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Thirteen years ago, Melodina Moonari was the only survivor when her village was destroyed by monsters made of ash. Adopted by a childless king for her heritage, she is to wed by her eighteenth birthday. The deadline is up and she has one suitor left, a young hero prince. When the capital of his land is destroyed by the same monsters who killed her mother, Melodina sets out on a quest to find the ones responsible for the massacres and to uncover the truth of her identity.
Brand new chapter three is up. I have removed the later chapters while I work on them. Sorry if you were reading them.
I have to admit, this read was over several days (time restraints) so I apologize if it wasn't as in depth as some of my others.3% - 4% Here you tell me there are elves, humans, and a squat dwarf playing with Melodina, then right after say the ork has to be guard? Accident, or was that how you wanted it?9% First para...use of blade twice in sentence after sentence. Maybe a substitute, like sword or ???? Last para...same thing with mother "As her mother ran, she peeked over her mother's shoulder." Could just be shoulder without sounding repaticious.17% "...barely a decade younger than him..." That just doesn't make sense to me. A decade is a long time. Perhaps another way to say it?21% "Luke felt as if his heart was ripped out of his chest." So this goes to past tense, but I felt like we were moving along in "present" tense. Maybe ripping instead?Okay, so chapter 1 was a bit rushed to me. I cannot pinpoint how, but it seemed to fly by. I found myself wondering about the city, or about the devistation. I don't know, I am very descriptive, sometimes overly so, it is just my opinion. On a positive note, I did like the story you were telling and it ended at a point that makes me want to go on, not just because of the review, but because I am genuinely interested. Sorry, noticed some of my comments should be down at pacing. Overall, it wasn't bad. I think that having more chapters would aleviate some of the questions I have, so I will leave them. I like the story of the orphan, turned princess, turned vigilante. Not a bad twist.I think some editing is required, as well as the comments below, but not a bad story.Thank you for taking the time to share.
So you slowly hand out the tidbits of the characters, which clashes with the fast pace you set on everything else. I do not have any complaints with them, (obviously having more chapters will help) But like the whole adoption and what happened to her during those 13 years that helped her become the vigilante? Or what happened to the menace that made her an orphan in the first place.
I won't hound this to death, but I want to say, me (as the reader) rely on you (the storyteller) to fill me in. What color are the walls, is there blood everywhere, are the trees bending in the breeze. As I have been told, there is over doing, and under doing....I tend to over do. I think you have under done the description and the story might be helped if you slowed down in some spots to describe things. Maybe 80% at the pace you set, broken by 20% of better description would be okay? Just my opinion.
Hi LeeAnnaI had a peek at this some time ago but didn't get far enough in to make any useful comment.One thing I have noticed is the writing/grammar/spelling have all been tightened up greatly. I know that seems a little thing, but it was a little distracting before whereas now it allows me to enjoy the story... which is good BTW.I like the concept and overall backdrop
Character-wise, I think most work well. I think Melody is meant to be a little spoilt, which comes across... just watch out for consistency with her. Sometimes I think she is worldly and made of tough stuff, sometimes far more naïve and vulnerable, sometimes a little pompous as if playing a game of one up all the time......... I know, people are, but this comes across quite strongly.
Early days, but I see no probs with pacing at all. Haven't much to add here... nice tempo, nice flow.
I'll be using the official Book Country star ratings here:1 star — piece needs significant redrafting as well as reconceptualization2 stars — piece needs several more drafts and maybe some reconceptualization3 stars — piece needs significant revision, perhaps another draft4 stars — piece needs some editing and minor revisions5 stars — piece is publication-ready: you’re a star!I hope this doesn't result in ratings so low they discourage you, since I see you've already got a very large number of drafts listed. There's a lot of promising stuff going on here, but I do feel like it still has a ways to go.I'm going to start by saying that there's nothing I dislike more as a reader than being misled. I will even take being bored (at least briefly) over having an author deliberately deceive me. So for my money, you simply cannot use a male pronoun for a female character when you're in that character's point of view. Not unless you have some kind of split-personality or transgender thing going on, and neither of those seems to be the case here. If you're in someone else's point of view, you can have the POV character make a false assumption and therefore present the vigilante's gender as male, but when you're showing us her perspective, and she knows she's female, you have to use the right pronouns ... OR no pronouns at all: The Red Serpent sat on the shadowed corner of a building, overlooking the activity, or in truth, overlooking the inactivity, as tonight the Third Circle Market District lay dull and empty. The Serpent sighed, head in hand, and let out a yawn. Sleep – the vigilante's too-coy acquaintance – had been growing ever more fickle of late. With all the recent day-time developments, it would probably be wiser to abandon these nightly activities altogether. What would happen if someone should discover this shrouded, masked figure napping exhausted in their rooftop garden? One hand reached up to scratch beneath the wooden mask – when suddenly, its angled eye-slits revealed a girl, stepping out the back door of a tavern, her shawl pulled around her shoulders.By giving the vigilante a two-word name, you allow yourself three ways to refer to her: full pseudonym, half pseudonym, and "the vigilante." Plus you can throw in an occasional "masked figure" and maybe a couple of other means of reference if you're creative. Work it right, and you never have to use that pronoun at all, sparing yourself the reader's wrath when you get to the reveal. I have more thoughts on the vigilante below, though, especially under pacing.Because of some of our prior discussions, I was aware that this setting wasn't strictly medieval. But it wasn't until chapter two and the alarm clock that I actually saw any sign of that. And other than the alarm clock, the only references to post-medieval technology come in dialogue. By chapter three of a novel, I really feel like I should have seen more of the setting's distinctive characteristics than that. I'm intrigued by the technology bans and the politics around them, but those references only make me curious about the world -- they don't put me in it.
So far, you've got three likable and intriguing POV characters in the story, and several sketched out supporting characters whose motives are less clear but also intriguing. I want to know why the King needed so desperately to adopt an heir, and why the lockets made a difference to him. I'm curious about Adamar's father and brother as well.I think, though, that the character development is a little hampered by the way you've chosen to present the vigilante. In order to give us the big reveal of Melody's dual identity, you box yourself into obscuring her motives prior to the reveal. This distances us from her, although it does also create a sense of mystery. Our view of her father is potentially very strongly colored by the implication that he (or someone else) is beating her for her refusal to find a spouse. Such violence seems highly contrary to the personality he displays in the scenes where he's present, which is confusing and made me doubt the consistency of the characterization. If you really want to maintain the current approach of keeping the vigilante's identity secret from the reader, you need to give us better suspects. We need one or more characters besides the king who might be physically violent with Melody, and one or more characters besides Adamar who might be the vigilante. During the vigilante's first scene, I was sure Adamar was behind the mask. But as soon as we learned that the vigilante was active before Adamar's arrival, I knew it was Melody instead. If we had a scene in chapter two from Luke's perspective, we might figure him as a possible candidate for the masked man. At the very least, his assumption that the vigilante is male would put that germ in the reader's head, allowing you to pull off the no-pronouns approach more certainly. And if you were to name Melody's chaperone and present her as a domineering and somewhat sinister figure, we might think that she was behind the bruises. Having Luke in chapter two might also allow you to dispense some information about Melody's development over the past 13 years through someone's viewpoint other than her own.
The pace is my biggest problem with the story at the moment. For starters, if you're going to open your story with a game of hide-and-seek, it had better be the most kick-ass game of hide-and-seek ever. I do not want to read about some cute five-year-old elf girl playing childish games. But if make me think, "Holy crap, this girl is AMAZING at hide-and-seek," then I'm going to think you're an amazing writer, and I'm going to be really eager to see where the girl will go from here. Find a way to show us Melody's creativity and natural athleticism, and suddenly I'll be a lot more tolerant of the child's play.In its present form, though, the hide-and-seek scene really feels like filler. I had no idea why it was supposed to be interesting. In retrospect, I can see that her early love of adventure and her knack for sneaking and hiding contribute to her role as the vigilante. But you can't start off with a fundamentally un-captivating scene just because it's informative backstory for something two chapters down the road.I felt much the same way during the second chapter. I was being told that finding a spouse was important to Melody, but I didn't know why it was important to her, and I certainly didn't know why it should be important to me. Sympathy at the notion that she was being abused because of her free spirit helped keep me reading, but it wasn't enough in and of itself to lock me into the story.In fact, even by the end of chapter three, I really didn't have any idea where the story might be going. I felt more like I had been rushed through fragments of two or three stories instead of having a single plot built up.Based on the synopsis, I think it's possible that you don't actually have a single story here. Melody's life as a princess, her struggles with her memories of the destruction of her town, and the circumstances that shape her into a bloody vigilante just don't strike me as a mere three chapters' worth of material. I think it's a whole story of its own, especially if she's telling the truth about ceasing her vigilante ways now that Adamar has discovered her secret. From orphan to princess to vigilante to ex-vigilante -- that's an entire plot in itself, and unless you're planning on filling it in with a boatload of flashbacks, I'm hard pressed to see how it fits into a novel where Melody and Adamar are chasing after whatever evil ends up attacking his city. And if you ARE planning a bunch of flashbacks, you need to establish them as a narrative device way before the end of chapter three.Maybe I'll feel differently as you get more chapters up and I see how your structure is working. But at the moment, I think you've got a whole book's worth of material within these three chapters, and because you're trying to get through it so quickly, none of it has the full impact that it might, if given room to breathe.I hope the one star here isn't too much of a slap. It's not a single star because I hate what I've read so far -- rather, it's a single star because I want a whole lot more of what I see lurking behind what I've read so far.
The difference between this and the previous version is immediately noticeable. This is so much better! Now, I'm being very picky here, but the first sentence sounded a little awkward to me. I couldn't put my finger on it at first, but I think the fact that you use an nonspecific "worn shoes" instead of "her worn shoes" made me at first wonder if the little girl is wearing the shoes, or are the pair of traders? Otherwise the first paragraph is great.This may be a silly comment, but when the "adult face, wrinkled around the mouth from years of scowling" starts talking, I immediately assumed it was a woman, probably because you used the word "green skirt" in the previous paragraph. I was momentarily confused.- "guard and fugitive" - I like that!Sorry, annoying grammar comment alert - "they were all a year or two older than her" - actually, grammatically speaking it's more correct to say "than she". It's rarely done these days, though. at 1% - "or whoever takes care you" - should it be "of you"?I don't know about you, but the word "pungent" has pleasant associations - like musk or cinnamon. Not like rotting bodies."Snuck" is not the past of sneak, "sneaked" is."cover up" to me sounds anachronistic and modern. Is there a better way of describing it for the fantasy setting?Overall, much better! Now as far as my personal preference goes, and this is not a reflection of your writing, I found the different settings of "medieval market" and "carriages and clocks" very jarring. In my mind, they don't exist in the same universe. I'm also rather sick of the somewhat overused "elves/dwarves/orcs" style of fantasy. But that's just my preference, so feel free to ignore it :)
Melodina and Luke are now both realistic, not cardboard cutouts like they were in the previous version. The prince, however (and I didn't get very far, keep that in mind), seems a bit wimpy to me. Maybe I'm not reading enough yet.
So much better in this version! The beginning is nice and leisurely, just as it should be. When the evil comes, the pace quickens well, and I never felt like what you were describing was "blurry". But it was tense and exciting. I even kept reading after the end of chapter one, which I hadn't planned on doing. But chapter two wore out its welcome a little. I got to the beginning of 3%, and didn't really feel like I needed to go on. At this point, the respective motivations of both Melodina and the prince seem a little juvenile to me. I mean, we've just witnessed a terrible evil come like a storm, and now we're in the world of frills and frippery. It's a little disappointing. But perhaps that will change when I've read a little more.
There are some minor grammar issues and stylistic things that distracted me a little. Hope you don't mind if I mention them. Just so you know I used to teach English for a while and I do some freelance editing work for a small publishing house, so take that as you like :) the girl turning her eye "on" the sky sounds odd to me. "turning to" I think would sound a little cleaner. The word phenomena seems anachronistic to me - it sounds scientific and a little modern, not exactly appropriate for the High Fantasy setting. the playmates "had ran off" - it should be "had run off". "The scents of smoke and rot" - the word scent is my mind associates immediately with such things as perfume - it's a word with pleasant connotations often. Kind of distracted me and broke the flow of the scene."despite that the sounds and scents" - it's not strictly speaking a proper use of the word despite. "in spite of the sounds and scents" is better. "Melodina allowed her eyes to take in the narrow ally" - ally should be "alley" - ally is a fellow combatant or a friend.Melodina could still see between the scattered slats - maybe slits?make shift - should be one word - makeshift."Both had rotten about her (should be a comma here), becoming fragile."The sun crested the top of a building to glint off of her tears" - it's pretty, but I don't really know what this sentence means.There are more as I read, but for now I'm going to try to read without paying too much more attention to the small stuff. Ok, I read chapter one. If you like what I had to say so far, I'll keep going. But to be honest I'm not yet completely invested in this story yet. Maybe I need to give it a chapter or two more. Thanks for your work!
To be honest, in the first chapter, Luke seems little more than a type to me. There's not much that immediately recommends him to me as an interesting character that I would like to get to know better. It's difficult to do that in the first chapter, don't I know it. Melodina is better.
