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Josephine Gray is a thief, a damned good vault expert who's been in the business for over a decade. When she's asked to fly out to Las Vegas by one of her close friends to pull a job, she gets a bad feeling about the job that she just can't shake. It doesn't help that one of the crew members seems to have a crush on her, and another wants to kick her ass because of it. When the job becomes compromised, the crew wants to throw in the towel, but the people that hired them don't think that this is an option.
NEW DRAFT: 7/6/11 - I've removed the first section of Chapter One after the recommendations. I've tweaked the other chapters as well.
The pace is rapid, I just wish it could have been more pertinent and focused. The gang has come together to do a big job, but it's preceded by sexual by-play, costume considerations, a girl-fight and other such nonessentials. Let's get to the subject at hand and allow these developments to emerge organically and believably as the main story proceeds.
The voice of the female narrator is consistent but at times frivolous for a professional thief, owing to the lightness of the story at this point. I think that if the author would concentrate on the essence of the story--a heist that could put the narrator in jail--she would become more serious.
It's hard to say from the little written, but this much is familiar--Oceans 11 etc. Something unusual must happen to lift this story out of the commonplace. Perhaps the heroine is an ulikely crook morally compelled to go along on this heist for altruistic reasons of her own...?
In looking at this it's easy to see that you've worked hard, so I apologize in advance, because I'm about to hit you over the head with a 2 x 4. But this is not about you, nor is it about the story. It's about presentation, by which I mean that you’re telling me this story. And by that, I mean you, personally, are talking to me as if I can both hear and see you.As a result of that the point of view is yours not hers. She's the focus character, yes, and you tell us about her, but we’re not with her. Because yours is the point of view you use a great many of what are called filter words. These are words that can only come from you, and which distance the reader from the character—words like see, think, decide, hear. A perfect example is at the beginning of chapter two. You say, “stepping off the elevators, Josie saw in one direction the casino with its remains of crayon accident on the ceiling bells ringing and sharp the staccato sounds.”1. She can't step off elevators, only an elevator.2. Because you say “stepping,” everything else happens While she's doing this. But at the same time, what you say along with it is an overview of the scene, not something happening.3. When you say she “saw” that's not her. That's you telling me about what she saw, but not because she's paying attention to it. Instead you’re describing the scene in terms of what she can see, and you’re doing it at a psychic distance from the character. But suppose you had made a small change, and said somethng like, “in one direction the doorway to the casino beckoned.” Phrasing it that way it's what she's seeing, as against what’s in her field of view.Think of your own life. Everything you do from waking to sleep is a chain of cause and effect, motivation and response. Everything. What you notice you react to. And in reacting, even if that reaction is to decide to do nothing, you probably determine what will next hold your attention. This is the way we live our life. Can she seem real if she doesn't do the same? If, instead of her living her life through cause and effect you tell me what you see her doing, can it be anything but a report—the history of a fictional character?My point is that for the reader to care about the character they must know that character. And by that I mean know them inside, not just have a record of what they did.There is a side benefit to presenting the characters point of view, which is that you are no longer assigning them dialog and behavior. Instead, they’re reacting based on the situation, their personality, and their perceived needs.As I read the current version, and her interaction in chapter one, I had the feeling that both of the characters were playing to the audience, and being cute for their sake, rather than behaving as the situation dictated to them. He seems a bit of a schmuck because he seems unable to take a hint and modify his behavior. She, on the other hand seems not to have the sense to say, “Listen… Cut that shit, and do it now.”All of the above boils down to a recommendation that you get into the character's head so deeply that you, and the reader, see, hear, and respond to nothing that she's not actively paying attention to. Let us know her world through her not you. You, after all are not—and cannot be—in this story. Because of that, each time you intrude you stop the scene-clock and kill the momentum you may have generated.There are tricks to placing the reader are into the character's head—tricks they don't mention in our education because they’re unique to the profession of fiction writerBelow are three articles I favor. The