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Marie was anything but ordinary but not because she sang like an angel or danced with insurmountable elegance, though those talents didn’t hurt her case. Any human contact sent severe pain coursing through her body. Only recently did she realize that as she experienced that pain the person she touched is relieved of it. Marie’s best friend, Terry, decided it was high time she stop hiding and take on an extracurricular activity at school. Terry decided on theatre which is possibly home to the most pained and emotional people on Earth. While trying to avoid sensory overload Marie discovered she was a reborn angel named Jadyn, the Angel of Tears, and being responsible for taking on the weight of human pain on her shoulders is a lot to ask of a high school student. Fortunately she was given the choice between accepting her duties or giving them up for love but that decision isn’t as easy as it seems.
Micha is pronounced : (My-Ka) Story is in progress being revised into past tense and editing part of the begining story line to introduce the main character Marie differently. Any commentary on revising to improve readability and or just thoughts on the story's progression are more than welcome!
Good action of setting the pace of the book. Right off we have runaway angels and Raphael going after them. The details are very good, though there was quite a bit to absorb in the beginning with the ice castle and Raphael's descriptions. Very appealing.
I enjoy this style of writing, more emotions can be revealed instead of first person where you're stuck with the main character.
I'm already taken with Raphael, he seems to be genuine and understands the seriousness of what happened. He'll do what he needs to do - it's his watch.
Hey, Stevie! First off, I really enjoyed reading this - your writing definitely pulls the reader in and hooks them. The storyline is intriguing, but if I was a buyer reading this as a sample, I'd hesitate in paying to read the rest, purely due to the errors in grammar and sentence construction. It's very jumbled in places, and that can really interrupt the flow of your well-chosen words.That's a real shame, because the imagery you create with those words is truly vivid and beautiful, so it's really frustrating as a reader when a missing comma or a poor grouping of words throws them and distracts them from that image you've worked so hard to place in their mind.
I have two issues in this area. The first is that I found Micha very unsympathetic as a leading ; I don't know if that's how he supposed to come across, but he seems quite selfish and uncaring, so I found it difficult to pull for him.The other is that I found the whole transition from Raphael into John's body to be very abrupt, and John's family don't feel very fleshed out, even for background characters. Any interactions between them feel very stiff, and the way they're written doesn't seem to sit right with the rest of the text.Marie, on the other hand, is brilliantly written. You manage to convey her emotions and her pain with great skill and ease, and I found myself really hoping for a happy resolution for her.
It's an intriguing plot-line, but it's difficult to follow in places. Chapter 7 in particular really stood out to me as one that I struggled with; I think it's the repeated switching of POV. Whilst it's necessary to the plot to show the story from the different perspectives of the main protagonists, the constant switching can leave the reader a little disorientated and lead to them losing where they are in the story.That being said, it's totally got me hooked, and I'd to find out how it plays out for them!
Greetings!Overall, this has improved a great deal since the last time I read this book. Your tense is much, much more stable. It is still jarring for me to read; first or third past is used so much that it is very hard to make the shift to third present. That said, the story itself moves along fairly well. There are a few things that have bothered me as I have read.First, you jump from POV to POV in the same section / chapter. It doesn't feel like your story is grounded behind any one character, but that you're trying to get into the heads of several characters at one time. Separate them out, in my opinion. I think this will help give the clarity needed to really make this fly. Your general storytelling skills have greatly improved so far.A few things that I think that might help you a little overall -- right now, your dialogue seems to be one of your strengths. You skip over a lot of the elements that help determine setting, letting me fill in the bits and the pieces with my own imagination. This is fine, to a point -- but right now, I feel like I don't have a good feel for the setting, I get a better feel of what the characters are doing in the setting, but it often leaves me with good pictures of the characters, and no picture of where the characters are standing. Just something to think about.In Chapter 3, you slip a little into third past tense, just thought I'd mention it in case you hadn't caught it yet.Overall, I am giving this 3* -- I made it through a quarter of the text that is up here in one sitting before the tenses started to get to me. I'll try to come back again to it a little later and see if I can get through the rest of it. For the tense you're using, you do a reasonable job of storytelling and ensuring that what is going on is understood -- but I'm having a hard time getting past the tense issue. Is it doable? I think so, but it will take a lot of care to overcome just how used to past tense people are.
