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Alexandra finds out that you never truly know someone until after her house gets turned into a crime scene and she comes face to face with the killer.
Chapter one is still not complete so this is only a partial chapter
In part of the story, the main characters' name changed from Alexandra to Samantha, which was a little confusing. I also think the dialogue seemed kind of stiff. But the plot is very interesting.
The point of view was pretty clearly defined, although I had a little trouble keeping the characters straight.
I would like more detailed descriptions. I've never been to Minnesota, so I don't know much about the environment.
This is well done. I'd definitely read more. Cozies are one of my favorites.
Point of view was on target. No confussing head switching. Good job.
I love details about the settings a little more would have been nice.
Plot and characters are a little too pat. Voice is flat and not engaging.Also, slow down the action a bit -- the reader has barely gotten to know the characters yet. Will also help to build tension. Too much of a coincidence that Bradley finds body at Alex's house on the same day that he meets her and hears the story of the missing girl.
The POV shifts too much; settle on one character and see things through his/her eyes. This will help make both plot and characters more interesting.
Need more description. Settings don't seem to play into the story at all. Also, I find it unlikely that someone would bury a body so close to a home in a residential area.
I’m nitpicky on mystery, (which is why I can’t write it) so you have my admiration for doing it at all. Overall I like the story. The pacing was good and the tone is good. I like that you’re not usually over describing people/scenes, that’s a Stephen King tip/trait, and leaving me to fill in the blanks myself. I think it helps invest a reader in a story, so kudos there.A few things of note that are mostly because it’s a WIP and just needs to be cleaned up but I’ll mention it anyway.*Punctuation, commas and apostrophes in particular. *Tense – occasionally you slip from the traditional past tense it’s written in to present tense. There isn’t too much of this but enough I noticed.*Shops instead of shoppes and there instead of their at 16%.*Use contractions in conversations to make it sound more natural.*Name consistency. Alex became Alexandra, then Samantha, then Sam before back to Alexandra. Brad became Bradley. Honestly, people tend to shorten their name now unless there’s a reason not to. Alex and Brad sound more natural. *It’s odd that Brad’s secretary and the rude clerk/sister of the victim are both named Sharon.*Add the actual total for Will’s hunting store shopping spree.*Look at the conversation with clerk at hunting store, I think two of Will’s comments are back to back and need to be merged. *Alex offering pop is general. Brad could have agreed to anything from Mountain Dew to root beer, a potentially nasty surprise (although that could be fun if he ends up drinking root beer.) Offering a cola is still generic but precise enough to be reasonable if you don’t want to name a brand.
*You’re good about waiting until the end of the scene to chance POV. Thank you for that. There are a few slips where we find ourselves reading a minor character’s thoughts, like Jack or Neil, and those need to be cleaned up. I don’t think you’ll lose anything by taking those bits out. The changes in POV flow well, no dramatic changes in the voice of the character to jar me, but they all clearly see the world in a different way. Alex – I want to like her but it’s not exactly endearing Alex to me that she’s married less than a week and attracted to another man. Especially when she fussed about not moving in together before the wedding – it shows she’s got some conservative ideals and secretly watching Brad isn’t consistent. I don’t care if she’s married to a psycho – (At least that’s what I’m sensing anyway.) She doesn’t know that so it doesn’t count. In my mind, Alex can be weak and need to be held when she finds the body (let’s face it, that’s traumatic and hubby isn’t home), but until then she should be missing her hubby. When things start to fall apart, then she can notice Brad as she leans on him more.Alex’s initial conversation with Brad was quite open and revealing for strangers. With his thoughts in there too it felt like less of a conversation and more of dumping a backstory. Brad talking about broken relationships with a newlywed he doesn’t know should (I would think) generate some sort of emotional response or awkwardness. Embarrassed that he said that maybe? Relieved that they reached their destination?Brad – I buy that he’s an investigator and a workaholic. Going from a lawyer to a cop was a bit of a stretch to me, I’d like to see his motivation defined a little more on that. He does need to have a ‘what a strange coincidence’ moment though about finding a lead on the case he’s having trouble with while on vacation. That’s just a long shot and an analytical mind is going to notice the odds even if it really was nothing but a coincidence. If it were me, it’d nag at me. I’d be wondering if the Assistant Director got a tip or something.Will – I just got a taste with the initial scene with him, I didn’t really figure out who he is until we saw him again in Wyoming. I got the distinct impression then that he and Joshua were the same person. We already know Brad’s been chasing him for seven months under a different name, and we have a girl who disappeared with a boyfriend of another name, so the Will/Joshua thing doesn’t phase me. If Joshua isn’t the bad guy – great job throwing me off so early and convincingly. There’s nothing solid to prove he is, just a feeling. If Joshua is the bad guy, I’d look at having more contact between Alex and Joshua. Phone calls, whatever, discussing his business trip – that happens to be in the same state Will’s in. Something to make Joshua appear the harmless, doting husband. A trick on mysteries: I’ve beta read a few and I think it’s better to wait until you’re done before getting betas. Then you ask each beta to mark who they think ‘did it’ when they ‘figure it out’ or change their mind. The goal is not to let them truly figure it out until the big reveal or maybe slightly before.
