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When Julie discovers a metal box buried in her garden, she finds out the truth on her missing long-lost twin sister, Catherine, who was abducted at age five. With their psychic connection, she believes she's alive, and a connection to missing children in the past. Once Julie discovers Cathy's alive, they're reunited, but have a long road ahead of them. Thanks to everyone who critiqued the new draft, months ago. Sorry, I didn't turn it into a novella. But I did add description and a better ending. Enjoy!
This is a brand new short story I wrote and edited a new version this spring/summer. Let me know what you think. It's a general mystery and a quick read. Enjoy!
I really found the book interesting and at the same time, it was touching and I think that the theme that could be appropriate for it is "secrets". As for me, i really enjoyed it and hope that you could do more of this genre.
The plot was really interesting as they are united after being separated for a long time.
The setting of the story was really appropriate place for the kidnapping to take place.
I actually only get interested when she calls Tina. I would cut all the exposition and narration from her point of view and try and keep it all dialogue and action. If you stay out of her head and don't keep telling me stuff, the story is actually quite intriguing. But the way everything is handed to the reader on a platter when the sisters are re-united rather kills any mystery.
The long lost twin sister who was killed is an intriguing device and certainly gives your detective a stake in solving the crime.
Not very evocatively or particularly defined. I don't get a particular sense of the vacation spot, the different houses, different towns.
This is a gripping idea for a short story. It was an interesting choice to tell the story from the POV of the person left behind in this drama, Julie, rather than the character who was kidnapped. The story would benefit from a general proofreading, particularly focussing on punctuation to help the sense and flow of your writing. Also, and I find this very challenging myself, it would be better to show feelings and emotions rather than tell them. For example, "the suspense was killing her"; is there a fresher, more evocative way you could write this? Finally, I'd advise editing out unnecessary detail, for example, do we need to know that Julie's wearing tinted shades? Unless, of course, this changes the way she sees the garden(?). Is all the dialogue necessary to the plot and does it ring true to your ear?Have you tried writing this story in the first person? Just a thought.This may sound critical, but I think a good idea is worth re-working.
I read on because I wanted to find out what had happened to Cathy. The plot is believable because such situations have happened. However, I wondered why the neighbours hadn't reported the strange events if young girls were appearing and disappearing from the house. Also, I'm not sure Julie would quiz Cathy on her treatment in such depth. I would imagine Julie being simply overwhelmed with joy to see Cathy alive.
The setting, the garden, was well-drawn and I could see the flowers and feel the heat. The flowers felt like an embodiment of hope and new life. I liked the point where Julie plants the seeds for Cathy's favourite flower.
This is a work in progress. There are several syntax errors (grammar). The beginning is slow to me, too much in the head of the character I don't know. Also, descriptions are vague... the use of "somebody" , "something" and "typical". I need to be there in the moment to be interested in reading more."neighbors welcoming her... with open armed, odd looks" is confusing. I'd pick a reaction and stick to it.I like stories like this, I want to like this story, but the beginning needs work.
The story starts to get interesting 22% into it. There is a lot of set up early on and it drags the story down. These internal thoughts and quiet moments can be a break later in the story, but discovering the box should come sooner... more focus on its contents and the nature of who or what* is that voice in her head?The middle of the story is better in that it introduces the realtor to provide more interaction, but I did not get through the story.This is a work in progress with potential, but needs a lot of work first. The story improves as it goes on, but the tendency to be imprecise needs work - ie. "we've called the lifegaurds and the police and such." There is no need for "and such." Be definite about what happened or be very intentional about vagueness in a specific character because that is their character trait. The fact that this exists in the prose as well (more so in the beginning than later) makes it difficult to distinguish between imprecision of the author and intentional vague descriptions by characters in the story.
So much is spent on Julie's internal reactions to things that the setting is lost to me. It's a house and the box was found in a yard, but beyond that I don't have a clear picture of the setting or time in the first (which is often the most important) scene because its sets the time, tone and mood for much of what follows (especially in short stories).