Your character development is so much better than it was in the previous rendition -- I actually get a good, solid feel for your starting characters. However, Raphael's transition to John was very disconcerting. I think this needs to be smoothed out and we need to get behind Raphael in John's clothes for longer -- see the transition as it unfolds. Right now, you tell us through the other characters rather than showing it to us. Overall, this transition felt very rough -- you *told* us that the real John was dead in the beginning, implanted Raphael in John, and went from there -- this is all done through telling it to us. I think you could make this much more powerful if you can avoid the telling you do in the first section, start with the speculations over John and *then* introduce the Angels. It will leave a little more in the way of suspense and uncertainty, and give me a bit more to guess about while I am reading.Overall, I am giving this section 4* -- you break past stereotypes in very little time, and I found myself getting to know the characters reasonably quickly. This is definitely the strongest point of this book so far.
The plot is much improved since I started reading. Part way through chapter 3, there is a fine balance between events I understand, events I do not understand, and a curiosity to see what will happen next. This is a good thing -- I dislike plots that I can guess right away, but I also dislike not understanding what is going on. So long at this point, I am getting a good balance between these two desires. Nicely done in this regard.However, there are a few things that did bother me in terms of plots -- it feels like you're toying with cliches trying to make something new. We have angels falling from grace, a character in the hospital for one reason or another, and a girl who encounters the new angel. There is nothing right now that sets this book apart from others in its general genre type.I am giving this 3* right now. I think it you keep working with it, you will be able to turn these cliches into something new and unique to you.I will try to continue reading in the near future and post my updated thoughts in the comments. :)
Hi Stevie, I thought I'd give this a read as I thought the premise was somewhat interesting and recently I've become far more open to the romance genre via the Meyer gateway.I can see you've got some seriously strong emotions pushing you to write this book, and that really comes through in the poetic way you engage your readers. However, I feel that your approach to writing a novel is a tad too poetic, as in many places I found myself having to stop for a minute as the stream-of-consciousness approach was a little too surreal to follow.There are quite a few issues with grammar and sentence structure, and as others have said, I strongly recommend reading this to yourself out loud, as I find when I do that I instantly notice many mistakes that I never would have caught had I read it silently. In the first sentence alone "human's" should not have an apostrophe, so I would suggest you run it through Word or go through with a pen and iron out the basic issues.Your style is something I'm having a hard time with. The plot is interesting, and I'm drawn in by the way in which Jaydn passes through various areas, but I have absolutely no idea where she is or what she's doing. If this is an attempt to build a sense of confusion, it's working, but if the third chapter is how far a reader has to go for all of this to make sense, I fear you may be asking too much.To summarise, read through and get rid of the grammar mistakes, and read this out loud to get a better sense of what sentences may be confusing, and focus a little more on world-building. It can be done in present tense, and it's worth it given how interesting the idea is.
Jaydn is an interesting character, and it's clear she has motivations and morals of her own from the outset, which is a feet-first approach that I as a reader find quite refreshing. However, the opening stretch needs to be refined in order for her character, and indeed the cast, to come through a little more, as the style is, at the moment, somewhat suffocating the characters and the world itself.
The plot is, outside the blurb, unintelligible. It clears up significantly after the opening sequence, and I feel that this is the point you found your groove when you were writing the draft. I know you asked for reviewers to hit chapter three before passing a judgement, but it may be worth considering the flaw in asking someone to read thousands of words before really "getting" the work. I find there's little point in engaging with something that has to ultimately entertain the reader if the investment of time up front can be confusing and difficult.As a result I would recommend strongly that you transplant your later writing style onto the opening sequence. The dialogue becomes clearer, and we will get a better sense of Jadyn moving through the various areas of Heaven before she becomes the Angel of Tears, as right now it has a very "dream sequence" feel to it.
