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Kate never expected her life to be anything but normal, but now, she's being pulled into a dark, supernatural world with a sexy vampire hunter as her guide.
I'm plugging away on this, slowly but surely. Right now I'm hoping y'all are just enjoying the early pages this first draft while I try to get the rest of it out of my head and onto the screen!
I am no expert on writing technique but I felt your writing was very pretty, eg the description of Kate looking at the painting in a trance and 'swimming in the crimson and copper hues'. The story it's self put me in mind of the fever series by Karen Marie Monning. I enjoyed the snippets of humour.
I found it a little bit hard to get to know Kate, maybe there could be a little more detail.
Again I am no expert but I did not have any issues with pacing as a reader.
Hello, Danielle-Since you're trying to help me get some chapters made visible, I thought I'd take a quick look at your visible chapters.So: this is all quite well put together, with a few minor quibbles over grammar and many more good turns of phrase. Kate's a good tough-gal character and the set-up into the action is just fine: no complaints there. I did find Ray's physical perfection a bit too much, though; it might be more effective if you were to play it down a bit and convey his difference to the reader in some other, less overt manner. Here's the most serious feedback I have, though: although I am not a reader of urban fantasy, I cannot help but think that I've seen this story already...all of our narratives are, at their most basic, recycled, but the author's task is often to take old stories and give them new lives. What could you do that will preserve your story but give it an element of something that nobody's seen before? Could you remake your vampires into something other than fanged bloodsuckers, for example? Since this is not my genre, I've got not a lot to offer in this regard...but since the market is just FLOODED with sexy vampire stories, I'd say that you'll have to really add something never-before seen to make a work like this conceptually stand out.
No complaints here. You do a fine job of giving Kate a bit of edge right off the bat...
The pacing, and all the workmanlike elements, are just fine. You certainly write well enough to pull this off--I just think (humbly) that you need to write a story that nobody's seen before.
Narration:You've a deft hand when it comes to creating atmosphere. I especially like the line at 17%: Champagne glass clinked and hushed voices...27%: Are the images of blood, rain, and empty street corners flashing through her mind related to the painting?42%: A subjective note, but what about "thankful for the loaded .38 tucked in her bag". My eye tripped over this sentence when I read it as is.Dialogue:Sharp and funny.9%: Great exchange about the mess paying the bills.14%: Might just be me, but the action with the mints is a little confusing, and stops the narrative. I found myself rereading it and breaking down the action.The introduction of the gun at the outset really works to build anticipation. Makes me wonder what's out there.I enjoyed reading this and definitely think you should continue. :)
7%: Nice character moment with the chip in the hair.I like the fact that you reveal character through action and dialogue. But at 75%, I'm really starting to wonder who Kate is. What does she do?
You have a very brisk writing style that moves the story forward and keeps the readers interest. The one area where I was itching for the story to progress was in the art gallery after Ray's intro and the attack in the alley.
"Damn that girl could burn a hole in you when she wanted to." Chapter one.I believe this to be a thought; Possibly put in italics."Homing in on her destination, shezigzagged....." need a space here.Chapter two escaped me and I couldn't decipher whom was speaking to whom.Chapter three ..... "His (He) ran a hand up her bare arm......" I'm a little dissapointed that the writer commented that she wasn't sure about continueing this story. With the ability to put the story together from a dream and display it in written word is a gift that many wished they had. Doubting ones faith in whatever they are doing is self defeating. When a piece of art stems from an individuals mind it gives life to that art. It is not a frivolous matter to reject its existence.This story has potential and many avenues that it could travel down. Adeline could be a villain enticing Kate to a certain demise. The art gallery could be a host spot for ghouls and the paintings objects of interest that could lead Kate to a safe haven or a savior.The writer undoubtedly has the knack of describing what she sees in her mind.Though there is work to be done here I see no reason why this could not be turned into a completed novel.I would consider this a great outline to be filled in with patience and attention to detail.
Kate's personality shown through but her dimensions and stature could have been clarified. I was able to envision an ill clad teeny bopper of sorts chewing gum and talking street talk.I'm sure that in the development of this story this would be an easy descriptive tofill in.There is plenty of room for character backgrounds, descriptions and their individual stories; the ability of the writer to do so is quite obvious.
The quick pace is not unusual when trying to describe as quickly as you can what you are seeing. I like to put the words that describe what I hear in my head as fast as possible. I then return to each individual section and begin serious detailing.This is an excellent outline and I hope the writer continues with the effort to fashion it to its full potential.
It certainly has a good "hook", well done. I question the use of starting with a verb ending with a gerund. I would show her fear, hesitation, determination or some emotion just before she yanks open the drawer. Love the way you handle what she sorts through--tells the reader a lot about her without lengthy descriptions. I would reserve ebony for hair or skin color. "Black" will sound darker, more sinister.Sorry if I'm nit-picking, but I think you have earned the badge. Your writing is good.Fumbled with the other already implies she is in a hurry.Avoid the use of sound affects--Beeeeeeeep.not the sound of her footsteps, just her footsteps says it all. beware of the gerunds.No need to say "without a sound" if there is no dialogue.Avoid too many, he said/she said, use and action or emotion to indicate who is talking.Keep the same person's dialogue in the same paragraph, unless it's a very long paragraph or the new graph is for effect as used in a few place--nice there. When the same person's dialogue goes on a new line, the reader thinks it's another speaker. See, "Kate snapped open the compartment box..." then "Wow.... A space after Kate blacks out is right. New place, new time.If Ray says a wealthy buyer is coming, then he knows him--no need to say it.Italics implies thought, no need to say it. If the time, protagonist or place are the same, there is no need for double spaces or a symbol between.Vampire books are being churned out since "Twilight" I think this author has enough original thoughts to create a new type of monster--what about it, Danielle--will you take up the challenge?:-) I'm not going to nit-pick anymore. You have an idea of what I mean. Wonderful, original phrases throughout. It flows nicely--very well done.
