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Each of us, in some moment of despair, has expressed the unreachable wish to do things all over again, differently. But if we really could, would we? Harry Stripling, 82, a once-celebrated archaeologist and adventurer, is today a has-been, hinged only to the past, having retired to the Bahamian island of Bimini. On one bright morning, during an unfamiliar moment of renewal, Stripling pushes his luck, recklessly inviting calamity. And it finds him. Tortures him, rewards him, denies him. Thus begins a perfect nonplus of identity and deception, events that question sanity, medical certainties, legal conventions, implacable vows. Harry's passionate alliance with a stunning young woman; his collegiate act of hubris that takes the life of a dear friend; the final midnight sail during a killer hurricane. And his funeral, at which he himself officiates. Seemingly Impossible yet logical events close the circle around a tortuous and imaginative journey.
(No author's note)
Hi Ed, see you've been busy. And it's paid off! I'm only on chapter 3, but I'm really enjoying this improvement. I wanted to give this for now and say that I'm glad up to chapter 3, you've kept it between Harry and his wife so far. I'm able to follow easily and the story is still connected. You have some things in your writing that hurt the pace and tension, I addressed what I found, hope I didn't get too long winded, more is better in crits, I think. None of it's major, and easy fixes if you so choose, but I do think they are very important to the success of a good story. I'll do more later and put it in the comments seciton. You have a very short, intriguing chapter one. What does chapter one do to me? It makes me have to know what has happened to this old man Harry to reverse his age. I know by the end of chapter one that it happened at the waters edge. So, we eagerly turn the page to chapter two and you continue in good order. But...this is where you have to be really careful. Your hope is to ensure that readers will want to read past your hook. The opening of your story set the TENSION in the line from the hook to story. It PROMISES things that I expect. Your opening did that, or you did it, so YOU have to deliver what you promise or I'm going to be an unhappy reader. My frustration begins slowly in chapter 2. You start out good. "out of nowhere it had come. Then, you bring me to the moment at the water. You briefly talk about his dog, but then you talk too much, I think about him. Harry approached, his lanky body slouched, head hung low, turned-down mouth, his leathery face etched...too much all at once, you have an entire story to show us this character, a little here, a little there. Then you say "all gave him away as a man who had given up, a man reconciled to the truth of hwat he'd become: a helpless has-been, a loner...Cut back on some of this, remember what I'm reading for, "what happened to him at the edge of the water that reversed his age" When you do character exposition or setting, sprinkle it within the story as you go. Character description and setting should be used like adjectives within the story. Not too many, but enough to add color, depth, richness without choking the story. Let the story come first, and lightly decorate it with character description and setting as we move along. Okay, you must not hate me, but right after this, you go on to more indepth setting, pausing the story to do so. The entire paragraph is ALL about the islands. If somebody asked me, what is the subject of this paragraph, I would answer, Bimini. Now, ask yourself, does this paragraph add to the tension of what happened at the waters edge or slacken the tension. For me, it slackens. If all these details about Bimini is important to the plot, you have time to show them. But more important is your tension right now. You haven't hooked your reader hard enough to slack on it. Later, you can elaborate more, a little here and there, but never EVER, in large chunks. I need to learn about Bimini without even being aware that you're teaching me. Setting shouldn't be noticed in the writing, it should be sort of nonchalant. If you take all of that information you gave on Bimini and attach one at a time each time you mention the island or where he lives, you'll have it in there in no time, and I won't have noticed that you did it. That's good setting art. Same for character description. Okay, you start the story again at "Stopping to stretch,"I still like how he's disgusted at his quick fatigue, poor guy. That makes me feel for him.you told the color of the dog at the opening of chapter two and again when he meets hiim to dry on the beach. Too close together, mkaes it redundant.And the old man knew that Digger somehow sensed that this was not to be just another one of Harry Striplings uneasy mornings....you don't need this foreshadow with adults. For kids, they might need to be reminded tthat something amazing happened at the waters ledge, but we get it the first time and don't like to be batied with the same bait twice.asking himself the unanswerable...why don't you just have him ask himself the questions and we'll know that way. It's less narrated and more real feeling. That's when it hit him. (More narration that isn't needed. Just show it. LIke: Harry edged closer, claiming Digger's haunch as a pillow. Where did it all go? How do you make an eighty-year run, then wake up knowing half of it has no meaning?Something unnatural flowed through his body. A whoosh of air, faceless, seeming to tickle over every cell in his body beginning from somewhere in his middle and exploding