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Picayune dreams of far away places - of knights and dragons and princesses and treasure. But that is all they ever are, dreams. He feels the rush and passion, but when they are over, the residual aftermath of the dreams only remind him of how little he really is. After all, he is just a dormouse. He lives a quiet life in his father's shop wishing something would change. One day, a sole survivor from the town's Taiga Riders return with horror in his eyes. Dragon has return. Picayune retreats to the confines of his home, until he hears of his friend Ameera, that set off to find out what happened to her cousin. Torn between staying the way he always has been, and adventuring off to help her, he comes to a decision. And thus, his adventure begins...
(No author's note)
I've got a variety of feelings from this piece.In the beginning, it's as if your desire to describe the setting overshadows the main character's reason for being there, or even his existence entirely. There's much talk of the murky wood, the boggy swamp, and each object that catches his eye at any given moment, but no real characterization to shift focus to the protagonist. He could be anyone, doing anything, until a little more than half way through when he states his business outright. The descriptions are very elongated, if you catch my drift; you use a lot of circumlocution and synonyms (I only noticed it because I tend to do the same). Your adventurer also sort of trips, stumbles, and devil-may-cares his way through the disgusting mire more than, well, an adventurer should, with naught but his family sword and noble steed. Points for the sword and steed, not for the fumble-stumble.Secondly, when it comes to the dragon, again, there's a lot of focus on the moment-by-moment fight. Not a bad thing, but it does stretch several minutes of fighting into a few paragraphs more than it might take. It seems like, going from start to finish, there are a lot more descriptions and movements than anything else; the story is practically made of adjectives and basic verbs. Very little dialogue or explanation of purpose, aside from that very terse bit about being hired by the king to kill the villainous reptile.The one thing to take away: I wan't to know more about HIM and why he's here, without directly saying, "I'm the dragon-slayer, come to slay your dragon."
The bare-bones plot is very easy to follow, indeed. But that's also one of its shortcomings. It's too simple in this brief piece. An adventurer goes to slay the dragon. Alright, good to know, but if he does that in the very first chapter, then that doesn't really leave much room for development, or any opening for further motives if it's all-encompassing and wraps it up here and now.
Straightforward, very descriptive. I get a clear picture of where I am, and it fits together with what the character is doing. Dragon's live in swamps and caves, so it's a good, matching set-up (I wouldn't expect you to go to Marshmallow-Land to kill the Demon King, Akarot, but wouldn't that be something).I get a very Beowulf-like feel from the murky, oozing mire, and from his venturing into the dragon's lair. Good setting, and also good tone. Solid.
Ok, I want to read more.This was a captivating first chapter and I hope to see more. The paragraph where he falls in the mud perfectly off balances his drive for success. It immediately let me know that he does not have the best luck but his determination will not be thwarted.This was a fun, entertaining introductory chapter and leaves me hanging at the end wondering what is going to happen next. And will his giant horse find its way home?
From what I could surmise from one chapter: boy tries to slay dragon and everything seems to go wrong. The plot does not demand a stretch of the imagination, nor should it. Everything in this chapter seems to flow smoothly and purposefully.
Vivid, well written description of the environments around Picayune. Very believable. Nice work.
Your concept here is sweet (based on long description rather than the pages though), albeit slightly familiar with hints of Stuart Little, The Tale of Desperaux, and a few others. It’s all about how you write the story, so you can absolutely make this one stand out. You have some great qualities already to start with but it needs work. You have a lot of great descriptors here to help your reader imagine the story unfolding before his/her eyes. I can’t seem to picture Picayune himself though, so I would be sure to weave that in, especially since he is not human. It doesn’t come across here that that’s the case. There’s a good bit of repetition in the sentence structures here--keep an eye on your phrasing and how often you use them. For example, if you just ended a sentence with an “as he…” then don’t start the next sentence with “As he…” Small things but they can really affect the reader’s experience and slow down the pacing. There’s not a lot of dialogue here yet, but from what I see, it’s not coming across as natural and believable as I know you can make it. It feels a bit forced and stilted to me, like Picayune is saying what he’s expected to say in the cliché way he’s expected to say it. Give him a little more personality and let the dialogue bring that out. I’m guessing that this scene is all a dream anyway, based on your long description, but you still need to hook us with the character. And I’d strongly advice letting the reader see Picayune in reality before ending the chapter. Otherwise, they’ll be left pretty confused.
