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When Emily's friend, Beth, is abducted by a cult of albinos called the White Rabbits she feels compelled to get her back. Emily accepts the help of a bizarre and lethal woman named Alice, who leads her on a journey that will challenge her belief between reality and fantasy. Alice explains that Lewis Carroll's classic isn't fiction but a deadly fact and Emily is their next target. Alice's outrageous tale becomes too true when Emily is tricked into Wonderland by a White Rabbit and ordered beheaded by the Queen of Hearts. Emily must overcome her insecurities to find the strength and courage to save Beth, Alice, and herself.
After much delay and reconsideration I have reposted the new beginning to RABBIT SLAYER. This opening is completely different than what of the commenters have read before. Please read with a fresh look. Granted there are some editing concerns, those will be corrected shortly. Note also that this is the story that is now agented. I may post up to three chapters, but no more. I hope you enjoy.
Hi Mark,I really enjoyed your idea, very intriguing. I think you're on a good track, both with the story itself and with the idea that you're going to do a big rewrite, because while interesting, as it currently appears I'm having trouble maintaining interest. However, right now, I would advise you to keep going, keep writing, plunge ahead, don't worry about fixing the beginning now, finish the story first... You can always go back later and sometimes edits become much more clear when you have a glimpse at the larger picture, you know? So that's my advice: A good start, but needs work, but then...name a first draft that doesn't, right? Keep writing, edit later. Don't stop. Don't look back. Edit later. Keep going or risk losing momentum and then... death... of your story.From here on out, moving forward, I want more of a complete picture of what's going on and where everything is happening. Show versus Tell, right? And focus on distinct voices and characters, I want to know them from their actions, from what they say and what they look like, before you actually tell me their history.Good luck!Also, most importantly, your first sentence needs work.
Pick your main characters and describe them in a few words. Then write them that way. Distinct. Consistant. As they are now, they kind of blend.
I don't think I read enough to really say. Besides, I'm a fan of letting that happen over the course of the tale.
I'm glad you are still working on this story. I know these suggestions are coming late to your rewrite, but the story is too interesting to stop, and I want to add some reviews to my list.The jump from Emily to Alice is a bit confusing. The majority of the chapters are from Emily's POV, then suddenly we are in Alice. Trading POV is a great technique, but it is either done consistently, or not at all
Here was the biggest problem. The voice of Emily and Alice were very similar. In fact, if we didn't have the constant physical descriptions--mostly about hair--it would be difficult to tell them apart just by speech.
Normally I'd say its too soon to see much in character development. Yet Emily develops, perhaps too quickly. She goes from being scared and reacting to ending the 3rd chapter taking action.
Be wary of your words.'documented the same random patterns' - are they random or the same?
Needs editing. Very choppy and repeditive. keep working on it
Sometimes a character makes for a cliffhanger but not in this situation where you dont even know them.
I really like your take on Alice in Wonderland. I always find in interesting when people can really make it their own. That being said, It does start off a little clumsy but really starts to take its own in the third chapter. I would watch how much you show vs. tell particularly in the second chapter, but I feel this piece has really awesome potential.
Again, your true voice doesn't really seem to appear until the third chapter. Before then, its sort of hidden, only coming out here or there particularly when action is involved.
Your characters, for the most part are good. They are their own people and drastically different. Neko's character, I felt was a bit forced like maybe he wasn't quite cooperating. Alice is quickly becoming my favorite. Gotta love chicks who can slash and maim, then get a makeover from a 16 year old. Emily, I wasn't so sure about but she too is starting to blossom.
I love, love, love the twist on Alice in Wonderland. If you redo the first chapters, I think a little more back story early on would be nice.
This is more a comment on the voice of the character than your voice as a writer. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish whose head I'm in -- Emily or Alice's. There were a couple of parts where the scene began as Alice, but melded into Emily. If that makes sense.
With only three chapters, it's really hard to comment on character development.
