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20 years after California sinks into the ocean, creating a coastal Arizona, orphan Tom returns home to Phoenix. He is quickly swept up in a world of intrigue hidden within the normal day to day workings of the local government. Swept up in a domestic terrorist organization run by a collection of people with strange, elemental powers, he finds himself at odds with the totalitarian government that has claimed dominance of North America. Now, Tom has to choose between two wrongs, and discovers that he himself is so much more than he ever seemed to be.
Phoenix 2125 is my first novel that I have decided to publish directly online. It updates regularly at dreamfantastic.com . It is my first attempt at sharing an idea with my fellow humans in novel form, and as such, is bound to be rocky in places. I welcome any comments and thoughts, and hope you enjoy my first time. I would promise to be gentle, but that would be a lie!
I get the feeling there might be a story in here somewhere, but so far I have not found it. There's nothing compelling me - and this is supposed to be a supernatural thriller. I see nothing supernatural or thrilling, or even hints of those in this segment of the book. The very first paragraph needs to draw you in more. There needs to be more intrigue. I want something that makes me want to read more, and so far, I don't see it. Also, you should end your chapters so that they create the desire to read more and not have to put the book down.Good news? I think Tom is a likeable character.The beginning of the book is the most important from a getting published point of view. So what you have here needs a major reworking so that it grabs you and makes you want to read on.
The dialogue is not bad. Could use some tightening, but I got a good sense of the characters by hearing them speak.
Where are we? So far, Arizona. After a recent earthquake. But what city? When am I? I'm not an expert about arizona but I could not recognize this location at all. Terms like skycars confused me more. When is this? In the future? This needs to be clarified. The reader needs to know early on where and when this is, is the location real or completely made up, etc...So far I am confused and distracted as a result.
I really like the description for the book. It really hooked me, and I couldn't wait to start reading. The overall premise of the novel, I was able to get from the book description. If I hadn't read the description, I wouldn't have known that California fell into the ocean (earthquake?). This information would be great early on in the beginning of the book to give the reader a better sense of how the world is different/changed from our current time.With regards to continuity of the story, when Deborah is showing Tom his office space, she mentions that he rode in the cable car. How does she know this? Tom doesn't mention this. Also, when Tom is in the bathroom he had water steaming off his hands, but he splashes cold liquid on his face. There appears to be a continuity issue here. Is the water hot or cold? The passage is confusing, and I am not sure what the intent is supposed to be. If the water is supposed to react strangly to Tom's skin, then I think we need a little more description about this to make it clearer to the reader. Finally, with the bathroom scene, for me personally, the relieving the bladder was a little too much information and doesn't further the story along. I do like the FACS-IST lingo that is mentioned by Janet. By the end of chapter three, I am getting a gllimpse to the fact that Deborah may be more than she seems (special abilities?). However, I do not have a clear vision of where the story is going at this point. Overall, I think this story has appeal, but would like to see more of the sci-fi/thriller (as tagged) in the first couple of chapters. I think this would help hook readers into reading more.
Overall, I really like Daneel's dialogue. It appears appropriate for her age, and the most realistic in the first three chapters. For the rest of the dialogue, it seemed a bit stiff. The structure of the dialogue also could be reworked for better flow and delivery (i.e. pg 2 dialogue could be reworded as follows: Caught by surprise, Tom stammered, "It's stunning. A sight I might never get used to.") Little changes like this would make the dialogue smoother to read and more concise.When Deborah is introduced, her voice comes off as very formal, but she says that the office is informal. If the intent is for her to be formal then having Tom acknowledge in his head that her words don't match her tone.Finally, I think the dialogue could be used as a more effective tool to convey the setting (see my comments below).
I have a lot of questions on this area which may be discussed in later chapters. However, that being said, I think it would benefit the reader to lknow more about what happened to Phoenix for it to now be more of a beach setting instead of the current desert climate earlier in the story. Also, is Phoenix now the capital of the whole US? If so, why? This information could be intertwined not only in the descriptive paragraphs, but into the dialogue as well.
The initial description and interaction seem a bit off. It paints a nice picture, but I don't feel the conversation that directs it feel right. Ed knows who Tom is, though the reason doesn't seem clear. I'm sure lots of people would recognize the name.
Daneel's voice seemed the most authentic and genuine in her initial lines wiht Tom. However, when she went into exposition it faded. Tom ans Ed were more formal in their tone, which may or many not be by design.
There are some really good images that produce a sense of place. They don't necessarily feel like Phoenix, but this is a different Phoenix.
You do have a formatting issue, when there's question marks in place of punctuation for first few pages of first chapter. Save it as plain text. You have an interesting concept for a supernatural thriller. So far I don't see anything that's supernatural. You do need to proofread in some spots.
