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In this fantastic coming of age tale, Dauch is a rising star in his clan -- son of the chief, peerless hunter and warrior, effortless shapeshifter -- but he still struggles to reach adulthood and find his place. When he breaks lochmari law to follow his obsession with a human woman, he may learn the hard way the consequences of defying the gods.
This is one of my absolute favorite stories I've ever written, but its length (11,000 words, too long for a "short story" and too short for a "novella") makes it difficult to find a market for. Anyone with a suggestion, I'd love to hear it!
Greetings!I am going to make comments as I read in the overall feedback category and fill in plot and pacing commentary at the end.Your first paragraph intrigues and confuses. I take it that Dauch is not human, but I have absolutely no sense of what he is. I'm not sure this is a good thing. I really like how you've established his opinion of his maturity. Short, sweet and to the point.I am not sure how much I like the information dump. While it does tell us what the lochmari are, I would rather be shown it. A subtle shift in facial features, or a hinting of his Aspect as he bullies Afel... perhaps an awareness of the powers that Afel possesses but doesn't dare use.Up to 34%, you have an interesting start to a story here, but at times the perspective seems to shift between characters. This could use a little tightening, in my opinions. Considering you show the shifts, and begin to fill in the lore, I would be content if you left the differences between lochmari and humans until the point you show it to us.I like the interaction and dislike between Afel and Dauch.At the 34% mark, where you shift to the future and skip a few years, I fell out of the story. The leading paragraph here dropped me out with the info dump and I had to force myself to keep reading. I think I would be better content if it just went, two years later, Dauch earned his scars and move directly into the storytelling and the event of the scars. If you could weave in the history as subtle hints, it would be interesting -- or if Dauch encounters the women and thinks of it then -- but I really had to force myself through the initial information session before the storytelling and the ritual began.I really like how you show Dauch's confusion regarding human sex. I was quite amused by it. Blunt, but not so lewd that I didn't want to keep reading.There is quite a lot of potential here, but I think there still needs a bit of work to make this as streamlined as possible.
Overall, you have a decent plot here, but I think there are a few sections that really slowed down. I think it is really possible to pare down unnecessary information and get this story down to a longer short rather than a novella. Overall, the story is very interesting, but I think you may include aspects that are not necessary for the story to stand on its own two feet. You could almost start the story at the point where Dauch gets his scars. The rest are not nearly as necessary. You should show the rivalry between the two upon his return. You could show the differences between humans and lochmari in how he views the humans.I like the heart of the story, but I think that you do not start it close enough to the end of the tale.
Overall, your pacing is good, but there were a few sections that did not actively move the story forward. I generally felt the pacing was the weakest part of the story. You present an interesting scene with the boys in the beginning, but in the end, I was left feeling like either the story should have ended with him being driven from the camp after killing his kin for a woman, or the story should have started and ended with Leta. In a way, I felt like there were two individual stories here, and this threw the general pacing off for me. As I mentioned in the overall feedback, you mostly lost me at the 34% mark because of the shift towards the 'true' story.I'm not really sure what to propose to 'fix' this without suggesting deleting a lot of content. You could easily make two good short stories out of this rather than one novella... (Killing the kin over a woman and the consequences... and abandoning the clan for a woman.) While the woman stays a key point, the first story more focuses on the tragedy of the boys, while the second very much focuses on the woman.Just my two cents on it!
Dauch's sense of smell was great foreshadowing of his Aspect. I kept wondering why that kept being included, what was it's significance or even how he could smell so good. Then it all made sense. Nice job! You showed us his particular talent without explanation and allowed us to make the connection later.But, how can you pick such an amazing Aspect for your main character and not show it in action at least once? The nature of his Aspect is only mentioned once throughout the entire story! You tortured me with that one. I wanted to see Dauch become or simply be the greatest hunter of the clan. But you kinda just told us about it. The reader doesn't actually see him being great at all. And I believe he is as great as you tell me. I just wanted to see it for myself. Consider showing one scene with him on a real hunt as his very cool Aspect.Also consider some sort of beast on beast showdown. If that isn't the kind of story you wish to tell, that's fine. Don't mind me. It's just something that, while reading, I kept looking forward to and it never happened. Just because I expected something like that doesn't mean you should necessarily include it, but it's something worth thinking about. I may not be the only reader with those expectations.I can't tell you whether or not you should lengthen or shorten the story. But if you're thinking about stretching the story out to novel length, consider switching to Afel's POV and showing what he's up to while away. I was actually interested in seeing that.If you're thinking about shortening the story, you definitely should consider condensing the story down to its primal elements. (Explained below in the "Plot" section.)