This is a good start. I'm very curious to see how you bring in the other characters from the original, and I'm enjoying the way you're working in the ones so far. Very original.
You have a good start. But the repetitiveness of some of the words (albino, hallucinations, the girl, etc.) tend to pull me out of the story. Also, some of the word choice (swooned, etc.) gives me pause.
Emily seems to be going somewhere. It's a little difficult to judge based on the few chapters I read, but I'm interested in seeing where you take her.
The premise is very engaging. I love Alice in Wonderland, and I would love to see it redone in urban fantasy form. It's original, and a great concept.I don't know if this is an effect of the formatting, but there seem to be quite a few grammatical errors, from not haviing commas where they need to be to having the wrong tense of words. If it's not a bi product of formatting, I would work on grammar because there's nothing that jars me out of a story quicker. Does Emily have OCD? I don't know too many teens who are that concerned about hygiene. What city is this set in? I would like a point of reference.I can't see subway cars clattering like a herd of elephants. I also don't know of many subways that are slow and methodical. I love your description of Neko, and I really like his character.Much of the action taking place in the subway (underground like a rabbit hole) is great. But I found myself getting a little confused in the first fight scene. Emily was in the bathroom, then she wasn't, I hadn't realized the rabbits had gotten away with her friend because the last I remember, they had dropped her.
For the most part, voice is fine. Again, the grammatical errors get in the way here.
This is what I get from Emily--somewhat neurotic 16 year old who has just lost her friend.Alice is a little more muddled. There are times when she sounds much like Emily. I don't really have a feeling for how old Alice is. I didn't even think she was an adult until Emily said so. I would also like more description of Alice. Pretty much all I know is that she has Carribbean blue eyes. If she can break the neck of a rabbit, I would also expect her to be a bit more hard and harsh than she is. Your description of Neko is very good.
Frabjous twist on a familiar theme. You've created a real page-turner and I love it. I would encourage you to maybe read the story aloud or have someone proof for you. Check for grammar, commas, sentence fragments, etc. There are some true narrative gems in your story as well. For examples, the description of the Baker Park Hotel's perceived fight to stay alive, and the description of the cyber cafe's patrons - beautiful! More~!
Emily, at the beginning is a bit weak, but Alice's head is clearer. Of course, if that's character-based, then just ignore me, lol. POV shifts are done fairly well.
I would like to have a little more insight on Emily near the beginning that would give me more understanding of her behavior in the sub car as well as in the station and at Alice's. Emily seems to not question much, and stays with a stranger without much concern. Alice herself is very well-developed from her first entrance into the story. Neko is perfectly maddening - great job with him!
This seems like an interesting idea - I love fairy tales, and Alice in Wonderland was one of my favourite stories as a kid, so updating it as an urban fantasy seems fun. The narration needs a little work, as I mentioned in my comments on Voice, but overall it seems like it could be a really strong piece of work when it's finished.
I feel like you do too much telling instead of showing. In chapter 1, you want to convey just how surreal everything is, but you're really beating us over the head with it in the narration. For example, you don't need to say that the albino's face is surreal, because the way you describe it is surreal enough. If you're going for magical realism, you don't really need to keep mentioning how weird and surreal things are, just give the audience the benefit of the doubt and let them experience it in the same, weird, fever dream way as the protagonist does. The second and third chapters are much better voice- and narration-wise, but you get a little flowery with descriptions sometimes, which can be somewhat distracting, so you may want to tone that down a little.
I like the character of Emily, I think you did a good job of capturing that line between naivete and street smarts that most teenagers that age seem to straddle. I found Alice to be alittle condescending towards Emily, with the wanting to call her parents bit, but perhaps that was deliberate? Obviously, I assume she's meant to be a bit more mysterious, so there hasn't been as much opportunity to develop her character yet.
