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When Oden joins a squad in the royal army, he learns that the human race is not in control like he always believed. There is a war, a war between the races.
Thank you for your reviews, they help me greatly. I went over it all with a friend, so it should be better. I hope you enjoy the new draft and the new chapter.
The story idea is quite interesting. There are a few grammar mistakes but other than that it is quite good.
The frist chapter give a good idea about what the character is like but I would still like to see more of his personality.
I have found no problem with the pacing so far it is a good job.
I'm intrigued by the story idea. In the prologue, how could Oden comfort his brother yet the screams continue, and then in the next sentence the face was red but silent. There needs to be some transition. Love the line "fur waved like a grass field near the windy sea". Leather pads should be "softened each stride". "trying not to wake the old floor boards" was great imagery. Tense for her fine fingers eclipsED over her eyes. I'm confused at the setting: the beasts are outlined in red from the rising sun yet we see moonlight. Give the pack creatures a name: the beasts marched forward or death marched forward, so we have a connection to them. Great line: "A condemned smile lined his dry, cracked lips. It was made worse and then there is a made in the next line.
Cash's voice is well done. Chapter 1: He had been traveling with HE, I think is a typo as well as roasted and froze to all that was left. Watch your tense: Knows-present or Known? Show me how dangerous the maze is instead of telling me. It seems if Oden got through too easily. The Peiceivan line was confusing. Maybe try Peiceivan, a specialty of the army....,infused the door.
Love Dante's voice. I get an immediate sense of what he's like. The wisps of hair "seemed to" is passive. And the silver mid-chest would have a comma between the two. There was little POV change (which was great), except in Ch3 when it went from Oden to Cash and back in one paragraph. Inventive food-awesome! Loved "deepest hunger not in stomach but in mind". Can's wait to read more.
Greetings!Just so you're aware, I read a section and then leave feedback on each section -- this way, I can keep a record of my thoughts as I read without interrupting my reading of each section. (and so I don't forget.)Prologue ::Overall, I have to admit that I dislike prologues, so my opinion is colored by this. That said, my initial thought as I started to read was bafflement at the point-of-view and tense you have decided to use for the prologue. In the first two paragraphs alone, you go from omnipresent POV to direct third. I can't emphasize enough just how important maintaining point-of-view is, especially in the opening of a story.Another thing that jumped out at me was the inconsistencies in your voice. Finding a voice as a writer is very difficult -- I sure know I haven't established my voice very well yet either. There are also inconsistencies in your details. Other reviewers have mentioned this, but you have the start where screaming continues... however, you do not mention screaming until this point. You do mention crying, but when I think of crying, it doesn't give me the image of what a *scream* is. Take the time to describe the scene and the setting.Another point of note, I think Cash would be able to identify the sound of his own little brother's screams from another's. This jumped out at me when you describe Oden's face as red and silent.You don't have a section for this, but I thought I would take a moment to mention this: Dialogue is really a powerful tool. There is so much potential in the scene with the mother and the father sacrificing themselves for their children. However, you opt for formal dialogue that really takes away from the emotion. For example, always addressing the boy as "My Son" -- it sets a distance between the father and the son, I thought. In cases like this, it felt like it should be more intimate and more details -- more real. They walk -- a calm action -- why it really feels like they should be hurrying trying to protect their loved ones.I really think that this piece will shine if you let your characters become truly emotional, allow them to panic, allow them to be more realistic. I couldn't associate/sympathize with a father and a mother who don't panic -- or at least look a *little* worried -- in a situation like the one you present them with.As a general example: "Under the floorboards," his father urged as he shoved them towards the hiding place. "Hurry. They won't find you there."Intermingle your action with your dialogue, make us see what exactly is going on -- make the protests of the children teary, their cries falling silent as they are locked beneath the floor as their parents perish above them.I think with some tweaking and slowing yourself down, you'll be able to reach that next level.Chapter One ::I like that you take the time to really describe the setting. There are a few grammar flaws inherent in your writing style that you may want to start tackling. There are stray commas where commas don't belong, a few spelling errors / missing word errors that should be dealt with in general. I strongly recommend reading your writing out loud. This will really help pick out some of the errors.Once again, POV is an issue. You have a really interesting plot premise