I was thrown off by the fact that we only find out page 3 or so that Melodina is an elf. This is a key moment in the pacing, where you're supposed to be completely in the action, and I found myself distracted by the fact that the picture I had made of her in my mind had to change at the worst possible moment. I'm not sure why I thought she was a human girl, but I did at first. Maybe a little clarification at the very beginning? The section with Luke finding the girl drags out a bit for me.
Okay, I'm trying to pick up where I left off. T 31%, do less telling us that Mel likes the water - show. And it's nonetheless (one word). Maybe I forgot, but what are nevs? Okay, at 31% when we meet Cyn, I'm confused. It's like I've stumbled into the story already having been told. Who's the woman? I feel like I should know this. Who's Arvix? Are they communicating telepathically? Is that why the dialog is in italics? (I apologize if I somehow missed the intro of these two, but if not, you need to back up a bit and provide some sort of better introduction.) Wonder what Arvix and Shela are... Silken sound... can you explain that a bit more?Often, I encounter comments from the narrative that seem like I've missed insider information. Maybe things you know well, but haven't told your readers yet? For example: The first time he saw the surface world, he gasped in awe of the towering behemoths that filled the forests of the elves. To my knowledge, you have never written from Cyn's POV, so how do we know this about him yet?Also, "wizened plants" seems odd. Also, this sentence is awkward and doesn't lend anything to the story: The only signs that he saw were her own.The whole paragraph below that, starting with, "The outlaw looked back up to..." you can easily cut and simplify to something like: "Cyn cursed and grasped at the air as the branch snapped, sending him tumbling into the water. He heard a scream seconds before the sound was muffled by the water.""At that moment Cyn Fang knew he had stretched his luck" - ya think? (don't need the explanation after that)Again, sorry, but having fallen into the water while trying to spy on someone, the first thing he'd likely do is open his eyes. Why wait if poised for attack?? And why are they fiery? Also, it's not clear how he knows her from the village - how could he? Just a nitpicky thing, but if his hood is wet, the material has no structure, so in pushing it back he WOULD reveal his face. If it were dry it would stand up on its own, but not wet. Next page - he had made himself immune to beautiful nude women... really?! How? Constant exposure to them to build up an immunity? Sorry, but that made me chuckle. I think getting rid of that statement would be good. It's obvious these two know each other, but there is no interaction between them earlier in the story. Just telling us now that they knew each other from back THEN really doesn't flow well. Are Shela and Arvix such feared creatures that an armed woman like Mel would surrender so easily? Why are Cyn and Mel enemies?At 32%, this would sound better: "I don't allow woman aboard my ship." Do these characters have first and last names? It seems odd to introduce someone only by one or the other, i.e. - Donahue. AT the dock, not IN the dock. And in this case, it would be slip or berth. The altercation with the ass-grabbing sailor seems a bit contrived. I know it serves to change the captain's mind, but it just doesn't seem to flow. I also find it strange that this captain would take all these "shady" characters aboard and then blab about them. And I also don't believe that it JUST SO HAPPENS that Cyn is also aboard. And is Cyn Fang a common name? If not, why would Mel ask? Seems silly. You spelled Donahue and then Donohue. Here again is a passage where it seems you've skipped over a scene in order to keep things moving, but in so doing, it seems out of joint. This: She had sent him on the ship with the excuse that she was going to negotiate for their horses... If it's that important, include the scene in the PRESENT. If not, get rid of it. Seems like a plot afterthought this way. You have two instances of its when it should be it's: "Do you think its the Ashbreed?" and "Well then, let us hope that its pirates instead..."At the start of Ch 13, this is kinda stating the obvious: He couldn't trust him. Cyn is an outlaw, a killer and he stole Mel's daggers. Who WOULD trust him? At 33%, how does a smile stare back? And why do we care about this cannon talk? My suggestion: do some cutting. You might lose some folks' interest. A bit further down, we have Cyn standing on the other side of the ship as the wind ripples his hood and cloak. But just a little bit... Take that out. It lessens the impact. Wait, I thought Cyn stole the daggers from her? Here Mel is showing one of them to Adamar. ?? (thought Luke gave her two) The ghost ship makes me think of Pirates of the Caribbean. JS. Instead of telling us the ship gained on them like it was supernatural, you've already shown us. First it's a speck on the horizon and then Mel could see things moving on deck. Give us a sense of short time passing, and you're good to go. Why would it be impossible to cut off those things' heads on a ship? How's that different from land? Just board them and battle! This sentence - Melody began to feel in the pit of her stomach a feeling of foreboding - is a little messy. Okay, a lot. You have filter words, repeated words and it's redundant. Mel already has the feeling (you mentioned the dread in the stomach earlier). Don't need to remind us. The next sentence - huh? Before the day was through, one of them was going to need help? You mean DEAD? And when you're about to be boarded and maybe killed by demons on a demon ship, do you care how loud the cannons might be?! Your next sequence brings up an issue - you're right. What's more holes in a holey ghost ship? Would they really waste the rounds? Okay, so now we know it's the Ashbreed. When you first mentioned them in your story, they made me think of the Dementors from the HP series (please excuse my comparisons). Frightening. But now, aboard the ship, you describe them and I picture them as little skeletons scurrying around. More a la (PoftheC) like I said before. Funny, not scary. Maybe you need to show us more of them, and less of the ship? The ship seems like the beast here, not them. Oh, sure, NOW Mel is scared. Stupid girl. And... then she suddenly gets over it? Hmm...Is the fire coming out of Cyn or his blades? Not clear. At 34%, whose outstretched arms are waiting for Cyn? Seems weird. The debris from the ship wouldn't pull her under unless somehow she got trapped under a large piece, and she's tied to the rope anyways. In this world, they know CPR?? It's all right, not alright. I think you need a transition between Mel's and Cyn's POV here. At 35%, humans plural, not human's possessive. You have a lot of becoming annoying, was finding this girl to be annoying, beginning to feel irritated. He's annoyed by her. We get it. Make it active and just tell us once. Wait, now she's flirting? Telling him he's handsome?! Oh boy. As an aside - so the Ashbreed all died? I know the ship sank, but there's no mention of all of them. And it sounds to me like many died (on both sides) in this battle of yours. So Mel simply wants to pretend like nothing happened? Come look at the stars? For someone who was scared before, she seems awful... okay with it all. Maybe Cyn's beauty has distracted her, though. I'm with Cyn - throw her over. ;) Her eyes were full of terror, you say. I didn't get that from her dialog. *shrugs* This is a run-on: "I talked to your friend last night, the elf girl, Melody, she said that you could tell me more..." How about: "I talked to your friend last night - the elf girl, Melody. She said that you could tell me more..."I know it's not improper, but the use of burnt irks me a bit. Just sticks out, I think. But that's such a little thing. :) And after the long bit of dialog from Cyn, doesn't seem like he's at a loss for words at all. AND I think he pretty much described it. :)Wait, didn't they just fight the Ashbreed aboard the ghost ship? If not, I'd go back and make that clear. Man, things just continue to get more complicated. Now, there are TWO different kinds of Ashbreed! Cyn is annoyed and irritated a lot. Use another term to show his feelings... or just SHOW them. I'm still wondering who/what the nevs are! At 36%, Cyn sure is polite for an outlaw! - "Well, then, good day to you." When the three get off the ship, there's a whole paragraph of filler. You don't have to count the minutes. Just tell us that Mel and Tao waited a short while and then were relieved to see a blond head above the others - Adamar. Followed by one Cyn Fang. And "big ass wolves" doesn't seem to fit with "Well, then, good day to you." Your mixture of old and new language is a bit confusing. I can't get a sense of time and place with it. Show vs. Tell - it continues to be an issue. I don't want to waste time pointing all of the instances out, but for example - It was sudden and caught them off guard. SHOW."I thought you were going north with us?" Melody said. If she said it, it's not a question. Watch your punctuation in those cases. Also, it's wherever, not where ever. Wandered, not wondered. Next paragraph can be cut WAY down. This is another instance of a missing comma (there are lots but I didn't want to list them all): He looked back at her puzzled. ??This sentence is awkward: With Cyn Fang coming along, there was a higher chance of drawing attention to their little group, and she didn't want Adamar getting it into his head that she was more important than him just in case something happened. Huh? Also, the next two sentences are redundant to the one I listed. Asshole seems like too modern a word. At the re-intro of Vaughn mixing it up with some shadow demon lady, again you have wonder where it should be wander. And when did Vaughn get imprisoned? Was it after Mel left? If so, you need to clue us in when that happens - not as an aside AFTER the fact. Led not lead. So Sacrifice is the demon lady? Okay, at 37%, demon lady says sorry you got a stupid one, but then she says they're all stupid. So the first comment doesn't make sense. Outside is one word.The palace - whose palace? Demon lady's? Mel's? Pleasant imprisonment? I'm not sure about this. The sentence about the black dragon has a misplaced modifier at the end. The way you have it, the dragon's headdress was curled up on the beach. Wait, what? It's a fake-Vaughn?! Okay, I give up on trying to follow you. Ch 14 - Adamar doesn't strike me as the kind to have drinking buddies; not to mention too many drunken nights. Instead of telling us about Adamar's memory of his uncle, why not use a flashback and write it so it's in the present? Less telling, you know? I'd thought it was a cloak, also. Not a coat. Maybe I missed that. A letter looked up at him? Please find another way to say that - all I can see in my mind is a letter with eyes. During this sequence, you don't have to tell us every step. Just say he opened the pouch! Again at 38%, a good chance for a flashback. Do you not like them? Below his finger tips...sounds awkward. Same thing with the tears that pressed against his eyes. Maybe threatened to spill? This is awkward: Adamar held his eyes pinched closed... When talking about burning the prisoners alive to ash, the ash part isn't necessary. I find it odd that given the situation and with four strange guys walking toward them, Mel would be stifling a laugh. Also, instead of the narrator guessing as to the guard's thoughts, why don't you have him do something that suggests his thoughts? Also, why would a silent ride be awkward? Was Mel expecting conversation? You know, since she's not new at this being treated like a criminal thing. The whole bit about the neighborhood I would cut. I'm not sure if there was a reason you tell us that. This is such a pet peeve of mine, and sorry, you will get to hear about it. "...without any indication of where they were at." AT is not needed (as the word WHERE means at what location). As a royal herself, how could some other king (not including her adoptive father King Marion) try to betroth one who's not his to his own son? That doesn't make sense. Whose face at 39%? Desperately need a comma after mattered: The people were the ones that really mattered, he had always told her. Her thought about Vaughn seems completely out of the blue. And then how quickly she's relieved just by continuing to look around her? Every sight around her, not about. Get rid of "before him" in this sentence: ...in a copious mound of fat over his belt and spilled onto his legs. Where else would they be but attached to him? Please stop using the words about and before. Just use around and in front of. It sounds like you're trying too hard. This is incorrect: ..."one has to recognize their own faults." It should be his, referring to your subject of one. For someone who doesn't think his father and uncle were good men, Adamar DOES sure go on and on... It's YOUR headstrong mother, not you're. And it's en masse, if you're going to use it that way.I had to stop reading and commenting at 40%. I feel like if I keep going, you'll just end up with more of the same stuff as this, and who wants that, especially if these are the things you're working to change? I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt on that one, and come back to pick up here once you've added revised chapters. I want to like this vast and detailed epic fantasy of yours; I really do. But right now I think all of the technical problems are distracting me from the real content of your story. And I don't want to keep reviewing if that's the case. I hope you understand why. :)
After reading more of your story, I honestly can't say that I've learned any more about your main group of characters that makes me care one way or another for them. And the one I really DID like hasn't been heard of since the beginning chapters. I hope you bring Luke back soon. Anyways, I think I'm getting bogged down in all of the seemingly mundane details - names of people, places and background events - that I cannot connect with this group. I want to like Tao, but lately it seems all she does is smoke and spout snark. Which is fine, if it lends to the betterment of the lot, but it doesn't seem to. Cyn might become interesting, but at 40%, I still don't know much about him. Melody and Adamar still seem like shells. Contradictory much of the time, compelling so little of the time. I'm nearly halfway through your epic, and so far I still don't really understand their motivations. I do know that you might be saving a lot of this for later in the book, but you've got to give your reader something to go on, even if it's a morsel. I'm guessing Melody wants revenge for her mother's death, but in all due respect, come out and tell us. She seems so blase about so much in her life. As for Adamar, I'm still waiting for him to grow up. I just keep thinking that he's made of better stuff. But maybe I've pegged him wrong.