I agree with the other reviewers who recommended cutting the first sentence. I think starting in the subway and jumping into Emily's POV right away would make it stronger. As I read I find I'm more drawn to Alice than Emily or any of her friends. Is your heart intent on Emily as the POV character? It could still be her story, but it almost seems like Alice would be the stronger POV character to use. Just my opinion, of course, but the MC doesn't necessarily have to be the character whose voice narrates the story.I'm intrigued. I want to read more, but as it stands I might not continue if I had bought this at a bookstore because I don't have a solid reason to care about the characters. I'm more intrigued by how the story relates to, is informed by, and yet stands apart from Carroll's original stories.
Like others have said, I feel like Alice has the most distinct voice. It grates on me after a while, but it's unique to her and tells me exactly who is speaking. The teens blend together and mix in my mind, making it very difficult to follow them when they're in a group at the beginning. Emily's voice feels bland and blase, not something I would expect of a teenager.
Alice feels the most 3D to me. Perhaps this is a factor of having so much to go off of, with past reincarnations of Alice in Wonderland in my head. She seems on first impression to be a meatier character, one who has a lot more backstory to add to and complicate whatever plot is going on in the book. The younger characters feel flat by comparison. It's obviously very difficult to determine effective character development off the first three chapters of a novel-length story, but Alice seems the furthest along as far as being a sympathetic, fully-realized character.
I read about 40% of what's posted, so this review is based only on that portion. The concept, from what I gathered, is very interesting. I think there's a lot of potential here, and with some work it could be a very marketable book. Stories based on the classics are really popular at the moment, and seem like they'll continue to be so for awhile at least.On the downside, this needs some pretty heavy copyediting, and the dialogue throughout most of it is unrealistic and doesn't give a sense of who the characters are.
I didn't get much of a sense of voice here. The prose is stilted in places, and borders on sounding academic. One technique you might consider is to read your work aloud (if you haven't already) to pick up on the way things sound, and to find better phrasing for certain passages.
I got no sense of who the characters are. The four teenagers at the beginning are introduced in a very jarring way, and we get no sense of who they are or what their relationships are to one another. I got no sense of depth from any of them, or from Alice later on. The White Rabbits also seemed very one-dimensional. I think this is currently the biggest weakness of the work.The dialogue among the characters seems entirely interchangeable. There's no distinct personality shining through for any of them, which makes them hard to relate to and sympathize with.
Chapter 1 review only... (time is my enemy) and this is my 2nd attempt, as my first didn't post with the line-by-line details, but this is a fair recap, I think.Always nice to see fairy tales retold, especially in modern subways. There is some word repetition and re--reading it looking for those would firm up the work. A few spots which would be greatly improved by tightening.It bothered me that her friend in the bathroom is in trouble and Emily is sweating out the details off touching the bathroom door. It could have been a cute crazy moment, but it just didn't play in this format. Fear for her friend, fear for her own physical wellbeing yes, but of germs on the door? She can wash up later... :-)Also I became quite lost in the physicality of the bathroom fight. How many albinos are in there for example. You tell us about one albino and then you have Emily say a gang, which I didn't see. Then there was the confusion over the albino from the subway--was it the one with Beth initially? See my problem? Will be a great tense scene once you've straightened that out for me.
I enjoyed the voice of Emily and would read more, although I felt the need to know even more about who she is as she works her way through this exciting action.
Emily is coming along nicely and I enjoyed the tiny bit with the lovebird friends, but Beth is still a mystery to me. By the end of chapter 1, I felt the need to understand this fellow adventurer.
There were a couple of places that needed a copy edit (missing letters, homonym mistakes, etc.), but overall this was a riveting story. The action in the first chapter was a little confusing, since there seemed to be a lot of characters thrown at us at once. Alice asks Emily (in ch.2) whether she noticed anyone following them after the rave, but I didn't recall a rave mentioned in Chapter 1, so wasn't sure if that was supposed to be like that. When you mentioned it again in Chapter 3, I got really confused. I'm stopping reading only because reading on the computer gives me a headach. I'm interested in seeing where this goes, and think it's a great twist on the fairy tale.