I’m confused about the house. It’s implied Joshua was living there prior to the wedding when you said he tried to get her to move in before the wedding. Nothing about him having an apartment. Why would he keep an apartment and a house when he knew they were both moving to the house after the wedding? Be efficient, one of them move into the house before so there’s less to do on what should be their honeymoon. Alex mentioned to Brad that Joshua never spent the night in the house, but she also said they brought ‘our stuff’ not ‘my stuff’ to the house. I understand we need a lack of clues for Brad at the house, but Joshua’s apartment came out of left field. It wasn’t mentioned before/explained so now it feels like a plot device. Mention it at the beginning, Alex wants to get moved so they can move Joshua, she’s tired/excited/feeling the need to get it done. She refused to move in to his apartment in St. Louis instead of move in with him (implies the house). See where I’m going with this? (Sorry about the rant, on mysteries it’s the small things that get me. I’ve been known to pick apart Doyle.)I can picture the town pretty well from your description. It was enough, but not so much that it weighed the story down. I liked that. I also liked Will’s Wyoming cabin. The description could be streamlined a little, but I got a good feel for what kind of man he was. The body just tipped him from ‘capable & creepy’ to ‘oh, dear.’
Hi Kimberly, I've read all that was posted (3 chapters). Overall I think you have the makings of an interesting story but it feels all over the place to me. Specifically, your voice and writing style fit with the cozy mystery genre. The setting and telling some of the story from Alex's POV is also appropriate for the genre. However, with Will/Joshua/Kevin being a serial killer, and the story set up as serial killer vs FBI guy, with the story told from both POVs, the driving force of the story falls somewhere else. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think you're trying to do too much. To keep it a cozy mystery, consider eliminating the FBI guy altogether and make it instead a story about Alex helping Sharon find her sister. The husband would be physically absent for most of the book, and the flower bed dig-up wouldn't happen until the end, revealing the serial killer thing as the twist. Alternatively, if you like the core story being serial killer vs FBI guy then it 's not a cozy mystery and Alex's POV would be just to move the story along, her character development irrelevant; and you need a better reason for Bradley to be there. For example, you could start the story the same with Bradley being sent on leave (home though, not conveniently to this town), and Alex moving to the new house, her husband gone on business. No niceties in town (in this type of story, the small town is generally eerie or strange, not quaint), just Alex buying gardening tools, the locals being unfriendly and Alex spotting a missing poster on a bulletin board. Then go right to digging up the flower beds, Alex finds the body parts, calls the police. Bradley's tipped off over a CB radio by a trucker informant that overheard info on a police frequency on his way by the town.The star ratings on this site are indicative of a reader's opinion of how close he/she thinks the story is to being publishable, not indicative of his/her enjoyment of the story. The star ratings I've given you are low because I think the piece needs some more big picture thinking. I do want to reiterate though that I like the story and your characters, and I think there is real potential here.
This story doesn't work for me with three full POVs. Consider cutting it down to two – Alex and Will or Will and Bradley.
A quaint Amish town makes an interesting setting for a mystery. Do you plan to feature it as a character or is it just the place where the bodies are hidden?
