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Kittrina McLaughlin spent years as the captive of a cult known as the Brethren of Eternal Life never knowing the reason for her capture. After escaping from the Father and his supernaturally powered followers, she's made a normal life for herself - until she meets the tall, muscled, and devastatingly attractive Evan Cameron. Strange heat floods her body when they touch. When she dreams of him, a mark appears- a Celtic symbol swirling with color, just above her heart. But bone-jarring lust, mystical heat, and spontaneous dream tattoos aren't the only problems she's got - she's still being hunted by her childhood abductor. Kit discovers she's descended from Druids. If she mates with Evan, then the genetic lock that hides their abilities will be opened, and they'd become full Druids - powerful, immortal, and bound together for eternity. Kit is deathly afraid of magic after all she's been through. Can she trust Evan, and her heart, in time to save them both from the Father's greed?
Thanks to any and all for opinions given! This manuscript is currently in the "revise" portion of a revise & resubmit for two publishers. I'm looking for tough but fair critiques, and please don't forget to let me know what you do like as well as what you don't! Many thanks for opinions given. Gina M. Lamm
...Chapter 3 made me want to die inside. Not in a bad way. In a "Oh my god, please hurry up and post more" way. haha! Anyways. This is a great story so far! I have things to say about the plot...so I'll deal with that in a bit. :) Your characters are very interesting. Especially Kit. God, I felt for her. I gotta say, I'm really curious as to how she developed her life after that year. I, personally,would've liked to see the way she changed. Because we saw her from one extreme to the next. After a huge trauma, it usually takes a bit more time for someone to get over the whole traumatic ordeal. They're still flinching and stuff. I'd really try concentrating on the realism of it. I mean, how long had she been with the Brethren anyways? Since she was a kid, right? That's a lot of trauma to get over. Just a little heads up. :) All in all, though, I would really love to read more!
This is a very intriguing idea. A very unique plot, really. It takes the whole Illuminati thing and twists it into this paranormal fantasy ride that is rocking so far!I'm wondering where you're going to lead it, truth be told. I mean...we know the Brethren are some nasty people. We also know some have powers. But right now everyone is such a mystery we're not sure what to know. I mean, after all the years that Kit's been with them...she's never heard ANYTHING in regards to what they wanted from her? If she was brave enough to escape, wouldn't she be brave enough to overhear what some of them are planning? Who the hell are these Brethren folks? hahaha. I so hate them and want them to lose!
So far, so good! Especially since we were able to see her escape and such. Though, I wish we had a little more time with the Brethren...but I guess that's what the flashbacks are for, yeah? :) I'm torn when it comes to your pace, too. haha. I wish we could pick up speed and deal with what's to come...but I kind of hope you're going to slow down to really tackle the situations you're presenting us with.
There is not much that needs critiquing, it is really well written. the comments I make will be little things...At the bottom of 28% you refer to the driver of the bus as Joey, without letting us know how she got his name. Maybe she asked him earlier, or maybe she got the information telepathically. Obviously she has some sort of power, so it makes me wonder. You also say "he is genuinely concerned about the half-dead looking girl", this sounds like a thought from his head. Again, this makes me wonder if she reads his mind.At 37% you say "I couldn't move couldn't breathe," I think you may want a comma there, or something.Okay, this is a major issue with me when someone writes in first person. It is hard at times giving information away (or not giving it away) without the POV looking a little idiotic. At 53%, I don't know why she doesn't realize her rescuer used magic to influence Brandon. I, as a reader, already know that its magic. This girl, (do we know her name yet?) has been around magic for a long time and she doesn't understand what just happened? I don't buy it. I can understand if she was surprised by it, but she should be quicker on the draw.At 55%, why does her rescuer ask if she wanted to go with them. The girl just stated that they were pure evil. Not a big deal, just doesn't fit in the conversation really.I don't know if this is on purpose, so if it is then ignore this comment. On 59%, the rescuer (still don't know anyone's name), says, "He's the one ran with it." It sounds like it needs a 'that'.Sorry, you did give the girl a name, I just forgot. Maybe a few more reminders in the beginning.Despite all my comments, I think this is really good. I will follow your book, and will look forward to reading more:)
I'm intrigued with the plot after chapter 1. If I were in a store I would buy this book.