I like the premis. The sentence structure is unusual and it threw me, it feels disjointed until I got used to it. The angel in the room of pain, you likened a tear falling to superglue hardening. That's out of character for the feel you created for heaven. Ice or crystal might be a better option. Something from the natural world.
Raphael isn't likable, but I'm guessing he isn't meant to be. Jayden is fine, if a little naive. Micha's human side is bordering on obsession. I'd like to see more development of their love to balance that. I also don't really get the sense that Jayden feels the same. You hinted at it, but their relationship isn't developed enough to pull me in, it's overshadowed by Jayden discovering she's the Angel of Tears.
The concept is good, but I think the love between Micha and Jayden needs more development. Usually in a romance you're hoping for love to win out and conquer all, but when it's at the cost of losing the war between good and evil it makes it a little harder to get into that frame of mind. I can't help hoping you've got an escape clause in there.
Definitely seems like you've got a wide reaching story developing here, I'm anxious to see how it all comes together. There are some disconnects with the action and characters that could be smoothed out, but there's definitely something here.
I'd like to spend a little more time with the characters before they end up in their life-shattering circumstances, but already this draft is better than the first I read as far as that goes. I think a little more detail could really bring the characters and their interactions to life.
The war between heaven and hell, fallen angels and terrible choice between love and duty are all elements that have been done before. So what makes me interested here is the individuals involved and how this particular instance will play out. If you know why each character does what they do I trust the plot to work itself out in this case.
Your writing is poetic. I believe streamlining it would be amazingly effective.
Immediately, I was drawn in by Micha. However, I would like to have seen a slower development of the characters; giving me time to visualize each in my mind.
The plot confused me. However, at times, I found myself completely drawn in to what was happening, even thought I didn't have a complete handle it.
So heart felt, Stevie. I really felt the pain in the opening. I have a feeling this is going to turn into an epic love story. When the story turns to Marie as a human, as a reader, I'm very wrapped up in what will happen. A new level of excitement comes into play, and I feel myself settling into the story. I think the best advice I can give you is to have you read this out loud to yourself. Take it line by line and omit repetitive words. Just an example: at 93%..."Turning towards her he lashes out towards her and the rippling water." You could change the second towards to 'at'. I didn't notice a lot of them, but you can look it over to see what you think.
I'd like to see more character development. I think that could be achieved by focusing in on a few main characters, their backgrounds, and what their purpose in the story is. Sometimes it's a fine line between expecting a reader to know the background of a character or spelling it all out. I'd be happy with knowing a little more about some of the special powers etc. that the characters possess and what is expected of them. I had a thought, it might help to give a 'cast of characters' for this story. That way, the reader could gain a better understanding of the hierarchy involved and have a reference to go back to if there is any confusion.
I love your plot. I think you've opened the door for so many different possibilities. I'm hoping to see more adventures for Marie, and of course how Micha will find her. Along with the plot, I'd like to see more world building. I'd like to have a better understanding of their environment and how it all flows together.
There is some really fantastic story telling going on here. Your POV jumps around a lot, so I found myself going back and re-reading much of chapter one. However, I was drawn in enough by the motional content of the story that I kept reading. I would suggest going through and reading it out loud. I think that may help you recognize some of the places where word choice and change of tense get in the way of the story. 28% the use of the word fanatic, is an example of where your word choice pulled me out of the story a bit. It was a little hard for me to follow at first but by chapter three I was able to settle in with your pace and follow more clearly what was happening. Your use of imagery is often beautiful, almost prose-like. 42% "...wings sputtered from the crown with their blood dripping from feathers and painting the walls with their freedom"- LOVE this. I find it really beautiful.47% a comma after have, and after tears would clarify this sentence.