out. Wow! What-the-hell-was-that? He lay down again(no, no, no, too soon. You have to play this moment, this is THE moment. He needs to look at his hands, think about how it felt, try and remember ever feeling antyhing like it, anything to drag the moment out, give it the word space and time it deserves, make it important. But you get the idea with the example, notice I gave the "thing" more description also, you're creating this thing that happened to him, but you need to sit down and ask yourself how it actually felt and find words or comparisons to describe it to the reader, make it real. It's a good exercise in writing when you have to explain or show the unexplainable. There's always a way)Then have him flop back down exhausted and reminisce, but I would open with "Despite his loggy feeling, his lower back nagging, his bum leg..."because that way, I know right away that whatever just happened didn't take immediate effect or may not have been the "thing" that happened at the waters edge and is still to come.I like his conversation with the dog. I could see Clint Eastwood playing this part. Need to take out "yet" on "yet he downed a daily regimen of pills...because the sentence just before it explains the "yet"At 2% last paragraph, just have him get up and start walking, don't stop a good story to tell another story about what he used to do in his younger days. If you want to include it here, insert bits and pieces as he's walking. You probably need to elaborate the story of his wife and the cancer just a bit more. It is very rushed. I don't need a whole lot more, maybe just more on what you did show. Although, I"m already in tears reading, if you do much more, I'll be sobbing. But really, that's what we read for, an emotional experience. Nothing like real life to do that. Besides that, it ties us harder to Harry and we need that. I'm almost wondering if maybe this part of chapter 2 shouldn't come before the beach scene? That way, when I'm at the beach with Harry and his dog, I'm much more attached to him. I found it heart renting that he kept returning to her bed and kissing her, hoping she'd come back alive.sobbing like a two year old just...made me cry.I can't handle watching grown men cry like that without losing it.The paragraph after about "for wheaver it's worth, gorgeous, there's another one of these boxes..." I really think you don't need that entire paragraph, maybe just: "hang in will you? Wait for me." then have him kiss her for the last time. Just a suggestion, to make the moment less wordy, too many words here takes away from the impact, for me anyway. Just a suggestion.That last paragraph of: It was more his sense of the mathematical that had brought Harry face to face with his own mortality...when you get to "By less exacting measure, he felt he'd missed far more than he dreamed of way back then as a young fellow with this woman, his life." (I need to know what that means, can you specify with something?)If you do switch these scenes, then the next one that currently follows the death of his wife will fit perfectly because it's a continuance of the first beach scene, I"m sure you're aware.Suggest NOT opening chapter 3 with that first paragraph. You could easily start with the second one and keep us in the story.He goes over the feeling in his stomach but I think it needs work.
I like the voice, but sometimes it feels omniscient and it doesn't need to be, Harry is an interesting character and try tinting all sentences with Harry's pov. Which means no omniscient stuff informing me that it's not Harry telling this story. It only happened a few times and I wished I'd have marked it, sorry. I hear an accent or dialect by the way he speaks in dialogue, am I correct?
I think the story that you show so far up to chapter 3 shows great character development. It's MUCH more focused, good job. If you reaarange the things I suggested and elaborate on the things I mentioned, I think it would improve the character development even more. Of course, all of this is my opinion, take what you feel fits your story.
Hi, Ed. I'm going to try and make notes as I go along. Chapter 1 Harry feels pretty good. He's able to do some physical things that please him, yet in Chapter 2 he is disgusted with his quick fatigue and his shrunken life. Maybe there needs to be a distinction between two events to separate them. As it stands, it feels like a contradiction.Chapter 3...I'm totally confused with the years. Harry said their wedding picture was taken in '46. Later, he says by 1957 he knew it was time. Then, he goes to visit her at work, and says he hasn't seen her since '42. Chapter 4...there is a paragraph at 20% ..it starts, "They soon arrived..." The third sentence has two 'again's in it. Once again the boy again called...You could probably take out the 'once again'. Chapter 5 I'm wondering why the doctor would not have called for emergency transportation for Harry, if Harry were in such bad shape. I was caught off guard with the new character, Ruby because she is presented as someone Harry has spent a considerable amount of time with. It seemed that the doctor's request to fly him to Fort Lauderdale was an afterthought. Maybe move that up in the chapter.Chapter 6...A page break would be good at 38% between the paragraph talking about Ruby and the paragraph talking about his quietude. Chapter 7...at 42% Harry says, 'I guess I passed out again.' But, I went back, and I can't tell where he passed out the first time.Chapter 14 ended on a strange note for me. Chapter 15...I'm not really understanding why the exploration of Charles and Ruby. I felt like the story got sidetracked.
