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Hailey returns home to find out that she has a sister she was never told about. her lover is betraying her and she ends up pregnant. she falls inlove with her best friend and he takes over the fatherly role for her twins. while she has to deal with so many emotions, plus being pregnant, she has been having strange dreams about people in her family turning into animals. During complications with her pregnancy, her twins are born prematurely, and she learns her dreams might just be true.
Let me know what you think about the new begining. also if there is anything that you would like to comment on that is not a point of feedback criteria, please do so. all feedback is welcome.
It's intriguing but the plot gets moves from plot thread to plot thread without a smooth linking, so confusion as to who and when sets in. Also, the grammer makes it a little confusing. I know I struggle with this so have my utmost sympathy. Also, you address one character as Jacob or Jake a few times - is this meant to be Austin, Jayson or someone else?. That said, I think this has lots of potential - just polish up the first chapters a little before moving on. Keep at it, Kimberly, I'm sure you could polish this up to be really really good - it has the potential!
Hailey's character seems younger than someone at college? I think she took her father's adultery a little too lightly. Her mother sprang the news on her a little too casually - shopping for a remarriage dress! This kind of shock and anger would be a little hard to shrug off and her mother's character is a little thin - to do that to her daughter in a crowded room? I also would like a better physical description of Hailey. I'm not sure about the rest of the family's interaction with Lilly and each other- what does Austin think? Why doesnt her father talk to her about it all instead of ignoring it? Why doesnt Hailey confront them about it? What about Anna? What does she think and what happened to her? Give alittle more details about the parents 'troubles' to make it more believable and give it more emotional resonance.
It is shaping up, and did start to draw me in but gets confusing. The parts with Ethan seem to jump about quickly and it gets hard to separate past and present. The same with the Lilly dilema when Hailey storms off to her room and she and Austin sit on her bed..
believable, upscale familysympathetic heroinebelievable conversation
explain more WHY Hailey's mother so readily accepts the ex-wedlock child her husband produced only four years ago.Hailey's shock is more believable.
If Hailey will have nightmare horrors about her family, begin them sooner to indicate that all is not well in this rich, apparently paradise of a family. Give Jacob the servant a different name that doesn't begin with J, like the brother, unless two similar J names become crucial to the plot. I notice that again, as with Murder in a Small Town, author relies on accidental meeting of potential lovers.
Greetings!Thanks for looking over both of my books -- greatly appreciated. :) I'm here to return the favor. Like I told you on twitter, I'll take my time with this and give you as much thorough feedback as possible -- please don't be discouraged! Writing a book is hard, and every writer goes through the learning phase. Chin up and don't be overwhelmed by the amount of data here!This is how I'll format this review: I review on section (that way, when I drop out of reading, you'll know exactly where I dropped out and why.)As promised, I'm going to try to notice everything I see and give you as thorough of a review as possible.Chapter One:Knowing you haven't been writing long, I'm going to be a bit more nit-picky than usual. That said, I'll only nitpick on a specific thing once:This isn't grammar so much as formatting, but in the first paragraph, "Yeah" should become its own individual paragraph. Heather isn't speaking here, so your other character's commentary should go on the next line.Whenever you have internal dialogue, make certain you put a comma after the last word of the thought and the dialogue / thought tag -- this smooths the reading out.Minor nitpick -- Remove the line about 'paused a moment to take in my reflection' :: just talk about the reflection. Using reflections is a bit cliche, but it works well enough here.A major thing I noticed -- and a very common mistake done by brand-new writers is the use of past and present tenses together. (Were and are being decent examples of this.) -- Present tense, which you primary write in, is very difficult to sustain. As you work on this story and rewrite it, I really recommend sticking with past first. Past first is the easiest of the firsts to write, and is the one I find most bearable. (I'm honestly a past-third type of girl, which does flavor my opinion a little.Typo: died it that color => dyed it that color is what you want -- in general watch out for words that sound the same but have different spellings, since processors won't catch that.Comma Usage: You write natural