through the first chapter, but it feels hampered by the distance between your writing style and your characters. There are glimpses of where you really get behind your characters, but then you choose to distance the POV again. The closer your writing is to the character, the more power your character will have.Chapter Two, Scene One ::Your Point of View dramatic improves in Chapter two. You start it off right behind Oden, and you maintain that. However, you jump heads to Gue after the discussion with Faolan -- be careful of this as you write. Head hopping should *only* be done when you scene change. You've made leaps and bounds in improvement on Chapter Two in that you're getting behind the characters, but the head hopping is something that I think will need to be watched out for. Head hopping can make it -very- easy to get confused.At the end of Chapter Two, Scene One was where I really dropped out -- there wasn't anything plot-wise to continue to keep my attention. I was hopeful in Chapter One, where you ended with a stranger and a tense moment, but that tension was defused when it proves to be a friend taking them to see Oden's brother. Overall ::There is a lot of promise and potential to this piece. That said, I don't feel comfortable giving you more than two stars for this piece as it stands. There is a lot of room for improvement -- but -- I really believe if you take the time to slow yourself down and really apply yourself to learning a little more about word craft, you will be able to turn this story into a jewel. The promise and potential is there. It just needs to become more immediate to the characters and the environment. In addition to this, I really recommend paying a lot more attention to sentence structure and grammar -- this will also help improve your general quality.
Prologue ::The most important thing that stood out to me during the prologue was that it really feels like you were holding your characters at arm's length. You don't get into them, get right behind them and perch the reader on the character's shoulder to *show* us their world. You tell us what is going on without letting us experience their fear first hand. I'd like to see this taken to the next level. I really got the feeling that you wrote this as quickly as you could just to get it done. Because of this, your characters don't really develop so much as they are herded as quickly as possible through what could be a really intense prologue that would earn its keep in a novel.Chapter One ::You begin to improve in your character development in chapter one, however, as I mentioned in the overall, there is still a distance from the characters that hampered me from getting to know or care about your characters. Honestly, I felt a closer connection to Gue than I did to Oden -- I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing.Chapter Two, Scene One ::I don't have a whole lot to add about this section, Oden and Gue didn't develop very much or do anything outside of what was expected from your setup in Chapter One.Overall ::I am giving this section two stars -- despite the amount of pages available, there does not feel to be a lot of growth to your characters or much in the way of development. There is little to make me want to really get behind them or care for them either. There is potential there, especially in the character of Gue. I think once you get the hang of getting behind the characters directly, this will dramatically improve.
Prologue :: I felt that the prologue's pacing was too fast. It really felt to me that you skipped past the descriptions and the immediacy of the scene in favor of moving through it to get onto the first chapter. There are sections where the prologue has some very vivid sparkles of potential -- moments where it really shows you slowed down as you were writing and paid close attention to the details. However, there were more moments where it felt like you didn't want to spend the time to dig into your character's heads and really *show* us what was going on. This, I feel, makes a really significant impact on the general pacing.Chapter One ::The pacing improves quite a bit in Chapter One. It feels like you're taking your time to try to paint a picture for me as you write rather than rush through the action to get the action done. Your dialogue doesn't feel as stilted, which really helps keep the pace brisk without being -too- brisk. Chapter Two, Scene One ::I felt that the pacing slowed down considerably, enough to cause me to lose my interest. I'm not sure what to suggest at this point to improve the pacing without recommending a general change in how the events turn out -- for the events you present, the pacing is as good as it can be. I just wish that the tension had not been severed soo quickly.Overall ::Your pacing, I feel, was one of the stronger aspects of your general writing. While it felt like you rushed through the prologue, you quickly smoothed out your general pacing. Because of this, I am giving this category 3 stars. You're well on your way to being able to keep a firm awareness of your pacing. If you maintain your sense of pacing as you improve your other writing skills, I think you'll really be able to fine-tune this aspect of your writing.I wish you the best of luck with this story. I hope you take the chance to really dig into this tale, tear it apart, and learn from your current mistakes so you can really, really grow as a writer.