Every reader has their personal preferences and this plot didn't connect with me personally until towards the end. That's why I rated your plot 3-stars. I didn't want rate it too low because you do have a plot here. It just took a while to pull me in.What I liked most: Duach vs. Afel. Dauch & Leta. I think the heart of your story lies with these characters and situations. If you could explore those avenues more or enhance the focus on the primal elements between these characters the depth of your story will emerge. First, the incidents with these characters happened too quickly for me. Just when I was getting interested, the scene(s) ended and not with much of a bang. Consider extending some of those scenes and ratcheting up the conflict.If you're going to shorten the story I really think you should bring in Leta much earlier. So far, she doesn't come into play until more than halfway into the story. And before she comes in, the plot is very loose. It only seems to tighten up with her presence in the story.I'm not sure if I should reveal spoilers in case critiquers who haven't read the story yet and might come across this review first before reading. I'm not sure what the etiquette is here. The most important thing is for me to try my best to help you improve your story. But I'll tread as lightly as possible around spoilers so that you can get the most honest review from everyone.In the raid scene with Dauch vs Afel, I can sorta saw what was coming before it came and it felt like an easy decision on Dauch's behalf. The two of them were always at odds so what Dauch ended up doing came across as easy. Consider making Dauch's decision a little more difficult. There were some moments in the beginning that showed Dauch and Afel bonding a little bit, but it wasn't enough for Dauch to feel a little remorseful over his actions, which I think he should be after what he does to Afel. Not only is Afel a clan member but also Dauch's cousin. No matter how much families bicker and fight, family is still family. Even though you're writing about a clan who has different cultural customs and beliefs than us, I think it's universal to feel bad after an incident like that. They grew up together.
Info dump/backstory: In the very beginning, you told us Afel and Dauch were rivals in the middle of showing us that are rivals. That info dump slows down their interaction. The info dump then dipped into backstory that I believe you can cut without losing the essence of your story. If you want to leave that information in definitely take it out from the beginning, try to break it up and sprinkle it throughout the story. At the start of a story, you're objective is to pull the reader into a scene that is happening "now". Immerse us in the world before you tell us about the world. There's a reason it's called Show and Tell, not Tell and Show.It's just a single paragraph, but it does the opposite of what you want. It gives the impression that the rest of the story is going to be that way, and after reading every word of your story, I know that it isn't full of info dumps or backstory. It actually rolls right along at a good pace. Don't be afraid of giving the reader a little mystery.Also, at this point, I'm not ready for whatever an Aspect is. (I know what is now after reading the entire story, and it's a cool concept, but the very first time that this concept pops up it's rather meaningless to the reader. We don't know anything about it to even be intrigued by what it could be.) Imagine a random NASA scientist explaining to you the intricacies of a new spacecraft without showing you the actual spacecraft. It's a just a bunch of words. That's what that scene feels like. Now if you saw an interesting photo of the NASA spacecraft and asked the scientist, "Hey! What the heck is that?" His explanation will automatically be more digestible because you asked for it.You can't show everything, but if it's important enough to the story and you can show it, then always show it. Then you can dive into explanations. Show the reader what an Aspect is and then describe it later. Or do both at the same time. It would be more beneficial storywise. The reader will see it in action and will be more anxious for an explanation of what just happened. It's only when you finally do show what an Aspect is that you pulled me into the story and I really liked where you were taking me.In my opinion, a great introduction for the concept of an Aspect is when the out-clan Warleader is wearing two Aspects. The emphasis placed on him wearing two was intriguing. Even though we still don't know exactly what an Aspect is yet in that moment, the reader can at least imagine what it might be since it's in the man's braids. Consider relocating the part about Afel being "the first to take his Aspect..." into this part of the scene. It would make sense that Dauch, in his excitement, would think about all things Aspect related in that moment.After these two instances, the pacing really gets going and I wouldn't suggest that you change too much in that regard.Hope this helps you. :)
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