I liked the voice of Alice, overall, but her constant use of "Hun" got annoying by the middle of Chapter 2. I couldn't really get a handle on Emily's voice, honestly.
Similar to my comments on voice, I liked Alice's character, but still don't have a good idea of Emily. She doesn't *seem* 17, but I'm basing that on other books with 17-year-old characters. She seems more mature, if only by a few years, but there's no explanation about why she might be more mature (i.e., parents allowing her more independence--which seems likely, given that they're on a cruise, or she's well-read, or something like that).
Always intrigued by fairy tale remakes, so let's see. I think the first sentence could actually be deleted. It's trying too hard. Maybe just open with the albino on the subway, and let the reader become curious about who/what, etc. automatically without trying to force a sense of weirdness.Who is Emily? Her abrupt appearance almost made me think she was the albino, except for the gender issue. We need to be fixed in her perspective more clearly, in my opinion, to reduce confusion. Good quick escalation of events. Not much time lapse until things get frantic. The writing is strong and conveys the action well, though it looks like it could use another round of polish/copyediting. Caught the occasional spelling error or "your/you're" slipup, as well as missing commas and other teensy errors that kept kicking me out of the story.
Flows pretty well. We get a fast sense of the type of story this is. A fantasy adventure with the real world beginning to mingle with the weird.
The characters work well enough, though sometimes the dialogue comes across a bit stilted. Also, when Alice comes into play, the sudden injection of her perspective and backstory threw me a bit. Giving the reader a lot of details about her up-front, versus letting us discover them through Emily's eyes removes some of the tension and mystery that I think would work in your favor.
Dear “Mark”, of course I know you from the workshop, but I’m not sure if I’ve heard you read. I know I haven’t heard the book from the beginning. I like it very much. Interesting ideas. Quite a few typos, though, and word echoes. What I remember now is “your” for you’re” and you call Emily a “teenager” quite a lot. I think the action scenes are nice and tense, but you know I love all that scene building “literary” stuff no one else reads. I think it might help you to put in a little more description in the opening sequence. For example, I was rather annoyed to learn that Emily wasn’t by herself in the subway, but there with a friend. And then the “love birds”? I was totally lost and had to start over. I’m not asking you for pages of description, just bit more here and there to let us old folks know where we are.
I hate to bring this up as I am having lots of problems with the very same thing, but I think you are going to have to decide on one narrator: Emily or Alice. I like Alice best.
More on Alice and the cat. I want to know more about the cat.
Greetings!I don't typically read Urban Fantasy, but the title caught my attention and I thought that I would give this story a try.Overall, I found the general writing style of this piece to be alright. However, I couldn't get around the fact that Emily is such a coward. I wasn't able to get around the character's paranoia to find something to really like about her.I started losing interest during chapter 2.I am giving a neutral ranking because I am not sure exactly why this story did not hold my interest.
The general voice of your writing seems fine to me. There was only one thing that jumped out at me. There is a bit of telling versus showing that may be part to blame for knocking me out of interest of the story. For example, you tell us that Emily "Instinctively she turned". While I don't hate the use of -ly in writing, I would much rather if she had just turned. You follow up with "People. Lots of People."Crowds tend to have people. What is so special about these people? Just something to think about.There is a lot of potential in your voice and general writing style.
As a character, I liked Alice far, far more than Emily. Alice seems strong and kind, justice and ruthlessness tempered with mercy. Emily, on the other hand, got to be almost annoying in how she is trying to be all that and a cup of coffee plus being different on top of it. This combination, coupled with her inability to handle the choices she made regarding her appearance, just strikes a nerve for me. Emily represents that kind of character that I often love to hate in the urban and contemporary fiction I do read.I am rating this at four stars because Alice is the reason I kept holding on. She was interesting. I honestly wish that the main character here was Alice because I think I would have been far more hooked if it was *Alice's* story rather than Emily's.I am rating this four stars out of five because of my liking for Alice and how interesting of a character that she is.