A few grammar errors (such as olds instead of old's or he instead of him). Other than that it's quite good.
The introduction gives a rapid and sudden plunge into the plot, and is quite well written. The first chapter introduces you to the main character pretty good.
Well paced. I don't see any problems with the story's pacing so far.
I'll leave comments as i go and then summarize my feedback at the end."His tanned skin showed his short seven years of life playing and working in the hot days" oddly formed sentence.Its okay to say his words were soothing, but if the screams are continuing, he's not comforting his brother so that is just extraneous detail5%- he can see protruding claws from this distance?grammar- "her fine fingers ECLIPSED over her eyes"9% The father knew of the wane in his power- What does this mean?"the father started however was interrupted by the mother's" - a bit confused about this.My brother, Chad, will come- I'm confused, would the son not know who his brother is? if so you can leave out the Chad and just introduce him later.Interesting transition into a conversation with a giant. I liked it, because it lightened the mood and was funny.36%- such a long run on sentence, took me out of the work.I'm not sure the first italics thought of Oden was necessary. Save his thoughts and those special italics for things that are really important, deep into his character. Not observations similar to what he's been thinking and showing us all along.46% "values painted their sides" such a bizarre way to describe it, not sure values works there."traveling for" is odd too, either heading for or traveling toSo he's the giants master?"That's for certain." Oden drew his dagger as....Id separate these into different paragraphs for emphasis, this is such a big momentAgain the thought seems to work against you ... just say that Oden looked around to see a crow nearby and we can jump ther logically with you that that's the animal talking to him.This story has a lot of potential and I like where its heading. As I read, I felt there were several instance in which you go into telling us things, or the language takes us out of the story as we read. Make sure you double check the language you use and that it reflects what your character is doing. I'd take out the italics completely, as both of them distracted me a great deal. I was having trouble connecting the prologue with this first and second chapter. However, I liked the interaction with the giant and even the raven.
Characters were pretty strong, i think though that you could do a lot more with them. They have great interactions, but for the most part really don't jump off the page at me. It would help to really establish a firmer connection between Oden now and Oden then. As it stands, I don't feel like his history matters and i start to forget the prologue completely.
I had no problem with the pacing, but i did think you could tighten up a lot of things and make the pace also reflect the importance of each word. You had some sentences and some details that didn't particularly flow with the rest of the work and I pointed them out above. I think one of the most natural paces that can be set upby a writer is when they make sure there is as little possible to distract the reader from the setting/characters/plot... I was distracted a number of times,bu t otherwise felt the story flowed well and moved forward.
For a high/epic fantasy, you have a good idea for the storyline. You do need to do a proofread; use semi-colons to combine two full sentences, not fragments. Use commas instead. There's a bit of passive words and -ly words in here. But I do like the concept.
I think they're highly imaginative and have a great background of their fantasy world, whether it's Gue the giant or someone else. Nice and interesting names too.
Great pacing. There was no slowing down or speeding up. It was consistent with a good flow. Nice work!
