I'm distracted by Kayben's wound. If the wound hit an artery, he'd be dead by now. It seems an awfully serious wound for no one to do anything about it until they're well away from the watch station.And do the watch really let Grey keep his sword inside the watch station? That's a deadly weapon. Are Grey and Kayden under arrest or what? "...but his skin is uncomfortably hot, like he's fevered." It's not "like" he has a fever. That's how we tell if someone has a fever: their skin is hot to the touch, no?"I bury my fists inside my elbows..." "...in the notch or crook of my elbows..." might work better. As it stands, it sounds as if his fists are actually inside his elbows. I know what you meant to say, but the phrasing is awkward."...and moves his hands to his thigh with the hesitant, hovering quality of a man who knows better than to touch the wound." This is an obvious statement acting like a fancy metaphor. He's not moving his hands "with the hesitant, hovering quality of a man who knows better than to touch the wound" because he *is* such a man. And who doesn't know they should be delicate with their wounds? It's a lot of words to say nothing special. And I'm still really worried that no one has stopped the bleeding before now. Y'know, it might be a really good idea for Kayden to cauterize his wound there in the alley immediately after the fight. That would be enough proof for Grey to be convinced that this man can control fire magically. Then the watchman could come along. I don't see any reason to hold off on this revelation until after they escape custody either.34% in, "'A fire?" Kayden's frame goes rigid beside me." The way you phrase this, it makes it sound as if Kayden said, "A fire?" Something like this might be clearer: "'A fire?' Kayden's frame goes rigid at the sound of the watchman's words. They seemed to hint at more than a mundane fire burning in an alley. "Was anything else burned?""...the only watchman in sight has the relaxed, slighty bored stance of a man at a post." Here you do that pretend metaphor thing again. The watchman has the relaxed, slightly bored stance of a man at a post precisely because he's at his post, right? 48% in, "He leaves the blade, doesn't move save to breathe..." What do you mean "leaves?" He leaves it where?"I turn my face away until the shift of movement in my periphery tells me he's finished." Is he squeemish? Has he never seen a wound cauterized before? Karrie, I'm having a hard time with Grey's character. He's not reading like an experienced swordsman. He hyperventilates, he holds onto his sword with a death grip, he can't stand the sight of blood, he dithers when lives are at stake...what's going on?53% in, "But there's still the feverish heat of his skin." It's not "fever-ish" it's an actual fever.56% in, "The humor helps ease some of the tension." This is stating the obvious. You can show us that the tension is relieved by the humor, no?"'If you think I'm a mess, you should see yourself...'" I thought when Kayden looked Grey up and down he was implying that Grey's stature and his obvious ethnicity would call attention to himself, not that he was "a mess." I would think that in a medieval market all sorts of people would look "a mess," no?67% in, "...exhaustion slipping into the slight drag of his boots and staff..." The slight drag of his boots would suggest exhaustion without having to say so, no?78% in, "'I trust what I see. You have helped me when it would have been easier to leave me. And you are honest."' Is Grey's honesty something he can see? I think that's going a bit too far. If he said, "I trust what I see. You have helpled me when it would have been easier to leave me. And you have been honest with me," it would make more sense, no?93% in, "My hand goes to the back of my neck, squeezing at the muscle. It feels like knotted rope." Muscles like knotted rope is pretty cliched. You're writing in the first person/present. Your MC needs to be a remarkably interesting person with a unique perspective worth our time. You can't get away with a cliche unless you're being cliched on purpose--or to be precise, you MC is being cliched on purpose.99% in, "...a smile sneaking to the corners of my mouth." This is the second time he's had a smile in the corners of his mouth.So Kayden has bread in the 4th chapter. Did he have it when Grey offered him his rations earlier? Wouldn't he have told Grey then that he needn't give away good food like that, when Kayden himself has plenty of food?I'm sorry to be bleeding all over your story like this, but most of it is just stuff that needs to be cleaned up and polished before you're done. I keep thinking that you just need to hunker down and take Grey's world seriously, dream yourself into it in as vivid terms as you can.
Okay Karrie,I'm most worried about the state of your voice right now, your novel's unique voice that will distinguish it from all the other fantasy novels out there. You use a lot of very repetative phrasing. If you do a search on the phrase "the wall," I wouldn't be surprised if it came up 20 or more times in the first three chapters. Everything seems to happen near a wall and every time there's a wall anywhere around, you tell us. It makes me wonder if you've really let the world of your novel sink in to your imagination. If you were to describe your own life and what I heard was "the wall, the wall, the wall" I'd have to guess that you lived in a prison or something. And that there was nothing else in your environment that called attention to itself.Even walls are not all the same: some are high, some are short, some are stone, brick, wood, or clay. Some have high windows and some are slick with something best not investigated.You use Kayden's breath to characterize him most of the time and note the state of Grey's breathing pretty often as well. It's a mannerism. The more you repeat an image, or a way of describing someone, the less real they seem. And Grey isn't the only one who holds his sword so hard his knuckles go white. You describe Kayben holding his staff in exactly the same terms."His knuckles pale as he clutches his staff...""My knuckles whiten on Defender's hilt."Do a search on the word "shoulders," too. You mention practically everyone's shoulders and way too many actions begin with the shoulders. Check it out.So your environments and your characters actions fall into these paterns. You need to describe Grey's world to us in much more vivid terms. I don't get the feeling that this is something you can just clean up. It feels like you have to rethink how you're telling this story to stop these repetitions.I barely know that we're in a medieval fantasy world. And what I know of it at this point is pretty typical. You mention a llama at one point and it's completely distracting because it's the only thing that particularizes your world as far as the eye can see. I have a fever and the only prescription is more llama!Agents and publishers want to fall in love with the books they choose to champion. You need to get into your world so deeply that we're sucked in along with you.
