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Days before Germany surrendered to the Russian army, an SS-Brigadefuhrer led ten men into the lobby of the Deutsche Reichbank in Berlin and confronted the bank manager. The manager could not comprehend the Bridgadefuhrer's irregular request when he stated that his men were at the bank to remove the hundreds of gold bars stacked in the vault. With a cocked pistol pressing aginst his forehead, the manager saw no need to to require the Brigadefuhrer to produce a signed order from a higher authority. Three hours later, nearly $66 million in gold bullion was lifted from the vaults. The identities of the enlisted men were nver ascertained. Because of his collar and sleeve insignia, only the Bridgadefuhrer's rank was certain. And because the gold bars bore the stamped eagle and swastika of Nazi Germany, the heist--so far-fetched that it became an urban legend--is referred to as Eagle's Gold. Where the gold was stashed has never been determined. Until now ....
Eagle's Gold began life as a screenplay. It was optioned once and showed some promise to be filmed. But, no such luck. After resting quietly in a desk drawer for some time, I decided to convert it into a novel. It took almost four years to write it. I went through three agents and dozens of rejections--most saying positive things about the writing, characters, etc., but adding, "we just don't have room for it on our list."
Starting a novel with speech as in "Can you hear me?" is jarring to the reader. We have no clue who Rayne Foster is, what she's doing, who she's saying it to and what the heck is going on. And then we find out it is a "felonious ascent", isn't that a little confusing to someone trying to follow the action? Anorak insulating? What is she doing, scaling Mount Rushmore in the middle of Biscayne Bay? Too much gear and gadgets in the first couple of paragraphs. You're throwing too much at the reader. Build the scene up a little slower, slowly introducing us to these complicated gadgets. Starlight 2.8 magni-what??? Hello? We're only talking about the first 50-60 words and we're already losing it. Too many adjectives: night-creeper, reptilian, adrenaline pump-pumping, creepy-crawly, etc. etc. Is she a girl or an amphibian? By the time I get to page 2, I'm totally lost. You need to build up the story and rely less on adjectives. This is not a screenplay. We still don't know why she's climbing up a tree instead of ordering a daiquiri in some South Beach restaurant. Make us care about Rayne and root for her. Tell us what her mission/objective is and then dive into the story.
Rayne is described robotically, by her slithering, reptilian movements and by her gadgets and gear. She's not a woman with complicated emotions and fears. We don't know what she does for a living, or what drug drove her to climb a tree. We are given meaningless back story about Baghdad without being able to relate it to the present situation in any meaningful way. Is she human or bionic? Is she a sniper? A good guy or a bad guy?
Ok, we've got a good action, suspense plot but without any meaningful way to tie it all together. You seem to have started the story too late. I think you need to back up to before she climbed in the tree. Who is she, what is her normal life like, and what compelling reason does she have to climb up a tree and peer into a man's bathroom? Back up and start with the inciting incident. What is the inciting incident? When does she find out she has to go out on surveillance? Who orders her on this mission? What is the compelling reason for the mission? You've started the novel like a Mission Impossible movie, which squeezes in all the action in 2 hours. You have 300 pages to lay out a good story. Don't just dive in in the middle, go back and start where the story actually starts. Why whould we care about Rayne and her voyeuristic habits? Make us care and tell us what her goal/mission is. Unfortunately, the reader is as much in the dark as the seagulls circling overhead.
No shortage of writing talent here or of the ability to construct an engaging scene. Choice of point of view seems sketchy, and doesn't serve to direct the reader or to advance the plot pace.
Too much development for characters who are about to get knocked off. A novel is not only what is said; it's also what is left unsaid. I was lost with a couple of the characters who were later introduced and whom I believe may prove to be central to the plot.
Very complicated, but that doesn't put me off. Still wondering how you can accomplish a very intricate plot, when you are wrapped around so many detailed characters. If the plot is fully realized, it will take biblical length to execute it.
This is a terrific concept. Solid writing with an interesting storyline. I think you may want to consider using chapter two as the starter for the book. This chapter has a very strong hook.
I liked the dialogue with the Rayne and Christian characters.
I'm really intrigued by this story. The only issue I might raise is the fact that only the general and Hitler knew about the gold. Surely someone like Himmler or Goebbels would have had knowledge. It might be powerful to interject that fear or possibility in the character's mind as part of the dialogue.
I read about 2-3 books of this kind a week - thrillers and mysteries.This one has it all - great characters, intricate plot, and many, many surprises. A friend referred this book to me because he knew I would love it and I did! What a delight to find a new author that delivers!! It is so well researched and so well written. The author has a real gift. I felt like I was watching a movie unfold before my eyes. I virtually had to force myself to put it down. I've told other like reader friends about it and so far, everyone has thanked me for the recommendation. KUDOOS to Mr. Lupiano. I look forward to a follow-up, asap!!!
