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Julie falls in love with the boy who had become her best friend. Eventually, he ends up leaving town, running away, He can run as far as he wants, but he can't get away from her. She stayed. She put down roots, and, with the help of her friends, started a theatre company that is doing well enough to be able to hire a Technical Director. Julie puts her best friend and Lighting Designer on this job. He comes up with her ex-best friend. All sorts of emotions and memories are brought to the surface, including pain and sorrow for everything that had been lost. The only way she gets through this? Her friends. And funnily, enough, it's their fault that he was there. There's a little more trickery to it than Julie realizes. But if it breaks her out of her shell and challenges her and excites her, isn't it worth it?
This story is told with the use of flashbacks, which are indicated by italics. When I uploaded, I may have accidentally deleted some characters, so I apologize. This story is about 110,000 words long, so I'm looking to cut a significant amount, and I need fresh eyes. I welcome all grammar and content help. This story contains mild swearing, mild drug use, and alcohol use, on top of the sex. 04/25/11 I did some rewrites fueled by the critiques I've gotten thus far. I hope I'm going the right direction on POV. Thank you for your help, betafish.
I really like the the story. The plot seems good, the characters are developing, and I laughed a few times at your characters antics.
I'm an amateur so for me POV is something I am still working on and I'm sure I'll get a lot of good constructive criticism, but unfortunately I have none to offer on here, so I'll simply say that I thought the point of view was good. I was able to follow what was going on with no problem.
I thought the characters were pretty good. Chris and Julie seem to have their own personalities, and the tension is definitely there, but I think Julie's behavior borders more on the side of outright hate instead of hurt frustration. Other than that, I like what I've read. By the way, Alex is great!
The premise of the story is interesting. Some sentences are wordy. Tighten the sentence structure and focus in on word choice. Look for specific words that stand out when repeated. Example: chagrin. The dialogue is well written but the explanation before many conversations is not needed. The scenes and flashbacks are jumpy. Smooth the transitions and it will flow better. Your knowledge of the theater comes through clearly. Be careful not to put in too many details that aren’t pertinent. The emotion comes through more as angry and pitiful, rather than unrequited love. That very well may be appropriate but it will be a hard sell for the reader to become a proponent of Julie and Chris’ relationship.<br>
The use of flashbacks is very interesting. They tell a great deal of useful information about the story.Julie bounces back and forth between present day and the flashbacks. The transition can be a little confusing. From her point of view, I have a strong understanding of her feelings and where her mind is. Does Chris really not see why Julie has reservations about working together? Then he goes on to be amused by her reaction and then later wanting to be friendly/reminisce. His thought process needs focusing or should be further elaborated. <br>
Julie seems young and weak. The flashbacks clue me into her age and how much time has gone by and I am concerned that she hasn't grown in all the years. She seems like the same person. I don't have a strong understanding of who she is or why I should like her.Chris' character needs more development. It seems one dimensional and like he is a jerk. You have done a good job on playing up the evils of his character, but in terms of re-igniting the flame, I don't feel it. The characters have the background to have full personalities and I think that you can make Julie a stronger woman and Chris have some present day charisma.<br>
First, I love Julie and I am looking forward to getting to know Chris. They seem fun and this romance has a cozy feel to it. You know though, I wish I knew more about Chris. Why did he leave? What made him so special to Julie? I know they were best friends...but what about him made him irresistible to her? Just a few questions I'm wondering about. :)
I love the use of the flashbacks! It's a great way to get information through to the readers. While the flashbacks are great, I do have a slight problem with the pacing: there's a lot of repetition. It just throws off the flow and drags the story a bit. However, I do appreciate it! It's nice to be reminded of certain things. :) I feel, though, it'd be nicer to see it rather than it be told to us. But, again, that's just me and simply something to think over. I like what you're doing now and it works just fine for your book!
You are very good at detail. I took notice of that during the tour. You have a good way of using the dialogue for more than just information, but for also letting the characters explain the setting - it's a great way of using it! :)About the "tour" scene...I had a slight problem with it. Because while you're setting up the area that I'm assuming the story is going to take place in the most, I didn't feel the tension Julie might have been feeling. I mean, she's just seen him after so long...and then, suddenly, she's just giving him a tour. Wouldn't she be a little tense? Wouldn't she be feeling his body and his eyes on her? I wish I knew more of what she is feeling in that scene, because it has such great potential in bringing out intense tension. :)
Excellent dialogue.Your flashbacks are perfectly timed, and I really like the transitions you use to go back and forth between flashbacks and present time.
When she walks him through the theater, it REALLY slows down. You go into too much detail (its very vivid and I really like the theater you've described, but its too long).Other than that, your flashbacks are perfectly timed and the perfect length. You give me just enough of the story/background/characterization to leave me desperate for the next flashback.