For me, this stops and starts and then flies by me at warp 10. It leaves me wishing I could edit my way through the slow parts (I made note of a few), have you explain some major ideas that you glaze over (I think I mentioned a few in this or my previous review), and slow down or pare down on all of the names, places, backstory, details, observations... So now that I've gone all over the place, there you go! :)
Hello LeeAnna, I’ve read the first three chapters and have a number of thoughts to pass along. Just remember these are my opinions and I have not read the entire novel, nor have I read any of the reviews (I don’t like to be biased by them). First, don’t assume things – tell (or show) the reader. Your world is inhabited by people, elves, dwarves, orks, etc., but you never let us know what the difference is. Are we to assume standard issue Tolkien? Melodina is an elf, Adamar is half elf. So? Are these really different species or just ethnic groups? At this point I really don’t see any difference – they could just as well be just humans – and that hampers the story. It can suggest to the reader that this is just another Tolkien-worship photocopy world. So don’t rely on instant recognition – create your world. Tell the reader about it.Later on you mention Technology bans. This sounds interesting. Maybe you could incorporate this earlier? What if Luke, while surveying the destruction in the town wonders if technology could have helped prevent this? Just a thought.0% her father’s been gone for 10 rising and settings of the moon? That’s 10 months, and seems like a very long time for a quick mission to help a colony. A few weeks maybe, but after 10 months I think all hope would long ago have been lost.Same page: drop “the attention.” “The people in the marketplace turned…” is sufficient.Next page: “…beat at her ribcage.” That’s awkward. Why not just “her heart raced?”Same page: separate the description of riders from the effects of the fog. Make it more terrifying. Also, her mother’s eyes are “deep aquamarine”, not the color of deep aquamarine (aquamarine is a color).It just struck me that you might already have had this pointed out to you since there are so many reviews. To avoid redundancy I’ll just point out major things. Just note that it does need some good proof reading as you start another draft.Hmmm. Why does the fog age wood, etc. but seemingly have no affect on Melodina?1% “…corpse lined streets became more pungent.” Use a stronger term like stench. This is a massacre, not some spoiled fruit in a bowl.Next page: don’t use “paw.” I understand the need to avoid repetitive word use, but what you want here is emotion. Try something like: Luke reached forward, gently wrapping his hand around the tiny fingers clutching the makeshift weapon, his touch almost a caress, an offer of care, of comfort. I know that’s awful, but you get the idea. Luke is a great character and this is a great scene. You can tell us so much about him, show us his thoughts.Very good ending to the scene. Start showing us more of Luke’s thoughts earlier.Same page: don’t use “extra,” use “other survivors.” What’s an extra survivor?End of chapter: After such a traumatic experience, Melodina starts speaking rather quickly. Might be better if she stays silent, just nods and points at water, etc. This would really emphasize what she’s been through and its affect on her. Also allow us to see more of Luke’s sensitivity and kindness. 2% “botch”? Bad word choice. Try ruin or disturb, or some such.Next page: “…father had been….” Is he now dead? Otherwise use “father was.”Still at 2% You use the term “a couple” too often. Use “a pair of doormen,” or a group of soldiers.3% “stupid smile”. Try something else, like inane. Stupid is too modern a word to use here.Next page: this is a mis-modification. The king’s leaning on a cane, the way you’ve written it, it’s the evening meal that’s leaning on the cane.4% “wound tighter than a spool of wool.” The phrase “wound tighter…” usually refers to someone so up tight they might snap. You’d be better off using tighter than a drumhead, or a violin string, or somesuch. If you wanted to imply tight financially, then spool of wool might work.End of page: avoid idiomatic phrases – “like she had two heads.” You might use “like a common farm girl.” Or something similar. Also don’t keep using “figured” try “Melody guessed” or “thought.”4% You keep referring to the vigilante as him. This is unfairly deceptive since it’s the narrator speaking (you). Play with this.“…he took a plate off the tray with a fork.” Again, a mis-modification. He took a plate and fork off the tray.Same with the sentence “The man did not respond,….” Who passed courtiers, the man or the prince?5% Can’t be sure, but “…a plain up do.” sounds anachronistic – too modern. A bit further on, as Melody looks at the locket, shouldn’t it be “…colors glowing inside it.” not “slowing?”Discussion of vigilante’s pattern – “hero complex” way to modern. Sense of heroism, or some such might work better. Same problem at 6% with term “serial killer,” use cold-blooded.Okay, main problems - needs another draft to clean up and tighten writing; and you need to take command of setting up YOUR world.
As stated, I like Luke, although I find his attitude towards the vigilante odd, and again maybe too modern. All things considered I'd imagine he might be happy for the help.Melody I find a bit confusing. She is a vigilante, and her family was killed by unknown powers, but she has no interest in the rest of the world? Also, as stated above, how does her being an elf make her different (other than the standard pointy ears)? I get the teenaged angst when it comes to Adamar, although that becomes a bit harder to believe when you find out she is the vigilnte (So it's up to you to make us believe it).Adamar okay so far, but nothing really a big + or - about him. So far standard "prince."
Pacing is good, easy to read and generally carries one along.
Not a problem.
Just remember, you can sprinkle info. “The tall, slim, elf, jumped to the next roof, exhibiting the innate athleticism of her species.” Or stuff like that. I’ll look forward to the revisions.
I've read through chapter six. I'll comment, and get back to you on the remainder.You need much more description and much more characterization, but your big trip-up is logic. Nothing works here, not for me.I've read through your reviews. Everyone mentions awkward phrasing, grammatical/ spelling errors, unsettling modern usage, too much passive storytelling. Despite revisions, these issues persist.I'm on board with all that. Here's what I don't get: nearly everyone admires the story. I'm discomforted by a fundamental lack of believability. I'm not talking elves and killing fogs, I'm talking emotions and structure of society. Neither the circumstances nor the motivations have a connection to any reality, even a fantastic one, that I can accept. You ignore the why of nearly everything.Let me run through the story, discussing the moments that stop me in my tracks. This stuff doesn't seem to bug anyone but me, so I may be an idiot, missing the essential wonderfulness of a magical mystery tour. But in case I've got a useable idea or two, I'll throw my reactions out for your consideration. __________________________________A minor thing: The scents of wares (wouldn't everything have been hand made?) and spices mingled with that of water. 1. Does water have a scent? The sea does, of course, but this water is out of a town fountain. 2. The smells would continue whether she bounced along or not. Delete 'as she bounced along'. A dwarf and an ork haggled over an earthenware pot. The smell of fresh-baked bread made her long for a fat slice with jam on it. The cheerful hubbub of market-day was a delight, especially for a child allowed to run wild while her mother made her purchases.Such carefree days of thrilling sights and smells were a weekly ritual, which she had known for as long as she could remember. She'd been born in Principia, the settlement town established twenty years earlier, a military installation intended to protect and encourage trade across No Man's Land, to unite belligerent kingdoms through mutually beneficial enterprise. Her father, a Major in the _______ Guard, had volunteered to command the post, and her mother had accompanied him willingly, glad for an adventure.(Simplicity? I don't think you find simplicity in a military garrison, a dangerous outpost.) ____________________________________Something wasn't right. Dark clouds, the shade of a deep bruise, had hugged the horizon all morning. The odd formation slowly but steadily advanced toward the town, revealing itself to be not a commonplace weather event, but an ominous fog. The unusual occurrence was watched, first with curiosity, then with anxiety, finally with panic. Figures were seen to emerge from the fog, riders on horseback. Principia was under attack.Screams filled the air. Melodina jumped down from the rim of the fountain and looked around. Her playmates had fled. Her mother was nowhere in sight. The formerly festive crowd ran in all directions.Melodina wanted to run, but she was small. She would have been trampled in the every-man-for-himself dispersal. She crouched behind a table of baked goods, stuffing a hot cross bun in her mouth and another in her pocket, and waited to see what would happen next. A brute on a great dark steed, the leader of the assault, pulled up next to her hiding place. Acrid smoke billowed from beneath a studded hood. Fat fingers, charcoal logs, brandished a jagged blade. He sat there, on his high horse both literally and figuratively, surveying the chaos with a deep chuckle of grim satisfaction. Then he dismounted, filled his canteen and watered his mount from the gaily bubbling fountain, and moved on. A forward contingent of the creatures had broached the gate and many more, hundreds more, were approaching. The fog, which had obscured the arrival until the last moment, a diabolic whirlwind of stinging, lung-clogging dust, deteriorated every structure it came into contact with. The stone perimeter of the stronghold began to disintegrate, allowing the intruders wider entry. To pass through the gate would have taken the horde all day. With the walls collapsed, the band of interlopers was upon the besieged citadel from every direction at once. There was no place to run and no place to hide.___________________________________This won't do. I can't rewrite this, nor would you want me to. I'll jump from hot spot to hot spot, explaining what perplexes me.6% Why there are no survivors, but for Melodina? Surely there would be a few, out of an entire city. 7% Why on earth would the king be willing to adopt a rag-tag orphan? There must be many more suitable candidates. There's a story here also, and I want to hear it.A princess relies on a clock? She would have attendants to wake her up, maids-in-waiting. She washes up at a pitcher and basin (no running water?) but has an alarm clock? Very odd.9% A male of-age royalty has a chaperone? No. He has a companion.I really doubt that an eighteen old princess would have the reputation of being a drunken whore. If that's so, the rumor has been spread for a reason. Adamar must have theories. He's done some investigation. This is the girl he's being pushed to marry. He's not flying blind here. 11% A prince wouldn't be shoved through a door by guards, I don't care how reluctant he is to enter. Rank is rank, and duty, duty. Dignity must be preserved. 18% 'I wanted to give our guest a dinner' … here is the prefect opportunity to explain more about Adamar's homeland. It is, perhaps, a less sophisticated court, and he has spent his youth being trained up in the traditional occupation of a second son, the military life. 19% Melody dislikes politics, she knows nothing about such matters, and this is apparently a betrothal dinner, yet policy seems to be the king's intention for conversation. Sorry, I don't buy it. The formal introduction of prospective spouses and appropriate light conversation is surely more important at this particular moment than a two year old treaty. 21% If the two kings are estranged, why is this match under consideration? Give us some background. There's some wheeling and dealing going on here.And I doubt that the girl would be allowed to withdraw from the ceremonial occasion on the pretext of not being hungry. Would the king stand for such immature behavior? That certainly puts him and his paternal authority in a bad light. The princess is a head-strong ninny with no sense of duty. Not good, to allow Adamar to get this impression right off the bat. Wait until the marriage papers are signed.24% Adamar wants to go on patrol with Lucas. Sorry, I don't think a Corporal wold have the authority to put a visiting royalty at risk of his life without a permission from the king. The man is here to contract a marriage vital (presumably) to both kingdoms, not to get himself killed in a street fight with local thugs. 29% Dear God. Now they're inviting Melodina along. The king would not go for that, either. No, they could NOT use her passion in a situation like that. That's nuts! Are these men mad?The princess moonlights as a crime fighter. She's up all night, watching and waiting. How does she function during the day? She has attendants sleeping in rooms adjacent to hers. How is it that her comings and goings at odd hours are not noticed? This behavior is outrageous, and all Adamar can say is, "But Melody?"Adamar's gone missing. Why has all hell not broken loose? "If the prince had been killed while staying in Nautia …" Exactly! This was a dumb-ass idea, to drag that pip-squeak along. Luke should face the firing squad (or whatever) for it. And, who is de Leigh to question a prince who one day may be his monarch? He acts like an equal. A subordinate takes orders from a prince and does not question.The prince, a field commander, used to being in charge, would not beg, 'Trust me." He'd say, "Enough, Corporal. Dismissed!"34% The Ashbreed again. Tell us who they are and what their goal is. Help us make sense of this thing.37% Melody comes to the meeting in the king's apartments in nightgown and robe? You can't be serious. Officers, officials, and she's in her nightie?Why do the officials doubt the story of Ashbreed and a fog that destroys a city? In happened in Principia. Don't tell me that history isn't well known.40% Now Melody wants to follow Adamar into danger. And the loon agrees. "I guess I can't stop you." (Sure he could.) "I welcome your companionship." (He's as dippy as she is. What good can she do?)41% She's in her nightgown, he's barefoot. His parents are dead, his kingdom's been destroyed … the perfect moment for some fool-around swordplay. Ah! Vaughn had been at the meeting in his pajamas also. It was a pajama party. You didn't tell us THAT. He treats Melody as a possession? This sword-savvy, thug-chasing vigilante, afraid of nothing? A royal princess puts up with his insolence? Uh, oh. Is she being blackmailed? 45% Vaughn abuses her regularly, it seems, in public: "Most people just look the other way." I don't think so. Why is the king not informed?Melody, the warrior princess, can't protect herself from him? She runs wild, with a sword on her hip. Maybe you're right. Adamar needs her help. He's a twit. "I told him I would go. I promised." Well, that makes it all alright, doesn't it? Luke will help her get away. All these folks are coo-coo. There's not a level head in the lot.Ah! The palace does have running water. So why did she earlier wash with a basin and a pitcher?"We can't have you getting hurt." Then don't let her go, you dope."I promise that nothing will happen to me." Sure, sweetie. That puts MY mind at ease."Okay, then, just as long as you're not hiding anything from me." These two sound like they're ten years old. Let's see … Melody likes Adamar, likes him well enough that she's willing to follow him into Hell (death and destruction await, by all indications) AND he can save her from the abusive Vaughn if she'll marry him, but she won't, not unless she's forced to. Weird.68% Luke knows about Vaughn? Why did she never ask for help? Why did he never intervene? Ah! She wanted to solve her own problems. Yikes!These people are too much. No matter what disaster befalls, they say, "I'm fine." This is not honest interaction. These are cartoon characters spouting pablum. Nobody acts like this, not even in fairy-land, or elf-land, or anywhere. News flash: Self-preservation is more important than 'solving your own problems' under any circumstances. Corporals do not help brainless princesses to risk life and limb on a whim. Loving friends do not agree to drag you along on a dangerous mission because they want companionship. I'll give you two stars, for effort, because I know you've worked very hard on this. Look, I've read some of your reviews and comments on other submissions, and I was very very impressed with your perception and your ability to express yourself. Honestly, you can do better than this. Get real, eh?
