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A young woman undergoes a dark ritual in exchange for power, only to discover the price is more than she's willing to pay.
(No author's note)
Hesitating on your first paragraph as I try to imagine where in SF you could be living close enough to the ocean that its sounds would drown out the city sounds. And in a small apartment. Hmm...I'm not sure about the use of present tense, either. But I like the simplicity of the writing style. And I really like the descriptions of Jessica's reaction -- its straightforward and feels very real. The morgue scene is okay: I'm not sure about either of them as a character, but the store scene is a little too quick. And I'd like a little more reaction or wariness on Jessica's part. Why doesn't she recognize Max? Or at least be a little suspicious of him? Most murders are the boyfriend. I think that needs some more characterization.Overall, I think that was really too quick and fast-paced. And I never say that--I'm usually all about tightening and getting rid of useless words. But even though I like the voice a lot, I need to get to know the characters a little bit better before so much happens to them.
Liked the voice a lot! The writing style is great, in my opinion, very straightforward and clean with just the right amount of description and action.
I had no real continuity problems -- it all made sense. But the characters aren't developed enough to really feel involved in the story. The best scene was definitely Jessica's discovery of the body, but after that it moves so quickly through so much action that even though it all makes sense, it doesn't give me a chance to get involved.
Great premise! I love what's going on between these two sisters. The magic world...the human world...this story has strong potential!However, while I am already a fan of Jessica and Marissa, I'm being told a lot of things rather than shown. I understand it's hard, trust me. Even the best have a tendency to show, but I'd like to feel their emotions...I want to feel Marissa yearning that power. I want to see her gritting her teeth, to hear her nails digging into wood, to taste that magic. As for Jessica, I know she's lost her memory, but instead of telling us that Leah is crazy, don't be afraid to go over the top and use as many dramatic tendencies as possible. This can be an intense story...if you let it. :)
Good voice, but I have to agree to what some have said: you jump tense a bit. It's a little mistake that can be fixed though. :)Regarding voice, like I said, it's telling us a lot of what's going on versus showing.
There's not enough to give you great feedback for this, but so far I'm not confused. I know Jessica and Marissa are sisters and both are witches, yes? I also know that Marissa is a little more power hungry than Jessica. I'm curious as to how this will all pan out. Also, Leah couldn't see the demon...is it true, then, that only Jessica and Marissa can see the demons/truth?
Hi Carrie,Fun premise. And a good set-up for a great big good sister vs. evil sister struggle. It's pretty light on setting and characterization at this point; makes it feel a little like a synopsis of a story rather than the story itself; definitely an early draft kinda feel. Seems as if everything could be a little longer, gone into a little bit more. You call Jessica's New Age store, "the new age shop she'd opened" and "the shop she owned" and it comse across weirdly impersonal. Why not name the place at some point? Tell us what she sells? A lot of readers will not have set foot in a New Age store; you have an opportunity to describe a fascinating subculture to the uninitiated and help us to get to know Jessica in the bargain. Does she like her store? Until we get the backstory about the mother summoning demons, there's no indication that Jessica's interest in New Agey doings is anything but professional. And starting a business is generally hell, but you make no mention of her struggles starting a new business--and a New Age magic shop at that! Not the most stolid investment. I wasn't much bothered by her sister's lack of motivation. I can't imagine the motivation that would justify having yourself brutally murdered and then make a deal with a demon for "power." I mean that's the definition of c-r-a-z-y, far as I can see. I'm sure she has all manner of mad grievances against the world, her sister, love and life itself, but I don't need them spelled out at the top of the story. I need to care about her sister and know that Missy is trouble with a capital "T" and you've succeeded in setting that up. But I don't get much character from Missy either, and that I missed. And I don't get much of a sense of the boyfriend at all. I neither trust nor distrust him and I should have definite feelings one way or the other when he takes a knife to his girlfriend's throat, know what I mean? I should be shocked or I should be saying, "I knew it!" but instead I'm just kinda, "Huh." I gotta admit, the death kept me reading, but not in a "wow, this is gonna be good" way, but in that "Well, that was unexpected. I wonder where the heck this might be headed" sorta way. I don't mean to harsh on your book. I liked it. It's just that when I examine it, I see so many missed opportunties to dig in and really tell the heck out of this story!