I love the concept here--such a clever and fun way to explore Lewis Carroll's classic tale! In a way it reminds me of the graphic novel "Fables" for that aspect of the premise alone (which is a great allusion to have because they ROCK), but much more subtle. Umm and I love what you've done with the Cheshire Cat and Neko. Very creative.The thing that is really nagging at me about this one though is its categorization. I wouldn't call this urban fantasy, despite it taking place in an urban setting. It feels more horror to me, or even supernatural thriller--but it doesn't quite hit those genres head-on either. Then I thought Slipstream/Interstices but this one has a more commercial tone than that genre in general. This is a tricky one to place, for sure! Just something to ponder and discuss! Oh, also, given the age of your protagonist and your overall tone, you might want to tag this book with "YA content" to make it easier for the appropriate audience to find. :)
I'm not falling in love with the voice here as much as I had hoped. I think it has a lot to do with the over-usage of description throughout, which is bogging down your writing a bit and making it difficult to fully engage. I would also pay close attention to how you move from sentence to sentence. Right now the transitions feel a bit sudden and unnatural, which will effect the flow and rhythm of your voice pretty substantially. You definitely start to hit your stride though as you go--the voice smooths out with each chapter and becomes more engaging. This happens to most writers and the best thing to do would be to go back later and rewrite chapter one entirely once you've found your voice.
I think Emily and Beth have great potential here in chapter one. They are different enough to be distinct (just be sure to make a conscious effort to distinguish them more clearly through both action and dialogue) but not so different that the reader doesn't get why their friends. Rather than telling us that "Beth tended to be more easy going" you can show us in her mannerisms and words, for example. You could have her shrug off Emily's paranoia or roll her eyes, some sort of action to indicate her attitude toward worry, etc. Alice's character when we meet her in chapter two is really intriguing! She's quirky and tough, and she let's us get to know Emily even better by interaction. I can't tell how old Alice is though--at first I thought she was going to be a teen too, but then she acts like more of an adult figure to Emily. It'd be a good thing to clarify so that the reader has a better handle on who she is.I do feel, however, that you might be introducing too many characters in these early pages. There are a lot of people to keep track of and it makes your job even harder to develop them all enough that your reader cares about them. I'd suggest maybe focusing your first chapter on Emily and Beth to really get your reader interested. This is especially important since Beth is attacked so early on--the reader needs to care that she's in danger. Introducing so many main characters early on also makes it difficult for us to determine who the protagonist is. I know from your description that it's Emily but make sure that's what's coming across on the pages here. At first I thought it was Beth, then Emily, then Alice, then Emily again (so I got it, it just took me some internal debate). So really think about what you want your reader to take away from the pages and make sure it's getting from your head to the paper (a common problem, trust me!).
I definitely feel the sense of dread you're trying to establish! And I do like the premise of making over Alice in Wonderland as a horror/suspense novel. Good job! But you have some work to do here. The first sentence is unnecessary, really. Be careful overloading on adjectives, too. You have sixteen adjectives in the first paragraph alone; it detracts from the narrative flow. It also gives the impression that you're trying too hard; the overall effect is that it feels overwritten in places. I'd
I agree with Jason in that I didn't get a feel for your unique voice as a writer with this chapter.
I like the banter between Beth and Emily a lot, and I get a definite sense of who Emily is, so nice job there. But it's probably not a big enough sampling of your work to determine your strength at character development just yet.
First sentence = just okay for me. (I think this is the first chapter, right?) The hoody in the first paragraph casting a shadow over the occupant’s face seems over written. You say the hoody obscures his face and THEN tell me it’s hard to tell about the person inside. Take “Suddenly” out of the next paragraph. You never want to use the word if you can help it, especially in your first few pages. Would Beth really argue with her friend about being watched? On a subway? Wouldn’t she be a bit
Didn't get a good feeling of voice. The writing was fine the way it was, so no issues as far as i am concerned.
Character development starts off haphazardly, but then gets good for a while, but then gets inconsistent.
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