• When Julie Tate stepped out of her garage, something propelled her to her gardens.Here’s your first problem. The reader will be asking, “What propelled her?” But instead of responding you go on, leaving them saying, “But… wait.” In speech this would work. On the page it’s a statement of fact, and raises questions you don’t want raised.• At her flower beds, she sighed.Again, in speech this works because we assume you’ll explain. But on the page people don’t want a storyteller, or someone to explain. They want her, living her life, in real-time. Cause, then effect. So now we have two unanswered question. And though I really hate to give you the news, an editor would be reaching for the rejection slip here because it’s obvious that what you’re providing is you speaking the story, not her living it.But look what happens when we put it in her POV:Julie stepped out of the garage, headed for the mailbox, but the bright spring sunlight and the rich scent of fresh dirt, mixed with the perfume of the new blooms, pulled her into the garden as it so often did.Is it your story? No, and I didn’t intend it to do. It’s just an example. Look at the differences:It’s not a listing of facts, it’s Julie, observing and deciding, based on the conditions in the moment she calls, “now.”I used more then sight. I made scent work, and be part of her decision to go to the garden.See how much more immediate you can make it when the reader is aware of what she’s paying attention to rather then just what she does? And look at what was learned incidentally, without my having to lecture the reader as myself.It’s spring, she’s the kind of person who does impulsive things, she likes gardening, and it’s a nice day. And, we know a little about what kind of a person she is. So, I’ve told the reader where we are, who we are, and what’s going on, making them feel welcome. And in only three more words than you used. But of the utmost importance I, as myself said nothing, because it’s her story and I’m not in it. • She preferred it than dewy mowed grass. Julie wore tinted shades to protect her eyes from the blinding rays from the sun.Why do I care? Does it matter to the story? No. Does it change the setting? No. Does it show character? Again no. So it doesn’t move the plot set the scene or develop character. That means it’s fluff, and slowing the read. Chop it and anything like it, or give it a reason t be there, from her POV.- - - - - - - Okay, here’s the bad news, and the reason for the rejection. What you’re providing is a transcript of you telling the story aloud. So, when you read it, it works, because you hear your own voice, alive with emotion. A verbal telling has two parts. First is the factual, the lyrics to your performance—the words. Look at your story and you’ll see that it’s a series of declarative sentences, your lyrics.Next comes the melody, the emotional part. It’s tone, delivery, modulation, and facial expression, with slashing hand gestures to conduct.When we read the lyrics to a song we know the melody plays in our head, unbidden, as yours does when you read this. But when we read someone else’s song? I hand you a paper on which is written “Sam you are a bastard.” It’s my opening lyric. Does the melody play for you? Do you know if it’s high praise, deadly insult, or a DNA report? You would were I to read it, even were you blindfolded. But on paper you not only have to guess, you have to guess BEFORE you know what the line will say. Obviously there must be another way. And there is. I used it above. It’s making the reader know the world through what she’s paying attention to.You, like me, like everyone, are using the techniques of verbal storytelling, coupled with the skill of writing, learned in English classes. We all do it when we begin because it’s what we’ve been trained to do. But can it work? We learned math. Are we Mathematicians? We sat though science Are we Scientists?And we were taught the skills of writing, not the skills of a Writer.See the problem? You have the story. You have the desire and perseverance. You may have talent by the bucket-load. But you’re not ready to submit yet because you need the specialized knowledge of the working fiction writer to let you include the sheet music—lyrics, melody, and directions for tempo.So, a homework assignment. Two articles:http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phphttp://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.htmlThe first is on creating a scene and making the reader feel part of it. The second is on scene construction. Both are great. And if they make sense, go to Amazon and read the reviews for Dwight Swain’s Techniques of the Selling Writer. That book inspired the articles, and it’s the one book every writer should have. It’s an older book so it’s written with the biases of the mid century, when most writers were men, but that aside, it will change your writing dramatically.Hope this helps. Hang in there and keep on writing.Jay GreensteinMy Blog: http://www.jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/about
slow because the reader is privy to what she does but not her internal landscape.
Too much telling for my tastes. If the problems noted under overall are fixed, and that's going to take time and prctice, the problems here and in plot will vanish.
I enjoyed the concept, however the Writing didn't flow in some areas.
The plot was good. I think the problem comes in because it's a short story and could not be developed as much.
The beginning setting was good. The rest could be worked on some.