I’m not quite sure how to approach this plot-wise since you seeming start off strong, but because of your long description, I’m 98% sure this is all a dream Picayune is having. In which case, the reader still knows nothing about the plot and hasn’t really met Picayune in any way.If it’s actually happening and this is the story, however, my feedback would change to the following LOLYou start off strong here plot-wise. He is already on an adventure of some sort, his horse is injured, he’s muddy and tired. Something is clearly amiss, piquing the reader’s interest right off the bat. I also like that you put Picayune in a place of such drama and action in this first chapter--you also use that as an opportunity to let Picayune interact with someone/something, which is important in getting the reader to relate to and care about your main character. The gem and its power is also a fun idea, something I wasn’t expecting. I’d be interested to see where this is going though, as the reader doesn’t know anything about why this dragon needs to be slayed, who Picayune really is, and why he was sent on this journey. Furthermore, I’m unable to guess what the overall story here is going to be, which is okay because this is just a first chapter, but it’d be good to have an inkling of some of the information I just mentioned to give the reader a sense of his goals. I’m unclear on what the “illumination” is that swallows both Picayune and the dragon up. I don’t feel like we know enough about the world and your character yet to be ok with not knowing as little as we do here. You need to work more exposition/back story into this first chapter to get the reader to really invest in what you’re creating here.So, if I’m right and this is a dream, it’s good bear in mind all the things I just mentioned for continuing the story, but as is here, the plot doesn’t yet exist.
You do a good job of painting Picayune’s actions here and showing us the setting through his interactions with it--I can see what he’s doing in my head every step of the way. I would caution you though about using too much action. While you definitely need to follow the old adage of “show don’t tell” there are times here when it’d be ok to step back a little, let us see the bigger picture and learn the scene and the setting through your character’s eyes.
Excellent descriptions overall, and most of the dialogue feels alright. I always like talking dragons.First paragraph has no character for reference, but does have possessive pronouns left dangling. Further pronoun issues with the horse. Additionally, a lot, LOT of weak passive verbs. Some apostrophe issues like creature's vs creatures' (because "they" indicates plural).Where did the shield come from? For a moment while reading, I thought the shield was on his back, then he took it off, glanced at himself and put it back. That is either some really narcissistic behavior, or he got the shield from elsewhere and it is not real clear.When he falls, you wrote that he contacted a vine. That seems like a very awkward word there. Ordinarily, I would not focus on it, but it really halted my reading.Mementomori Mountain?The moon Fin, then later the twin moon Finn? Maybe move the twin to the second moon Fang, something like, "the moon Fin was high in the night sky, and its twin moon Fang was just above the peak."Beloved horse on the second page, but by page five, meh, not worth killing whatever it was that just killed the horse. I guess Picayune can walk home through the stuff that has given him so much trouble that even his horse needed to help him.Hot knife through butter. I sighed here. It is so cliche that it jarred me out of the relative enjoyment of the fight.Light brighter than stars in the dead of night? My understanding of night is that it is pretty dark. 1000 pin pricks of light are not very bright either.
I am a sucker for dragon slaying. I do wish the fight had been a little more active and involved. The scene actually had me getting into it.There is no "why" for any of this. Give a little why, and people will be more receptive to what, who, when, where, and how. Boy climbs mountain, boy attacks dragon, boy is about to get eaten. Dues ex machina, and he just happens to have a special item that will hurt the dragon for him? If this is a dream sequence, then I know that I would be severely let down. This chapter feels like there was a prologue that I was not given at the beginning.