I am endeared to Jayden. I really like the way you have set her up to be loveable. I feel for her struggle, though I know little baout what it will actually be. This is largely inpart to the way you have developed her as a character.Micha (Which I keep readin and wanting to change the spelling of ;-) ) is clear. The idea that he is only demi-angel makes it more believable for him to experience all of his emotions so intensely. I also think the wasy you let us see into Raphael's mind and see his oown recogition of weakness makes both of them vulnerable, hence likeable.What made Jayden so special? That was unclear for me. Why is raphael so fond of her? Fun questions that I look forward to reading about and seeing how you answer!
I was pretty lost through my first rerad through of chapter one and chapter two, but you really find youur footing with this from chapter three on. The sentence you end with, about finding a way for Jayden to not have to experience her own so deeply ( I think that is what you mean) came as a surprise. I was thrown off a bit by the last little hook being about Jayden rather than Micha. I know from the summary and details page that Jadyn is your MC, but up until this point, Micha seems to have more pull for me as a protagonist. I suppose that is also character development related, but it concerns me more in the plot line than in the character development.It is a creative use of angels and heaven and the world you have created is intriguing.
I think the definition of a good story teller is someone that can move the heart. I'm no book writer but i know what i like and what I'm willing to read. When i read Torn, time and time again I'm moved by the emotion that is portrayed in each chapter and in each word. Its the type of book i could read based only on that fact. While there's things here and there that can be improved upon that's a given with any book going through the writing process and i believe that that moment of perfection will come for Stevie in writing her story. I think in the end what is to be taken to heart is the incredibly defining ability she has to weave a story that's just plain interesting to read.
I think the development takes its twists and turns for each character given that each character is so deep and colorful. Each being in the story has a depth that rivals many ground breaking books in today's world and should be another notch on Stevie's wall as one of her successes.
I think the overall plot is very unique and fresh. Its not something that I've read before and is inspirational in my thinking of the world around me in different ways. I think as Stevie continues to refine the story it will only get better and more interesting.
Greetings!Sorry it took so long to get to your critique... had a very, very long list of stories I owed critiques on!Chapter One, Scene One ::The first thing I noticed -- more so, it jumped off the page at me and cracked me in the forehead like a kamikaze dragonfly -- was your shift from 3rd person past tense to 3rd person present tense to 1st person future tense, to 1st person past tense.All in one page. I had to stop, re-read it a couple of times and stop to make this comment. Tighten this. Your first paragraph is very interesting. I question some of your word choice, but I think it is something that you can improve with a bit of polish. (Heat vibrating didn't work for me.) That said, it wasn't clear whose POV it was in the opening paragraph. Two characters, and for a minute, I thought Jadyn was the lead, I think I'm wrong in this. Solidify your POV, this will really, really help. Give your angel a name, tell it to us in the first paragraph so we are founded in the POV, and then dig in.And I'm not sure I would keep the 1st person reflection as it is. If you want to use direct internal thought (I like it in 3rd, I have no problem with it in 3rd, but keep it in third. The direct thought is in first and italicized, but the thought tags remain in third and in the POV frame you choose.As I continued to read, I see you settle into 3rd person present tense. This was a hard tense for me to follow, and there were times that you slipped back to 3rd past. I think this story would read a lot more smoothly if you worked in 3rd person past. The sections that are 3rd person past here are easier to read and definitely portray much more of Jadyn's pain, concerns and fears. (I also discovered a few pages in that the POV does seem to be following Jadyn.)That said, you head hop part way through Chapter One. I would consider a full section break or new chapter instead. This will make the reading a lot easier.I also think that you have the budding of some stellar descriptive skills. However, right now, your tenses and POV work against you. In the effort to maintain present tense, your descriptions ended up feeling stilted. That said, there was quite a lot of promise there, I think that you just need to settle down and find a voice that has the level of clarity that would really let this story shine.As an after-thought, and perhaps this will help you nail POV / tenses -- your writing style should be invisible. Words should exist to paint pictures for the reader. Any words that distract from the entertainment of the story should be considered, changed if needed. Your POV and tense should never be actively noticed -- when I read my favorite books, I am never confused about who is talking, what they're doing and their