Pacing is great in chapter 1. Personally, I would have liked a bit more suspense with the escape, but it was still good.
Overall I think it's good. Good luck with it.Points on editing: The odd indentation is a little distracting, I just mention it if it's intentional. I think it's more likely an artifact of formatting though.In Ch 2, Alyssa gave the suggested and he's the one *who* ran with it. She also ordered a pizza not the pizza since it wasn't mentioned before.
On the cell, a few books and TV would distract from swirling thoughts; sun, grass, and trees are scenery. I can see why she might want them, but not as a distraction at that moment.Her torture is vivid enough to explain her fear and get you firmly on her side without going overboard. Nice balance. That she doesn't even know why is a good mystery, I'm okay with that at this point in the book.
Pacing is great. It doesn't feel rushed and doesn't drag. Any questions that arise get answered before they have a chance to become a problem.
Just doing chapter one today. Good, tense opening line. Over all, this is well-written. However, I'm having trouble identifying with your character. Just because lots of bad things happen to her, doesn't promise that readers can connect with her. She's in a terrible situation, but I don't feel her closely enough to care. And it's so extreme, I can't relate to her on a human level. I think we need to get to know her a bit as a person before or during (maybe through flashbacks) before we can make that vital connection.
I'm pretty sure that knock out drugs don't work that fast except in movies. You might want to double check it. Otherwise, I don't see any holes in your plot.
Pacing is good--just enough highs and lows in the action.
I don't have much time this evening to review this, but I wanted to leave some feedback for your story. If you give me your email, I'll be willing to write a review more on what I read when I get a chance.Overall, this story has a LOT of promise and I'm liking the shape that this story is going. I like Kit, and I like reading about her adventures. However, the rest of this is just about chapter one.BTW: RJBlain recommended this story to me. That's really a compliment :) She knows talent when she sees it, and this has me hooked.
The way she escaped seemed a little too fast for me. If she's that injured after previous scene, she's not going to have that much strength to put the plunger in. Secondly, he has her arms. How did she grab the plunger and put it in his neck? When did her arms get free? You still have her arms captured as she did that motion. This is the part I'm referring to:"Oh, for christssakes," he muttered, and set the syringe on my nightstand. He put both arms behind my shoulders, preparing to lift my body into an sitting position. It was exactly what I was hoping for.I grabbed the syringe and stabbed it into the back of his neck as hard as I could. I shoved the plunger down all the way".This also leads into one other problem--if she has no strength, how could she pull him off her? I get the weak thing, but men are VERY heavy when limp. I can't lift mine up in bed, and that's with me being at full capacity. Just leaving some food for thought there.Just be careful not to make her constantly captured. This can get old.
Your pacing for chapter one is a little slow in the beginning when we are introduced to Kit. We do need a little info on her since this is a first person story, but I think that after the introduction, it moves a bit fast. The way she escaped seemed a little too fast for me.
