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Stage: an all-night eatery in the early AM. Dramatis personae: two women, a street gang, neo-nazi thugs, a Christian minister and an old man who claims to be Wotan. Cue winter storm and . . . action! (Note: inspired by Robert E. Howard's "The Gray God Passes" and Harlan Ellison's "The Whimper of Whipped Dogs." Originally published in slightly altered form [sans prologue and epilogue] in "newWitch" magazine, issue #10. All rights held by the author.)
WARNING! This is an extremely graphic and violent tale. Please stop reading now if you are disturbed by such material. NOTE: I apologize for the white double-space line issue that appears intermittently throughout the text. I'm at a loss as to how to resolve this technical issue. When I intend there to be a break in chronology or otherwise scene-shift within the text I mark the transition with three page-centered asterisks, thusly: "***".
The outstanding, shining strength of this story is in the characterization. The author is very effective in painting a scene and populating it with interesting people. The dialog is good and the story is interesting. A few great lines, plus everyone likes to see Neo Nazis get theirs. I did get a bit confused between all the characters.
The voice is strong but almost doesn't match the story itself. The difference between the setting and the vocab choice sometimes rings falsely high-falutin', for lack of a better term. As much as I like a rich vocabulary, it feels at odds with the setting and a bit like the author is trying too hard. This may be a deliberate stylistic choice, however, or delivered from Wotan's perspective - whose dialog is pitch perfect.
I felt that the central portion of the story - where the men are tormenting the two women while Daniel and Wotan talk - could be tightened.
Hi Carl!Just wanted to take a peak at this and thought I'd leave my comments in the process ;)Overall it's a very intriguing story. I've always been captivated by theology, especially with regards to the ancient gods and goddess. I think you do a great job setting us up to discover who Wotan is.The characters are vivid and the description beautiful. I had a bit of an issue with pacing in the first half (see pacing comments). Your language is that of higher literature, rather than the popular fiction, so I did have to adjust to that. I don't think that's a bad thing or anything to change, just an observation.
This might have been on purpose, but I noticed that the voice changed minutely after his death. More confidence perhaps? Or just him returning to himself? Anyway, his voice was strong throughout. I got a good sense of him from the narrative and the dialogue.
So far, I'm finding that there a quite a few long, descriptive sentences that are slowing me down. Ex. "The threadbare overcoat draping his withered frame flapped in a gust of wind, causing him to tighten his grip on the brass-headed oak can that took his weight." You could cut that into two sentences, maybe even three. This runs throughout the story, though it is less noticeable in the second half (when the action starts).
Thank you for the close reading and review, Lisa! Nice to hear from you again.Re: PACING: I'm always writing and re-writing my sentences, looking for that optimal mixture of rhythm, precision, variety and aptness that aggregate to form the well-wrought paragraph.The problem is—I freely confess it—I've a fondness for the occasional long, adjectival-heavy sentence that unspools into eruptions of sight, sound and smell, counter-pointing the staccato rhythm of shorter, punchier clauses and sentences. (But even I can see that there is perhaps one too many adjectives in that particular sentence. Thank you for drawing my attention to it. I’ll play around with the l’il monster and see if I can’t “murder one of my darlings” right there on the critical first page of the story.)Good luck to you in your own writing! PS. You should have seen the now excised prologue and epilogue. OMG! I mean . . . just . . . OMG!;)
Hello Carl,Well, I've read the story twice and the Prologue/Epilogue about 4 or 5 times, and I see what you are trying to do. The main body of the story is the usual superior work I've come to expect from you (which would get 4 to 5 stars). The prologue/epilogue on the other hand....see overall rating. I think in order to get the noir feel you are going for you will really need to cut it back. What follows here are my notes as I read the prologue the 2nd time: Saxophone dented by spent 9mm round??? I have no idea what that means. Not sure first paragraph works. Prologue some of the worst writing I've encountered from you. Overheated - too long. Rule of 3's - put three descriptives in a sentence, no more.2nd and 3rd paragraph arrgh! Forgot the kitchen sink "...whose spiral stains marked the last despair of chicken parts and rotten fruit, robbed for the rest of eternity of the immaculate love of Sol and damned to the festering hell of algal vats at the end of the line - the sewage treatment plant." No offense, but that's how it struck me. I know what you are trying to do (read the Prologue of my book Agony of the Gods and you'll see something similar - and I've gotten a lot of grief for that). I still think this can work, but pick a few images (cut about 50-75%) and make them sharp. You don't want to lose the reader by paragraph 3. If you do it well, the point/counter point will work, otherwise you either lose the reader or it reads like the Guy Noir open/close on Prairie Home Companion.BTW An extended cab pickup truck??? Well, maybe for neo-nazi skinheads that works. Somehow it struck me as odd. I would have had them in a rusted out muscle car - maybe just a regional difference. Love the first jacket logo - if you made this up you should market it!