I like Harry's voice. It gets lost along the way once other details to the story take over.
When more of the story was added, although I learned more details about Harry, I thought they were scattered and were hard to piece together.
I like this opening, your writing helps pull me through sentence to sentence like one of those great waves you sometimes catch and just have to ride it.I'm usually grossed out with old people feeling young again and doing young things, but you've managed to pass that test, good job.You broke the spell at the paragraph: Incredulous, Harry went back to the bed and sat there, naked--legs akimbo,(how many people know what that is by the way) chin to chest, eyes shut, one cupped hand nestled in the other, bending to touch his forehead to the bedsheet--willing a return to his center, to calmer thoughts....(It's not major, and I think some of the problem is clarity, what is he really doing here, legs akimbo and cupped hand nestled in another, cupped hand forces the reader to decide what cupped looks like, [sometimes more description is worse than less because you either need to be very precise, which usually takes too many words, or just general enough that I can apply a generic meaning] the remaining problem with the paragraph is when you get to the change of action [bending to touch his forehead to the bed sheet] you went from a list of what he did as he sat there, to doing something else. Suggestion: Incredulous, Harry went back to the bed and sat there, naked--legs akimbo, chin to chest, eyes shut, one hand nestled in the other. He lowered his forehead to the pillow--willing a return to his center, to calmer thoughts. But he failed, unable to reconcile....and so on. I changed bed-sheet to pillow just for word redundancy sake.so strong an improbability? I would think if he's a scientific man, impossibility maybe. When you get to the "unexplainable" part, I'm unclear about what's unexplainable. Was it the first sensation that he can't explain? I think I get confused at "the kind of gut feeling that's unknowable until it happens" that tells me at some point he does know and should be able to explain the sensation when it happens. He may not be able to explain the cause, but the effect should be able to be described.I find it unnecessary to say how long ago twice in such a short time. It feels elementary. I know sometimes redundancy has a purpose, but when this first began seems a waste for that tool.Suggest you just show us the story rather than tell it, starting in Chapter 2. Narration is fine at times, but should be avoided when it's time to show the story. In the first paragraph of Chapter 2, you foreshadow. Again. You've already set up from chapter one that you're about to reveal what happened two weeks ago. And when you start out "showing" us what happened, it stops the show when you foreshadow or give exposition. "Of what he couldn't have known, not then." You can do without that bit and just continue with the showing us.Then this: Harry approached, spiritless, his feet leading him as if they had a mind of their own, his leathery face etched by too many years of brutal sun and sea, his diminishing eyes reaching out to the turquoise-green of the Gulf Stream, which meets the mile of transparent shallows wrapping the island, and farther out still to the deep indigo of the Atlantic. Then a momentary gaze along the winding stretch of shoreline. (There are several things going on in this paragraph. First, your sentence is so long. If words are food for thought, then you've just spoonfed me too much to appreciate. Suggest ending the first sentence after brutal sun and sea then continuing with: His diminishing eyes reached out to the turquoise-green of the Gulf Stream. My next suggestion is to remove words like "which" and "then" These words remind the reader somebody is telling a story rather than us getting sucked in to experiencing it with the character in the moment. If you said: His diminished eyes reached out to the turpuoise-green of the Gulf Stream, and on to the mile of transparent shallows wrapping the island. His tired eyes paused on the farthest, deep indigo of the Atlantic. The same. Nothing's changed. He shifted his gaze to the winding stretch of shoreline. Nothing ever changes. (sorry, I don't know how else to explain what I mean except by showing. The point of the example is to show how one feels like it's happening in the moment, the other one feels summarized. I know there's a time and place for summarization and moment by moment, and I think this showing of that first event surrounding the discovery of his "issue" is that moment by moment time. Not really moment by moment as in action scene, but moment by moment as in, I'm doing this with him, in the