You need to write your characters with as much detail as you could summon if you were writing about your sister. None of these yo-yos make me say, I understand that joker. Maybe I wouldn't make the same choices, but I see why he might find that a reasonable path to take.
Everything happens too fast, with insufficient information/description/explanation.
Hi,I should first beg your forgiveness for my presumption in daring to review your work, and for any and all amendments I may suggest as I read through it. Please be aware that I'll give my honest thoughts, as I go along.... and may well have to correct myself as the story unfolds. Also, assuming I find any, I'll point out any typos or alternative wording where I think, it may be of use. Rather than explain every time that this is only my opinion, and you may well prefer your original version, and be right in doing so.... please take this as read :)1% She sniffed at the air, which felt somehow static and heavy.The attention of the people in the marketplace turned too, to watch.... 2% legs refused to obey.great, dark (comma between adjectives)...into the familiar comfort of her shoulder.or.... seeking refuge in the familiar.....3% ripped out the blade, leaving her lifeless body to tumble to the... or ...spent body... or writhing body. (I feel 'the woman's' depersonalises the very personal trauma she must be feeling)I think some time has to pass before Melodina falls asleep (even as a retreat) maybe she could scamper out to her mum and then hide again in terror, unwilling to leave but unable to move the dead weight of the body...(before rather than after her exhausted sleep)her, becoming fragile (comma)alley, not ally... or is this a different country, different spelling thing?her chest (sorry, just don't like 'the woman's')AT THIS STAGE I SHOULD MENTION THE STORY IS HOOKING ME, I WANT TO READ ON. (disturbing considering what's just happened)....mercifully blinding her....the platoon he led, surveying...or just... his platoon, surveying4%...in the few homes which remained standing."That is good news" hmmm, maybe Well that's something OR Finally! OR Thanks be to ###!6%hear the lie in his voice (or insincerity, doubt or futility)her action lacked its former conviction.no other survivors apparent amongst their numbers (or just other instead of extra)7%.....still clinging to his neck.She had been told he was the youngest prince...8% preparers??? attendants.. or.. body servants... don't know what the term is, but there must be one :)9% loose, drunken(I'm thinking back to the conversation the soldiers had after finding Melody... I'm not sure about the concept of, is the king still wanting to adopt an heir..... it's a bit too pat. How about does the king still want any survivors to be presented to him.. OR.. someone says " All survivors must be presented to the king, but not in that state. Clean her up soldier!" and then let the reader work out that she has been adopted, as a consequence to their meeting, during the next chapter? Just a thought! You can have her remember her first introduction to royalty, and her shock at being chosen as an heir, or just leave it to the imagination, as you prefer..... Or indeed ignore me... what do I know?10% ...face ached from the smile she wore (didn't change anything, just like the phrase so thought I'd mention)obligatory position, or, designated position, rather than 'spot' next to the king....ushered through the doorway by two more guards. (or forceably ushered... or maybe he was pushed!)...lean frame, no matter how much grace with which he walked.save for his gold......12% such a fine creature as the princess surely was (raather than 2 suches)the majority of his.....13% Adamar set it...17% had to agree to marry her. (missing a 'to')21% ...best place from which to see the streets..Clasping the long sword with both hands he swept it arcing groundwards, cutting down the nearest predator...... (not keen on the two handed chop)22% Now there w e r e three Stepping aside he let the man's momentum carry him past (cuts down on the repetition of the word 'vigilante'I'm going to leave it here for the night. I'm enjoying the story, but as this is my first review, I just want to check if you feel it's helpful, or a bit nitpicky... I might be giving too much feedback. I'll continue in this vein if you like, or read on and comment more on the overall story..... which is holding my interest nicely, by the way.Let me know how you'd like me to continue, and I apologise... I know I am commenting much more on the small points I'd change and not so much on all the parts I like. It's just, if I like them just as they are (and that's the majority of the writing), I don't know what to constructively write.Anyway... enjoying it so far and will certainly continue. Hopefully you can see this when I save it.... let me know please, as I keep mentioning; this is my first review.Thx, Mike
I've to read on before I can really comment on this... which I look forward to doing. I'm just posting this now so as to discover how detailed you would like the rest of my review to be!
I found the pace, comfortable. Fast enough not to be frustrating, slow enough to allow me to become familiar with the characters. Perhaps some more detail could be given in places, but I felt the emphasis was in telling a good old story, rather than a stylistic literary presentation..... if that makes any sense!
I started to write a review to help me keep track of where I was, but it didn't load up. So, I'm starting again. :(This is just a thought, since there is so much time that has passed between the first and second chapter, why not make the first chapter a prologue? You could definitely shorten it to make it fit as one and this way, when starting chapter 2, it's not so thwarting. JMO. I'm not sure where the 12 chapters were added, but with some of the grammatical issues fixed, this is a fluid story. I think you could do with sealing off a few of the plots that you have going on here before finishing this as book 1. I really enjoyed what I read and it seems that you have a good handle on things here. As I said before, I have no idea where you added the chapters, but it seems to work. :)
I have to say that I was thrown into a loop when Vaughn's true nature was exposed. I'm most of all confused by Adamar. His character seems to be lacking a little more back story or more revealing of himself. But that is just my opinion. I like how you introduced Cyn. Tao is kick ass!The only one that I don't have a clear mental picture of is the Witch. I'm hoping you are still planning on bring Luke and Melody's real father into the story more as well.
The pacing is fine with me. I like a good long story that keeps me wanting to turn pages. Some may feel that the lag bogs down the plot, but I don't see that here. I think you are doing good on the road you are on and hope that you keep it up! :D
Ch 1 - I like the image you portray at the beginning with the game, but the real action that grabs me as a reader isn't until the third page when we realize Melodina can't find her mother and things start happening. I'd suggest you start with this. Now, I realize I'm late to the game in reading/commenting on your work and you've probably made lots of edits, so do with this review what you will. I'm just going to comment as if this was just posted, okay? :)Something I've learned in my short time here is all about showing, not telling. I know this is probably moot for you, but for example, on the fourth page when the action comes crashing down, work in more "show" - like Melodina turning her head frantically from side to side, looking for her mother's (a telltale trait, like a hat she wears, or her hair color)... Maybe she stifles her urge to cry. We can all identify with the feeling, as a child, of losing a parent at the store or something. Play up that fear. The mob of people assembled abandon their business and a silence falls over everything... things like that. :) Love the crowd as a wave analogy - perfect! I think you need to identify Melodina as an elf early, but instead of saying it, describe her in a way that leads us to that conclusion: talk about her ears if they're pointed, or some other physical trait. Love this bit about the mystery guests, but you call them beats and then say they have fingers like charcoaled logs, so your description is a bit confusing. Some of your word usage is awkward and sometimes unnecessarily wordy: "with crates both broken and whole; reached about her neck; kissed her upon the forehead; shot up to her feet and threw fragments of broken crates before the opening. I suggest: narrow alley filled with discarded crates; reached to unhook a silver oval; kissed her forehead; shot to her feet and hastily arranged another crate piece over her daughter's hiding place. (I bookmarked the page.) When Melodina watches her mother's murder, wouldn't she have screamed but nothing came out, maybe? The way you've written it just makes it seem like she's not reacting at all. I'd also convey the passage of hours while she hides in the crate - otherwise, it seems like she falls asleep immediately, which I don't think would be plausible. In the same page, you write that in the time she'd been hiding, the crate had rotted - how? I'd suggest using a different word than "about" - you use that a lot and it reads awkwardly. Alley is spelled wrong repeatedly. Was the knife used to kill her mother a thick one? How would it leave a hole?Our introduction to Lt. Lucas de Leigh is mixed because the first bit of dialogue comes from another person. I like the first line - it says a lot. But I'd get rid of the second one - it seems a moot comment to me. We know that the villain in this wasn't content to do what Lancaster is saying, so why comment on the obvious? Also, I'd suggest revising the sentence prior to that to: He stood before his platoon, surveying the twisted gates of the elven town. (By saying his platoon, we know he's leading it.) Need a new paragraph and a dialogue tag beginning with, "I don't like this any more than you do..." And how does Luke know "there's more to it?" How could Melodina's mouth be twisted into a hard line? Maybe "set in a hard line"? I like how when she takes a swing at Luke, it only hits his kneecaps - shows us how little she is. Good! Luke has a paw? I got the impression he was human! The exchange between him and Melodina was touching, but seemed a bit rushed, considering her initial distrust of him. Your ending of chapter one is a bit awkward. Maybe end with the dialogue about how they're going to present her to the king, since they obviously did that. :)Ch 2 - I like the image of the city by the sea. Woah - all of these rumors about Melody; wonder how that happened! :) Might I suggest: Adamar stepped out into the sunshine? Adamar wished he had someone to talk to. At 4%, this sentence is awkward: ...the prince held an atmosphere of awkwardness about his tall and lean frame with no matter how much warrior grace he walked. Maybe, "the prince walked with an air of awkwardness that belied his military experience." ? I don't get a sense of the prince's age at the beginning. I find it contradictory that Adamar notices something cold and possibly distrustful about Melody, but he's willing to let her hold his prized sword. Maybe there's a reason for this, though. :) He also seems like a bit of a wuss, for a warrior, but maybe that's because he's young. At this point, however, it's not clear. This is verbose: Melody got up, leaving her shoes sitting where her feet once were. I appreciate that you're trying to create a style of prose here, but it's awkward at times. I'd suggest simply: Melody rose, leaving her shoes behind. (and inanimate objects can't sit; only people and animals do) :) This sentence is awkward: Adamar watched as she picked up the sword from where the servant had laid it out across a table near the door they had entered through. Try this: Adamar watched as she picked up his sword. Since you just told us he asked that it be kept in sight,you don't have to tell us exactly where it is. :) I like the image of her wielding his sword. At the end of that passage, you mention she takes on an inhuman beauty. Isn't she an elf, and inherently, inhuman? Maybe otherwordly, instead? It seems to me that Melody's actions contradict her desire to make Adamar like her, no? She wants to escape the king, so he's her ticket out. She admits this, but then purposely shuts him out when they meet. At 7% (I bookmarked it), you have a few questions that are in need of question marks instead of periods. Also, I'm confused - Melody knew she was to marry this guy, but then she's upset about a possible contract having already been drawn up. ch 3 - I bookmarked the page, but this dialogue is awkward: beginning with "He struck again last night Sir." first of all, you need to add a comma before and after addresses like a title or name - always. The answering dialogue was confusing: "Witnesses say he was trying to save a woman that the victims attacked." By definition, the attackers wouldn't be victims, though I know what you're trying to say. And, just for reference, people are always who or whom, never that or which. :) Maybe: "Witnesses said he saved the woman those dead men attacked." ? I'd cut out some smiling in this scene. It seems odd. :) And I know from discussions on how to start a chapter that you're going to revise having chapters begin with Melody waking up, so I'll not comment. :) This part about the lockets is interesting and makes me wonder if each has special powers. :) Again, at 10%, you have victim twice in dialogue describing a dead attacker and the real victim. I'd keep a distinction - use attacker, maybe, here. When Luke and Melody speak of the vigilante, how would Melody know about him? You haven't divulged the identity of the damsel he saved the previous night, and she's just entered the room. It's suspicious! :) Love that she's the vigilante!Ch 4 - some awkward wording at the beginning: they both were mad with terror --> they were both mad with terror? Death seemed to cling around them --> Death seemed to cling TO them, ready to snatch their lives. I love the image of the urgent message! At 13%, it seems a bit odd that Melody would stand with her hands linked over her chest. Is there a reason she's doing that? At 15%, itself is one word, not two, and same with hallway. At 16%, this is awkward: "You are very far where you come from, your Highness..." Maybe: "You are very far from home..." ?Awkward: He posed his face into as pleasant a look as he could manage... --> He tried to smile, to lessen the blow of his words? At 17%, it seems strange that Melody and Adamar are sparring, which in itself is play-fighting, but then Adamar is thinking he can't bring himself to think of her as his enemy - why would he? I don't follow this logic, since they're supposed to be wed. Maybe it's the wording that's confusing. At 18%, you have Melody angry that Adamar has held back. She has some dialogue, then you say Adamar is ashamed. This is not necessary: She had found out anyway. We know that from everything else. Give your readers some credit that they can read between the lines. :) As an aside, I see this interspersed in your writing - the need to explain everything, maybe. It's not necessary. You've given us so much-leave some things unsaid. :)OVERALL: Some of the phrasing throughout is a bit awkward; I've commented on some of it. It reads as though you want to create an old world feel with your writing, but then you slip into modern usages, like "hard to" and "being left out of the loop" and "trashy slut" and "creep." It's a mixture that's choppy, at times, for me. I also find a lot of the dialogue is stilted and awkward. I'm not sure how to suggest a remedy, except to not overthink what your characters need to say; have them say what seems natural. Put yourself in their shoes. Also, I don't get much sense of place here. I had more from the first chapter and Melody's town than I do of this new home for her. Are we in a place that is medieval in nature? Seems that way, though we have modern things like alarm clocks and makeup. You're also lacking some vital commas in places, which ends up changing the meaning of the sentence or makes it awkward. One example: A shout came from the direction of the young man forcing the vigilante to notice that the lone man had seen him. (you need a comma after man); another: The figure dressed in black stood in the corner of whatever room he was in watching him. (need a comma after in) In terms of your writing overall, I think you have a wildly creative story here, but I often got bogged down and distracted by all of the unnecessary words and explanations. I think a good edit would really polish this story (and shorten it to a manageable length), though I'm not suggesting you chop your own story to pieces. That's what editors are for. :) (Note: sorry for the overall stuff thrown into the middle, but I couldn't cut and paste within this box.)Ch 4 - (continued) I'm confused about Vaughn's role, since I was under the impression Melody had to find a husband, and Adamar was her last chance. Why would she have a lover? Even when you explained it, it seemed strange. Not sure what to suggest with that one; maybe later chapters will help me grasp that part of the story. :) At 18%, I think it's obvious Vaughn's a bad guy - this part's unnecessary: Causing others pain was what he loved to do best. This is a run-on: She would never stand up [to] him when they were alone, he was just too strong. Awkward: He twitched his salt and pepper mustache in unhappiness. Maybe distaste? AT 19%, I feel like you're missing out on a really dramatic moment: when Melody tells Luke she's going with Adamar to help him defeat the Ashbreed. Instead, she just says, "I'm going with Adamar to help him out." Tell us exactly what she's going to do - remind us of the danger! And Luke's reaction MUST be stronger than a simple no, and Adamar looking like a kid who's lost his Teddy bear!! This is high drama, here! :) Play it up!Watch your verb tenses - stick to one religiously and consistently! (example: Such an event hasn't taken place since the Cleansing after the Tyrant was defeated. -you have past and present in the same sentence) At 20%, in Adamar's dream/vision, how can something comfort AND offend? I just can't picture this. Ch 5 - Okay, in a previous chapter (2, I think), you mention that Melody's memory of the day her mother died no longer bothers her, but here we see she's still suffering from nightmares of that day. This makes sense, but you might want to go back to the early chapter and not just dismiss the memory. Also, let's cut through all of this getting out of bed - make it shorter and get this girl up! :) At 21%, awkward: I could always do your favorite where I force myself upon you and make it as least pleasurable to you as possible. I get what you're trying to get across, but it gets jumbled here. Maybe: "Oh, I know - how about your favorite? When I force myself on you. Remember that? You like the feel of my hand around your neck?" Prince Adamar didn't seem to have all his glow today - ?? Do men really glow? Maybe I'm taking this too literally, but I really think it dampens his manliness. :) So, I see at 23% that Melody has no romantic feelings for Adamar. I wonder how she's going to avoid Vaughn and having to marry, then! At 25%, where did Vaughn go?? He's beating her up and then he's gone. And since Luke has to run to her, I'm assuming he wasn't the one to throw off Vaughn. This is confusing. And I don't know why Melody would cover for Vaughn, after Luke asks how the injuries happened. She's leaving, after all.Love the weapons! And I love the horse's name, by the way. :) Naming horses, for me, has been fun in my own fantasy story. At 27%, I really like the show of Adamar's skill when he nearly knifes Melody, but then the bumbling apology is funny. I'm guessing you want this "warrior" to be a mushy one - at least when it comes to her. :) At 27%, at the end of that section, the banter between the two is the first naturally flowing dialogue I've seen - it's perfect! More of this! :)Tao proves to be an interesting character to round out the motley trio! :) Ch 7 - horrible but appropriately gut-wrenching part describing the ruins and dead. :( I noticed you often confuse your and you're, its and it's - watch those. :) At 30%, it just feels inappropriate given the situation that someone would smile and wink at Adamar - even if he does know the prince. So, at 31%, we meet Damitri and know immediately his age, but I still don't know how old Adamar is!