It sounded pretty natural and authentic to me. You do need to lowercase the pronouns, and end tag tags in periods before dialogue, or end narration before dialogue in periods. Don't end dialogue in periods before tags. And no commas after ? when asking questions.
Pretty good descriptions. You could elaborate a little bit more on the wall and lights, etc., including Dah-neel and such. Maybe it stand out.
Interesting start. The writing style isn't as smooth or polished yet. There are some turns of phrase that stick out here and there."I expect never to get used to..." instead of "I never get tired of seeing it." or "Hope I never get tired of seeing it."And the setting and the characters seem detached from each other. "Blind fools, all of them." Nobody turns around and says, "Hey!"There are some gorgeous descriptions. Though it's important to establish that we're on an island now given that we start with the East beach. Haven't quite gotten into the characters yet. Deborah is attractive and has some personality. Daneel is interesting. They have a 14 year old working at a government office? It's one of those details that doesn't seem connected to any reality I know of. The main character is okay, he's not doing a whole lot except getting lost.We are three chapters in however and there's not a whole lot of hint as to where this is going. Sure it's only 4700 words long but by chapter 3 things need to be moving along a little faster.
It's all right. A lot of it flows nicely and has a natural rhythm to it. There's that one instance on the cable car where you wonder why no one says "screw you."Like the story the dialogue is a little slow. It's friendly, it's informative but it isn't doing anything really vital or important.
Like everything else a bit of a mixed bag. There are some gorgeous descriptions and the idea of a labyrinth underground city is nice but there are details that don't quite add up.Blueprints? They're already calling them CAD files and CAD drawings.Security check points? It is a government building. Apparently they're counting on would be trouble makers to get lost. I don't care how good your computer locks are, you need a guard at an entry point. The rest of the office seems like a normal office, maybe even a little behind the times. This story feels like it could have been written in the 50s. That can be a good thing but it also can be not so good.
The first paragraph, while supplying vivid imagery, is a little too flowery. Also, the curve of the dome is gentle and then in the next line the beach is gentle. Change it up. "...as if seeing him again for the first time". take out the "again". Barry Goldwater is a bit dated. I'd pick someone more current for comparison. At the end of the first chapter, I'm thinking that a lot of your sentences can be restructured for clarity and efficiency. Example (on the last page of the 1st chapter: "Ed finished their conversation by turning to take in the view once more. As the car trundled along, Tom looked at Marrow, the Arizona skyline and then at the other occupants of the trolley. The car shuddered to a halt at the pier. As they filed out the doors, Ed clapped Tom on the shoulder. "Well, I shall be seeing you around."Ed disappeared into the crowd, leaving Tom to follow signs to the entrance of the capitol building." That's what I would do. Go through your prose and give it the same kind of treatment. You can streamline the descriptions and clean up the narrative so it has a better flow. Going into chapter 2, you've started with the same line as you've just ended it - don't do that.Try varying your sentence structure a bit. Almost every sentence opening Chapter 2 starts with "following" or "trying" or "realizing" "pulling" "finding"... Change it up. Stick to what's important. Again, vary up your word choice. You've said "appraisal/appraising" a lot. The scene in the bathroom...don't beat around the bush: His erection made urinating a difficult task. So, if Deborah is coming on to Tom in the conference room, I'm finding it hard to believe. So far he seems utterly forgettable and geekish, awkward...not something that would stir a woman like Deborah into workplace liasons. Give us more about Tom to explain this. Otherwise, it just sounds like our protagonist getting a girl because he's the protagonist and it's what they do. Overall, I'd say that this is a good rough draft. This could be streamlined and enhanced (as I've noted above and below) for improvement. Thank you for sharing.
A little unnatural. Doesn't flow like typical conversation. Also, if I take away the dialogue tags, there's nothing about each individual character's voice that sets them apart. Try to take your characterization up a notch by really letting their individual voices shine.
I live in Phoenix, so the idea of it being a beach intrigues me. Other than the reference to Encanto, I'm not finding anything that really puts me in the mind of being here in Phoenix, though. Also, not getting a lot that separates 2125 Phx with today. (Other than the air trolley, which would be nice to have here.)I think you have a good start on the setting, but could do more with defining it.
A few typos, but nothing that can't easily be fixed. Nice style and some great ideas. I do wonder whether you have started in the right place though or whether you need to up the pace a bit - this is classed as a thriller after all. But I enjoyed reading the excerpt and I wish you well with it.
Crisp, but beware of having all your characters sounding similar and a touch formal. Have you thought about giving Tom a turn of phrase, something quirky he frequently says, maybe?