There's too much telling rather than showing. What does it mean to "absorb Mother Nature?. Don't tell me this, show me. Is it in her soil? Her air? The tempature?Although the main cahracter has internal dialogue, it doesn't have to read like a laundry list. For example, instead of "Somewhere deep down her soul, she experienced a heavy amount of emptiness.", you could relate the actual FEELING of emptiness. Example: Lonliness gnawed, the emptiness sucking at her sould like a black hole. (This isn't my normal style of writing, but perhaps you get my point?) Don't tell me the dog was excited, SHOW ME. Was her tail wagging? Her eyes shining? Was she running back and forth?Hydroponic is misspelled, and the internal narration can be condensed. In fact, it's more like an information dump, which is a big no-no (it's boring).
To be honest, it's hard to focus on plot because so much of the story reads like a suspect dossier...or a play-by-play of normal activities. Yes, this is how "real life" is, but fiction is the CONDENSATION of real life...enough to give us a taste of authorial authority and realness.
I don't get a sense of place here. There's a lot of visual clues and wording, but what is the temperature? How does the dirt feel between her hands? What do the fresh flower cuttings smell like? Don't tell me it was blazing hot, show me the EFFECTS of heat...sweating (and her wiping her brow), the itchiness of her damp clothing, etc. And what kind of heat? Dry or humid? Are we in the South? Or the Northeast? I need to feel grounded...to know where I am at, who the main character is and, above all, why I should care about her.
The plot of this story is quite intriguing, but the execution doesn't do the story justice. I think with a good deal of work, this could be a very good read.This story needs proofreading, badly. There are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors bad enough to obstruct understanding of what you're trying to say, for example, "She collapsed, after she viewed the newspaper clippings that stemmed from a few years ago to a few decades ago." I figured out what you meant, but it took me a second and that took me out of the storyYou spend a great deal of time focusing on details that aren't germane to the story, such as what Julie has in her garden or how long she was looking for a place to live. While some details are necessary to flesh out the characters and settings, what the reader is interested in is where Cathy is and what happened to her. Spend too much time away from that and you start to lose the reader's interest.The dialogue doesn't sound natural. For example, Tina describes the Hursts with details such as their height to the inch and their weights. These aren't details that a realtor would remember with such precision. They would use words like "tall" or "skinny." Most people don't use terms like AKA in everyday speech. And the use of "Yikes!" and "Omigod!" as reactions to hearing about some of the horrible crimes you've described sounds facetious and insensitive, which I know is not how Julie is supposed to sound.Some of the reactions to events that people have in this story don't make sense. If Tina's boss filed false paperwork at gunpoint, fine, but why didn't he rat the Hursts out after he was safely away from them? Especially when he realized they were kidnappers? And how is it that the Hurst man, a repeated sex offender capable of killing children, never did more to Cathy than slap her around? It doesn't make any sense, especially when you go out of your way to say that Cathy looked just like every other girl the Hursts abducted. You *have* to give us reasons for this sort of behavior.
The overall plot is quite intriguing. A psychic link that is somehow severed, but then isn't quite. What remains is enough to guide one twin through life and to eventually help her to find the other. It's especially interesting that the link persists even though the Cathy doesn't seem to have a conscious memory of Julie. I think I would agree with another post that this story needs to be longer, at least a novella. There are so many questions that are left unanswered. Cathy was guided by Julie, was Julie ever guided by Cathy? What was the link like before Cathy's abduction? What happens when Cathy is reunited with her parents? What was life like with the Hursts?The story focuses on the abduction and the reunion, but I feel like those are the least interesting aspects of this story. I want to hear more about the details surrounding those events and *especially* the aftermaths. As it stands, too much is resolved in too little time. It lessens the emotional impact.There's a great story in here, you just have to tell it!
The setting is quite interesting. The house is one sister's prison and the other's dream home. It's very symbolic of the separation of the two. I just wish there was more in the story about it.Going back to my desire for more of the story, why was that box buried in the yard? It seemed that Julie was very happy in that house, how did that change when she found out what Cathy's life in it was like? You could spend chapters going over those details!
This is an interesting story. I like the idea of a mystery being solved through a psychic connection. The story flows pretty well, and is a quick read. Some of the dialog feels a little forced, and parts of the story aren't well explained. Overall, this is a strong start to what will be a great short story.