Greetings!I don't have a lot of reader's experience with this genre type, but I'm going to give this the best stab that I can.Chapter One, Scene One ::I am not usually a fan of info dumps, especially not in the first scene, but I really like the setup. I really got a sense for the character, and I was able to feel sympathy for her right away. This is a very strong point to this section. That said, I was pretty confused on what sort of culture / society would have that sort of thing. I expect it will be explained later on, but it left me feeling a little adrift.Chapter One, Scene Two ::This scene has quite a lot of potential to be very, very powerful. However, there needs to be a lot of tightening here. There were sections throughout the scene where the action and tension was broken or hampered by word choice or lengthy sentences. You use shorter sentences for good effect towards the end, but I think your sentence lengths could use more general variation during this scene. You introduce and show a lot of good things about your story here, but I think it just needs to be taken those few extra steps forward to really make this scene work.Chapter One, Scene Three ::I really don't like the first sentence of this scene. Perhaps, "When I awoke, I was alone in my cell." -- short, sweet, to the point. This is too wordy in its current form.Also, your descriptions of the pain here feel too broad. I'd really like a more immediate feel of the character's pain. You had good sparks of it in the previous scene, and I'd like that tension and immediacy to carry over to here.Chapter One, Scene FourAt this point, I really, really, REALLY feel like a chapter break is REALLY necessary. Mentally, I'm exhausted. A lot has gone on, and you have the ideal break. Your character has obtained her freedom. She has moved from location A to location B. This really belongs in pacing, but it was so important that it got typed up here in the overall.Also, seeing as I haven't actually *read* the chapter yet, well.. there we go. Just throwing that out there.Ok, now that I've read this section, part of me can see why you kept it in chapter one, but the other part of me still stands strongly by moving it to Chapter two. Or, making that scene all alone a chapter. In general, it wasn't bad, but there were issues in the plot and pacing departments that helps me back from fully enjoying it. Writing style was stable throughout.Chapter Two ::Oh, glorious day! A one scene chapter. This makes me sound like I'm impaired between my ears, but it really came as a relief to me that there was a good resting point in the reading right away. (I don't like stopping to read during the middle of chapters.)There were a few things that made me scratch my head. I get where you are aiming at with Alyssa, but I'd really like to see a little more of the encounter with Brandon. Part of me hates saying this, but this chapter should really be two scenes.. one with the encounter with Brandon, one with them talking for pizza and setting up her existence in Williamston. I'm stopping with the second chapter -- this is where I would have naturally put the book down. Overall, I really feel that this story has a lot of promise. That said, I think it may need a rewrite in order to reach that full promise and potential. Your grasp of first person is very good, but there were too many instances where I was scratching my head or puzzling out potential plot holes. I felt like I should have been able to read through this faster, but there were enough places I had to stop and think about what you were writing that I wasn't able to get through as many of the chapters as I would have liked.Overall, due to the amount of work I feel may be needed to get this into publishing form, I'm giving it two stars overall -- don't let this discourage you. This is a rating of how close I feel it is to publication, not how talented you are as a writer. I don't want to give you high stars to say I think it is ready for publication when I think that it needs to have a few fixes to get to that point.I really do like the concept of this book, and I really want to see this book take flight. There are so many things that there is to love about this tale -- you're definitely showing a decent grasp of the writing craft, but I want to be sucked into this story and held without being let go. I want to journey with Kit and her troubles -- of which there are many -- and not look back and wonder how this could have come to be. I think with a little work, this will be a really great story.This is one of those reviews where I hate myself for giving it two stars, but I just can't bring myself to mark it up to three.
Chapter One, Scene One ::There are hints to a plot here! This is very promising. I don't know how the plots work in Romance compared to fantasy, but I see a captive girl in a bad situation and the girly side of me just went GLEE. I'm possibly a terrible person. There was just enough plot here to keep me interested and very curious as to what was going to happen next.Chapter One, Scene Two ::There is a lot of plot teasing here, as a reader, I'm quite satisfied with it. As a writer, there were a few things that bothered me about it -- while I like the references to magic and your goblin man, I felt that the actual goal of the ritual was still too much of a secret. A little exposition, an extra dropped hint or two -- might really help this scene come together.Chapter One, Scene Three ::I'm liking the resolve and the plot here -- Kit is finally taking things into her own hands, which I really approve of. Howwwweeevver, there were a few plot holes that are worth mentioning. First, Brandon is mentioned as to having pyschokinetic powers. I'm gonna hazard a guess that telepathy, empathy and the kin are likely running rampant in this compound. Why haven't they felt her presence from the force of her pain, her fear and her adrenaline? I would think this would be her like a great, shining beacon of energy to be noticed. Just a thought. I do like how you reveal the plot elements through the discussion. It felt rather natural.Chapter One, Scene Four :: I like that your character goes on a