As usual, excellent job. I believed it all - what more can I say?
With exception of Prologue/Epilogue it carried me along nicely.
I'm going to drop the prologue and epilogue; they're no longer needed. The former was written to get me into the mood to tell the story; the latter exists because I didn't trust the reader enough to take away anything from the story but a sense of nihilistic doom and despair. And, of course--because I fell in love with my soul-screamed, brain-wrenched words and couldn't bear to "murder my darlings". Yet die they must, for the greater good of the tale.
At first I wanted to jump up, with my editor hat firmly in place, and scream, "Too many adjectives." Then I realized I wasn't seeing the wood for the trees. yes, there is an over abundance of adjectives, adverbs etc, but somehow you make it work--well done.Apart from a few things, like at 12%, referring to a jacket as "whose." I would probably suggest a period after color and say, The tattered edges.....19% about the kid was a bit confusing until I read it again, but it broke the flow for me. Not a major sin :-)24% I would dump the "by" preceding "peals of laughter"You have some beautiful imagery around your characters--love it.26% "knee-deep in a drift....." Is that yours or a quote from a poem I'm obviously not familiar with? I'm assuming it's the old man reminiscing. If it's yours it's brilliant.There is a bit of head-hopping and I think if you warned the reader that it was going to happen it might flow better, but it isn't a major bump in the road.You really have some classic comments--too many to mention, but I loved the clotted gristle of his nose at 60%. It conjured up this wonderfully, revolting image--great stuff.62% the "compadre" jarred a bit, given that they are neo-Nazi.At 65% the gang-bangers disappear into the night. at 67% Kurt is knocking his knee on a table and vince scrambles free of Tanyika--did I miss something?I knew the old man was some sort of Nordic warrior--I got so excited to find out he was. You picked a most unlikely candidate and I loved that.77% Woden topples on top of his victim's body then in the next moment he is standing astride the corpse--granted he is dying, but when did he get up?You bring it together again from 89%Towards the end you wax lyrical again, but it kind of fits.The cat at the end--I would say, "the cat" it sort of ties the beginning to the end with the three-legged cat.I really enjoyed it, over the top prose and all. Well done.
You have a flowing, poet's voice, my friend. I enjoy it.
The pacing is excellant until 84% then it beomes a blur and rather mangled, loosing me. I would like to see more of this particular series of scenes. LOL I suspect you became afraid of offending your readers because you bring it all together from 89%.
You asked about prologues/epilogues. Personally, I like prologues. They're mood-setters and could be used when needed a big pic reference, or to show a chunk of backstory that doesn't fit in the rest of the story. Your prologue is a mood-setting, nicely-written piece. Good. I instantly see everyone in the scene. Good.Where are we? You did a great job of showing the surroundings, so my guess is some large city in the Northern hemisphere. But I shouldn't be guessing.At times it feels that the language gets in a way of the story.Don't take the easy street with "African-American companion." It's out of the rest of your linguistic pattern. Sounds like a teacher, or a racist in recovery. Just describe. By the way, I know tens of African-Americans who are blonde, but you counted that we will generalize and assign her the Caucasian race. Sorry for my redundancy, but If someone reads your story for its linguistic values, he'll be satisfied. Someone who needs a story might get lost. Finding a balance would be my suggestion.I like your dialogs. I wasn't sure the PoV dive into the Kurt's head was necessary."a pack of hyenas" is a bit melodramatic. Besides, who said/thought that? The author. The narrator can be intrusive sometimes.Don't use ellipsis before the sentence.I'd omit the repeating of the beginning at the end in that length. Maybe find one-two striking details to come to the full circle.Is it a book or a short? I see Wotan's conflict, but the ending was somewhat confusing from the perspective of the given conflict. Wotan seems to know about what's going to happen to Vince, for instance, after his death, but was not sure about what's happening to him. He claims to be a god.The tone--my favorite--is well chosen here. Dark with a whiff of steam-punk. Nice.
Strong voice when it's not written to impress. Don't let the narrator to stick out.
I like your pacing. Even when wordy, it moves because it's punchyThe writing is good for the intro, but it will affect the pace in a longer piece.