first is one method of getting the reader and the writer into the protagonist’s head. The next has some suggestions on chapter construction. And the last talks about filter words and how to eliminate them.If those articles seem to make sense you might think about picking up a copy of the book the first author recommends, Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It is one of the best books I've found on the nuts-and-bolts of constructing a story.http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phphttp://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.htmlhttp://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/Below are a few specifics that jumped out at me:In the opening, when she exits the airport you say that the man she's working for is prompt. And immediately after that, Peter parks the car, demonstrating that fact. Yet she's surprised. It's impossible to tell why—especially as she’s surprised before she knows he’s there for her (yet you tie it to his being prompt).You have her get in to the driver's side of the car. But she just watched the man exit that side, and that brand car is best known for sports cars, rather than sedans. Moreover you have him “jump” from the car, which implies the top is down (which you later confirm). She cannot fail to notice both where he came from, and, the steering wheel. And, as someone who has owned many sports cars I can say from experience that you do not climb over the transmission tunnel to change seats.I have a problem with her objecting to his driving. You don't define what she's reacting to, so it could be speed, or anything. As stated she's on the highway from the airport, but the fact that she complains, and doesn't demand he modify his behavior says that of the two of them he's in control. Is that really what you want?I also felt that her protesting that he had a room across the hall was contrived. He has no more access to her room from there than from a room anywhere else in the hotel.Sorry that I couldn't give better news. But remember, nothing I said has any bearing on you, your potential and talent, or anything other than the story as it exists at this moment. And with the addition of the specialized knowledge and techniques of the professional to give your talent more options, who knows where you may fly to?Hang in there, and keep writing.Jay GreensteinWizardsForeign EmbassySamantha and the BearMe: http://www.jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/about
Seems equal to the task, though because everything is presented from an external viewpoint, with fairly prosaic language, it could stand to be a bit more vivid.
Plot is of the last importance, because if the writing doesn’t grab it doesn’t matter what the plot is. From what I can see it’s a pretty conventional “anatomy of a robbery,” with the usual cast of characters.
Be careful of punctuation -- sorry, it's a pet peeve with me -- when attributing a quote, it should be like this: "Alicia, that's more than enough," Brooks said...Some of your working is awkward. For example, He tossed her roll-aways into it, about to follow along with her shoulder bag. Also, this one: He grimaced a touch…Consider changing this line to, “Just ‘clingy men who presume too much’ issues.” The interior punctuation marks help set off her snarky comment from the rest of her quote.You also need to clean up some minor spelling errors along with the punctuation, and I got confused about who was saying what at the bar. Still, I think you have the makings of a good story here. But OI have more comments in the Plot section below.
Not much to say there, it seems to ring true to me. You have developed a voice all your own and stick to it.
Speaking as someone who lives in Las Vegas, I'd like to see more realism in these opening scenes. For example, it's nigh on impossible for anyone to tear away from the curb at McCarran airport in any kind of a vehicle unless it's in the wee hours of the morning-- the place is consistently clogged with taxis and SUVs and cars. Also, which highway did they drive on? I assume they leave the airport via the connector (which goes under the runway) to the 215 then west to the 15 and north on to the Strip (which could be any of at least five exits). And which casino do they go to? It might help set the scene if it had a name, even a fictional one. I know it sounds like I'm splitting hairs, but details like these appeal to readers and make your story that much more believable.
I quite like the pacing of the story and the concept os good but I feel the ,main character is slightly cliched
Although the main character is well formed it would have been quite nice to see a break of the mould in terms of your stereotypical crime character.
I like the plot and definately think that it has potential.
Overall, I like this book for a number of reasons. The pacing good, plot buildup is fine, and characters, though a bit cliche' for me, as well as some of the interactive dialogue, is good enough to move things along at a good pace.
In general, I like the voice the author takes with Josie, the strong minded, independent protagonist. Again, though, some stereotypical character construction and dialogue accompany the plot.