I like Melody - I get that she is strong and able, yet obviously not infallible. At first it bugged me that she was so good with a sword that she moonlighted as the vigilante (wish there had been more of that!), but this Vaughn bastard could make her tremble. I will definitely keep reading to find out what power he really has, but it's an interesting dynamic. Adamar is a good egg, though I do find myself wishing he would live up to his so-called title as a "warrior" prince. The blushing and crying detracts from my view of him, but maybe that's just me. Or maybe you hope for Damitri to stand out in contrast to his brother. I like Tao - she's a breath of fresh air. Can't wait to see how she is woven in. (I stopped on chapter 7 simply because it took me so long to get this far and time was not on my side, but I hope my comments on the story thus far will be helpful.)My only suggestion with characters would be to pare them down; don't focus on minor characters so much. Right now, I have so many names swirling in my head, it's hard to focus. But the ones I know are important - Luke, Adamar, Melody, the king, Damitri, Tao - you have fleshed them out well. :)
Like I said in overall feedback, I'd start with the action and slow down on Luke and Melodina's meeting in Ch1. Overall, I think subsequent chapters have good pacing, though there's a lot of information being thrown at us in each one. It's not exactly an info-dump, but it's a fine line between the two. I understand that in fantasy we need to educate the readers on the world we've created, so it's a delicate balance of just the right amount of information. It's something I'm still working on in my own writing. :) I can't help but wonder what ever happened that day when unknown things attacked Melodina's town. I'm currently on Ch 3 and there hasn't been any mention of them. I'm sure that's on purpose; I'm just curious. :) Ooh! There they are in chapter 4!! Love their names, LeeAnna. Perfect. Can't wait to hear more about these evil things. What I think I'd like more of is tangible things describing the place - sights, sounds, smells, etc. A lot of the information feels like it's a report, and not woven into the story itself.I'm finding myself bogged down by all of the names of towns, capitals and different lands, and the political hierarchy you've set up. It's just a lot of information, but I understand your need to provide background, so it's not a criticism. Just my observation. Overall, I think the pacing is fine. Like I said, it's a delicate balance and you have so many things going on here: the Ashbreed, an impending marriage, a quest, evil-doing by Vaughn. It certainly doesn't lack for plot! :)I hope this has helped.
The story has an excellent opening, drawing the reader into the world created here.
Good character development with descriptions provided in a natural progression rather than just a data dump. Characters are intriguing and elicit emotions from the reader.
The plot has a good pace with a nice sense of urgency.
Shaping up to be a good idea, and I really dig the title. The copy needs a little editing, perhaps, but I like the concept and the descriptions, especially. I will read further very shortly!
I would say be careful of over-perfection with regard to the protagonists, though. It's a serious temptation--I know characters are basically like your own kids after a while and you want to make them appear as intelligent, good looking, and talented as possible, but so far I'm not able to empathize much with either Adamar or Melody.
I think the break between her being found by Luke and the suggestion to present her to the king was very sudden, as are certain elements of the next piece of the story once Adamar comes into the picture, and some things are alluded to (black eye and abuse) and not explained in a timely way--I think offering a little more info on that especially might make the reader a little more accepting of why she wants out of the royal life. The appearance/disappearance of the vigilante is also a bit choppy.
Well, you did ask for comment, and you forgot to say, “Anyone but Jay,” so…You’ve changed many things, and for the better. That’s good. But you haven’t addressed the single most important problem, POV. At present, the POV is still yours, alone, and because of that it reads too much like a report, presented by a dispassionate observor.• Disappointment grew in her as her playmates argued who would be the chaser.This is the opening line and it’s clearly you reporting on an isolated fact. We don’t know here they are or who they are, yet. We don’t know the game being played, or if it matters t the plot. We don’t know why she’s disappointed, and not part of the group enough to have a viewpoint to express. So why would the reader care that she was disappointed? She left the game. That’s all that matters.What you’re doing is viewing the scene in your mind, and explaining why she did what you just saw. But the reader hasn’t seen it. And since they know so little of her emotional landscape, a reader doesn’t care. But reading is all about our caring what happens to our new friend.But suppose you’d begun with sometong on the order of what have below? (thoughts are set off with *)- - - - -“But it should be my turn,” Stella grumped. I haven’t had a turn all day.”Melodina sighed. What the human had been doing all day was complaining, as usual, and took all the joy out of playing warhound. Perhaps if she would pay more attention to the game, she might tag the base before she was tagged, herself and earn her own turn as hound.A comment to that effect came to her lips, but good manners won out over anger. And in any case humans couldn't be expected to behave like elves, and she was simply behaving like what she was.“Kayle’s right, Stella,” she said. “The rules are the rules.” She shrugged. “But either way I have to meet my mom now.” As she walked away from the group she smiled at the idea that the stop in play had saved her from having mom show up and drag her away from the other kids, like a baby. So maybe Stella was useful for something after all.About to climb to the bed of one of the wagons, to gain enough height to find her mother in the crowded market-square, an oddly shaped cloud in the distance stopped her. Its dark shape hung below the other clouds, and as she watched, it moved steadily downwards, as it approached the city, moving with unnatural speed. Unnatural, too, was the deep purple color, and the sharply defined edges.*That’s no cloud.* What it was, wasn’t certain, and that held her transfixed for a moment, lost in speculation. That it was magic in origin was obvious. Nothing natural traveled that quickly. Then, when it became obvious that it would touch the ground near the city, and soon, she scrambled to the wagon bed, and scanned the square, seeking the reassurance of her mother’s face.Her scan of the market showed only that others were aware of the cloud, too. The fear that showed on their faces spurred her to...- - - - - - - - It’s not your story, and not your character, either. It’s a parallel to illustrate a more character-centric way of approaching the act of telling the story.Note that each beat of the storytelling begins with something that will claim her attention: The argument. The cloud; the realization that it’s not a cloud; the concern that it might not be benign; being unable to find her mom.Note that in each case she quantifies the event and then deals with it, which leads, natiurally, to what next has her attention. And in doing that, the scene is divided into a series of time-sequential events. In other words, there’s a scene-clock running.And, though the narrator hasn’t “explained” anything, the reader has learned: the kids are playing a game of hide and seek; one child is of the type we all know, and annoying; they’re in a market square, and the technological level appears to be at a wagon and beast level. No, I didn’t include all the background information you did, but does the reader really need that, at this time. Were we to learn that her father had volunteered to come to the “settlement town” would it have bearing on her leaving the game, the cloud, or seeking her mother? No. So its inclusion would only slow the narrative, at this point. Certainly, it's nothing she's thinking about. If it’s necessary to know that bit of background someone could call this a settlement town in a way that gives, rather then requires context.My point is that in the example given, the reader is in HER POV. She perceives the argument about the game, and her dissatisfaction makes her realize the time and her need to find mom. Her bit of diplomacy in not snapping at the human shows her personality while introducing the concept that human and elf children play together (implying that they are of like size), while also telling the reader they’re not in Kansas. Her realizing that the cloud must be magical in origin demonstrates both that she’s familiar with magic and that something unusual, to her, and a bit frightening, is about to happen. That’s foreshadowing the screams and the appearance of the armed fighters.By approaching the events as her, and by avoiding summations of events, the POV is hers, and the author retires to the prompter’s booth. That places the reader with her, rather then in a seat in the author’s study. It also, because it places the reader into the moment of time she calls, “now,” gives a sense of uncertainty. We know what she perceives, and what her reaction to it is, but neither we nor her know what will happen next, giving both her and the reader an interest in seeing what happens as a result of her decisions and actions. In other words, the reader becomes a participant in the scene.As I usually do, I’ll recommend several articles, and one of two books:The articles:http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phphttp://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.htmlhttp://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fictionThe books:Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer (on Amazon)Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict (www.gryphonbooksforwriters.com/home/gmc.htm)Swain’s book is better but at times, a dry read. Dixon’s goes into less depth but is a warmer read. Both cover much the same ground.Hang in there, and keep on writing.Jay Greensteinhttp://www.jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/about
I didn't find a lot of character being displayed, mostly because the view was external, and the characters often acted my without known motivation
Things happen, and you don't spend too much time on trivialities, but too often they seem more as items ticked off on a list of plot-points, because of the dispassionate method of telling the story.
I enjoyed the overall feel of the piece, and the change of pace from the peaceful solitude of a summer’s day to sudden violence certainly helped keep my interest. Starting the book from the young girl’s point of view instantly gives the reader a side to root for and I liked the introduction of the Lieutenant as something other than an emotionally vapid warmongering solider. Things happen in rapid succession without feeling too rushed and I liked that you had a consistent flow of language that established that these characters were not talking like ‘Bob’ and ‘Cheryl’ from down the street.So, onto my criticisms, and they are not harsh so fear not tiny child. Just slight grammatical issue’s, a lot of which I suffer with myself – So I probably see my own mistakes or ‘tendencies’ (that’s a good word isn’t it!) that cause my own work to…to….not flow!?O.K. now I’m no English Lit. Student and so grammar is not my strong point, but I would just like to point out a few things that just didn’t ‘read’ as easily as I thought they might have done.So, here are a few examples.There’s a lot of She, He and Melodina’s popping up in your text, and I know from my own writing experience that it’s difficult trying to convey some scenes without repeating people’s names or the he/she ‘issue’. Think of different ways of conveying the character’s thoughts and emotions without the he/she’s.Repeating the girls name ‘Melodina’. Tricky this, and its something I have a problem with. How to tell the story from your characters point of view without saying she/he/or the name over and over again.So, for instance instead of saying ‘Melodina felt exhaustion laid its hands upon her…..you might say ‘exhaustion laid its hands upon her…, since you’ve already in the preceding passage that this is her ‘Melodina’s’ current experience.Below are a few specific lines I had ‘Issue’s’ with (sounds very dramatic doesn’t it):1.The sentence ending with:‘among the first to come to this settlement town of Principia.’ This is followed immediately with‘They had needed a military leader to organize the troops assigned to this town’My ‘Issue’ Well, ‘Town’ sounds odd when mentioned twice.2.The sentence ending:‘The air felt static and heavy.’ Followed immediately with, ‘She sniffed the air.’My ‘Issue’ ‘air’ of course3.Below is ‘I think’ a Typo in the sentence:‘The child dared to open her eyes despite that the sounds and scents still pervaded the atmosphere.’ Maybe ‘that’ was supposed to come after scents and before still.4.Problem (see: issue) with:‘Lieutenant Lucas de Leigh shook his head. He stood before his platoon he led surveying the twisted gates of the elvn town.’ Maybe if you just took out ‘he led’ it would read better.5.‘The girl took a swing at each of his men forcing them to move back, Luke raised his hands up and she took a swing at him’ - maybe put ‘too’ after that.6.Instead of ‘without taking his eyes off of the girl’ – remove ‘of’.So I have left you 4 stars out of 5. I am loathe to leave anyone 5 stars as this might caused them to develop an unhealthy ego, and everyone's book can be improved upon, even the best of the bestselling writers.Good luck with your writing.All of the above is do as I say and not as I do. I have to re-edit numerous times and it definitely pays to be your own worse critic.