Writing the murder in the present tense didn't bother me at all. It's her POV and writing it in past tense when she's going to be dead at the end of the scene wouldn't be quite right. I've also been reading various mysteries that use this strategy with the murder scene lately, so the tense itself actual built up suspense for me.Beyond that, the voice just needs time to mature. The characters have yet to really come into focus, come into their own.
One thing I really think your piece needs is greater emotional expressiveness. You're describing some profoundly horrifying things here but the lack of emotional impact on the characters keeps it all at a distance and kinda unreal.Jessica's reaction to seeing her sister's dead body was startlingly muted. I didn't feel that they were sisters based on Jessica's reaction. Your mileage may vary, but I would expect a sister to need to touch her sibling to varify she was dead, even with all the blood. I can't imagine she wouldn't try to revive her at least for a few seconds, y'know? And then when she has her sister there in her arms, there's gotta be some waterworks, right? Or something. I know they're estranged, but *that* estranged? Her reaction--or lack there of--was so odd to me, it took me out of the story.And I think Max really needs to be brought into focus. He's such a pivotal character. I can imagine you steering the reader's sympathy all over the map with this guy. We could start with mistrusting him mightily, thinking he's planning to murder this poor innocent girl, only to discover that it was all her idea and maybe he's some kind of pawn to her and then finding out that he's just as corrupt and insane as she is, etc. But as he stands, I hardly know him. The other thing is that everything happens so fast, it feels unreal or ungrounded. It seems like she dies on one page, then when we find her in the morgue she's revived in another page, then she summons a big nasty demon and before you know it she's transforming into a demon and then she's immediately at her sister's store. It moves so quickly it gets to feel like one of those economy tours of some European city where you're rushed from landmark to landmark without having a chance to take any of it in. I was also hoping that if Jessica has any skill with magic herself, that she wouldn't be so completely overcome by the forget-me potion; that there'd be cracks in its effectiveness, or she'd get some kind of omenous warning before-hand. Also, it seems natural that she'd have some intuition about the high strangeness of her sister's situation, some premonition of doom followed then by the strangest feeling that she wasn't actually dead, or something along those lines. I mention all this under the heading of "continutiy" because it's these kinds of connections that really keep a story grounded and make your reader happy to suspend disbelief. When you only give us the bare bones of the narrative, we're much more likely to balk or be confused because we missed some essential bit of plot development due to its lack of impact. Anyway, I hope you stick with this story and flesh it out some more, give your characters more to work with.Thanks for letting me read it!-Kevin
Greetings!This is a very interesting premise to a story. However, there were a few things that bothered me about the presentation that took away from the story. Part of my issue pertains to voice, which I will go into a little later. Overall, I think this idea is well-worth pursuing. You have an interesting pool of characters and action right from the start. That said, I had a very difficult time getting into the story. As I read, I felt like I was being told a story rather than seeing it. I wasn't able to get cohesive images of the characters or a real feel for their personalities. By the time Marissa died, I didn't care if she did or not. I definitely had an easier time getting behind Jessica's character, but even then I didn't get a real attachment to her.I think improving the setting and giving a better, immediate feel for where these characters are will improve things. You have the starts of something very dark and serious, but the setting isn't as deep or well-described as I typically expect from a story of this genre.
The largest concern I had about voice was that you start in active third and shift to past tense third.Also, there is a great deal of telling going on as well. For example, on the last page of this section, "In the drawer beneath the cash register, she kept a gun. In case anyone tried to rob her." -- What else would someone keep a gun beneath the register for? Show us this instead of telling us. For example, you could do this instead: Her hand shook as she slipped it beneath the counter. The metal of the gun barrel was cold against her skin as she fumbled for the weapon." -- Without telling us why she keeps the gun under the counter, we know it is there because she is reaching for it and trying to pick it up. You can show her fear by shaking, fumbling, etc.I think if you resolve the tense issues and show us more than you tell, this story will be able to really take off.The voice was the flaw for me that would prevent me from buying this book if I saw it in the store. If you fix this, I feel that you will have a really strong story. The foundation is there, but it needs flushed out.
I didn't see any issues with the continuity of this piece. You're clear on whose perspective it is and you show the time shifts in a way where this didn't distract me from the reading.
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