The plot is structured and written nicely, building pace along the way through the first few chapters presented on line.
Overall, I think this does have potential. You just need to proofread a tiny bit. Sink needs no more, and capitalize each sentence after dialogue. There's also some superwordy sentences too.
Very well done. Just some typos for dialogue-don't end dialogue in periods before tags. Lowercase pronouns. Authentic and rich. And use asked for asking questions.
I love the concept. It's a cross between "Leverage" and "The Italian Job."
Greetings! As promised, here is the advertised critique :)I am going to stop at each section break to make comments for this review, there were a few things that jumped out at me during the first section -- not enough to warrant a stop, but enough that I didn't want to forget about them. I'll try to mark throughout which comments are for which section, so please forgive me if there is any confusion.Section One: I liked this section, it was pretty strong. There were a few things that bugged me, but I discuss this in the voice section. Overall, a decent hook. I *could* set the book down, but I'm not sure how you can improve the hook at this point. It is a little weak, but not so much so that I lost interest.Section 2: It seems like you have a double paste where you were doing edits around the point where she comments about her dominatrix outfit in atlanta -- there are two different versions of the paragraphs around that point.Overall, section two didn't feel quite as polished as section one, but it still kept me interested throughout the read.Chapter One Thoughts: Decent first chapter, but the first half of it really needs an improved hook, in my opinion. Compared to the second section, the first falls short.Chapter Two --You have a few sentences that need coherency checks through here. Overall, not a bad -- interesting, the plot moves forward and I didn't feel like stopping to read. However, there are some grammar errors that really need corrected and some run-ons that need to be eliminated.No real comments on this chapter, it moved the story along, necessary exposition, otherwise a pretty solid second chapter. It may have dragged on a little too long, but it wasn't so long that I lost interest.Chapter three: Nitpick: Do a search for cold -- one of them should be could :)I felt that pace slowed down considerably during chapter 3 -- a lot of revealing. The beginning was good, but once you got into Peter and Josie's relationship -again-, I think I reached my tolerance levels for it. Some of the banter was amusing, but it started to feel a bit repetitious. I started to lose interest after the parts of the museum were done. I would have liked a little more description on the setting.. You told us the name of the vault, and a little of what it looked like but you don't set up the setting as much as I think should be done:: the heart of the book seems to take place here, so you should take the time to fully describe the setting. It seems relevant. I dropped out towards the end of chapter 3 (this is how much I could manage in one sitting...), but pushed through to the end of that chapter at any rate. I will likely come back to continue reading -- I have bookmarked where I left off, but I just can't bring myself to plow on anymore at this point.Overall, I am giving this 3 stars. It isn't ready to be submitted, but for a work in progress, I think it has a great deal of promise. This is outside of my usual genre, but I was kept interested through most of Chapter 3. However, this was the drop-off for me.
Section 1 ::There are a few interesting word choices that drew my eye -- and not necessarily in a good way. For example, last sentence of section one. Shouldn't it 'then opened the door *for* the driver'. not 'to'? To somehow reads rough. A very big nitpick, I know, but there are similar examples to this scattered throughout this section, though the word in question has been 'this' instead of 'to'.An example of this being where it says, "get it together, Josie" -- the part where it says 'compulsive packing and itinerary for -this- job...' I feel that 'the' would feel a lot more natural. I'm not sure if it triggers a feeling of shift in the tense or what, but maybe consider watching out for those sections. They were jarring enough to make me stop and think over the sentence rather than keep reading.For general voice in section one, I quite liked it. You have an interesting character here -- we know she has some sort of interesting job, and one that involves quite a bit of money. There is a sense of suspense, which is nice, and you reveal a lot about the character in this section. Section Two: I absolutely love the first sentence of the second paragraph of this section. What a great voice here. That said, The second sentence of that same paragraph is so much of a mouth full my brain exploded. There were some hints of this wordiness in section 1, but this really hammered out the point for me.I would consider doing a search for every time you use 'this', reading the sentence without it, and seeing if it makes sense -- I think this will make a huge impact on your voice for the better.Chapter One Thoughts: Overall, not a bad voice for the type of story you're telling -- there are some hiccups that I think could use polish and improvement, but there is a pretty good start here.Chapter 2: Decent voice, needs some clarifications in sections and more polish than chapter one.Chapter 3: There were no notable changes in the voice -- which is a good thing. Your voice seemed to stay stable throughout.Overall, I am giving your voice two stars -- there is quite a lot of promise, but there are also a few kinks that I think need to be worked out. The polishing cloth will do a lot of good for this story. Your voice is strong, but there are some basic issues with it that I think need resolved before this story will be ready for publication. I was torn between giving two or three stars, truth be told. I feel it is appropriately a 2.5, but seeing as your voice included the first things to grab my attention in a negative fashion (in word choice and sentence structure in some cases), a little extra work would do the story well.