Copper domes, beaches and bays. I thought we were in some tropical paradise. But then he's in Arizona (which isn't coastal, is it?) and in a cable car. Some great descriptions, but I am a touch confused.
This is pretty good. I had a bit of trouble understanding the setting at first. It might help to offer some narrative on where we are and what it looks like in addition to providing al lthe information through Tom's eyes and Ed's comments.I also think you are reaching too hard for some literary effect that causes you to make some questionable word choices. For example, "where cable cars loaded and disbursed." "Disbursed does not fit. How about "where people got on and off." On the same page, how does Tom know some of those people are lawyers? Also, how did Tom know that the door he did not notice was a "mere outline in the steel wall?" By the time it hit him and he noticed it , it was to late to see the mere outline. You have quite a few places like this that just need some careful editing. I don't mean to be picky, but there are quite a few words and pieces like this that distract your reader from the driving force of the story.
It's good. the only flaw I see is that you use dialogue to explain things to the reader and that stands out as artificial. For example when Ed and Tom meet you dump a lot of back story into the dialogue. It's too much.
You are creating a nice original setting, but as a reader I need some overview to make sense of all the details you offer as Tom goes about his business.
Clean, graphic opening paragraph. I believe in being staggered by the sight of a devastatingly attractive woman. But Tom's reaction to Deborah is so over the top, I hope it is an important part of the action to come. I'm sure that the dramatic fault time that spurred this tale will eventually be revealed, but feel it needs to have been at least hinted at to make certain a reader cannot put the book down. This chapter ends as a sex scene is about to happen. Ho hum.
Rrestrained, sensible, believable, even character revealing
Like being in what seems to be the IT department of a large organization. Since all the action flows through it, it can put the reader in the hot center of whatever story is about to unfold.
I think you're trying to tell us you are a writer. The descriptions are mostly okay, but over done. The sun rising just over the top...it is too much.
It seemed stiff. I can't really find more to say than that. I'm sorry.
The scene in the urinal is okay, but less would be more. Physical representation of his inner turmoil? That seems to be a lot for a guy just taking a piss.
Paints a good picture of a first day at work. Barely on time etc. Needs a little more background as to what is going on or about Tom, but it forms a cliffhanger of sorts.
Good, it was a flowing pace that introduced characters almost too quickly.
Good, youre descriptive but not too much. The balance is the hard part.
The general situation and location come through clearly, as also your protagonist. I query whether a 'totalitarian government' would operate in what seems a quite anarchic style - the interactions amongst staff in the Capitol seem quite un-heirarchical, with little authoritarian behaviour. Totalitarian govts extend their style right down the tree to local government, I would think. Similarly, the presence of a very casual young teen in an office seems unlikely in such a society. Security and Authority would rule??
Very real, conveys information as well as the general tone of your society and sketches in your characters.
Nicely done, no great info-dumps. Physically very plausible; socially also, but not if this is part of a repressive authoritarian regime.
After reading three chapters, I'm unsure of where you are going. I surmise that we're in Phoenix in the future and it is now a coastal city.You speak of a supernatural element,but I don't see one or evidence of something coming. I feel that something is going to happen between Tom and Deborah; she is certainly thoroughly described both physically and inwardly.I enjoy the prose, but I think you need to get into the story more quickly.
Other than punctuation, the dialogue tends to move the story.
Not entirely sure of the setting. It is never really stated. New York and philadelphia seem to be the same as they are now but Phoenix is a very different place. Why?
The descriptive elements are very strong, though there are a few hiccups in the writing style. You use some repetitive terms when indicating who is committing the action, or who is speaking. For example, before you provide Ed's name, you repeatedly use terms to depict him as an older man. Why repeat the same element so many times? Either introduce his name earlier, or more clearly delineate between who is performing which actions in a way that doesn't require character descriptor's such as "old" or "elderly" quite so often. I don't mean this to be so negative, but your descriptions of the environment are so vivid and imagined that having so many directions to who is moving or speaking takes away from it.The story is intriguing, and I like the implied shadowy elements. I'll keep reading.
I like the small talk feel at the beginning and how it then translates into something deeper. Nice job!
Again, your descriptions are amazing and you've really brought this world to life. It's the strongest part of the writing.
There are a few grammatical errors, but nothing that a read through can fix. And it's really just a few things that are similar to this: "The lights strengthened, most people on the car instinctively looking away from the window, as Tom and Ed stared at the sight, as did one or two others." Like I said, nothing that a once-over won't hurt. Aside from that! I'm loving this story. I especially want to know what's going to happen with Tom and Deborah...and I want to know what's going on with that "heat!" You have me intrigued - that has to be the best compliment, right? We all want our readers interested and truly captivated. Well, you got me! :D Looking forward to more!