comma spliced sentences, but you forget to add the commas. For example -- His father Joseph Carter worked for us before we moved back to Minnesota. :: It should read: His father, Joseph Carter, worked for us before we moved back to Minnesota. Once again, a nitpick, but I think this is the second or third time I've seen something like this until this point. Comma splicing (or interjecting a though or piece of information in mid sentence) can be a very useful tool. It is just really important you watch out not to abuse it and try to remember your commas.More comma commentary: I think you'll really improve your general writing if you take a bit of time to pick up a book on grammar: Particularly punctuation. I'm not a master of it either, but you have a bad relationship with the comma right now. It really looks like someone lectured you about the overuse of the comma and you went to the other extreme and tried to use them as sparingly as possible. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the comma is a very versatile tool. Don't be afraid of it.A common example of missing commas throughout this piece is this:During the trip to the airport:"Yes that would be very helpful thank you." -- The sentence isn't bad, pretty natural, except for the missing commas. "Yes,* that would be very helpful, thank you." Could use either a period or a comma here. I prefer the comma, personally.Many people pause a little before saying thank you at the end of a sentence, which is why I feel that the comma is more natural.I'm noticing a potential issue with dialogue tags."This is a sentence," that someone said. :: This is standard dialog formatting.Example: "I am going to G3," I managed to spit out. "Ah, sure...(etc)."In this example, the words are directly linked to the dialog tags.However, I have seen instances where this isn't the case, so I'll make up something random to show this."Damnit!" I shrieked as I threw the bottle of mustard on the floor, "Stupid, idiotic, useless, no good..."It can be a slippery slow, but in the case of a standard sentence with a period, it should *usually* be a comma to go into the dialogue tag.Just some notes on pacing -- right now, your chapter one is very slow. There are no *real* events that establish a good hook. Something that might help is this: Write yourself a note on a post-it somewhere you can see. It should read something along the lines of "I want to entertain my readers" -- and start considering of ways to do just that. When you re-read your story, consider if you would be enthralled and fascinated by what is going on. Is there tension? (Tension doesn't need to be *action* -- it just needs to be there in some form of another. Conflict is a major source of tension.)I think if you nail this down, you'll be well on your way to really improving as a writer. Chapter Two ::I really prefer chapter two over chapter one. There is a lot more tension, a lot more drama, and a lot more characters. I think chapter one should be cut completely and filled in as back information later in the book. Start your book with chapter two, I think it will really improve the pacing.Once again, there were a lot of comma errors, mostly along the lines of the ones I've already mentioned. It really, really does come to mind that it looks like you're cutting commas or neglecting them in fear of using too many, and resulted in using too few of them.As a general pacing comment, It really feels like you're trying to blitz through as much as possible in this one chapter. Slow down. Take your time. Describe things. Let your characters have conversations. When a tiny scene (like dinner) ends, go to a new scene -- can be in the same chapter, but add the scene breaks. This will really help improve the general flow.I dropped out at the end of Chapter Two for several reasons -- first, in its current state, trying to keep all of the information on who is who in my head is verrrry challenging. There is just soo much stuff going on, so many named characters that might be important, that it is very challenging trying to not get lost. This required a lot of brain power, and is what fatigued me by the end of Chapter Two. I think taking the time to do more thorough description and forcing yourself to slow down will really improve your overall writing quality.Overall, I am giving this two stars -- you have a foundation of a good plot in chapter two, and you have an interesting cast of characters. However, there is a lot of work that needs done in telling the story in such a way where it serves the grand purpose of entertainment. All in all, I think the most useful piece of advice I can offer you at this point is to pick up a few grammar books and try to learn how to improve your grammar on your own. Grammar takes practice and time. I would try to set aside thirty minutes to an hour a day trying to understand your weakest parts of language. Practice it in exercise prompts as well. Practice makes perfect.This is the motto I live by: It takes one million bad words to write a good one.Have heart and keep at it!