moment.)I'm sorry so long winded for such a short piece. The next issue comes at the very next paragraph. You make me feel like I've stepped from your story into a Geography lesson. Must be a great challenge for a man of your past professions to not tell things this way. The problem with it is, it stopped the real life moment happening with him staring out at the oecan. Now you're explaining things to the reader instead of showing me his story. You're in his pov, so color all information through his eyes but in the moment. Something like: Harry dug his toes into the sands of Bimini. Everything beloved about the twin islets, slipped away with her memory. (but you get the idea, any information you feel NEEDS to be conveyed to the reader (and really, do we need to know the exact coordinates of this island? General descriptions is enough to tell us he is indeed on planet Earth, which is all we need to know in this scene, UNLESS, the exact details and history of the island are important to the plot, and if they are, you need to sprinkle it in DURING the scene, not stopping the scene to tell me, but telling me as your character is MOVING, LIVING, DOING. You start the story again at: As always, he wore faded khaki trunks. But it's still in telling voice instead of living voice. You're in 3rd person close? Then everything should be from HIS point of view. Is he talking to me? Or just living? Would he be thinking about what he's wearing? Would he be saying, over a lanky body that scribbled the signature of time? Or would a good writer describing another man say that? Don't let great writing get in the way of letting your character tell his story. Let him speak in the moment. I'm not going to get everything he says, but that lends to the feeling that I'm actually witnessing a true event. There should be holes everywhere for me to want filled. It makes me read to fill them. I'm sure you've heard people don't want to read a story, they want to watch it. Tell me his story by showing me. Don't show me a story with telling.I say, if you remove the story telling fluff and let this character just speak, I'm really liking what promises. It's such a wonderful question he poses about why we keep struggling if dying is so desirable. Instinct. I believe we were designed to live forever and that knowledge is embedded into our psyche. Which I think is why we struggle. The other part is "not knowing" what is really on the other side. When it comes to taking water into your lungs and make that plunge, you can't help but panic and say, "what if I'm wrong about what's on the other side? what's waiting?"though Harry Stripling could well afford it...(felt like you went omniscient on me, a show stopper)Your story is becoming scattered at the "few days earlier" flashback. We were already in a sort of flashback hoping to get to the thing that happened to him. What on earth are you doing with this storyline? I feel like you've stuck me in a senile man's head who can't finish a story without starting another. It's sort of annoying, like you keep promising something and giving me something else. It's making me want to quit at 11%. You obviously have writing talent but I think you need to set these events on a timeline and come up with an end to each scene that establishes the purpose of the one to follow. However, some people like to sort puzzles, it's just, these puzzle pieces feel like they belong to their own puzzles. I'm sure eventually, they'll tie together, but they way you begin one puzzle, makes me excited to finish it. I feel like you're taking me through this cool mall and showing me enough of each store to make me yearn to go inside, only to have you yank me on to another store and do the same thing before yanking me to another store. Maybe the problem is how you lead. It always makes me feel like you're about to tell me something, then you change the subject on me and do the same thing again. But you never really tell me anything. Maybe I just can't appreciate great writing when I see it. That's always a possibility. But I owe it to you to be honest, or else you won't truly know how your story comes across to me.
I actually think this story could be better told in first person. If you did that, you would at least be forced to stay in voice and not float into the omniscient at times. But that doesn't help the scattered story line. I like your dialogue and the inner monologue voice.
Just when I see character develop, you change to another story and time that doesn't clearly link to the previous. It's like I'm getting to know several people but not really. I'm imagining some people may dig this kind of thing, but I'm not one of them. So sorry. I think it could work if you tied the scenes somehow, logically linked them.