You establish the girls character early on as an innocent, and so there is no problem connecting with the child's predicament. The Lieutenant is introduced and quite quickly established as a ‘good guy’ through his actions and the feelings he has towards the troops and his initial reactions to the girl and her pain. This is from having read 30% of the book.
I thought the pacing was good. It kept my interest, without getting too bogged down in any one character. Events unfolded in fairly rapid succession without it feeling too rushed. Starting with comparative normalcy and quickly introducing a sequence of events that draw the reader in.
Hi. I thought i would make a few comments that the other reviewers haven't made. They all seem fairly knowledgeable so I'm not sure I can do as well. I'm a big believer in capturing the reader in the first chapter. So you really need to excel there. I like your idea a lot. your imagination is good and the idea is good. My constructive comments are on your repetition of certain words. I think we all fall into this habit without knowing it. In chapter 1 do you know you use the word "her" or "herself" 100 times. You use the word "she" and extra 41 times. This tends to dull the reader's interest in a subtle way. Because your real goal is to grab the reader right out of the box, you should probably thin the number of words you use in CH 1 by at least 20%. The way I tend to think of it is that each sentence needs to be 3 things. Clear, concise and important. If you go back and apply that test I think you will make a bunch of changes in 1. And it will be much better. There are lots of great things about your writing so please don't let me discourage you in any way.
Try to get the reader to really "care" about Melony a bit more in ch 1. This matters.
I'd like to be able to image the setting a little better. Since I'm trying to do this in my mind I tend to slow down the pace. These two go together.
Sorry this is a little late. Jetlag's been beating me with a stick for the last two days and I've been incapable of stringing together a coherent sentence.Your opening scene suffers a little from having a very omniscient perspective. You refer to stuff that Meladie really wouldn't know (climate, weather patterns, socio-economic factors), only to turn round and attest to her lack of knowledge. This feels a little odd as we're reduced to an observer of her life (as though she's a documentary subject) rather than experiencing it. I'd consider reworking the perspective so that it's far more part of her childish worldview. Imagine what this scene could be like from her small, unaware perspective. It'd be completely terrifying, which would give you a real emotional punch for your opening.You have a similar issue when describing things from the 'vigilante's' perspective, feeling almost like a documentarian than a narrator.The description feels a little hit and miss. At some points it's great, but a sentence or two in either direction it really doesn't gel. For example, we get this description of the 'Barbecued Riders' (as I'm going to think of the Ashborn): 'Smoke poured from its hood as fingers like charcoal logs wrapped around a jagged blade'. This is really good, but a sentence or two earlier, you describe the rider as a 'beast on a horse'. Beast isn't a very functional description of the Rider as it suggests something animalistic rather than the human-like appearance we're given everywhere else. Consider swapping it across to 'monster' or 'nightmare' to give us a slightly better feel for these things.Sticking with descriptions, you tend to make a bit of a hash of describing new species. For example, when you're talking about the 'isis' later on, you describe it as a 'flying cat called an Isis'. This doesn't really gel as your character knows what an isis is. Try recasting it as something like this: 'an isis, a particularly annoying breed of cat that could fly'.Currently, It makes your setting feel a little like it's been overlaid on the modern world, rather than being its own world.One area that I kept consistently noticing is that your description of emotions feels very loose. You'll name the emotion, but not give a sense of what it feels like. Despair, rage, love, hope aren't mental concepts, they're feelings. Try to give them physicial, tangible effects on the characters (eg black clouds, hot blood, tangible glow, rush of warmth) so that we get not just what they're feeling, but how it feels.You keep confusing 'you're' with 'your' over the course of this. 'You're' is the contraction of 'you are', while what you generally seem to mean is 'your' meaning another person's possession of something.One thing that really stands out is that your setting is a little unclear. We get little information about things like demons (I was particularly surprised to see that they had a full blown kingdom) and the more metaphysical side of your world, but what really stood out for me was how little we knew about the nature of the different territories. We get no real feel for what the lands of the different kingdoms are, so we've no real feel for the kingdoms as a whole. Telling us about what a land feels like can give an insight into its ruler and citizens. Wild, untamed forests can imply a country unable to tame its lands for whatever reason, while rolling fields of corn can suggest a prosperous, powerful nation used to peace.We could use a lot more definition to your world's more fantastical elements, like elves, dragons, The Tyrant, magic, exorcism, religion and the Artesian church. The problem is that we really don't know what the limitations are to these more fantastical elements, so we have no idea what problems they can't solve. In particular, we know nothing about the differences between humans and elves, nor do we know how relevant the Artesian church is, as it's sole element is Tao. For example, I've no idea how Adamar was able to magic up two axes in the last fight with the Ashborn.One major plot hole for me was the whole adoption of Melodia. Basically, why wasn't there anyone else in the line of Succession (cousins, uncles, other noble families). In particular, why didn't the Stewards get in the way?Another plot element that bugged me was why didn't Melody et al use dragons to take their messages? This is obviously faster, but it only pops up as an option halfway through the novel.Personally, I was a bit surprised at the lack of climax to the novel. It just sort of stops dead part way through the plot rather than coming to any kind of natural high. You really need a point of suspense or the like to get the reader interested in following on into the next novel. Consider having one last ambush on the group, probably from Fang's family, to bookend the novel, replete with revelations about the characters. Some revelation about the plot to return the Tyrant is perhaps essential.Despite what I've said, overall I think this is a solid start to a novel. You've got a good set of characters, engaging, multi-faceted villains and a plot that seems like it can run in an interesting fashion. At the moment what really seems to be letting it down more than anything else is uncertainty about the world and what's happening. Get rid of that and I think you'll be away.
In general, I quite like your characters and their arcs. There's a sense of growth to most of them and you unravel a bit of what makes them tick. The only real exception is Tao and she's fine as she is.One major niggle I have is that a lot of your minor characters are nameless. Alexander's father is one, Melody's chaperone is another, her maids a third. The problem here is that it makes them faceless, when they should at least figure into the character's life. If you give the chaperone some long, aristocratic name (double or triple barrelled is probably essential) then you'll immediately conjure up the image of some unqualified twit handed a cushy job just to keep her out of trouble.One major bit of charactization I had trouble biting on was Vaughn's freedom to abuse Melody. There's little explanation of how he's managed to get her into the position where she, a princess, can't stop him from assaulting her. Surely one set of bruises should have him in prison?My favourite bit of characterization is the shift of Damitri's personality. It's nice to see this sort of major shift in a character's behaviour and have it so noticeable. If anything, I'd focus in a bit more on it. Consider having some sort of flashback, just so that we can see just how much he's changed.Tao is a bit of an odd duck in here. She doesn't really change very much during the course of the novel and that's understandable as nothing as really moved her from her baseline. However, I do love her generally cynical, slightly insane perspective, so it's not like I think she needs to change much.
My sole issue with your pacing is that it's about a quarter of the book before the story really starts (26% of the way through). This makes the rest of the story feel a little pared down and we get less of the world as a result. While a lot of this is necessary to getting the basics of the plot out, I think It could be thinned down a little just to get everything else going.
Watch your mixing of tenses (past and present are warring).A bit fast though I see what you're trying to do with the attack in the village. To make it more believable that Melodina fell asleep after her mother is harmed, drag out the details of the continued attack or make shock numb her maybe? Too quick to see what happens then goes to sleep.I'm not going to get into the edits, I'm sure you'll take care of that later but be careful of usage mistakes like "your", "you're" and "ally" instead of "alley" because those are distracting to readers more than just typos.This is a story that starts strong and bring the reader in close right away. Archetypal characters are well placed but not overused with enough fresh aspects to keep the story original. Some repetition to watch out for (Luke is more of a father...) but a general streamlining cleanup is going to catch a lot of that.
We are learning about these people as we go with a decent amount of action giving us insight without too much narrative tangling us up and getting in the way of the story.Personally, I'd like to see a little more. In a few places (vigilante) things are a little fast and thin. Why is Melody doing this? I think I know, but what made her decide, did she witness something or does it all go back to being a child and now mishandled as an adult? Adamar's mother is Elven but wouldn't Melody know that or maybe it's a secret and he needs to prove himself? These little opportunities to learn more about characters' psyches are golden if used properly.I'm guessing Adamar's return and subsequent conversation with Shard is supposed to give us insight but it's too disjointed and ends up confusing.Also, I'm not sure Melody's character. Sometimes the dialogue gets a little choppy and juvenile. I know they're young but Melody can come off immature at times and waffles between formal and high school. (Sorry, writing as I read so my notes a little disjointed too)
Perfect pace which can be difficult when crossing times and introducing a court situation with so many players. Nicely done, do be careful not to go too fast and lose the details that make the characters live.
I read it all. I like the story very much, but there is no real climaxe yet and much of it is awkwardly structured. In spite of that, it still made sense to me, and it was still a good story. I am optimistic about the Author's future, because the writing reminds me of my own a few years back. Also, the whole idea of the rotting fog was new to me, and adds a dimension to the story that is intriguiing. It's a tale that can be developed into something that will sell.
The characters do come alive. The villians are despicable and the heroes are loveable, and I like that.
Sometimes it was hard to follow. Sometimes it jumped around a little bit, too, but I was able to follow the storyline, so it can't be all that bad.
Hi, I wanted to comment on your most recent work (looks like draft 15 of the prologue and chapter 1 if I'm interpreting correctly) since it looks like no one has done that for you yet.
Sorry I haven't gotten far enough in yet to comment on this much, but I do like the little elven girl. I think you've got a good start with her and will improve on her even more as you focus on word usage (simpler words in a couple of cases) and relocating background information that is too complex for her to understand. I like that you chose her viewpoint to start the story, but that means you have to filter every word and every concept through her young mind to tell her story in a way that will resonate with the reader.
As I'm just starting to read the prologue, I can see some good writing and description trying to shine through. But I hit some places where I stumble right from the starting gate, so I want to focus a little on these in order to help your beginning, as this is so important. The side benefit is that it will help all the rest of your revision process as well.First sentence: you repeat the words "of the" twice on the first line. Second sentence: you repeat the word "about" twice. Second and third sentence: you repeat "eyes" twice (easy fix for this one -- let her "gaze" dance in sentence 2 -- that works better, anyway). Having word repeats in close proximity like this tend to read like a hiccup in the prose, or like an engine that's running smoothly suddenly backfiring. It hurts the flow. Now this is by no means a complaint that I can guarantee every reader will have. Rhythm or flow in one's work can be pretty subjective. But these are easy fixes that can help at least some of your readers from tripping, so why not smooth out the path for everybody? If you don't already read your work out loud, I highly recommend this, and so would many professionals. Listen to your words with your ears, and little cases of word repetition like this and other less than graceful elements of your prose will often jump out at you. This tactic works well in the revision process, when you're really trying to make the prose sing.Another spot that even more directly affects pacing is on the second page or at 1%, where you do a little exposition of background information. It just doesn't make sense to me for a mother to be trying to explain things like establishment (big word for a little girl) of colonies and trade routes, to our young viewpoint character. Especially since you admit in the next paragraph that the girl didn't understand any of this. Good that you mention this fact, certainly, but it doesn't excuse an info-dump in a clumsy location. It's okay to wait on this exposition for now until you get to a more logical place to provide it in a more seamless way. Again, I see nice bits of writing here that I like and that flow right along, so I get the feeling you've already come quite a way in your craft. It's a matter of recognizing and correcting a bunch of little things, realizing they will make a huge difference overall.Still at 1%, the paragraph that starts, "The girl turned her blue eyes on the sky..." How does one do that? Picky, yes. But nevertheless it is word usage that is a little bit careless, and many readers will notice, especially if there's a pattern of carelessness. How about, "The girl turned her blue eyes *toward* the sky..." Makes much more sense. Later on in that paragraph, another big word tripped me up a little, not only because it seems out of place in the little girl's world, but also because it's the wrong tense. "Phenomena" are plural. In fact, the people in the marketplace are watching a singular "phenomenon." But again, I think a simpler word would work better.As I continued reading a little more, I could feel the excitement build, which is good, and I could get into the attack on the village, which is also good; this all means you're doing some things well. But still some little things creep in that slow me down, such as the word "ally" when I think you actually mean "alley."I've just started to read past the viewpoint change in the prologue now, and I'm liking everything overall, but I've run out of time today. I'd like to continue to follow this and perhaps offer more on future revisions. Remember that taking care of the small things can keep your reader from growing weary so they stick around long enough to get absorbed by the story. Sorry I only barely started in on the story, but I'm looking forward to seeing if you can drag me in further with future revisions. I hope you do.