Greetings!Compared to Shifting, I can really, really see how your writing has improved. You have done a really good job with this story. There is a lot to like about this story, and it is told in a voice that is really suitable for the type of genre you're writing for. It is simple, has the starts of a good plot, and introduces interesting characters. I liked how it kept moving forward. The pacing at the end of chapter 1 really slowed down after a certain point, so that may be something you will want to consider correcting.Over all, I am giving this three stars. The story is there. It is definitely a very solid start. There were quite a few typoes, exchanged words and the kin that need repaired, and a few sections where you were struggling with your commas. (Compared to the first piece I read of yours, you have improved your grammar and comma usage SO much. You should clap yourself on the back. I can really see the difference in this story.)Your voice is solid, I like it, it works in this story. There are some execution things (tighten those scenes up!) but you have a good voice. i wouldn't change it. I think it has a solid chance of being able to sell. It is different, it kept the story cohesive, and it worked. And, most importantly, I think it was unique to you.You've done a great job on this so far.
Your point of view was pretty solid, there were a few points where there was some minor head-hopping, especially at the start of the first scene. I would be careful of the head-hopping. It can work sometimes, but I didn't feel that this instance worked for me. There were a few instances towards the end of chapter one where I felt there was some sliding, but you toed the line. I think this will be easily rectified in the edit phase. Overall, I am giving this category 3 stars. Tighten the POV a bit, add a little bit more of an active showing versus telling, and your POV and general style will really fly. (But don't lose that spark that makes your voice work here, please!)
Your setting was strong. I had no problems identifying where your story was taking place. Your setting -- especially for the genre -- was really, really strong. Excellent work. You gave just enough information to show/tell the setting as needed, and I was able to easily fill in the blanks. Excellent use of stereotypes to paint the picture so you could focus on the pure story.I'm giving this category four stars.Well done -- if you can increase the tension and the pacing through this and keep the story constantly moving forward, I really feel that this story will have a great deal of promise.(Watch those dialogue commas! You've mostly corrected them, but there are places where they are missing.)Hope this helps a bit!
I was intrigued as to where this was going! Of course this was only part of the first chapter, so there's not too much to go on, but I wondered about the murder victim, and also how Bradley and Alex seem to have made a connection - was there a romance in the works? I wondered also about Alex's husband Josh as he seemed rather mysterious.To be honest, several spelling and grammatical errors pulled me out of the reading. I also was confused as Alex - I think - was referred to as Sam it seemed. Did you maybe change her name at some point from an earlier draft - or did I completely miss another character? I would like to read a future draft that continues the action when it's done/ready.
The story starts from Alex's point of view and moves to Bradley's (albeit in the third person). I wondered if it would stay in Bradley's view or if it would go back and forth. Also, would we also be given another character's point of view, like Josh's or a flashback to the murder victim's? Again, it's only the middle of chapter one, so I am curious!
I had some problems adequately imaging the setting. I would do more showing through character interaction with the setting (as opposed to telling). For instance, I pictured the town as a row of stores that was listed and nothing else. Bradley's office was described as cushy, but I thought it could use more depiction of what was in it to make it cushy.
Your writing is clean; which I like. Limiting the use of the word "was" greatly improves any story. Instead of "telling" the story, "showing" it with dialogue and action is more effective. For me, the plot took off when Bradley entered the picture.
Again, telling the characters is not as effective as showing the characters. An example is when Samantha lit the cigarette in Joshua's car as an act of rebellion. Example: "Here's so you don't forget me Josh!" Samantha chuckled, and flipped ashes on the seat.
The pace picked up when Bradley came on the scene. I think I would squash the intro by half and use only necessary information. Again, using actions and dialog to set the pace.
Believable, sympathetic characters,realistic, fine portrait of a small Amish town
Not so successful here. Needs explanation of why FBI chooses Harmony for Bradley's "rest." Sam's reason for visiting is more believable because she grew up there.
This book begins like a romance novel with its reliance on accidental meetings of people who may dislike each other initially. Needs closer connection of heroine with the murdered woman--suppose Sam's friend was recently murdered and friend's mother phones Sam to come help, and Sam realizes this is a plausible excuse to flee her NY ex-husband. Do her parents already know she is divorcing?
This has some good elements for the characters, but it feels more like you are testing some ideas out. I'd prefer to have some examples of Joshua's abusive behavior than be told, for example
I have a good feel for the two main characters, I just think there are better ways to give us insight into them. Also, consider showing some quirks of their personality (phrases, pet peeves, etc.)
It's slow. Really, nothing of the story had happened yet. I'm not sure when the murder investigation proper will being, but there needs to be some additional tension in this section
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