Much of the description of the setting is wonderful. Using action verbs more than passive verbs would greatly help the allure of the descriptive narrative. Mementomori Mountain is an odd name for a place, but you did also establish a dual moon situation.Maybe some information about where he came from and what direction it was in. Like, "He looked to the southwest, wishing he was at home in TownA." That way the mountain feels attached to something else.
Going to leave comments as I go and summarize at the end..clear, starry, and dark... Same with sentences above, oftentimes with someone who can write well, the problem is writing too much, or trying to pull off too much. Make sure everyword is necessary, no fluff!"beloved horse" telling, not showing, seems a weird detail to set the stage for your main character... think about it that way. So far we know he is looking at something, it is scaring him or making him nervous, but hey at least he loves his horse! We need a stronger detail to gravitate around if you want us to start liking your character.Granted, his awesome name might make up for that a little bit.appraise- I did the same thing.. This word implies he is valuing his companion, as if he is going to sell him... I'd go with another word choice here.pristine/pearly white- we do this a lot... using two adjectives that are synonymous almost... just use one, strengthen your writing by not repeating things, even if they are slightly different.denizen- its just one of those words that sets off the thesaurus alarm.. i'm sure you didn't need to use a thesaurus, but I bet if you look at the short stories of 8th graders... the word denizen pops up an infinite number of times. use wisely, if at all.Also, this excess description can't help but get somewhat repetitive... We want to know why your MC is where he is, what he's thinking, what he's afraid of, how he got there! The details get heavyhanded when we have to watch him peel a bandage, ran a hand down his horses back, talk about ointment.. etc. Might help to make it more boom boom.I'd honestly prefer that he have the heirloom in his hands already... Instead of having to describe how he takes it out, how he touches it, why not havit in hand when the scene begins? that way it tells us something important about your character... that he automatically reaches for this thinkg, almost without thinking!Puissant made me think of the Puissant Cape in WoW.. good timesHere's a good example of the repetitive thing: We already know that his clothes are ragged... so you take the time to describe to us that the shield has a reflective surface, even though its night time, even though we're expecting it to be dark out, just to tell us that he is dishevled? We knew that! Either use it to show us something completely necessary about your MC, or don't include it.Almost odd that he falls face first forward.. considering he's traveled this far into the mire that his clothes are already rags.again- well-trained... you're telling us, when really you can show us.. If the horse comes right as his master beckons him, we'll assume that he is well trained.Ohhh.. I use the name finn in my writing too! You need some commas around it I believeand partially obscured in that sentence sounds like the wrong tense."herd of elephants to pass through unscathed"- just pass through might be more smooth.Ok, at the mouth of the cave... he turns to go back, he turns to stay, he steps towards the entrance... that'd be a great time to tell us more about your character... say he MUST go forward, provide us with details about his thoughts... not just a summary of actions, that's too slow for us.Same with one of the next paragraphs... you give us "He continued... he moved..." What is he seeing, and thinking, not just what he is doing... we need more if you want to keep us in this."images of evil shadows" images reminds me of a movie or pictures, like he's seeing an art exhibit.. just tell us evil shadowsopened into a monstrous opening- vary word choice thereInstead of a question, I'd almost like him to say... the part about who he is first... he knows the beast is there... he knows what waits in the e shadow.. Instead of asking "where are you?>" just have him go straight to the good stuff...I am Picayune!"The king has hired me to slay the creature"- this seems like something you could tell us earlier... and it is also very odd that he would tell the dragon this.. almost like... "i know you're wondering why I'm here... the reason is, well the king is kind of sick of you, so he hired me... its a dragon! you dont explain things to dragons!The gem kind of comes out of no where... you have to foreshadow anything thats going to suddenly save him, at least show it to us earlier.Interesting so far... You've a good start and you certainly have a lot of potential here... You have to make sure you capitalize on every word though. These details are important, and they can either tell us more abuot your character and why we should care about him, OR they can just move us along to a place that we're not convinced that we want to go.For instance, Picayune is a cool guy, I like him, but we have NO idea what is compelling him to do what he is doing, in fact we don't even know what he is doing before he enters the cave.. Sometimes this works, not to show us things, to suprise us... but not if all of it comes as a surprise. In fact, when you first show us the MC I'm not convinced he can kill anything... considering he can't even walk in the mire unimpeded. Give us a reason to believe in Picayune, foreshadow theseuse of these items, give us a reason for him to be in this mire, ready to face a dragon... is it because of his family? is it because of the suffering of villagers... Why is he worthy to kill the dragon? We have to believe in Picayune, and so far I dont... but that can change!