Chapter One:Over the course of Chapter One, you do a lot of exposition and a lot of true character development. You tell us a lot about your upcoming staff of characters, but we don't really *see* your character in action. In reality, all that happens in this chapter is that she goes to the airport and returns home, and you spend a lot of words doing this. The general pacing of this becomes very, very slow.For example, when you introduce Heather, introduce her as her dorm mate and best friend. Best friends do have set greetings sometimes -- this isn't uncommon, especially when they encounter each other in a work environment. However, because they're such close friends, wouldn't Heather just say, "The Usual?" -- I know when I go somewhere where I know the person at the counter well, they usually just say that. :)Just something to think about. You could do a great deal of condensing of this chapter if you focus on developing the characters rather than telling us about characters we haven't met yet. SHOW us Martha and the hatred between them. You can do that right at the house as she is going on. For example, when they meet face to face, as Hailey walks off, she could call the old woman a nag under her breath -- that would show us a lot more of her contempt for the woman than the many paragraphs explaining why. Also, by the comments martha makes of the clothes, we can figure out a lot about her temper and lifestyle. This shows us a lot more about characters than the exposition you do.When I read, I want to be put right with the characters that are being developed and carried along with them on whatever adventures they go on. Instead of showing us your character doing things, actively pursuing life, the universe and everything, she focused on people we don't meet. This doesn't show us much of Hailey's true character. Chapter Two ::There is a lot more character development in Chapter two -- you really start trying to get into Hailey's head and show us how she reacts to things. This is good. However, I would really consider how you approach all of the character introductions. You really, really blitz through this.Treat your novel like a glass of fine wine. It should be savored and enjoyed. Characters should be sniffed delicately and savored in small sips. Don't cram all of your characters into as few scenes as possible -- they aren't going anywhere.By all of the cramming you do, it really feels like you rely on stereotypes to create your characters. I think you'll greatly fix this if you take the time to let each scene unfold in a more stoic pacing. You're getting closer -- I can see the improvement as you go from situation to situation, but it isn't there yet.In general, you have a lot of promise with your characters, but they aren't quite there yet. Hailey is starting to become really interesting. That said, I have to rank this as two stars because there is just too many characters thrown in too little time for them to really develop and growl.
Chapter One:The plot so far here is non-existent. Having family troubles of this nature doesn't usually make a solid plot. At this point in time, the only glimmer of a plot is the inherent amount of chaos that Hailey is considering by bringing Heather into the household just to annoy Martha.Your first chapter should really consist of at least a significant part of the plot to come. For example, if Hailey wants Heather to visit, you could consider starting the book with Hailey giving Heather a call and them talking about their separation. You show us they are separated (and thus skip a lot of the exposition while still explaining things). You also show that Hailey cares for Heather.Chapter Two :: Chapter Two had a lot of potential plot elements. I almost want to say that it has too much. You blitz through sooooo much here that my head is spinning as I try to digest it all. The first chapter you didn't have a lot, the second you A-bomb'd me with plot devices and character information. If this story was a horse, I'd be squealing 'woah!' as the animal ran away with me. This isn't necessarily a bad thing -- a lot of ideas is a great characteristic to have as a writer. Keep this and treasure this. It will do you well later, but try to make one scene focus on one or two, sometimes three, necessary plot points. Slow yourself down and focus on the big things that are really important. This will really, really help.Overall, your plot creativity is the strongest point of your writing. Because of this, it is getting a three star ranking. I'm not sure how the fantasy aspects will fit into this book as of yet, but I do see a good dramatic plot starting in with the family elements, friendships and the likes. Once you hammer out your flaws in writing, I think this creativity will really take you somewhere.Good luck with the story. I hope this helps.
A good first attempt! You've got a lot of potential in your characters. You have made some grammar errors, everybody does, so no big deal. But they will distract from the story, just so you know. I would recommend a rewrite, and when you do, don't leave anything out, but physically shorten the sentences by cutting out words. This will make your writing more dense and it will flow easier for us readers. Also focus on what is important, mention what is trivial, but drop whatever doesn't matter. For instancy, we don't really need to know the leather chair in the coffee shop is the most comfortable chair in the whole world, we just need to know it's a comfortable leather chair by the fireplace. At the same time, giving us some more information about your protaganists is important, and we could use some more details up front just to know who is talking to us.
The most developed character so far is Martha. We know what she looks like, how she acts, and how she operates. This character is well developed. I would like to know more about the protagonists up front. How old is she? Why is she here? What does she look like (A convienent mirror behind the bar showing a sleepy, hair akimbo Hailey, for example)? I'm not sure, but the rest of players might be better introduced later, instead of laying them out in the first chapter, but that is your call. Develop every character like Martha, and you will really make the book sparkle.
Your environmental descriptions do need some work. Don't make us guess your protaganist is at a coffee shop, tell us and give us sensory information. Such as the smell of the place. Coffee shops smell like coffee, so how does Hailey react to that so early in the morning? Are there any more early risers in there (which would be a minor point, so one sentence would be enough.) What kind of sounds are there? Even silence should be mentioned.Pin the locations down a little more. For example, the coffee shop could be near the college (Name the college), just a short walk from the dorms/apts.
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