Right away I noticed a few minor problems, like missing apostrophes, words that should be hyphenated not and improper use of it's/its, etc. And while you have some fantastic descriptions here, I found the tone as a whole to be too stiff for my tastes.Take this with a giant load of salt, but I'm going to give you an example. Your text: "The three of them came to the walls that guarded the fortress. The wooden doors stood taller than Gue. Peicium was a specialty of the army for its strength capacity outnumbered commonly found or mixed metals. This substance was infused in the door. Great spikes protruded."I found this paragraph especially to be very awkward and stiff. An example of how it might read better: "The three of them came to the wooden doors that guarded the fortress. Peicium, an army specialty known for its strength, had been infused with the wood and protruded in great, metallic spikes from the doors."I would read it out loud and make sure it sounds okay. (I have a tendency to ramble so much that I have to do the same thing to make sure that all the words aren't distracting from the point I'm trying to make, so I sympathize. Plus odd-tones are probably the #1 problem I see in fantasy.)Oh, and one more note, in the above paragraph it also seems odd that you pack in so much description, but then don't give the army a name, like the city watch, or the Red Army or whatnot.There's lots of good here, and with some more work it'll very likely hit an audience target as well.
Well there's inly a few chapters, so it's hard to say, but I really liked that you have a giant and "bird" as companions. I also like that the main characters are like the kid brothers to what other authors would see as "the real heroes" (if that's where you were going with that.)
No problems with the pacing, though I like to warn people that there are a number of agents and editors to abhor prologues. Not that means you should ditch yours, just be aware of it.
There are still spelling and grammar errors that distract from the story (even several on the first page, eg comma splices, "where" instead of "were", "were" instead of "where", missing possessive comma).I really liked the relationship between Cash and Oden and the strange, fantastic world you have. I also think that your writing is gorgeously immersive, and with a careful eye towards avoiding awkward and/or obvious sentences, this can be really special. That said, the easy-to-fix errors that remain in the text prevent this from becoming a "ready-to-publish" work, so I'm not giving it four stars.
You use fantastic descriptive words and you evoke the characters' moods and descriptions well. However, I found myself confused by the use of pronouns -- it's not always clear who/what is the subject of each sentence. Dante's dialogue is a little awkward. Mostly just this sentence: "ohh, it has so much importance..." I think you can find a better way to express mocking here; expressed orally, the sentence would probably sound find, but on the page it doesn't work right for me.
I think there is a little too much time spent discussing characters' appearances in Chapter Two. I think you can sneak in those descriptions more elegantly and less distractingly as the characters act in the scene, rather than introducing the characters with lumps of description.
Good read. The prologue piqued my interest as well. The characters were interesting. Way to leave it with a cliff hanger. Only reason I'm giving it four instead of five is because it's so short. On a stand alone basis it would be a five.Fours across the board simply because there isn't enough to go on. I'm looking forward to more.
It's hard to tell much about character development with so few words, but you seemed on the right path.
I liked the pacing, but again, with so few words it's hard to get a grasp on how it will be throughout.
I found the opening paragraphs a little confusing. Did Oden's screaming wake the boy? How can his brother be comforted if he is still screaming. What is lighting the room? Minor matters, but if they distract me at the outset it is hard to accept the action and plot. As we move along the use of distracting verb such as "parading the polished teeth" "her fingers eclipsed over her eyes" are also not quite right. In sum, an interesting and promising introduction is bogged down with purple or showy language.
I read only the prologue so far and the foundations for the main character and his history are being set.
Pace is pretty good. It is swift within the limits mentioned above and carries me along.
I really liked this, and would be interested to read more. Your writing style is very evocative and poetic without being overdone. Not too heavy or slow. I'm interested to find out what the creatures are and Cash's relationship to the moon that is hinted at.
I always find self-sacrifice scenes a little tricky, but the dad had a good reason to stay behind. I can't help but wonder why it had to be both parents. Wouldn't they want to try and leave at least one of them with their children? But otherwise it all felt really solid in terms of character motivations. I loved the small human actions described, like the way Oden reacts to being given a berry. I didn't quite get a sense of Cash's age, but he read like a child, but a clever and brave one, just the right balance. Hard to judge character otherwise, as this is really showing us what will form the characters 12 years later, I'm assuming, so I need to meet the characters as they've become to get an idea of who they will be for the rest of the book. But the good part is, I want to.
Good pacing. Not slow at all, but not too fast either. It was a nice slow tension and suspense rather than fast action, which worked for the scene.
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