Again, there are things we need to know... reasons we need to have... and the character has to have something that compels him forward (that the reader knows about!) When these things improve, the plot could be very strong, especially considering your ability with description
Strongest part of your writing seemed to be the description. Make sure though, that you dont get repetitive, and that you give us his feelings ALONG with the description of the setting. All description and no character movement can be kind of tough at times.
Overall, I think the chapter has potential. It has a classic element (knight-like character dueling a dragon) that is very easy to get settled into and be comfortable with. I'm viewing this as a diamond in the rough, however, and here's why. <br><br>I felt entirely too much time was spent describing how filthy Picayune and his horse were. There's almost so much description that your point gets lost. Everything is described beautifully, but at the same time that beauty occasionally overshadows what you're trying to convey. Simply put, I think there are parts in the chapter that are a bit too wordy.<br><br>You also spend quite a while just describing Picayune's journey to the dragon's lair, and I can only assume that the reason behind this was to try and build tension. Somehow that tension just doesn't come across, and I think if you could find a way to work in the feeling of tension, the entire chapter would be doubly enhanced. While I understand Picayune is having a rough plight, I think much of the trouble comes from the fact that as a reader I'm not yet invested in him. I find it hard to care that he got a mouthful of yucky muck, or that something just supposedly killed his horse.<br><br>"They spun in place then bursting into a blinding light. The rays erupted into light so strong one thousand stars in the dead of night could not compare."-- This line totally threw me off. I had to stop, regather myself, and read it all over again. I assume you meant "burst", so that's an easy fix for the first sentence. The second however just feels tired, if not slightly silly for a comparison. This is, of course, a personal opinion. It just stood out enough that I felt I should at least point it out, and then leave it for your consideration on what to do.<br><br>"The earth shook as the dragon roared in pain, rearing back some."-- I'd rephrase the last half. "Rearing back some" does not for a good sentence make. I almost feel cheated. The dragon is in pain. Surely he can do something slightly more impressive than just "rearing back some".So yes. I see this chapter being an amazing read, but only after some of the excess grit and fat gets trimmed to leave behind the tasty bits. It isn't that the chapter is too long, mind. I think it all comes down to wording. The overabundance of description and wordiness were the main things that kept this from being a smooth read for me.
I realize that there is probably more beyond what Picayune is doing in this chapter from the novel summary that's included, however I'm going to critique and rate based off what I had to purely read in the chapter's content.<br><br>Picayune is a knight journeying up a mountain to put down a troublesome dragon. That's pretty much the entire chapter put into a very simplified summary. There really isn't anything fresh about that plot, and no new spins on the concept were provided. Classic, but something I've read a million times before.<br><br>Like I said though, I realize there's actually supposed to be more to the story beyond what's currently presented, so just take this for what it is. Me providing feedback strictly on the chapter itself, and not outside knowledge of there being more to the story.
I didn't have a difficult time following the setting. It didn't feel especially vivid to me, if anything. I saw a few colorful names for stuff (like the Pit of Blazes) which helped spice it up a bit, but nothing really popped out at me.