As I mentioned in the overall feedback, the plot flows quickly. The details seem to be very good, and while there are almost too many at the beginning, especially while she's gardening that don't seem to do as much for the story, they become more useful by the ending.A few questions about the plot. The characters seem to leap to various ideas, without giving any reason why. One example is when Julie and Tina are talking about the disappearance, that her appearance might have been changed and Tina brings up that 'they' could have made her a boy, a teen, and changed her name. Also, how did Julie know when the previous owners had bought the house? She mentions it being 20 years ago, and I'm guessing that she's just assuming based on Cathy's disappearance. I think the ending was pretty good, and while some of the dialog here was a bit forced, and likely wouldn't have taken place in front Cathy, the ending did tie up many of the details.
I like the setting, a house with a garden. I think that it's a really good device, as it gives the woman a perfectly good reason to dig around in her yard. It also really helps to guide the story, since the ending leads the reader to feel as if Cathy had likely spent a large amount of time in the garden.
I'm not sure the opening paras work for me, I feel you need to flesh out the introduction to both Julie and the paranormal element a little more. I wasn't convinced she'd immediately have these kind of thoughts. Then I felt you went OTT with the gardening info - it really adds nothing and slows the pace. I think the intro would work better with an introduction to Floral Delights and a link back to Cathy - so we question early on her missing twin. I feel your sentence structure could be stronger too, make the words really work for you and try to show more and tell less. I did grow to like Cathy more but I feel the character needs to be fleshed out more. Her reactions to events felt forced, the inner monologue detracted too - I think your dialogue is one of your strengths so use this more to bring Julie alive. Finally, I thought the ending was a little weak, I think the story deserves more to round off the twin's story.
I thought - other than the choice of opening and ending - that the plot worked okay. Structure wise, I feel it needs work, but it's an interesting twist.
A garden, not much to say! Too much detail on the garden - and too little description of any other setting!
There has been a lot of progress since I first read the story. I like the length a bit better, but there are still some pacing issues, mostly lowards the end. But it's looking great! I've been writing thoughts as I had them, so please bear w/me.At the beginning, I need a bit more of an attention grabber of a first line. Just a little something to segue into the first sentence.
Pretty interesting idea with the twin connection. Have always loved the twin connection since Sweet Valley High and Lois Duncan, and know a set of twins or two who have an active connection. And for some reason, the name Catherine Tate made me think of Sharon Tate of the Manson family, and also Catherine Tate the British actress.( Not sure if that's a good thing or not. I studied quite a bit of psychology and sociology in college, and now I watch a lot of British tv, so I guess that's my mind trying to project my memories on your story. ) I'm wondering why Tina automatically makes the jump that they would change her into a boy. My first thought would be a different hair color, even contacts.
I get the general idea where she is, what she's doing, and what kind of day it is, but on p1 the last sentence of the pgh. "The sun was so blazing hot, blinded her with the rays." seems kind of out of place there. One idea: Use that sentence as your attention grabber. (I tend to be a really good editor on OTHER people's stuff. I hope you don't mind my specific suggestions.)
Separate MC's thoughts into individual paragraphs so it doesn't rush the pacing. Slow this story down with more of the necessary details. All the elements for an intriguing, timely tale are spoken of, but, unfortunately are not *yet* realistically drawn together. Take a good look at some contemporary short story masters to get a feel for this form. I recommend Annie Proulx's "Heart Songs" collection for starters. Neil Gaiman, too, as that writer may be more to your story's genre.
Good sense of suspense you've begun here, but the story is a meaty one and must be developed more.
Natural, suburban, and helps to provide a sense of the main character--nice job--but still requires more description to place us there and to warrant our attention. (Like that darling dog, by the way.)
I like the dialogue. It moves a long very well. That is hard to write.
Too simplisstic and straight-forward. Where's the intrigue?
Fine. What's to say? I did not get too much setting but I didn't miss it.
This has the makings of a good story. The narration would be strengthened by recasting the whole thing in first person since we're always inside Julie's head. But if you decide to keep the narrative in third person, make sure the grammar is all standard English, and reserve the regional dialect for quotes (whether said aloud or thought). Third person would be better if you go into details of Tina's activity.When you're writing a story, you have to love it. When you're editing, you have to hate it. (Rewriting counts as writing.)When you think it's perfect, read it aloud without stopping, then edit it again.