road trip. However, I question the destination sequence. Especially seeing as she was kitted out in escaped-from-hospital attire. I would consider switching the order of events here. Have her go to the goodwill first. Get changed. Then get the ticket, struggling to look normal.Second, Detroit to WilliamsBURG Viriginia doesn't seem like a trip that should take days... Greyhound.com states it takes 1 day. The way you write it, much longer. WilliamsTON north carolina is 1 day, 5 hours.If you want a multiple day trip, you're going to Texas. Anyone who knows road tripping is going to tear this plot point apart. Greyhound doesn't stop in a town that doesn't exist. <3(I actually checked because comin' from maryland, I had heard of williamsburg VA, williamsPORT PA and Williamston NC, but I hadn't heard of a Williamston VA.)Also, a few things... just how did Brandon follow her that quickly? I got the sense he was waiting outside of the bus depot -- not long after she gets off -- to track 'er down. Greyhound buses are pretty efficient, so unless he was taggin' her when he was with the Father, I'm not understanding just how he beat her there.The thought that the ticket lady was involved crossed my mind, but still... it does take time to pass things along, unless they're using telepathy / empathy to do it, and if they were, she should have been caught before leaving the compound. I think she should really be free for a little longer before the encounter with Brandon.Chapter Two ::The plot is really coming together -- we know what is going on, we have another psychic type in on the action in our hypnotist, and we know the hunt is on. We find out they guessed she took a bus, but they don't know which one. That said, it definitely seems contrived that Brandon just HAPPENED to go to the one that she went to... I would really consider having it be an underling who spots her and then lure Brandon over from there. There are a few other plot hiccups -- including how you present the girl on the bus for days, yet her wounds haven't healed at all, really. Even big scrapes and chunks of missing skin are healing over within a day. I'd have the stretching of scabs here, the inspection of scabs and her healing normally, unless there is a reason that needs explained that she doesn't. The timing on this definitely feels off, though. I still have the impression it was days when it really shouldn't be.Overall, I'm definitely giving this more stars than what it probably deserves -- especially seeing all of the nitpicking potential plotholes I've pointed out. However, I'm grading this based off of the overview, and I can justify that this way. I don't often rate things four stars, that means I feel its close to pub, but I really, really love this concept so far. Your plot is intriguing, it has a lot of good things going for it, it just needs some hammering out. Since you need to correct pacing and other things anyway, I think that you'll be able to correct the little issues that prevent this plot from having five stars. The best part about this plot, is if it weren't for the little things about the pacing, it would have seriously kept me entertained all of the way through. That is why I marked it as four.
Chapter One, Scene One ::This was perhaps the weakest element of the first scene for me. The pacing was all right, but it was weak compared to the plot elements and the characterization -- both of which were quite good. There was something about it that didn't fit so well. I can't tell if it was too long or too short, but there was just something off about it where it didn't feel 'just right'. I did like the final two paragraphs of this scene in particular though, nicely done.Chapter One, Scene Two ::The pacing here was so-so, for a torture scene, there were a few places where it felt slower than it should have. I think this was caused by your preference for longer sentences. Split some of your two-part sentences into two different sentences. I think this will help vary sentence length and improve the pacing at the same time.Chapter One, Scene Three :: Your love of long sentences really hurt the pacing here. So much nice plot, but there were a few moments where I was shaking my fist at the computer screen. Take your time. Watch your sentence lengths, and do not be afraid to slow yourself down. Less is more -- good advice I got from an agent and author, and one I think that would really help your pacing in this scene. The tension during her escape is good -- you cut straight to the point and your writing style reflects that. The pacing in the second half of this scene is much, much better.Chapter One, Scene Four ::The pacing of this was really slow. I would really consider just cutting straight to the arrival in the city, unless that bus driver serves a purpose later in the novel. This would help jump right to the chase and keep the momentum of her escape going.Chapter Two ::So much to do, so little time -- I really got a sense of a lot being packed into a short period of time. I'd like to see a little more time dedicated to the two halves of this chapter, especially to the first. You're so close to the tension and the pacing on this, but I don't think you're quite there yet. Once again, there isn't a whole lot of sentence variation throughout this, and I think that might really help increase the pacing. Also, I think that there are times here that went too quickly -- your character is finally getting a respite, give me as a reader a bit of a respite too. Don't be afraid to have a scene that is slightly slower while still being interesting, gives me a chance to catch my breath so to speak.Overall, your pacing gets three stars. It isn't there quite yet, but it isn't terrible either. It dances around the 'this is getting close to being just right' so many times that I really feel once you hammer the pacing down, this will really, really turn out into a stellar story.I wish you the best of luck with this story -- I am following the book and will be happy to take another run at it next time. I challenge you to see if you can get me past chapter two next time! :)
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