Section One: So far, there isn't much of an actual plot here. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I think it may be part of the reason I feel that the general hook is weaker than it could be.Section Two: The plot is really coming together at this point. I almost think you could cut out section one altogether and fill in some of the blanks as you go along -- things really started picking up here! I like this.Chapter Two: Hello, plot! You're really digging into the plot here -- good pacing for it. After reading through chapter two, I am even more convinced that Section One of Chapter One should be eliminated. This had all of the good stuff, just enough tension, just enough drama and a target to make the job interesting. This was a much better hook, plot wise, as well.Chapter Three:Nitpick: Wasn't the general plan for them to get together at 9 for breakfast? But he shows up at 8:30 using breakfast as an excuse to be early (Though it is possible I misread earlier?)Plot moves along at a good clip, we see the setup -- I think it was slowed down by more on the repetition of the romance, but it is forgivable :)Overall, I am giving the plot 3 stars. Not -quite- four stars for this, but getting really close. Tighten up some things, move the plot along a little bit faster in areas, and I think that this story will shine.Good luck with this!
I'm drawn into the first paragraph. It's easy to read and brings a vivid picture to my mind.In the first paragraph, the sentence...She wandered through her rooms instead, picking up items and sitting them down...should be...setting them down. I don't know if it's just me, but this reminds me of the ratpack. It has a really nice classy, laid back feeling. I like it. There were a few places that you could probably edit to make sentences have a little more punch. One example would be at 13% where she thinks...She dressed for herself, and no one else, she reminded herself. ...It has the word 'herself' twice. You could cut off the...she reminded herself...and it would still work. I love how you capitalize...Bad Thoughts.There is a paragraph at 17% that carries over into 18% that should probably be cut up into smaller sentences instead of the one long sentence. It starts...She visibly shrunk into the cushions...You can take a look at it and see what you think. At 25% the sentence...They stepped into the elevator as the doors opened and Peter hit twelve before Josie had a chance to herself. You could leave off the...to herself.I think this is a smart plot line so far.
I think you have a voice that has a unique feeling to it. I think it will only get stronger once you clean up some of the verbage.
Smart plot. For me it had a 'ratpack' type feeling to it. Like an 'Ocean's Eleven.' I think it has potential.