state of mind. It is something that is shown as I read through the descriptions, the dialogues and the sensations of the character. The words are read (of course), but it is so subtle that it lets the story shine through. I still have problems with this, and I know just how hard this is to master, but if you actively try to reach this goal, I think you'll manage to get it under control.I will be honest, by the time I got to the end of Chapter one, I was torn on whether or not I wanted to dive in and go for chapter two. I wasn't hooked in the beginning chapter because I spent more of my time trying to sort out what you meant to say versus what was being read. I would recommend recording this as you read it out loud and listen to it afterwards. This might help you get a better feel for clarity in your writing style.Chapter Two ::I ended up diving in and taking a look at Chapter two. In some ways, there is definite improvement. The use of telepathy as the form of communication between angels (and part angels) is rather interesting. The dialogue wasn't bad, but I couldn't distinguish between the voices of the two characters. They had very similar methods of speaking. This is something that still hurts me as a writer. Since Micha is part human (as far as I can tell), give him the crudeness of a human in his speech. Separate him from Jadyn, who is a pure bred. I think this will help a bit in this section.Overall, I am giving this 2 stars. There is a lot of work to do on a lot of different things, but the potential for this story is definitely there. I really believe once your voice stabilizes and you really dig into your story, you'll be able to turn this into something very worthwhile. I would try to experiment with your style. Like I pointed out in the beginning, there were three or so POV / tense types that you were playing with. I don't feel third present works for this. (and third detached at that.)Get behind your characters, tie your POV so tightly with Jadyn the only way is to surgically remove them. I think if you manage this, you will really be able to give this story wings.
Chapter One, Scene One ::After I figured out what the POV actually was, there was a surprising amount of character development in the first chapter. I think if you correct the problems I mentioned in the overall portion of this review, you will be able to use your natural skills at characterization to really bring the story together. This definitely appears to be your strength so far.Chapter Two ::There isn't much to say about Chapter 2 for this section -- it wasn't long enough for there to be much more in the way of development. that said, you stayed true to Jadyn's character, although after your plot setup, I think perhaps you stayed a little too true. I did get a better feeling for Micha, however, which is a good thing.Overall, I am giving this category three stars. Like I said before, this is definitely a strength, in my opinion. I hope you never lose sight of your characters, as I think this will really let you move this story forward in a character-driven fashion.
Chapter One, Scene One ::Considering the difficulty with POV shifts and tenses, it was hard for me to pick out the plot. The pacing was slow enough during the first chapter that I wasn't able to really get a connection to the plot through the characters. I suspect it has something to do with the chamber and Jadyn's fears, but you don't show us how the angels are changed prior to them going into the blood room, only that they do. Your concept of angels being tied to other beings and that altering how they perceive heaven is very interesting. This is a unique plot device, and I think it has a lot of potential.Chapter Two ::Now that Jadyn has awakened, after all of your setup for the fact angels change if they go into that room -- I didn't feel much of a change from Jadyn at all. This was a let down for me, and the reason I didn't move on to chapter three. I think if you solidfy the POV to Jadyn (you head hop between Micha and Jadyn in Chapter 2) and start revealing the changes in her immediately, you will really be able to move your plot along. Overall, I felt that the plot was a bit too weak for my liking. You bring two concepts to the table in these two chapters. First, you bring the idea that the room changes angels and Jadyn enters it. Then you work at making Micha a healer. You defused the tension from Jadyn's thread by not having significant changes to Jadyn immediately noticeable in the second chapter. Because of this, I don't feel like I can give this category anymore than two stars.I definitely feel that this story concept is worth pursuing and working with. I haven't seen a story with this angle and take on angels. I was intrigued by the culture of heaven, but I think that your current voice kept too much of a separation from your characters. Your opening paragraph, where you worked in 3rd past, was so promising with a good voice, then you changed voices and I had to struggle to work through the story.I really hope to see this story rewritten fully in 3rd person past and take the promise of that first chapter and carry it through the entire story.If you have any questions, please shout out -- I will be happy to answer any questions that I can. If you want, I'll try to go through the later chapters another day and reply in a comment with my thoughts -- let me know if you're interested.Good luck with this story.