Greetings!The first impression that I have of this story is that you have a really interesting perspective and you dive right into it. However, by 5% in, I was left wondering where the plot had gone. You have a lot of great information about the character, but it doesn't feel like the story goes anywhere. Your writing style is interesting, and while I haven't found myself dropping out of the style itself, the interesting presentation of the first scene doesn't carry it through the exposition dump that makes up the second scene. While time-jumping to give exposition sometimes works, I don't feel that it did in this case. I feel that you may have been better off just diving right into the story and continuing it where the first scene left off: You had given me a sufficient hook to keep reading, but I didn't feel that the second scene did the first any justice. When you end the second scene with 'Just a few days earlier', my knee-jerk reaction was 'well what is happening -now-?' -- if these scenes are that important later, perhaps considering writing in a more linear fashion.Chapter 2 definitely got a lot more interesting for me. The dialogue is interesting, and Yu Qi is a very vivid character with a distinctive voice. I was disappointed when the flashback ended, because that section was a beautiful spark of writing that went back to what feels like an information dump.Your concept -- after you get past the initial hurdle, is very interesting. I like how the scenes tie to one another. I think if you rework the introduction a little, you will be able to have a great hook into the various scenes. I really do think you need to present Leona sooner. You talk about her a lot, but it is an empty mention without substance.I ended up stopping reading after Chapter 3 -- while you have an interesting concept here, this was a heavier read for me as I tried to make sense of all of the time-jumps as your character recollects his life. While I'm curious about the initial scene, I haven't been able to pinpoint just how all of these scenes relate to his new-found vitality. I don't know if I missed something in the reading or if you just haven't shown us what is going on yet, but I would either tie in the first scene with the rest of it or save that revelation for later. Right now, I felt as if it needed a little more umph.Overall, I am giving this story 3 stars. It is an interesting concept, but there is no feel for fantasy in it -- yet. You have a spark of it in the beginning scene, but that spark quickly disappeared for a more literary feeling story.
You have a really great voice for this piece. Your voice is solid all throughout, and worked well with the type of story that you are presenting. I got a sense that you are extremely comfortable with your writing style, which let me dig into each of the sections. That said, there were some word choice issues that I think that need resolved. In the opening scene, for example, you mention maleness -- why not masculinity? You start with such a stately voice, then you bombed me with 'maleness'. (I actually dropped out of the reading here and made some interesting noises in the real world.) I would be careful of instances like this -- there weren't many of them, but there were enough that I feel the need to mention it.Overall, I am giving this category 4 stars -- it is definitely the strongest part of this story.
As a character, Harry doesn't so much develop as you just reveal aspects of his life. While he has had some interesting things happen to him, I didn't get a sense of development at all by the end of chapter three. I think this is part in due to how you jump around through his life through various situations. This didn't let me connect with him in the developmental aspect. I think this is due to the fact that I recognize that these all occur in different parts of Harry's life: People change, and their development changes through the various times in their life.Because of this, it wasn't so much a development as showing the facets of an already cut stone. There is no real threat or risk to the character, just the revelation of a jewel that has already been polished and worked.I think this is perhaps the one real issue that I have with this story, and part of the reason that I ended up stopping reading at the end of chapter 3. I know, in the 'current' time, he has had a rejuvenated body. He is a whole new man, although he doesn't know why. There is no risk to the character as we plod through his life prior to this point. There is no real sense of anything but his obsession with the woman he lost -- and even that obsession is shallow as you do not show us a lot of her beyond the circumstances of her death.I think if you manage to tie in a real risk -- a real tension to the character -- as you progress through the stages of his life, you will really be able to make Harry a vivid, wonderful character. But, as you currently present him, he doesn't have room to grow: He is already worn smooth by the waters of time. This is a challenge with an older character, but the layout of the story doesn't help with this aspect.Overall, I am giving this section two stars. While your writing is stellar, Harry doesn't so much develop as he is already presented as a character with a very full and complete life behind him -- with no desire to move forward despite his losses and aged form. I think if you change this and make him have a bit more spark, you can break this boundary and be able to present him as a character able to truly develop.I do believe that this is a very promising piece of writing -- you have an interesting concept. While it doesn't feel like a fantasy, it is pleasant read and I think has a great deal of general potential.
Interesting. I like the path you are taking with this. Of course, you leave us wondering about Charlotte. I thought we were going to find out about her at the beginning of Chapter 3, but the thought didn't continue.
Strong voice. I got a sense of Harry. Who he is and the dilemma he finds himself in. To live or not to live...what will happen? Or, should I say, what has happened?
I feel like you let us get to know Harry a little at a time. Each new chapter tells us a little more, and I like that. I wish we knew a little more about Leona, and of course, about Charlotte and how she comes to play in all this.
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