Your pacing is solid. You lead us logically from scene to scene, for the most part. You may find as you beef up your description and vary the action a bit more, that your pacing suffers for a while as you settle into a richer version of your world, but I don't doubt that you'll be able to tighten things up later.Good luck with this piece. I hope you keep working on it. I've said a lot and I've given you my best arguments for my way of thinking. That doesn't mean I'm right about any of it. If anything I've said here doesn't ring true for you and what you want out of your book, then, please, don't worry about it--just ignore it. Some guy on the internet had an opinion. Yawn. :)Thanks for sharing your story with me.-Kevin
Greetings!The rewrite has really, really done this good. There is a world of improvement here. The reading was much smoother, the voice was -dramatically- improved, and you're setting wasn't sacrificed at all. Really, stellar improvement.That said, there are a few things I think that will need done before this gets up to four or five stars. First, I still didn't get a good mental image of Grey. I know this will be really hard, but I think if you nail this down slid into your introductions, you'll really be able to improve this even more.I am giving you three stars overall. There are still sections where it feels like you're still trying to find your voice, and a few hiccups, but I think with some polish, you'll be well on your way.
The voice is definitely, definitely improved. A much smoother read, and a much more compelling read. Be careful when blending your past and present tenses -- your shifting through them works pretty well. It lets you get the immediacy of present while also adding the flexibility of past. I don't usually like tense shifting, but you make this work. It will need streamlining and a LOT of careful observation on your part, but if you keep balancing it, I do think you can make it work.This is MUCH better than the voice on your first round. Rewriting really let you get this whipped into much nicer shape.I don't want to make specific suggestions on your voice -- it is yours, but I would keep hammering at it, it does feel like you're starting to find a voice that works well for your style of writing.I am giving this three stars. There is room for improvement, and you've demonstrated you have the drive to get those improvements done. But, I think you can do even better with even more work.
Pacing is definitely MUCH better in this chapter. You nailed the immediacy this go around, and you are able to almost blend past and present tenses in a non-jarring manner which works well for your presentation. The chapter sped along, moving from one conflict to the next and ending the chapter with a good cliff-hanger. There are a few spots where the writing gets a little less fluid, which is what kept this back from being a five star in this category. Good job!Seriously, I have a great deal of respect for any writer who falls off the horse, grits their teeth, gets back on and rides again. You've definitely done this tackling this as a rewrite. Good work.
Greetings!I really like the premise of this story. In the first chapter, you present an immediate conflict, which let me care a little what was going on the character. However, after the initial conflict is resolved, I felt like there was nothing really driving the story forward. There was no major overlying conflict that was defined enough for me to really sink my teeth into. I would consider having Grey's fears of discovery and the sword take a little more of the front stage and have immediate conflicts with this happening right from the start. After you rescue Kayden, I felt that the story's pacing really slowed down. I had a very difficult time following the piece and keeping interested in what was going on.Overall, I am giving this story 2 stars. There is a great deal of promise, but I think that the pacing needs quite a bit of work before I would purchase it in a book store.Also, I had no mental image of Grey throughout these chapters. I was honestly under the impression he was actually a she until Kayden mentioned Grey's gender. While first can be very immediate, I think you need to make Grey more aware of himself in order to really make this work.
I admit I had some trouble with your basic voice. It was a difficult read for me. First-past can sometimes hold and keep my attention, but first-present was very difficult for me to swallow. I didn't feel the immediacy that you were looking for. I found myself distracted as I was reading, between word choice and tense choice, which made me struggle to continue on. I think the basics of a good story are here, but I wanted to see a lot more of the internals that set first apart from third. I also think that you need to take a more active voice to make this work. I think that you could show us a lot of what you tell us, which may be what is needed to break free of the passive voice and go to a more active one.For example, you tell us that "This isn't some friendly practice match." -- you would be served far better if you showed us the combatants instead. You tell us that they chose the site for a reason. Both of these things you could show us and bring out a lot more of the character and the story.Overall, I am giving this category 2 stars, as I feel this will make or break your story. If you use present tense and cut the telling, I think that you will be able to possibly turn this into a really engaging read. Right now, I feel there is a lot of work to be done, but it is entirely possible to pull off with hard work.
The setting was one of your stronger points. There is a lot more that could be done, but I was able to get a reasonable mental image of what was going on, as well as the characters other than Grey. I wasn't confused by your culture, or by how the world was laid out. I would have enjoyed a more immediate sense of the area -- stronger interactions between the POV character and his surroundings. This would help a little, I think.I am giving this category 3 stars. I think your setting will also benefit from efforts to use more showing and less telling through the piece.I hope this helps a little -- please let me know if you have any questions, and I will be happy to answer them as I can.
Overall you have a good start to the story. The main character needs a bit more details woven in, so the reader can imagine the character more clearly. All I got was his skin color from the two chapters. Your writing is good and polished. I did not notice any errors with words or punctuation.POV is done well and your tense is stable. The story is intriguing and I want to know more about the world they are in, and why "Grey" is on the run. However some of the terms were confusing and could be explained sooner than they were. Nice original concept. Well done.
The voice is compelling and very strong. It drew me into the story. I could tell the MC was a strong person, kind and brave. A good person even though he is on the run.
The setting is described vividly when it is mentioned, however more details could be used. You do a great job to set the current picture, but is hard to figure out what things look like.For example the sunset and the mountains was great, but what the heck does the inn look like?Also could use more senses. You got touch, see, hear, but not so much of smell.
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