This story has a lot of intensity which can draw the reader in. However, I am not sure that I get what is going on as I read. Since there is so much emotion expressed, perhaps first person would be an interesting point of view choice possibly ?
I think that you are developing conflicts and desires for your protagonist and this is good. It will help move your story along.
The plot so far seems to move a little slow. If there were more action the story might be a tad more engaging.
First sentences are powerful. There's a lot going on in your first sentence and reading it alone leaves me confused. You might want to consider a first sentence that gives the reader a concrete idea or action or setting right off the bat.This sentence is a little awkward: "The blood, all this pain, her mind wails as she falls to her knees releasing her breath is a heated sigh in front of the alter." It might work better broken up into two sentences.There are a lot of "as" or "as if" statements in the beginning. It could work better with more definitive language.I'm at 12% now. There is some tense changes, going from present to past tense. My fall back for identifying these has always been to sequester myself in a room and read a manuscript out loud. You hear a lot of mistakes and places where you're missing words this way, as well as having to slow down and account for every word on the page.I'm at 13% and I'm wondering about the setting. You said initially that there's lots of blood, then there are engravings later on that absorb the blood. I'm unsure of the setting, but curious.I'm at chapter two and unsure of the setting. Are we in Heaven or someplace on earth or another setting altogether? Are all of the characters angels or are we talking about something else?
I like Jadyn right off the bat. Anyone who would run into a possibly dangerous situation and help someone she doesn't know is a person/character worthy of liking on no other merit.The pain at 12% in chapter one doesn't come across with a gut punching fear for the character. Let the reader experience the pain she's going through. Does she regret accepting this?At 16% the POV does a switch from Jadyn to the two guys, Micah and Father. Was this intentional? Or are we jumping heads for sake of the story?In Chapter two at 38%, I'm confused by the italicized mental conversation, the actions, and the spoken conversation. Is this a past and present version of the characters talking? Is this soon after the first chapter? Or later?
I'm at 4%, still in the 1st chapter and very confused by what is going on, but I'm interested by the problem of the man and his son.How does Jadyn know that the tear is the key? What background do we not know that makes the next events acceptable? I'm questioning her actions at 8% in chapter one.At 16%, how does Micha know that Jadyn is his angel? What's going on that we don't know? If she's out cold and our primary POV it could be a good place to start giving us background information.20% and the angel is now Micha's lover, and Father/Mentor is discintegrating There's a lot of really awesome action going on but it's going by too fast, almost like a bullet point of this, this, and then this happens. Work on the pacing, making more tension and suspense bite us off the page.I like the story, I'm curious about where it's going but it needs some set up. What's the history? Who are these characters? Why is this whole ordeal important?
I really like the story line once you get to chapter 2 you really start getting attached to the characters. I would like to read more. Looking forward to the next chapter.
At the beginning the charaters were vague, but by the third chapter they became more defined.
I understood the plot right away. It was very clear what the story was going to be about.
I am a vampire at heart but, after readeing I feel the soul of the writer. I get a sense of where they are coming from; like the memories I sbsorb through the blood of my lovers. These words speak to me; I wish I knew of an angel with such depth and angst.Oh how this writer inspires me. I wish I could meet them and taste the sweet crimson life liquid as it escapes the kiss of my lips. Please publish more; please give me what I crave!
The voice speaks to me like the wind through the cave of my soul.
Every character has developed a meaningful sustance to the driving force of the story. Jaydn's strugles parallel my life as a helpless child with limitless etheral powers.