There were points at which the timeline was confusing. It should be clear (unless the people in the story are confused about it). I suggest writing out the actual sequence of events *with dates* in order. (You can present them to the reader in a different order.)The "psychic connection" between twins is a well-known idea. You don't need to be explicit about it more than 2 or 3 times -- let it be mysterious.Was Cathy known as Catherine or as Charlotte to the Hursts? I wasn't sure.Julie is apparently single. How about Tina?
When the setting changes, take 1 or 2 sentences to explain where you are. One sentence with each change is fine. Examples:- Be explicit that you are in North Carolina- Describe of the Outer Banks as a vacation resort. Did the family rent a cabin, stay in a hotel, have a camper, stay in tents or what?- Talk about the sizes of towns and cities, what part of town Julie lives in, where her shop is.
There are plenty of errors and hiccups along the way, but I'm not a fan of short stories. It doesn't give enough time for the true plot to develop. Characters can't be explored either.
Like I said, short stories don't give enough time for the plot to develop into anything special. Most don't at least.
Most short stories aren't long enough to really explore characters and settings. This story isn't much different.
A good idea for a story, but not the finished story. Short declarative sentences could be woven into more interesting prose. Molly, the dog, is a good device, but wanders. The meeting of the twins merely a sketch. Could be made more dramatic,. When the psychic connection is reestablished, it could be the climax of the story, and it should break my heart. What you've writtenis more of an outline from which a gut-twisting tale could be woven.
The best part is the plot. Might emphasize the suddenly broken psychic connection, to be suddenly re-established. Dig into their heads, and hearts when this happens
A pleasant garden is a good setting for a dramatic story
The opening line and paragraph didn't really grab me. But then it gets interesting when we are introduced to the missing twin sister plot. But then it ends very suddenly. She finds Cathy and the reader is left wondering what happened to Cathy all these years? It's just not complete or satisfying.
A little slow going at first. But then the missing twin sister peaked my interest. However i became confused by how quickly the twin sister was recovered. It's like huge chunks of story are missing.
It's an ordinary setting in someone's back garden, no more, no less.
Hi Kristen - I came to read your story after you commented you had read many other people's work and were still looking for reviews. I think you have an interesting idea, and you know the type of subjects readers are interested in. A lost twin being found through the discovery of a mysterious box in the garden is a dramatic story idea. That said, your story reads like a summary for a longer book. One of several popular authors who writes stories about families, love and sometimes mysteries that are revealed is Jodi Picoult. Much of this is written very simply, which is not bad overall, but in this case - has that "summary of a story" rather than a story feeling. I think that by envisioning the characters more, especially of course Julie, you can flesh this out as a full story if you like.
Well, as the story reads like a summary, it is the summary of what could be an effective plot. An example of where something very important is left out is - how do they find Cathy so quickly! I mean - they just found her only one day later. Boom! There she is! Also, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything other than Julie's dog sniffing out the box with the pictures, which seems like a big coincidence. And coincidence . . . does not a story make.
Because the story is so summary-like, I automatically pictured my own hometown. There is a flower shop in an old, historical brick building. I automatically pictured a realtor I know, etc. When Cathy was discovered, I pictured my own best friend Cathy. Sooo . . . you need to picture it better. This is how the reader "fills in the blanks" and I'm sure you didn't mean that it was Redlands, CA, was that flower shop, and of course - not my best friend Cathy who was discovered. KEEP going!!
Interesting premise but I have to say this needs a lot of work as it reads a little awkwardly in places.The ending doesn't really work.
A decent sort of twist on the identical twins theme. But I wonder why there is no explanation for the girl's abduction, no reason why their "psychic connection" is suddenly intact.
Not sure what you want here. The garden setting is appropriate since she is digging up a buried box.
What is a typical spring morning? My typical mornings are probably different than yours. Instead of saying that, why not just describe her morning, which you pretty much do. But you need to hook them with your first sentence. What are her gardens? What flowers does she have? What cuttings? More description. Do people really tsk? I don't think I've ever tsked. At 11%, where Julie doesn't want to see any dead bodies or skeletons, where does that come from? It kind of seems out of left field. "She placed the shovel down and dug for as long as it took." How long was that? Later you describe it as two feet, which is good. I would take out the "long as it took" part. There are a couple of awkward phrases such as "now that gave her a chilling thought." "That was a chilling thought" would be better.