This story opens with the heroine, Rayne Foster, a photographer with a straightforward photo assignment, precariously perched in a tree late at night outside the estate of a Mafia Don. She is taking pictures of this seriously dangerous man believed to own a map to sixty six million dollars worth of gold bullion stolen and then buried in Germany at the end of WWII. The author describes, with unnerving detail, Rayne’s terror as she snaps photos of the Don, his girlfriend, and his scary household staff. Then, just as her backup goes silent on her radio, an unexpected intruder comes across her lens raising her fear to an almost unbearable level. Despite her urge to run, she remains focused, in control and determined to finish what she came to do. How she reacts to her fear and what follows is why I stayed up reading this book until three in the morning. What a fabulous introduction to a character who right to the end never disappoints! The counterpoint to Rayne is Christian Largo. He’s a man trying to be a good father to his daughter who recently lost her mother. He is also desperately trying to keep his business from going under. While his motivations are good, his actions are otherwise. As the plot develops, we see him wrestle with these contradictions. Rayne and Christian are both complicated characters. Their pasts keep people and relationships at arms length. After a rocky start, an easy flow of conversation begins between them adding substance to their characters and a deeper understanding of who they are. I found all the characters to be earnestly lifelike, well fleshed out and central to the plot. The flashbacks to the end of WWII with the description of the Nazi officers who stole the gold from the bank and the American Soldiers turned Goodfellows who encounter them on their way to disposing it, are written with such ease and intuitive insight that you feel as though you are standing in the forest with them, listening, as the plot plays itself out. It’s the same with the Cubans whose pre-Castro freedom fighting mentality hurls you through the ending. For me, a good author takes me in the plot with the characters. I become the silent character who is along for the ride. This author did just that! Thanks.
The plot in a word? Compelling. The author weaves the characters, historical facts, characters, and the major elements established throughout to such a degree that I found myself unable to put the book down. I couldn’t turn the pages faster enough, and it was useless to try and second guess where things were going. It was an very exciting read and I was sorry to have it end as I had gotten attached to the characters and the story and wanted more. A sequel? I hope so. I think this book would make an exciting, entertaining movie. Also, I am very grateful that there is such a site as Book Country. While I am not a writer, I am a reader. It’s great to have a site where authors have a chance to be “discovered” by someone like me. Sort of like “American Idol!”.
I think this has the makings of a good story, especially with the idea of a female operative. But I think the reader is assaulted with too much input early on. I would suggest breaking the story down into shorter chapters, each one focusing on one character doing one thing. Also, I don't think the first-person present tense works well here. That POV is fine for screenplays and poetry, but in a thriller it dulls the impact of the story. Simple past is more effective. But that's just my opinion. Also, I think some of the imagery could be more creative. Having a "cheesy orgasm" might sound all right coming from someone as a direct quote, but not as authorial narration.
There's not much until Chapter 4. Character development does not have to be lengthy. In most cases, a simple gesture, thought, or expressed opinion can work very well. In her present fictional form, Rayne simply doesn't catch my interest. Maybe she needs more character contradictions. That's always good for making an impression with the reader.
Unfortunately, stories about lost Nazi gold have suffered from overexposure, especially after Len Deighton and Ian Fleming had a go at it. But gold and diamonds are always fascinating subjects. Perhaps this story could be converted into a more contemporary missing-gold story. For example, there were rumors, denied by all parties, than millions of dollars in gold were stolen from a New Orleans bank during Katrina.
Since you've uploaded lots of chapters, which is way too much to read in one day, I'm only doing the first chapter to get a feel for it and base my review on it. You don't need to title every chapter either. You do have to watch out for spacing and some other minor errors. I can relate with those kind of agent rejections too: I've been querying for almost a year. Don't give up. Keep trying. You do have a good promising novel here with a female spy. You don't see them too often.
As far as I read, I think Cody and Rayne's relationship is interesting and daring. I think you could develop it more on her backstory and her description, when you introduce her. (If it's in other chapters, I'm sorry I passed on it.) The same for Cody, Vikki, and others.
Good promising potential. You have a good hook for your tagline with some historical aspect.
This story has a long way to go. Iwas interested enough to keep going and read all of it. As a general rule, i think that using standard and good English and grammar are an important element. You invert sentence structure for effect and this makes for an awkward read. I think your guilty of something we all do, mixing tenses. In dialogue, I like using nonstandard language because that's how we all speak. The frequent use of reverse order when identifying a speaker; such as: She says, " blah, blah" is really noticeable. Use it sparingly if at all. I like it and would keep reading.By the way there hasn't been a Princeton Law school since the mid nineteenth century. Real places should be real.
Rayne is a well fleshed out character. Your do a llot of show not tell to describe her. That's very good. Leland seems a bit cliched but I think I get him. Christian I don't understand very well with a daughter and his being a breakin artist witlhout knowing why.
It seems you're heading to NAZI gold as the object of the novel and who's going to get it. So far I think the son of NAZI officer is after it and Leland is using Rayne for the same reason. Who killed Chesario? Makes for good suspense and things could go in several directions from here. good work
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