I love the premise of this. You have a lot of appealing and graphic images: the blood, the floors strength leading in to her prayer for strength, feathers puddling around his father, the single feather where her heart was, her last remnants.Some phrases were a little overwritten or awkward:Blood cries...like waterfalls. Maybe cascades?Her heart stops...the warmth of it. Sounds like you're talking about her heart touching her skin. "The blood" works better.Frightened by... Fragment. I don't mind them, but this one doesn't work....for a moment she saw the man's son in his eyes. Had no idea what you meant until much later when you intro Micha. You should intro Micha before this scene. And why would she feel remorse?Micha stares wide-eyed... We have no clue why he'd be afraid and, again, we don't know who he is to Jadyn at this point.Smooth out the explanation of demi-angels. It seems a little out of place where it is. If you start the story earlier and have Micha and Jadyn introduced, the reader would know demi-angels have residual human emotion. Also, it seemed Jadyn was no different. She definitely felt emotion when she entered the room. I don't get a sense of contrast. Work on showing us the emotion instead of telling us what it is. Also he's not going to see a flash of anger cross his face while you're in his POV....a whimper escapes into his retreat. Awkward phrasing. And is it his whimper or hers?...stare of his father's face. Maybe say ...to meet his father's empty gaze. Faces, as a whole, don't really stare.Micha's stomach falls within him... Just say his stomach falls. We know it's within him.The ache rises... Seems overwritten. Condensing and simplifying would give his emotion more impact. Also getting rid of "...he can feel..." will deepen the POV.Hopefully these examples will help in your revisions. When I revise, I comb through several times for POV issues, awkward phrases or clunky sentence structure, excessive adverbs, etc.Plot-wise, I think you may do better with sending her to Earth for a different reason and having love become an unexpected complication, but that's just a suggestion. I also suggest slowing down the pace. Not much, just enough to orient the reader, let us know who the characters are and where they are. It's hard to find the balance sometimes between not enough, just enough, and infodump.I really enjoyed reading this though, and despite being thrown into the plot without a parachute, I still got a great sense of Micha's emotions. I'd love to see where you head with the revisions.
Voice generally comes through most via the character's POV, and there's a heck of a lot of head-hopping in here, so I really don't get a sense of voice from this. The way the POV character interprets everything through their thoughts and senses tells me about their character. This is more than just relaying what's happening. It's seeing it and feeling it through the character's view.When Jadyn absorbs the tear, you have a perfect opportunity to deepen the POV and get into her head. Instead you hop to Micha's head.
I know nothing of your main character. Her POV at the beginning was a few paragraphs. I don't know her motivation for being where she was and I don't have any reason to care personally about her situation. I think it would help to start slightly earlier in the story and set the scene. Who is Jadyn? Where is she and why does she go to the room with the blood? What the heck is the room with the blood? Stay in her POV a little longer before you go to Micha's.He also needs some development. It takes nearly the entire chapter to get a feel for his relationship with Jadyn. I still don't quite know anything other than the guy loves her. I think much of this is a pacing issue. The pace is too fast.I also cannot picture any of the characters. There's lots of description of some things, some actions, but holes in the setting.
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To add a new Connection, send a Request to Connect. The member to whom you would like to Connect must accept your request to make it official.
Book Country provides an RSS feed for those who like to read our Industry content in an RSS Aggregator.
Choose from the options below:
Are you sure you want to ignore this request or recommendation? It will be removed from your shelf.
You will no longer receive Connection Requests from this person, and they will not know that you have blocked them. You can unblock this person at any time in your account.
is now blocked. You can manage your blocked people in your account.
Are you sure you want to block this person?
This member is now blocked. You can manage your blocked people in your profile.
You will no longer be able to view this user’s Connections, read their complete books, or make Recommendations to them.
The user will not receive notification that you have Disconnected, but they will probably figure it out later. You can also stay in touch more casually by Following this person instead.
You are now Disconnected from this member.
By accepting this Connection Request, you will be allowing this member to read all the fiction you've posted, view your Connections, and the books, people, discussions, and topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
If you'd rather receive more casual updates on this person's activity, choose to Follow this person instead.