Greetings, As always, I am going to just mention things as I notice them while reading or that catch my attention enough that it warrants me stopping a little.<br><br>The first thing I noticed was a few contradictions in the first paragraph. You have quite a few descriptive terms.. the sky was clear, starry and dark, followed by dimly-lit -- if it is so dark, how is it lit or glowing... I'd cut out dark and keep clear and starry. That will let the lit and glowing stand without drawing attention (how can something be dark and lit at the same time..)<br><br>Picky, but it made me stop reading long enough to wonder about it.You also do a bit of telling in the first paragraph, something I think breaks the mood.. don't tell us the distant calls of unknown creatures unnerved them... show it to us.The reference to the horse being 20 hands bothered me as a horse-lover. The largest horse on earth is currently 20.1 hands tall. Considering the owners of the horse have to use a tree, ladder or other very large object to mount this horse, this is unrealistic. I would really consider limiting the size of your stud to 18 hands... 16 hands would be even better, seeing as this is still a large horse, but usually swifter and easier to feed. this is still huge, but the extra 8-16 inches make the difference between mounting versus not. After you get through the first bit into the swamp, I think you really reach the exciting part of this chapter. I'm not sure how much of the first chapter is needed up until the point that Picayune is standing with the dragon. You could fill everything in up until that point later and dive right in through to your hook.Overall, I am giving this story 3-stars, while there are things that need improved, the story is engaging (after you get out of the swamp) and it managed to catch my attention.I would be careful about how long you linger over describing the swamp, since the real story takes place with the dragon.
The plot, so far, is very average. It is your standard noble with his standard horse going after the standard fiery dragon. The noble has the named sword, and he presents himself in the arrogance only a noble would possess. I would try to find a way to make this introduction more unique, as there are many stories, tales and legends that deal with just that. The gem is an interesting touch, but it also takes away Picayune's spotlight and doesn't distinguish him as someone who is capable. Overall, I am giving the plot 2 stars. It really needs something to spice it up and separate it from similar books in the genre.
You take the time to describe your world and seem to know it well. There are places where the writing gets... pardon the pun... bogged down with how much is described. There is only so much you can repeat about a swamp before it becomes a little much. I would consider starting with him face planting in the muck and show us the swamp in one fell swoop if you want to keep your beginning with him and the horse in the swamp.Beyond that, I did not have any problems getting a good mental image of what was going on.I hope this helps a bit!P.S.: there were a lot of -ly words, enough that I noticed them.Overall, I am giving this 3-stars for setting. You do a good job of describing your world and providing strong mental images.
You are developing a very rich world, which is incredible, but I think you are starting out with too much backstory and you risk losing the reader before he even finds out what's going to happen. You can work in all of these details as you go, but I'd do it slowly, bit by bit.Some of the backstory is even kinda obvious -- like when he tells the reader (through his sword -- who REALLY talks to his sword?) that "it's seen more death than a legion of warriors." (Now, if the sword answered back, then we'd know something was really different here!)I might consider starting your story around 50 or 60% or so (I don't have a way to identify pages!) It's right about where he enters the cave and we know he's going to meet something scary.I also think you might want to watch your adjectives (and adverbs) -- they're good and descriptive for the most part, but I think you potentially border on too many of them. You might go through and cut half of them, then see whether it reads more cleanly. (echoed, vs. echoed loudly, for example)But (IMHO) the main issue is to start where the action starts. You have an entire book (yes?) to build your world -- use it. Just give bare sketchy bones and hook us -- is he gonna get eaten by a dragon in some sort of mystical acid-filled cave? Does he have some super weird sparkly-gem-light power to get away? Will it kill him too? Whoa!Oh yeah -- careful of cliches: hot knife through butter: no-no.
It looks like you are brewing a cool one, but I've only got a bit to go on -- the end. Cool blazy acid cave. Sharp rocks and toothy dragon. Brave knight.But he kills this one (right?) so I'm not sure what else... (or DOES he kill himself, too?) It looks interesting...
nice. A little wordy, but it's so obvious that you have really built and envisioned your world. I can SEE that awful cave. Whether you use all these words or not in your final draft, you know how great it will be that YOU know every little detail.
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