In the forum you were talking about your writing, and how you need reassurance because you're unsure of how well you're writing. I've looked at the three stories you have posted, so while I'm commenting on this story I'm in reality, talking about your writing in general.Before anything else let me say that my comments have nothing to do with you as a writer, or your potential and talent. What I have to say concerns approach, only, and if fixed will make a significant difference in your stories.There is one overriding problem that needs fixing: you're writing exactly as you have been taught to write. You're presenting the story in an author-centric way, fact-based, and clearly organized. But, the thing that no one ever tells us in our schooling is that fiction is emotion-based and character-centric. The reader is far more interested in the character's reaction to events than the events themselves.A small example: were you given your choice of two books, the first beginning, “Suzanne went on stage today,” and the next with, “Suzanne wept on stage today,” you would most probably choose the second one because it raises question of emotion not fact. If you learn that Suzanne went on stage you might ask what role she played. But with the second story the question is clear: why?Look at your prologue. Every sentence is declarative and factual: “this happened… that happened… she did this… the day was… people were…” nowhere does anyone think, observe, or react. But the reaction is the story. It lives in the heart and mind of the characters. it's the struggle that matters. It's the striving, the desire, and the tears that make our stories interesting.Think of your own life. From the moment you wake your life is a linked cause and effect string that continues through the day until you sleep. Something takes your attention and you decide if it's important enough to react to. If it's not it's ignored. But if it is important enough we act, and in acting determine what will next hold our attention.In this story we have the facts: there is a fountain of unknown size in a square of unknown size in an unknown setting in an unknown town. An unknown elf child looked around, seeking something the reader is not aware of. For unknown reasons she climbs onto the side of the fountain, stands, and wiggles her toes. Why? I have not a clue. And you don't tell me. But it's the why of it that makes her a person to a reader. If I know what she's trying to accomplish I can make judgments. But if I don't, it's just data—history, a report, devoid of emotion.But let's look at another approach. Let's get into her head so deeply that we see only what she is paying attention to. I don't mean what her eyes can see. I mean what she is actively paying attention to. In her world she wants to be higher and the fountain offers the means to do that. Or, perhaps she just wants to see if she can climb. As soon as we move into her point of view we have context. She doesn't just do things. She does them with purpose. And that gives a reader a reason to follow her action.You say that a dwarf and an ork haggling has caught her attention. That's a fact. But that's your observation not hers. Why? Because she does nothing but see them. She has no opinion and she takes no action. So, why do I care that her eyes stop on them for a moment? The answer is I don't. In fact what have I learned up to the point where someone says, “A storm is coming,” that matters to the situation and to that young elf? The answer is nothing, because I'm in your point of view and you're talking about the situation, you're not providing a live scene.Now, that's a harsh judgment, I admit. But remember what I said: this is not about you or your storytelling skills. It's about writing exactly as you've been told, and giving me a report on the situation. Why does it matter? Because the writing skills that we all learn in school are general skills of use to any adult. They are NOT the skills unique to the profession of fiction writer.As I like to point out: you and I spent more time studying math and history than we did studying writing. Are we mathematicians or historians? No. Why not? Because we learned general skills that are useful to any adult on the job and in life. We are also not biologists. And, we've not been prepared to write a script for stage or screen.Given that, does it not make sense that like the mathematician and the historian the writer needs more than general skills?It does, but you and I and virtually everyone else leave our primary education believing that what separates us from professional fiction writers is talent and a good story idea.Here's a deep dark secret: just like grammar and composition skills fiction writing skills are learned. Try this: at least half the fiction in your library has something different about first paragraph of each chapter. Many have that same difference on the paragraph that follows a scene-break. It's obvious, but do you know what it is. We all read. We all see it. But damn few ever notice. In fact, lots of people will stare at the page and not see it until it's pointed out. I'll save you the trouble, if you don't already know: the first paragraph in a chapter is often not indented. And if we don't see something that obvious, how much else do we miss?So in the end what I'm really saying is that there's a huge body of craft just waiting for you to discover it and put it to use to make your story sing. With them you can make a reader becomes so involved in your story that when a punch is thrown at your antagonist they will duck. It's a trick. It's not a secret. There's no initiation rite. It's something anyone can learn.Try this on for size: the three articles below are a good introduction. The first talks about how to get you and the reader into the characters point of view, and of more importance to get you offstage. The next talks about how to organize your story into units of growing tension. The last shows how to keep from distancing the reader from the story.http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phphttp://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.htmlhttp://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/If those articles makes sense I would suggest you look into the book that's mentioned as being one every writer should have, Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It has the power to literally change your life, so far as writing is concerned. It will have you saying, “Why didn't I think of that for myself?” over and over again.You might also want to look at the article in my blog called, The Beginners Corner. I wrote it for the new writers in my RWA chapter, and people have told me they found it helpful. In addition, I've taken a scene and deconstructed it to show why things were done and what their objective was. For what it's worth it's here: http://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/07/10/grumpy-writing-coach-7/Hang in there, and keep on writingJay GreensteinWizardsForeign EmbassySamantha and the BearMe: http://www.jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/about
It was hard to comment on this since we're primarily reading the words of an external observer. We know what the character's do, but not why, to any depth.
Not what it should be, I'm afraid, but that's a reflection on the approach to telling the story, not the story, itself.
you have a very ingaging story. I really like the plot twists. My only suggestions is to work on sentence flow and keeping modern words out of it. also, I am slightly confused how technology is working in a fantasy novel.
Love your characters! I feel for Melody and love Armad and Luke.
Like the pacing. it felt good to me. You get the story going with internal intension and mystory.
This is a review for your newly updated prologue.I will write as I read, so you can get my first impressions as best I can phrase them.Straight away, a better beginning than I had read previously. You've immediately introduced us to our protagonist - Melody - and the hint of childish conflict; the argument over the chaser - is far, far better than having a perfect world. However, the very first sentence doesn't immediately grip, and the use of 'The little girl' for our MC could be improved upon.I would warn about using 'the little girl' too often. The child, the youth... I would definitely suggest using 'Melodina' here immediately.'lost interest IN them'?First sentence of the second paragraph doesn't make much sense to me. Rephrase; e.g. 'Forgetting her playmates...'Description of her clothing - I can tell you're very clearly trying to SHOW instead of tell, which is good, but this description feels a little awkward. I would suggest replacing the 'while' with a comma and getting rid of 'her mother had just made her' - if you want to stress how recent the dirt is, maybe add a sentence about how furious her mother would be when she saw the filth on her brand new dress.Nice description of the market being filled with elves and humans - since you've mentioned elves here, you could use 'elf' as well instead of 'the little girl'. '...elves and humans searching for deal.' - awkward, and not just because of the missing 'the'. Replace 'deal' with, perhaps 'the ultimate bargain'?Wow, I'm very interested to see that orks are here - and they aren't man eating monsters! Definitely draws my attention further, good work!'...her father had taken up the call without being asked.' Delete the 'without being asked'. This paragraph is very nicely done - and I love the short couple of sentences beneath it - 'she only understood the part when her mother called her a blessing' - adorable! ^_^'...with most of their men to go assist..' delete 'go'. next sentence, replace 'just joined' with 'only recently joined'Hearing the man speak in 'her language', I would put in a sentence somewhere previously about the plethora of different languages being spoken.'Whispers in every language her ear recognised...' is awkward. Even just delete 'her ear recognised'.From this point (2%) the word 'her' is used a little too often. Mix it up with some the girl, the elf... Melodina...'hands like charcoaled logs' - fingers like charcoaled logs, surely, as hands aren't of one tube?'..her eyes buried deep...' - her face.'The child dared to open her eyes for the sounds and scents had not relented.' Rephrase. Do you mean that she dared NOT open her eyes? Or that the sounds and scents HAD relented? There seems to be a cancellation here - if the scary thing is still there, then why look?!'Hoof beats were heard..' - seem to slip into the present here.'She hadn't even known that time had passed.' - a little awkward. I know what you mean, but I think it could be phrased better. It didn't seem as if any time had passed.'Both had rotted around her becoming fragile' - comma after 'her'.'Dull light hit her eyes forcing her to blink' - comma after eyes and 'her eyes' isn't really needed.'..grasped at the bloody dress screaming for her...' comma after 'dress'. Comma after 'cheeks' in the next sentence.'It looks to me like we have another one' is a bit long winded for speech - especially for the first sentence of a subchapter. Try something simpler; 'Looks like we've got another one.'Robert Lancaster is well introduced; simply but elegantly so.at 5%, I'm not sure if Luke should say 'there is more' or 'there are more'. SurvivorS are what he is speaking of, so probably 'are'?'...there were moments where he felt older when it came down to the amount of times he had to solve things for boys barely a decade younger than him' - Long! Too long! Rephrase, e.g. split into two; '... there were moments when he felt older. It seemed he was forever having to solve problems for those barely a decade younger than him.'Well done in showing Luke's awkwardness in dealing with Melodina. I would only suggest - and it's entirely optional - adding in his clearing his throat as he tries to soothe her, to rid his voice of the insecurity. Ah, I like his swallowing.Beautiful description of Luke taking Melody's hand - I can picture it perfectly...with no extra survivors' - change extra to 'other' or delete.____________________________________Wonderful! Really, such an improvement from what was there before, while keeping the best bits of that version. Your descriptions have become more precise, your sentences far less wordy and awkward, and, as a prologue, this has become more enticing and interesting. You've also managed to engage the reader more by introducing Melody sooner. This has really resulted in a more direct 'voice' of the piece and makes it obvious WHO we will be following throughout the novel.Well done!
Great development for our darling Melodina, By showing her with her friends at the beginning, you've created a likeable childish figure, but one which - as is already becoming obvious - has hidden depths. Her disinterest in the arguing children hints at a wise, peace-loving child; and yet, even as the prologue ends, we see that this has changed already. Melodina's protection of her mother's body hints at her tough centre.Also, the reader can see almost immediately as Luke changes from the grizzled, awkward soldier to someone Melody can trust and look up to.
Well paced for the prologue - begins slow, with the lackadaisical pace of every day life, and then speeds up as the mysterious fog appears. Descriptions of the crowd as a 'wave' gives a hint of the mass panic spread throughout, as does the picture of a 'swarm'.The only thing that takes away from the great pacing is the subchapters. I think that, in order to keep up the rip-roaring pace, you shouldn't have Melody simply 'waking up', as such, to the empty city. A couple of sentences describing her cowering in fear as the things canter on by and, eventually, leave her be, would speed things up a bit there.Great work, well done!