It's an interesting premise. But it's too convenient. What might help the story to not be as convenient is if you introduce that something is missing in Julie's life, and that something was her indentical twin sister, missing for how many years. Then play up that Julie had looked for a house for five years and that none would do, but the second she looked at this one, it called to her and felt like home...you could build on that psychic twin connection and establish that what Julie had felt upon seeing and living in the house was Cathy. Next convenience--out of all the places Julie's dog could dig in the yard, she found the place where newspaper clippings were buried? Julie already has to dig because she gardens. Why not have her buy a beautiful young tree, one that was Catherine's favorite flower. Have a spot in the yard call to her and start to dig to plant the tree and unearth the box--again, it's the twin psychic connection thing. It's Cathy just asking to be found.
The setting is good. I would describe her gardens better and talk about how gardening was cathartic and therapy for the pain of her missing sister.
I like this story, of course. It's compelling and the mystery is very daring. But I have a slight issue with Jules: why would she wait for Tina? Why not just open it? Why didn't she right away realize it was her twin if she "never forgot her?" It just seems a little rushed. And I understand it's a short story, but there are ways to flesh it out. Maybe by cutting a few descriptions it'd help. Or maybe if you used more "timelines" (things like, 20 years ago..., Present..., Three weeks later..., etc.). It'd help move the story a little smoother and faster.Also, there are a few grammatical errors. A lot of comma uses that could be cut back. :)Aside from that, I really enjoyed it! I felt for Jules and how desperate she was to find her sister after all that time.
The plot has potential. In fact, the plot is what I enjoyed the most! But I have to say, the pace is what threw me off. I wanted to know why Tina was so important. Why did Jules move to that house? Was it a psychic thread from her and her sister? Had she been pulled to the house? Why is Cathy a mess? Is she pale, skinny, bruised? I feel like there's a lot of missing information that is very important to the plot.
You're great at giving detail! Especially when it came to what Jules was doing. I wouldn't say the detail describing the areas was well put, but the actions within the space was well worded. :) And you know what? I feel like that more important. This story seems, to me, focused on Jules and finding her sister versus her surroundings. I actually feel like you could've used her inner thoughts a lot more. :) Overall though, great job! I enjoyed reading it.
First things first. I am no expert, but this story reads like what I would think a Cozy Mystery would. I have never read a Cozy, so take all of this with a grain of salt. I am going to tackle this like it was a normal mystery story for an adult reader.There's going to be a LOT here, so stand back.These are all stream of conscious thoughts that I had while reading. Also, please forgive spelling and grammar. I am typing fast and not editing my own stuff. You tell the reader she 'loved gardening'. Show us this by her working in the garden. 'She developed having a green thumb from her parents.' What does that mean? How did she develop having a green thumb? Did she inherit her green thumb from her parents?'The sun was so hot it blinded her with is rays.' Would take that tacky 'was' out of your sentence.Why do I need to know she donned her gloves? You're stepping into a scene here, but then two hours pass. In the glossing over of the two hours, you can tell us how she tenderly takes care of her plants and her bushes, etc. You can take off the part about Molly burying bones. Molly is a dog--they dig. You do a good job of showing us how hot she is by telling me sweat is pouring from her face...so you don't need to tell us she sweltered. 'She also wore her fanny pack and snatched her cell that finished recharging.' This sentence needs some work. It's misplaced in the paragraph, and is just kludgy. 'She panted and barked.' I hope this was Molly. Why in the heck would she think about dead bodies and skeletons and why would that thought give her a chill? Confusing. This almost reads like a middle grade novel. Very pedantic with no subltety to it. My confusion: Why would Julie keep digging a hole Molly started? Why wouldn't she just fill it in? That seems to be a logic gap. 'She dug for as long as it took'... huh?She hoped it didn't take her 6 feet under? huh?What is a 'pitching sound'?'Julie glanced down and spotted something sticking out. This puzzled her.' --You don't need to tell us it puzzled her. 'A small metallic box!' Why the exclamation point? Once again, I feel like I am reading a story written for a middle grader.'By the time she saw it on the shovel, she placed it on the recent mound of fresh dirt.' --Not sure what that sentence is trying to say. Why does she 'need' to call her friend? Julie looked for a house for five years? Wow! How does her owning a florist shop play into the story?Typo on 'you'll see what you mean.'Wait, it's the weekend? Why isn't Julie working at her florist shop? '...and retreaded downstairs' I think it's retreated. But what's her kitchen doing up stairs? 