-Noticed little grammatical errors. No biggie. Easy fixes.-Sentences I really liked: "There was nothing to prepare her for the brightness of the day as she stepped out of the Las Vegas airport." I love the visual, and it makes me feel the heat immediately. "Trying to cover up her mistake, she pulled herself across the seats, hoping he'd pay attention to her legs instead of her mistake." This gives me a sense of the character, and it made me smile. -Good dialogue: "My god, it looks like a crayon box puked on the ceiling." I laughed. "While this is a tight dress, I have weapons on my person that could make you cry." I've been in situations where I've wished I could say something like that.-Backstory on mc and Brooks starting at 7%: I like finding something out about the mc now, especially concerning Brooks, but the paragraph is a little clunky. Too many extra filler words.-The mc mentions her bad feeling about the job too much. I like the initial mention. Then, it wouldn't be bad to wait and mention it again at the end of the first chapter. Then I would let it speak for its self for a while.-Some sentences just didn't click right. Ex: "She looked at the electric blue car as if she would either break it or it might bite her." I really like both the break and the bite, but put together I had to read the sentence twice. -9% Two words are switched around. At the bottom of the page, "Now you would please let go of my arm?" should be "Now would you..." -Michael's business card and comment to direct message him on twitter to get set up was great. I was just telling a friend this evening how twitter is so useful for networking and business, so reading this really made me laugh. -I like her banter with Peter. For some reason, I feel like he has an accent. I can't remember if it was mentioned, or if I just came to that conclusion myself, but he seems like a British, silly 007 for some reason.-Overall, I really enjoyed it. The only things that I found pulling me out of the read were the extra words where sentences need to be tightened up or combined, and the areas that lagged (I mentioned them below in plot). But they were enough to keep me from staying in the story. -I only read to 23%, but had to stop because I did not have time to read more. Believe me, I plan to pick it back up.
-Sentences need to be tightened up to delete some repetitive filler words, like "then", "them", "she". That would improve the flow, which would strengthen the overall voice. Ex: The sentence at 1%, "She beat the packet of bills against her leg as she made another circuit around the immaculate condo, not bothering to look out the floor-to-ceiling windows to the skyline of Atlanta that had come with a large price tag," could be tightened up to be, "She beat the packet of bills against her leg, not bothering to notice the skyline of Atlanta that had come with a large price tag." I could gather already that she was an overly tidy person, which is why I cut that out of the revised sentence. The best trick, I've found, for repeat words is to highlight the little buggers. Once you can identify which fallback words are your most repetitive, print each chapter and go to town with a different highlighter for each word. And then figure out a way around at least 80% of them. Not every single one, of course, because sometimes a sentence really needs a "she" or "that", etc. -Overall, I like Josie. She reminds me of the type of characters I write; Ballsie women with quirks and spunky humor who get down to business. And your mc's attitude is reminiscent of Laurel Hamilton's Anita Blake. I only gave voice 3 stars because it could be so much stronger if the mc was not muddled in the extra words or confusing sentence structures, like too much in one sentence, or too much over a course of a few sentences that could be condensed into one (Possibly like the ones I just wrote. :)
The plot kept my attention. I wish it was faster paced, such as the beginning in her condo, the points between getting to Vegas and meeting the crew, and the actual meeting with the crew. I only gave it 3 stars for the pacing that drags the plot down.
I think you have a lot of work to do with this. I read two chapters. I stopped when I saw the Gucci name dropped at the start of Chapter Three.I found your writing ungainly in many places., and your characterisation troubling. I assume we're meant to believe Josie finds Peter attractive despite herself. Nothing you write justifies that, excep the sentence where you basically say it is so. He's no Mr Darcy, fo sho.Similarly, there was no reason for Alicia to hate Josie on site. She hadn't had to read the first two chapters, after all.You may have a good story here, but I never found it. You need to make it easy for your readers to read. And you need to give them reasons to care and someone to like.
Your voice has potential but too much of the writing is clumsy. I recommend reading out loud to spot places where iit needs particular care and attention. I also find the name-dropping grating., Franz Marc, Bugatti, Manolo Blahnik, Christian Louboutin. Gucci. Even Twitter. You seem to be using brand names as short cut sign posts to things that you should be describing in other ways. I find that very 1980s. Why not make Josie self-conscious about her love of shoes? Give her an ironic sense of her own ridiculousness? It would help to make her human and likeable and might justify at least some of those designer labels.
After two chapters, all I had was a crook who was nervous about a job with a bunch of people I wouldn't trust to tell me the time. I have no way of assessing your overall plot.
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