I'm going to leave comments as I go along and the review will be pretty thorough, so I may not get too far past the first handful of chapters.The descriptions are relatively generic... what are the butterflies? colorful. what are the flowers? blossoming. We can't see these, they're just fluff.We have a sunny day, one in which EVERYONE is playing outside, and their talking about NOTHING important OR particular. This doesn't snatch the reader. We aren't drawn in in the first few paragraphs, even if they are set up to emphasize the evil that is the fog.In fact, if they only serve the purpose of comparison with the evil fog... then we don't get anything out of it. We see "A feeling of safety and satisfaction permeated the atmosphere..." really safety? Well, sounds like an invasion if I've ever heard one. Its too easy to see ahead of time and without the proper descriptive effect to back it.Another problem about drawing the reader in is that so far we have a group of people, not a person. There is no character for us to connect with or follow through this experience until its too late I think. We just mosey on through descriptions and to be honest, it won't make the reader want to go much furhter.I think there needs to be some hint that not everything is always perfect. No one likes perfection, because frankly no civilization is so rosy and perfect... there is always someone who is moping in the corner, or is taking advantage of the sunny day in a way that might not be of such pure intent.Having no one to follow or connect to is a big deal... take these lines."Soon they realized that the fog's ominous presence did not bode well for them"This line is just so disconnected from us. It sounds like someone reading a children's story aloud... you have this obvious sensation of being TOLD a story, rather than being in it."They gasped in horror but their reactions were not to be seen"- We CANT see this, we dont understand this, because there is no lens yet, no perspective. Until there is, we struggle to connect with even the atrocity that is happening. So EVERYONE gasps in horror? Simultaneously? It is left vague if not seen through a lens.. instead"Melodina heard gasps from those around her"Now, we have a point of view. But you have to remember that she needs to be noticing things through the current situation... Its mayhem, there perfect world gone array, evil has pierced the veil... she needs to see this."Then she saw her, a lovely woman with aquamarine eyes and pale blond hair." We're in the middle of a crisis, would this character, this Melodina, really notice THAT detail in the midst of it. Compare it to "Through the hysterical masses, she caught sight of her mother, those aquamarine eyes wide with panic, searching for her."Also, the shout is disjointed there... "The little girl shouted to her... " the mother calls her name though... it made me stumble. This is also a really good opportunity for a word, your first chance at dialogue, and all we get is her name. It's an important detail to get, but this tells us nothing of her mother, who is about to die. You see what I mean? This situation should tell us SOMETHING about the mother, either the daughter should be surprised by the fact that her mother couldn't find her immediately, or she should think its just like most days, her mother forgetting where she is because of her coquettish ways... we need to get a feel for their relationship through what happens in this moment. We don't. We just have a mother who gets stabbed and a girl who stares in shock. It's not about what is happening to them, its about how they're reacting and why they're reacting the way they are. We get very little of that.Again we get "and she clutched her legs to cry"... Naturally, but what fears are passing through her mind? Does she keep seeing her mother dying? Can she see the fog pass by from where she is? The daughter over the mother's body has a similar problem with it. We aren't getting Melodina, we're getting a generic reaction. We need to learn intimate details in this space... Instead pages are passing by us and we arent diving into character."Here she was only five winters old and she had witnessed the tragedy of a painful death" - Back to the storyteller... it drags us away from being IN a story, we're being told it again. And it also tells us her age straight out... there are other, better ways to show this. Also... we could see that she's only 5 in the scenes prior, if you use the details to emphasize her age. As it is right now, I had no idea she was 5 until you told me."If her mother was dead and her father was gone what was she to do now?"- storytelling again... It's basic details that we already know, they need to come through Melodina, through a 5 year olds despair. That sounds grown up."The last settlement even had an added number of victims in the forms of elven soldiers" - clunky, and it pulls us right out of the story again... This is infodumping... Why not have him speaking to a lesser officer? We could learn it through a more organic source."Robert Lancaster commented" weird without an introduction."Luke didn't know how to approach the situation" SHOW US. You could have him be so awkward in how he approaches this girl, show he is inept at it, but that he wants to care for her... dont just tell us "he said awkwardly." Maybe have him take his helmet off... to lay his spear down... good things. But have him say something that is a bit too rough or harsh... show us."she asked him awkwardly." The bit about not being familiar with human speech is good, those are the details we want.He seemed confused that his girl was asking him his name" A girl? I mean isn't that shift in perspective. He had kind eyes seems to be Melodina's opinion. And then this girl makes it sound not her pov anymore.Moonari- good nameI think she smiles quickly here, the pain should be fresh... Maybe he coaxes a smile out of her, it shouldn't be by her provocation.So this is a lot for just the prologue, but I will read more later. So far though, it is difficult to attach to your characters, I have a hard time ignoring a lot of the telling going on and more often than not am pulled out of the story by diction and description.I will read on, but I would love to see a prologue that takes on an active perspective and really pulls us into the tragedy... as it is now, it feels like a bit of a history lesson and those can be interesting too, but not if we can't connect to them.
As i said before, a lot of work has to happen in this department. I'll read more and maybe it will warrant a better rating than this, but as it stand the characters seem like shadows. They are vaguely hinted at, we don't dive deep when we meet them, and you don't seem to take advantage of the scene or the action to drive home who they are. Characters are not driving this writing yet.
Really had no problem with the pacing... It was a long prologue though. Prologues, i think, are often designed to impart a crucial piece of knowledge and are MOST effective when they are done quickly. There should be some vague uncertainties (which you have) some crucial details we are meant to witness and be a part of... so far though, we arent sure we want to be involved. The pacing of this prologue was fine though.
Details like whether or not her father is dead are sometimes unclear. Phrasing is sometimes awkward, stuff like "the figure" at 18%. The whole business with Vaughn doesn't make any sense...and it's weird that she would need Luke's permission to go but not the king's, and she would be sent off with a crown but no royal official ceremony. Those things may have reasons, but they need explanation.
The way the characters act is often perplexing; their dialogue is an issue, but also the very modern manners in a court with servants and nobility. Etiquette exists for a reason,especially in a very stratified society. The hugging also seems out of place. I'm not sure why Melodina has taken up vigilantism, but it does make her seem more interesting; it would be nice to have more insight into that.
The beginning especially could move faster, mainly because it's the beginning. Cut out some of the explanation and inner-dialogue bits; showing instead of telling will make it move better. Also making motives more clear...the reader stopping to puzzle why people are acting the way they are slows it down.
I need to start by saying that I read the Prologue, Chaperter one, and chapter two. I didn't read more because the story is not ready to be read in my opinion.I am reviewing this book as a high/epic fantasy, and with that in mind, it needs much work. When revisions are done, I would be very pleased to continue, as the idea behind the book is intriguing.On to the review:The first thing I noticed is that it is too wordy. Many high/epic fantasies are said to be such, but there are many elements of speech that do not need to be included. For example, "haggling for the best prices." Would someone haggle for the worst prices? It is already known what haggling is, you do not need to tell the reader twice. Another example in the Prologue is when you say "the occupants of the square stopped to stare curiously." You mentioned the occupants of the square already, you don't need to let the reader know who you are talking about again.There are some cliches that could be reworded to fit into the fantasy realm . An example is "No Man's Land." Since it is capitalized I'm assuming it is an actual place. The words have been used to exhaustion in literature and movies and should be replaced with something more fitting. Another example is "she's in a better place now." A very high percentage of the story is told in the passive voice, making it hard as a reader to stay interested, but I have no specific examples.Another part of wordiness is the use of specific words over and over. The three words that come to mind are; had, quite, and began. An example is when you say "So she cried for her father even though she had known he wouldn't be there." It could have been written, "She cried for her father, even though she knew he wouldn't be there."Be careful when writing things like "uh" in dialogue, it can be more confusing to the reader than it is worth. By saying something like stammered or stuttered, you will have the same effect.Don't explain too much, leave some to the reader's imagination. The prince thinks to himself "She was either rebelling against everything she had been taught just because, or was trying to chase him off." As a reader, we can see this happening by their actions, there is no need to write it.There were seven spelling errors but some of them were just incorrect usage of a word. For example, "wonder" instead of "wander" and "than" instead of "then."Most high/epic fantasies take place in times similar to medieval. Though this is your fantasy to do with as you like, many of the words used would be more fitting in urban or contemporary fantasy. Some examples are: crap, gnarly, snuff, shit. There are other phrases that probably shouldn't be used as well: plain up do, seedier parts of town, hero complex.Also snuff refers to pornography where an individual is killed in real life and put on film, "to snuff out their life." Suggestions:Go through more revisions before posting, pare it down. Remove the prologue completely, there was nothing in it that couldn't be introduced through dialogue.
The character development was good for the parts that I read. I would need to read more to get a better feel for how they develop over time.
The pacing worked well though the prologue could be smoothed out a little. I would like to see more dialogue in chapters one and two. You could show the reader more about the action sequences. The fog in the prologue seemed to be over before it started, and the fight scene in the streets with the vigilante could use more explanation.
Before I launch into this, I just wanted to let you know that I've only read the Prologue and Chapter One. I intend to read the other chapters at a later date and provide critique on those separately as well. Now that I've gotten that bit out of the way--The story was very interesting, and you utilize "page-turners" with a deft hand indeed. What I mean to say is that you manage to leave off parts in chapter one that MAKE me want to continue reading to learn more. Bravo on that, madame. Tension. It is your ally, and a strong ally it is. Make use of it. In the Prologue I think you could have done doubly better if you had actually built up the horror of the approaching fog. As is, I think the fog swept in too fast, and so it fell flat for me. It was over and done with before I even realized what had happened. Basically, I like my death and destruction to have a build-up. I want to be on the edge of my seat.For Melodina being in danger as a child in the Prologue, that's some very good material to play with. Children are a great source to help snag a new reader who isn't yet invested in the fates of the characters, and make them worry. Who doesn't hate seeing small children in peril? I say take advantage, and make the reader truly fear you're about to do your worst to the child.Better yet, I also think you have some excellent grief material to play with where Melodina's mother gets killed. I wasn't particularly touched by the scene, and that's an indicator to me that you could tweak that section to make me feel like crying. I think you could describe the mother's death more from behind Melodina's eyes. Make me want to cry because I can see my own mommy getting killed.In Chapter One, I loved the inclusion that she has a bruise on her face, and that she's an expert on putting make-up on to hide it. I am immediately intrigued. I want to know why now, and this keeps me reading.Later in Chapter One you lose me when they started to talk a little too "modern". I realize this is a fantasy world, but it seems you're going for a medieval feel to it, yes? Using words like "snuff" and "horn-dog" don't at all mesh with that era. Also, pornography didn't even exist in the form of books until the Victorian era. I'll leave this to your discretion as it is your world, though. I just wanted to let you know that it immediately yanked me out of the setting. You end Chapter One well, I think. It makes me want to read Chapter Two, and in the end, I think that's all that really matters.
I really like the interaction between Melodina and Adamar. It's very amusing. However, I think they both like each other too quickly if that makes any sense? It felt a little fake for me. I tend to like some arbitrary conflict between characters before they start to go doe-eyed, so this may just be a personal preference thing on my part.I did very much like the interaction between them though!
I think you have pacing down pretty good. Chapter One does seem to jump around a little much, but you slip in key parts that keep me wanting to read. In fact there were three key parts that made me want to read on: the end of the prologue to find out if Melodina does indeed get adopted by the king, chapter one where it's mentioned she has a bruise on her face and must put make-up on to hide it, and the end of chapter one where a mysterious masked figure makes an appearance.All of these things made me want to continue with the book simply so that I could discover the answers to these points.
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By accepting this Connection Request, you will be allowing this member to read all the fiction you've posted, view your Connections, and the books, people, discussions, and topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
If you'd rather receive more casual updates on this person's activity, choose to Follow this person instead.
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Recommend: [Author]
Done! You have recommended [Author] to [recipient].
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Book Country Badges are awarded for community activity and accomplishments. You can earn badges for positive contributions to the site, such as writing a highly rated book, or contributing many reviews and discussions.
Each badge comes in bronze, silver, and gold. You’ll start with bronze, and then earn silver and gold as your activity grows. There are also versions of each badge at the genre level, master genre level (i.e., SF, Romance, etc.), and for all of Book Country. Our staff is always working hard to ensure fairness and good karma. The more you participate, the more rewards you’ll receive.
Preferred Genres help you track your interests and Connect with similar members. You can select as many genres as you like.
The Top Books and Top People in your Preferred Genres will automatically appear on your home page, updating every two weeks.
Recommendations make it easy to share interesting content with other Book Country members. You can recommend a book, discussion, person, or article to your Connections, and they can make Recommendations to you.
Recommendations appear in your notifications bar.
Connections are your friends and colleagues on Book Country who you have allowed additional access to your work. Accepting a Connection request lets that member read all of the fiction you’ve posted (there is no word limit). Connections can also view who you are Connected to, as well as the books, People, Discussions, and Industry Topics you are Following. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections and make Recommendations to them.
Following is a way to casually keep in touch with a person on Book Country. By Following a person, you will receive updates on their public activities on the site, such as uploading a new book or responding to a discussion. People you Follow can’t see your Connections, make Recommendations to you, or see that you are Following them.
Private books cannot be read by site visitors or community members. Private books do not appear on the Genre Map or in searches. Some writers may choose to temporarily make a book private during revisions or while meeting with agents and publishers.
You can repost a private book to make it visible again. All comments and ratings will be saved.
Writers can Delete their books at any time, for any reason. On rare occasions, the Book Country staff may Delete a book for copyright violations. Deleted books are completely removed from Book Country, along with all comments and reviews. Deleted books cannot be recovered.
Locked Discussions are discussions that can still be read but cannot accept new responses. Discussions can only be locked by a Book Country administrator.
As a community for writers and readers, we want our members to receive thoughtful and constructive feedback on their work. Book Country Peer Reviews are designed to help writers improve in their chosen craft.
You must be a member to rate and review. Members can review a book once per draft. Each review has several sections:
Share your general thoughts on the book. Did the writer categorize the book accurately on the Genre Map? Were you engaged by the material? What really worked and what needs work? Comment on whatever else you like.
When uploading a book, writers can select two areas on which they’d like guidance. Provide more detailed feedback based on these criteria.
Give each section a star rating from 1 to 5. This will help us determine how the book compares to others in the community. Your must rate each section to save your review. But remember, star ratings are not just a scale of bad to good; it’s also a scale from rough draft to polished manuscript.
It’s easy to work on your review over a period of time with our “Save for Later” feature. Please be aware, though, that if you have a review saved and the writer of the book changes his/her feedback criteria, the feedback that you’ve inputted for any old criteria will be automatically removed. Additionally, if the writer uploads a new draft of the book, your review will be lost. So don’t sit on it too long!
When writing your review of a published book, please bear in mind that the author is not longer revising the project. For example, you may want to write your review as if you are giving your opinion to other potential readers.
Heads up! By Connecting with this person, you are allowing this user to view your other Connections, see who you’re Following, and read your complete books. You can also receive Recommendations from your Connections, and make Recommendations to them.
The other user must accept your Request to make the Connection official.
Done! You have sent a recommendation to .
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It's easy! Upload chapters at your own pace or your entire book if it's ready. Make changes any time you like.
Everyone contributes at Book Country. After you provide three peer reviews, you can share your work with the community.
Book Country is a supportive community of fiction writers and readers who offer constructive feedback to help you improve your craft.
Our members include published authors and industry professionals. You never know who might discover your work.
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It is the decision of a Book Country author to employ DRM to limit distribution, sharing, or copying of his or her work.
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