I love the feel of this story, start to finish. The opening and closing sections did not feel hallucinatory, but rather made me think of New York City with its myriad people, places, and experiences. They provided a frame for the picture painted by the main story.
The voice is strong and compelling. I didn't find the prose purple but heavily descriptive. There is a staccato to this that reminds me of old school noir, and I think it works well with the setting.
This is one of those situations where you know what's coming - the conflict, intervention, inevitable fall - but that certainty allows for unfolding the scene as much through characters as action. It's a nice balance.
I like this a lot, which is why I hesitate to ask something that might be very obvious to everyone else, but isn't clear to me.Apparently Wotan has just enough strength left for one last fight. It's a nice touch that he spends it fighting against goons wearing Nordic symbols. It's not clear why he has waited so long, getting older and frailer, but I suppose his last stand had to take place somewhere.So why did he hang around the earth so long? He seems to have had a crew of worshipful valkyries awaiting his orders in Valhalla, and it appears that he is now restored to some kind of power and authority. Surely he hasn't been wandering around the world for centuries hoping for a renaissance of the ancient religion? Did he not know that he could die and rule in Valhalla?This might just be something that has to be accepted as a given for the story to work, which is okay. This is incredibly minor, but also an honest question: I like "overly bright notes of a saxophone dented by a spent 9mm round" as a noirish passage, but I was stopped, wondering how something could be dented by a spent round. Perhaps I don't understand the meaning of spent in reference to firearms - I thought it meant a bullet that had already been shot, and pictured someone picking up an old bullet off the floor and hurling it at a saxophone. But this might just be my own ignorance. (I told you this was a minor point.)
I like the voice very much. I can almost hear this read by Frank Muller, one of the most gifted of Audiobook readers. One quibble - I don't think a gang-banger would call an old man Spindlesticks. The epithet is almost Shakespearian.
The fight scene staging is a little confusing, which slowed me down. At 64% the gang-bangers have exited the diner, "disappearing into the night."Then somehow they are all still in the diner, and Vince is on the floor with Tanyika. Kurt is still sitting at a table, since he bangs his knee against it when he jumps up. How and when did they get back inside?Aside from that, I like the pacing - and I like the purple prose. It all works well; this reads like a graphic novel, and I can see it as a cartoon (that is a compliment; I hope you read it that way).
What a great read...i thoroughly enjoyed this...from the breif glimpses of age old norsic myth to the clamminess of the cafe as the main setting i was completely gripped throughout.The characters had substance and depth, i especially loved;'if you can read this, the bitch fell off'...and the whole paragraph ther-in...it gave such a vision and clarity.The idea of belief lending substance, hence Wotan's current condition is superb.Fantastic, I will be following your writing in the future.
Comfortable and easy, though the starter and ender...I have used this type of repeating narrative before myself in shorts and poetry...it either works or it doesnt! Does it here...I think you pull it off though for me the story wouldnt be any worse with the ending repeat removed.
I found myself instantly gripped and the pace constant enough to keep me engrossed throughout...hard to fault!
Terrific. There is, as with the last story, very little to say in the way of critique. I enjoyed this very much.
Personally, I enjoyed the purple passages, both at the beginning and the end. Do you absolutely need them? No, probably not. But they had an over-the-top extravagance that I thought added something. You have an excellent ear for the whip-flourish phrase, the sort that both seduces with its elegance and leaves a laceration. (Purple praise for purple prose.) If you are going to go purple, may as well go all the way.
Another possible alternative to excising the opening and the ending might be simply slimming them both down a bit, particularly the closing one. I did not greatly feel the need for the denouement, though you did a nice job with it. If it were 3/4s of a page instead of one and a half, it might intrude less.
Good. I can see why they dumped the beginning and ending, though. I understand what you're doing with them, but I don't think it's necessary. The grim and bleak points are established well within the body of the story. I might spend a little more time on establishing Sonja and Tanyika. Possibly Daniel as well. These are the real connections with the unknown/unknowable Wotan. That's assuming you wanted it to come across literally instead of figuratively-- i. e. - a metaphor for the pointlessness of existence, etc.
Solid. As I said, I would have liked to see a little more insight into Sonja and Tanyika, though. I got some feel for them but I would have liked more. The nazis are excellently loathsome and the priest well-baffled.And I must say the 'purple prose' was a little overwhelming right there at the beginning.
Works well. It does take a little while to get around to Wotan, though. Maybe put a bit more of him earlier in the story . . .?
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