You focus on the setting of the theater a little too much. Particularly if you want to cut your overall word count down, you could cut some of this extraneous stuff out but still keep the overall feel of the theater.You skip over everyone's physical descriptions. I have no idea what anyone looks like.It's clear you have a background in theater and set design, and all those little details are fascinating. (Make sure you don't over-do it, cuz you could lose some readers)
There’s a story here, but there’s way too much information in the prologue and chapter to digest. And while there’s a lot of information, there’s not a big crisis that I see that needs to be resolved between the characters. The “old flame” romance novels are tricky, because there is so much history. And I can see why it would be tempting to smoosh it into the first part of the book. Take your time. I’m not connecting with Julie or Chris. Right now, Chris is just sort of coming across as this jerk who slept with Julie, started seeing someone else and she got ticked off about it and … poof! And Julie is coming across as a woman who, at one point, had far more invested in Chris than he had in her (ouch!). A woman who, after years, is still eating bitter grapes. While that’s a certain type of drama, it’s typical drama. The novel has too much of a “this was a real story” feel, which takes away from its mystique. If there’s a bigger conflict between the characters other than he (kinda-sorta) left her behind and now he’s come back, it’s not coming through. Right now, I don’t know what he’s done to make her hate him so much. If it’s him getting her pregnant and then saying “See ya,” I can see why she’d be royally ticked. But it doesn’t make him a very sympathetic character, or her a very smart one. Just something to consider.
The pacing feels disjointed. I feel like I’m being knocked forward and backward into the past. There’s a lot of “tell” in your flashbacks. I think that these can be used efficiently, but when they are, there still needs to be a lot of action and dialogue. Right now, they come across as a vehicle used to explain what’s going on. You can incorporate most of this information throughout the novel so that revelations come slowly and don’t smack the reader right in the face. (Make sense?)If you use an initial prologue where Chris is leaving, don’t drag it out too much. What really struck me was that Julie knew that this would be the last time she saw him. Anyone who’s ever broken up with somebody knows what that’s like – watching their car drive away for the last time. Once he starts calling her and her looking for him, it turns into a “Whoops, well -- no, really didn’t mean it!” sort of moment to me. And this is where I start to wonder if this isn’t something that happened IRL. If you want to show this pair part company, be brutal.
I really like the setting, simply because it’s extremely different from the usual fare. I would caution you, though, not to go into such minute detail when you describe where Julie works. I sort of feel like I’m being given a long visual tour, and I don’t think that’s what you want to project. The theatre is exciting because it has its own strange vibe that only insiders really get. The movie “All About Eve” managed to convey the world of stage actors by letting the viewer see the energy of this world – and the atmosphere. Less detail means more mystery.
Overall, there's a compelling plot line here with the possibility of two people reuniting over lost time. You have a nice sense of humor, especially in Julie's interaction with Alex.However, right off the bat, I don't feel attachment to the heroine. Stalker Mode and psycho calling doesn't help the reader feel empathy for her. Some sentences are repetitive. (She didn't know what to say, anyway. She was not in a position to say anything). All these says and no real need for both sentences. Many sentences left me confused. You alternate between too much information and not enough. There's good here, but it's buried under some of the afore mentioned problem areas.
The flashback to begin with was somewhat confusing. And she knew he wasn't coming back, but he calls? I think I need more information right off the bat. Not all information no action, just a little bit more information and reasoning behind WHY Julie behaves the way she does. I don't want to start a story confused. I think that affects the pacing of how I read. Then after a few pages, the info dump of who they are. I think you could interweave a lot of that information into their first meeting again after so long rather than chop up the pacing into another flashback. Once you get past those two flashbacks, the pacing really picks up and I'm following along much better. I'd see if you can't get rid of the flashback all together, or keep the flashback all in the prologue. I would also suggest trying to read your work out loud, it might help with some of those confusing sentences.
I think theatre is a great setting for any kind of drama, and you obviously have the background and are knowledgeable about it. Well done. Knowing that Julie and Chris will have to work together in this space makes the setting even more important and a big strength for the story overall.
I understand about word count. Do a search for "Had" and cut about 90% of them, they're not usually needed, use stronger verbs to get rid of 'had'. Then cut unnecessary adjectives or adverbs in favor of stronger nouns/verbs.
You mentioned an unplanned pregnancy in a flashback but no outcome/resolution to that. Should we be expecting a midlife crisis because she didn't tell him about an abortion? Is there a little Chris running around out there? Did this have something to do with her falling in love/confessional/his lack of response?The POV switchs to Chris was unexpected. Usually there's a warning for a POV change, either a chapter or scene break.
I'm not sure why there's a cast list. Books don't usually have them anymore, character development comes as you read and you did that fine.Love that she's nervous when he returns and apologized to the saw. The flashbacks were fine, the first chapter looked like it got duplicated in the upload.
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