'By the time Tina arrived in her Keep, she met her halfway...in front of her house.'--who met who here? And we can assume it's in front of the house. You can take out all the meeting stuff. Too much scene setting. You give us a decent description of Tina, but then you give a sentence telling us she's a cross of mexican and italian. Pick one or the other, you don't need both. 'two feet deep.' Why would she tell Tina just how deep it was? How about she just found it buried. The whole Tina petting Molly seems completely forced. 'What do you think we should do?' I think you can cut that sentence. We the reader don't even know what she's found yet. Once again, not sure why Julie wouldn't just open the box herself. Why did she need Tina there?Julie blinked. --Did the reader need to know she blinked right then?'The box was also rustic in nature, like it was old and weathered.' You haven't described anything about the box, so how can you say it was also rustic? How about the box looked like it'd been buried for 20 years or something. Is it metallic/wooden/cardboard/plastic?Wait, so Julie already opened the box and dug through it? OK! Yes. Go back and put in a little bit of what she found when she first opens the box. You never tell us she opened it, or anything before. That's enough of a reason for her to call Tina. Then it would work fine!Why was Julie behind Tina and have to look over her shoulders? Wouldnt they put the box between them? And are they still standing in the front yard?How does Julie know they're pictures of lost or missing children? The trail went cold? Wait, what year is this story in? 2013? 2020? 2011? The whole, 'i've seen your pictures when you were a little girl' thing Tina says is exposition through dialogue. It smacks of you talking down to your readers. Can't you just say, 'These look like you.'She asked her why the pictures looked like her? Weird question. 'Maybe you were adopted, swtiched at birth, or kidnapped for a long time.' --Would anyone really say something like that? It's like you're forcing the story on us, not letting it come to us. Her mouth formed a moue. What is a moue?'I don't know. I do look like my siblings and my parents.' --what a yuck sentence. Once again, don't talk directly to the reader.'a memory flashed back into her mind from the past.' --yes, memories typically come from the past, not the future. You play the whole thing of it being her sister too offhandedly. Make us FEEL Julie's realization. Make us understand her through process better. She doesn't just have a memory from the past. 'This was too painful to bear' --don't tell us that, SHOW us. 'Tell me the abridged version.' --would a friend say that? Seems like Tina would just say, 'What are you talking about?'They're still standing in front of the house, right?'This was before I met you.' --I should think so if her sister dissappeared when she was 5.'I'm so sorry Tina, to omit this...' --read that out loud and you'll see how it sounds dead to your ears. You switched POV to Tina when you tell us she did and she felt for Julie....'I also had a high fever.' When you have an ear infection, you typically have a fever. Not sure why you added that. Read it out loud. 'I was exempt due to my illness.' How about she was exempt because she was 5.They looked for her for weeks then they moved? Weird.Neither one of your characters EVER EVER question the fact that by pure and complete chance she moved into the same house of the people who abducted her sister. That's HUGE! You never address it! Seriously, there are like 5 billion homes in the U.S. and she just happens to go to the same one where her sister's adbucters were? And they lived in the same city their entire life and never met by chance?'I hope Cathy is found.' --seems like an awfully casual statement to make after what they found. They sure do meet half way a lot. Now they're halfway into her side yard?Werent they in front of the house, right by Tina's car?'You can bring her home' --? What does thaat mean?'Since Tina left, Julie waited to hear from Tina.'Heh. It's an LCD display :-)'She embraced herself to meet Catherine' --think you mean she braced herself.Wait? The psychic connection wasn't broken? You just said it was! --confused.You need some stage settings and get your characters lined up on the stage properly. Julie faced Cathy...two paragraphs later Cathy glances at her. They are either standing in front of each other or standing next to each other. AH! the box is tin! good to know. Wait! If Cathy knew about Julie and the rest of the family, why didn't she ever try to meet her? Apparently she knew about her family from the get together...confused again. Overall I just couldn't get past the many bumps in the road to enjoy the story.
The plot was fine. I liked the idea of the story, but there were so many plot holes and logic leaps that I couldn't but into the story. It was too much of a reach.
The setting was okay, i guess. You never described any of her house, her garden, her porch, anything in each scene. But the setting of having at her house was fine.
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