The dialogue is a bit off at times. But other times it just makes the characters POP. Here's an example of where it, literally, had me begging for more of that character: "Now," she said throatily, "we can have some real fun." Oh yes. That last line that I got to read was what just made it! I was intrigued, I was hanging on her word and it sounded...natural. Then there's this: "Fascist?" Tom asked. "I thought," he said jokingly, "that we lives in a democracy, of sorts." There's a lot of pausing. All that pausing actually pulled me away from the scene. I mean, only for a bit! I was able to follow it just fine; I feel, though, that such lines don't need much pause. But that's just me! :)
You write your settings with a heavy hand. By that, I don't mean you abuse the words. Actually, you work with your words very...creatively. This, for instance: "The sun was just rising over the top of the twisted black Encanto Peaks, a solid beam of sunlight streaming through the shattered mountain top towards the dome of the capitol building." That was marvelous. I knew exactly what you were saying and I also appreciate the long sentences: it's forcing me to take my time with the image. I don't want to rush it, obviously. Now, why would I? Your MC isn't, and I want to be on the same page with him. So it works here! While I enjoy your description above, I have to say that this line: "Muted earth tone walls, spotted here and there with the occasional painting or picture of a building, curved to the right, coming back towards the main room they had started in." threw me back a bit. It's long and it's gorgeous and I know what you're saying. However, it slows down the pace. If you, maybe, chopped up the sentences it would pick up a bit. He is, after all, a bit overwhelmed, right? At least, that's how I read it and I could totally be wrong.
You’ve got a very visual style that leaves nothing to the imagination. I’d say almost cinematic. I feel as though I’m watching a movie, rather than reading a book. This is good, as it paints a strong picture. I didn’t find myself trying to fill in the missing pieces. This is also bad, because you’ve got some very long, winding passages that are extremely linear; this makes it difficult to immerse myself back in the storyline once Tom starts interacting with people. As I wrote to another writers, I like long and descriptive – but it doesn’t work for a lot of readers. I get dinged on this a lot, too. ☺ For some reason, I almost want to see this start with dialogue, e.g., “Beautiful, isn’t it?” – and then lead into Tom getting distracted from his view by his conversation with the older gentleman, Ed. My thoughts are that Tom would know who Ed is without having to ask – or without bringing it up. It would be far more effective to bring the reason he doesn’t take air cars up very early in the plot, perhaps in the first couple of pages. This gives the reader a sense of the cultural dynamic, and it immediately hints that there’s been a lot of upheaval and change. Just some small things that caught my eye: watch your style on numerical values for consistency – in novels, it’s appropriate to write them out, e.g., “twelve pipers piping.” Capitol, always with a “C” when referring to the Capitol or the Capitol complex. This is style stuff that spell checker might not pick up.
Dialogue is tough to write. Fiction is strange in that I’ll read various books and think, “You know, people don’t really talk that way in real life.” Your dialogue is very realistic, insofar that … yup, people would pretty much make small talk when they meet each other for the first time. However, there might be a little too much small talk going on. I’m not getting a clear sense of the characters through what they impart to each other verbally. Words can speak volumes about attitude and outlook, especially if there’s an undercurrent to the way they’re delivered. I get a strong sense of Ed, and a bit from Tom – as he’s the one whose POV to which I’m privy – but not so much your female characters. Tell me who they are through their body language and tone of voice, AND what they say. For example, Daneel is precocious, according to Deborah – but I’m not getting that impression of Daneel from what comes out of her mouth. She seems like an ordinary teen. If she’s precocious, I’d expect her to be more sullen and reluctant to speak to Tom, or if she did, she’d do it with an attitude.
Well, of course I’m partial to futuristic tales that take place on earth. And I’m partial to the SW because I live in it (duh!). I think it’s an awesome idea to take a region known for nothing but flat terrain and HOT!!! – and turn it into a city by the ocean. Obviously, the catastrophic event the preceded this change was terrible in magnitude. The reader needs to get a better sense of this event to truly appreciate how unique your world is. Just something small, perhaps, such as Tom reflecting on old photographs he saw of Phoenix before the quake compare to what it looks like now. This is what I’m missing personally, as a reader. Otherwise, I love the time and place.
Overall the story is subtle, but interesting. The protagonist, Tom is likable and very realistic. But the best thing about this book are the remarkably vivid descriptions.
The dialogue seems fairly standard at first glance, but hints and foreshadowing of something going on can be seen. Certainly enough to keep you turning the page even when your eyelids start to droop.
Setting is where Phoenix 2125 really shines. It is unique, intriguing, and rather mysterious. The remarkable setting is what will keep you coming back for more.
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