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As the world falls into shambles, a group of demons, led by a very domineering angel intend on rectifying the mess. Searching tirelessly for the roots of Armageddon, and finding many more mysteries along the way, this strange group of comrades will be tested in ways that they can't even begin to understand.
These chapters are first drafts for the most part. The only substantial editing I've done so far is to tidy up the grammar. Other than that, they are rough. There will be changes made. I am just curious to see what people think of the idea so far. Constructive feedback is very welcome, and suggestions for improvement will be taken into consideration as I work on the heavy edits.
A strong concept with a believable protagonist. The post-apocalyptic setting with a supernatural twist isn't one that get's a lot of attention so it seems like a strong world to build these characters in.
Convincing dialogue that's well paced. The narrowed POV helps to fill in the reader at the desired pace while not giving too much away and does a great job of relaying how ambivalent Cade is to the whole situation.
Dropping in to the middle of the scene allows bits and pieces of the back story to be revealed sporadically. The action seems as though it's about to kick in fairly quickly but with the way the background and setting is sprinkled in, it works.
I love the premise of the story. You do well in providing clear personality traits for Marcus and Genevieve. However, Cade's personality seems to be far more ambiguous. I didn't get a real feel for his demeanor. But perhaps this is on purpose. I am looking forward to reading more.
Since its in third person, I think it could use a little tweaking in order to flow more naturally. It should read as if I were listening to a storyteller in person.
It didn't feel rushed at all. The first two chapters do well in establishing the overall plot and introducing (a few of?) the primary characters. You hint at just enough of the history to allow the reader to anticipate events that have yet to occur.
I like the concept and the direction the story is taking at the end. However, I'm not sure I would get there through the beginning. I suggest you start the story in the bar. There is action and tension and you can sprinkle in background as the story progresses. Also, even though Genevieve's information is needed, it is slow in parts. You might have Cade or Marcus try to escape. They might fail, or vene succeed briefly but it would add some tension.
Cade's voice is good, and he does come across as a sympathtic characters, though we don't really understand the reason for his damnation. At some point you might need to just make clear the reasons for it (if its acceptance of a specific religious teaching that's fine, just probably should be stated.)
The pacing is too slow. Too much exposition. Adding the information while other things happen would help.
The first line just doesn't hook me. It was raining, okay, but if I was just given this first line I wouldn't be moved to read more. Maybe cut the first paragraph and lead off with something like "When he died, Cade had already been experiencing Hell." I want to know more about this world. I'm interested in seeing where it goes and how everything develops.
There's passive voice throughout this, which separates the reader from the story. I want to be in the middle of the action rather than being a viewer of it happening from afar.
I feel weighed down with a lot of telling. The pace could be picked up with more showing. It's important to set up the universe, but let it unfold more organically rather than giving an information dump.
The prolog distracted. Candidate for deleting. I like following chapter with its startling premise, Earth a battle ground for embodiments of Good and Evil, and particularly being seen through the eyes of not only a demon, but a demon tormented by decency! This reversal of the good person tormented by evil thoughts seems very promising.
Cade's voice is strong. I'd not mind if it were sharper, more aware that as a demon he is boithered by decent thoughts. And what is his goal - to be a better, that is, more evil demon, or to renounce his demonhood and join the angels?
Prolog goes nowhere. Gets going after that. But even the first chapter could be brighter.
Greetings,I think that this story has a lot of potential. However, the prologue, while it sets up just why there are demons and angels on earth, is nothing that cannot be showed in chapter 1. You give a long history lesson, but it didn't do a whole lot for me all in all. The first chapter was significantly better, but I did not get the sense at all that Cade was worthy of being a demon. I suspect this is part of the point, but he *is* a demon, and I wanted to see at least of that demon nature seep through, even if he is trying to change his ways.Overall, I am giving this story two-stars. The quality of writing is easy to read, but the story in the first chapter did not hook me and the prologue, while well-written for what it is, did not do anything to move the story forward. I got an idea of what Cade wanted, but I could not really find the plot anywhere in sight. You had a demon in a bar who had a drink and paid for it. In the pain department, that is. I'm a little curious about who brought him out of the bar, but I don't know if this would sustain me through reading more.
The general voice is fine. You have a pretty solid style. However, there is a great deal of telling in this book. I want to *see* what is happening, I want to *feel* what is happening to Cade, I want to be sitting there and experiencing it with him.I would target your sentences with was, had, have, be, and see if there is a better way to phrase them. This might add more immediacy to the scene.That said, I did not have any notable issues with grammar or spelling and your writing style did not knock me out of the writing. For these reasons, I am giving you three-stars. You have a lot of promise with the voice, but I feel that you need to sit down and tighten your usage of words and make every one count.
The pacing was what I felt was the weakest part of this story. In the prologue, you tell us about big events of the world that anyone with internet, tv, radio or goes to work and talks to anyone. These are the events that everyone knows about. The commentary about the reactions was a little interesting, but I found myself wanting to flip ahead to get past it.Honestly, I would cut the prologue altogether.As for Cade's scene, there was not a lot of action. The general pace of the writing was slow as he meandered through his decisions, thoughts and motivations. His desire for liquor was interesting, and I was rather amused at how badly he paid for it, but there was no tension to grab me, hook me in and make me hang on each word. I think if you correct the issues with passive writing styles, the pacing may come along as a result.I really hope that this helps you a bit. Please let me know if you have any questions, I'm happy to answer any you may have.
I would love to read some more, but you have a really good start. Maybe add another chapter or two?
Strong voice. I would like to see more chapters to discern character voice.
It doesn't move too fast or stumble over information. I would like to see more!
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