Please sign in or join now if you want to Connect with this person.
Your request has been sent to the member.
Sign in to share with your connections.
Recommend: [Author]
Done! You have recommended [Author] to [recipient].
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Book Country Badges are awarded for community activity and accomplishments. You can earn badges for positive contributions to the site, such as writing a highly rated book, or contributing many reviews and discussions.
Each badge comes in bronze, silver, and gold. You’ll start with bronze, and then earn silver and gold as your activity grows. There are also versions of each badge at the genre level, master genre level (i.e., SF, Romance, etc.), and for all of Book Country. Our staff is always working hard to ensure fairness and good karma. The more you participate, the more rewards you’ll receive.
Preferred Genres help you track your interests and Connect with similar members. You can select as many genres as you like.
The Top Books and Top People in your Preferred Genres will automatically appear on your home page, updating every two weeks.
Recommendations make it easy to share interesting content with other Book Country members. You can recommend a book, discussion, person, or article to your Connections, and they can make Recommendations to you.
Recommendations appear in your notifications bar.
Connections are your friends and colleagues on Book Country who you have allowed additional access to your work. Accepting a Connection request lets that member read all of the fiction you’ve posted (there is no word limit). Connections can also view who you are Connected to, as well as the books, People, Discussions, and Industry Topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
Following is a way to casually keep in touch with a person on Book Country. By Following a person, you will receive updates on their public activities on the site, such as uploading a new book or responding to a discussion. People you Follow can’t see your Connections, make Recommendations to you, or see that you are Following them.
Private books cannot be read by site visitors or community members. Private books do not appear on the Genre Map or in searches. Some writers may choose to temporarily make a book private during revisions or while meeting with agents and publishers.
You can repost a private book to make it visible again. All comments and ratings will be saved.
Writers can Delete their books at any time, for any reason. On rare occasions, the Book Country staff may Delete a book for copyright violations. Deleted books are completely removed from Book Country, along with all comments and reviews. Deleted books cannot be recovered.
Locked Discussions are discussions that can still be read but cannot accept new responses. Discussions can only be locked by a Book Country administrator.
As a community for writers and readers, we want our members to receive thoughtful and constructive feedback on their work. Book Country Peer Reviews are designed to help writers improve in their chosen craft.
You must be a member to rate and review. Members can review a book once per draft. Each review has several sections:
Share your general thoughts on the book. Did the writer categorize the book accurately on the Genre Map? Were you engaged by the material? What really worked and what needs work? Comment on whatever else you like.
When uploading a book, writers can select two areas on which they’d like guidance. Provide more detailed feedback based on these criteria.
Give each section a star rating from 1 to 5. This will help us determine how the book compares to others in the community. Your must rate each section to save your review. But remember, star ratings are not just a scale of bad to good; it’s also a scale from rough draft to polished manuscript.
It’s easy to work on your review over a period of time with our “Save for Later” feature. Please be aware, though, that if you have a review saved and the writer of the book changes his/her feedback criteria, the feedback that you’ve inputted for any old criteria will be automatically removed. Additionally, if the writer uploads a new draft of the book, your review will be lost. So don’t sit on it too long!
When writing your review of a published book, please bear in mind that the author is not longer revising the project. For example, you may want to write your review as if you are giving your opinion to other potential readers.
Heads up! By Connecting with this person, you are allowing this user to view your other Connections, see who you’re Following, and read your complete books. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections, and make Recommendations to them.
The other user must accept your Request to make the Connection official.
Done! You have sent a recommendation to .
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It's easy! Upload chapters at your own pace or your entire book if it's ready. Make changes any time you like.
Everyone contributes at Book Country. After you provide three peer reviews, you can share your work with the community.
Book Country is a supportive community of fiction writers and readers who offer constructive feedback to help you improve your craft.
Our members include published authors and industry professionals. You never know who might discover your work.
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