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Adamar Vegana has been at Red Autumn Military Academy since he was six. At the age of twelve, he has skipped four years and now must train with boys much older than himself. During a standard training exercise he is severely wounded by a dangerous creature and must deal with the idea of mortality.
This was a short story I wrote to explore one of my characters from my novel. It is one of my favorites, but hardly one of my best. I simply wish to share it.
Red Autumn hooked you from the first page and I just had to finish reading.
Adamar was the biggest reason has to me being hooked I felt a strong connection with this character and felt for him during his dialogue with his brother.
The pacing of the story was very spaced out and the fight scene between Adamar and the Dohmei seemed to flow in the most natural way as if it really did happened and it had we on the edge of my seat.
Hi!I usually start off with suggestions as I read and give my overall opinion when I finish.Your opening line > WInter was almost here is reduntant, I'd get rid of it because it makes you repeat yourself. You state in the next chapter that obviously the winter was almost here since it was the end of autumn.5% - It's not necessary to use past perfect all the time. There's a topic on discussion board about it as well where they explain better than I would. ;)But your descriptions here are very vivid. :)8% - ... he could take a beating LIKE the best of them ??34% - ...he used THE momentum to reach up...38% - ... toward the direction he knew he knew help was waiting (you have he knew twice)I have a feeling you missed quite a few commas that would make some of the sentences easier to read. Example.41% _ The physician's voice was soft(,)filled with years of practiced reassurance. (i'm no expert so it's just my opinion)another example.49% The only thing he didn't possess of hers(,) as these people said(,) were her silver... those are just two but you have more.71% - Damitri's speech seems more like peasant's than a nobles, might be because the character is like that but it felt off to me.oh! and typo... "It's the world changing stuff were>we're talking about here!"81% typo- As I a sign > I presume without "I"Other than some editing, you have a great short story here which hints at more.Just confused about time of the setting... at first thought it more historical and then modern.
I don't know if there is enough to comment on the character development.. the little I read was good and had a natural flow to it, very beliveable.
Pacing seemed perfectly fine to me. It flowed smoothly without and halts to the storyline.
Two pages in and I imimediately think Hunger Games, in a good way. I really hope these boys dont have to fight to the death. Your discrption of the dohmei is wonderfully vivid. I would not like to met that thingin a dark ally, or in broad daylight for that matter. The ambulance throws me a bit, I didnt get the feeling there was a 7-11 on the corner. If the woman was the one who had done most of the healing, why did Dren receive all the credit? I know from the authors note this is a short story, I'm wondering if this is the whole thing. There seems to be a lot of background for a short, and I think that is a disadvantage. There is a lot to explain in a small amount of time and I feel like some of the information is missing, but this could be because some of the story is not posted on BookCountry? At 83% "As I a sign of your achievment" do you mean 'as a sign of your achievment?'
This is a very brave kid, but I guess thats what he is trained to be. I was surprised when he said 'I can't even go hunting like you or father'. When he was fighting for his life with the dohmei, he certainly didnt have a problem killing it, and we dont feel his remorse until nearly the end. I'm a little unconvinced. Damitri 'the world and everyone in it be damned' charater is a good contrast to caring Adamar and I enjoyed their exhange in the hospital.
I think the pacing was good for the first half, but it felt rushed in the second, mainly because of what I mentined with all of the background.
I'm a little conflicted on this review. On one hand I did enjoy the intro. I thought there were parts that the language was a bit flowery, and a good edit will clear that up, but overall I thought the journey and the adventure was fun. On the other hand, I got lost in the second half. The characters didn't flow smoothly, and I had to reread to figure out who was who. The second part was also much too political. Maybe with more backstory it would have worked, but knowing almost nothing of that world, it felt too much like a commentary of ours. I also couldn't quite believe the boy's reaction. It felt too mature and too sudden. Maybe if on his initial journey it was more developed about how much it pained in to fight it would work, but as is it felt out of place. One final note--the profanity didn't fit at all. If this is a different world, why would they have the same vulgar signs and languages. For me that pulls me out of the fantasy world, but that could just be me.
The main character in the second part felt like a different person than in the first. He's supposed to be a prodigal warrior, but I'm not sure why his language and thoughts are so much more mature than any 12 year old I have ever met.
Same as the first item: the first half felt good and structured, but the second half was a little difficult to follow. Maybe a little less description of everyone in the room right at the start would help.
Absolutely amazing. I have never read literature in this way before, with so much detail and information in such a short amount of text.
Each character has their own personality distinctive to their own person, creating a diverse community with many views and conflicting views. Superb
The movement of each page was a wonderful stream of chronological information, leaving nothing out. Without rushing or drawing it out.
I like this story, and your writing has a lot of potential. I think it would really shine after a line edit. there are several awkward phrasings and grammatical inconsistencies that can slow down the reader.here are a few moments that I thought were awkward:-a yowl ethereal and keening- it's too much. i mean, I know what you're going for, but for me, it seems forced.-his eyes rolled around dazed- it sounds like his eyes have fallen out of his socketsAmbulance? From everything else you had written I was getting the impression that this is more of a medieval setting. why an ambulance?-he studied her noble, stately face that sate above attire of all white - I find it hard to imagine a face that sits anywhere... Also, there seems to me too much historical mixing. The ambulance thing, then the sudden introduction of steam engines and guns, and at the same time they're still apparently using only knives and swords. This could work if it's better explained. But for now it seems anachronistic.
To be honest, I wasn't convinced by Adamar's reaction to killing the dohmei. I mean, the thing almost killed him. I don't see why he feels bad for killing it. I don't think it's immediately self-evident that a prince like Adamar would feel bad about killing a dohmei. I think this could be more convincingly explained, but that just my personal opinion :) Feel free to disregard :)
the moment where he first encounters the beast misses the mark a little, I think, when it comes to pacing. The sentence "there was the shifting of the leaves" only confused me with its awkwardness. It didn't heighten the tension for me. I think in general any sentence that starts with -there was- won't have the same tension or immediacy as -a creature stalked- or -the leaves quivered- or something like that, with more action.
You have large themes nestled in this tale—or chapters for a longer tale—technology making war impersonal, a young warrior realizing that he hates war. Hardly mentioned is an idea that strike me as original and ripe with possibilities—that magic is being displaced by technology, a way of saying that technology is magic. The trial scene, Adamar alone in the forest, his fight with the dohmei, a good set up. What happens after that is an interplay between separate themes, a healer, his mother and/or step/mother, his half/brother and heir to the throne, bad blood between them and between the King and his heir. Perhaps each of these could be developed a bit more before another is added to the mix. And the bad blood between the brothers could be expressed more in keeping with the mood of the chivalric warrior culture which you've established well. For instance, maybe think up or adapt a word to mean what "warmonger" means but puts it in an original way.
Adamar, a sensitive poet/philosopher, and Dimitri, your basic thug, are well-developed. Between them the outline of a true saga is sensed. Other characters are peripheral, but can eventually fall into the camp of one or the other—ready to fight the battle of love against hate, good against eavil
Things move right along. I even think you have time to play with the "music" of your language without sacrificing pacing,..
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