Sorry. I have already mentioned POV problems above, but they are minor. The author sticks to the POV very well. To say "Ray must've nodded, is an assumption, leave it out. If his footsteps grow fainter the reader assumes he is agreeing and leaving.
Fast moving and concise. The story flows well and the author weaves wonderful images of settings and characters.The author is inclined to state the obvious.
Great Idea and execution. I really enjoyed reading your submission. Overall, it has great flow and a solid pace. Your usage of description has painted a great scene of which the characters can flourish. I especially love the language you used to descibe sound (ie; "The guttoral moan was steeped in pain...and there was something else... a suctioning sound. Like a dentist's office.). I love the little nuggets of phrases which add humor to this piece. Every page read through like a scene from a movie, which is good because I almost feel as if I am in the room with them. Your characters feel real to me, their interactions with the environment and with each other seem to be well within the actions expected. I did however in a few things that could be tweaked.I wasn't quite sure why Kate had not met Addy's roomate before. It seems like Kate and Addy has known each other for a while. Also had known him. So its seems kind of wierd to me that they had never met. This is something minor i know, and it doesnt as all affect the way the story reads, its just something that was a bit peculiar to me. I'm also not sure of the purpose for the mention of the wealthy arts collector in the story. It seems like when Addy finds Ray, and he says hes going to introduce her to him. they leave kate who bumps into carter who immediately asks for addy. Then kate goes to look for addy. Finds Ray, but doesnt find Addy. Then ofcourse kate find addy in the alley. It just seems weird to me that Kate just assumes to look for addy in the alley when she should have thought that addy would be with Ray talking to the collector. Again its something small, but i noticed that this information about the collector wasnt necessary. Then again there will be more to the story. Overall I really Enjoyed your submission. I definitely will love to see what you add to it. Keep on writing! I want to know what happens next!
Your point of view is appropriate I feel. It allows us to get to know kate from the writers point of view, so I get the feeling you really know who your character is and where you want her to go. It also allows you to reveal only what you want to about her personality without revealing too much. Plus your writing style allows for little snippets of points when we can get into her head which is nice.
Your Prose is very strong. You have wonderful vocabulary that is entertaining and appropriate. Honestly theres nothing tto say here. Your characters also have very strong voices, and i feel like each voice is unique in its own. I get a sense that the charaters are real so good job here.
There is no doubt I would enjoy this book as a whole. After a weak start, I was totally taken in by the story.
During the alley scene I was slightly confused who's head you were n, I had to go back and read in over.
At the very beginning I felt the dialog was not realistic. You really changed gears and made the scenes come alive.
This is a great start to the book. The writing is well thought out and interesting. I find myself being pulled in right away
The point of view is good. I think that third person is a good choice, because we still get several insights into Kate's mind, we're not completely in the dark.
I like that Kate is rather sassy and that at times she is sarcastic. I think that when someone can inject a humorous voice into things it makes it more interesting
Interesting characters. A few flow issues where a simple word change here or there would do wonders. I would definitely keep reading.
Good third person. I didn't notice any wobbling of POV.
Spunky - hinting at darkness to come.
You had plenty of beautiful gems in here. "Lights hadn't even been turned on, the darkness a familiar friend" - I loved this line.Hahaha I loved it when Addy plucked out a potato chip from her hair. It was hilarious. "...I really am a disaster," Kate laughed. Can you laugh a dialogue tag? I always thought you could only speak it, but maybe I just heard wrong. "Kate said as she swiped.." there were some instances, like here, where I don't think you need the "said" part. You could just have Kate swipe the gloss across her lips. We'll get she's the one who's talking that way. Addy and Kate's relationship is a lot of fun. I love how these two interact with each other, and I find myself smiling and laughing along the way which is always good. "Champagne glasses clinked..." I love this description. You def give us a good feel for the atmosphere. I loved it so much when she just got lost in the painting. That really opened the doors to your character's soul in a way. The description of the painting was very well done too."I figured you'd be on boyfriend duty--escorting..." I don't think you need to go on about what "boyfriend duty" is but just a personal opinion. "finds me and kills me" I would omit the first "me" I think it sounds better that way. Just a thought. Wow when it gets to the part where we hear Addy moan, that was all very intense and there was so much mystery there. I loved the dialogue here. "That won't do you any good, my love." So much mystery here!I liked the "color of goldenrod" description. Oooh vampires now? this is getting interesting. "his lover's body" for some reason I didn't like that. Idk maybe just "Addy's body" or just "Addy""His sexy grin..." I liked the emotions in this paragraph.
I think the point of view works but I did feel like I wanted a better feel for Kate's personality and interests. Addy seems to come through better than Kate with her artist job and all. Kate is still a mystery. I guess I'll just have to read on.
Your voice is pretty good. I honestly don't really know what advice I could give to you here.
I like the fact that this came to you in a dream, although the doppelganger would have been freaky. Some of my favorite scenes for my books have come from my dreams, though I've never had the opportunity to see any of the hot guys in person.Only a few pages in and I love your writing style, the way you describe the details pulls the reader in.Loved the "pillow creases on her cheek" part, reminded me of how I looked this morning.I really tried to find things to change to improve this as I read, but I came up empty. I'm still new at this reviewing thing, only been at it a few days, so I'm sure there are things others will see to give you better feedback. But this really sucked me in--probably a poor choice of words for a vampire story. I haven't yet given anyone a rating higher than 4 stars because I read that someone said to save 5 for something you would buy as is. This will be my first 5 star rating. I hope you continue writing this. Would love to have the full novel someday.After finishing all parts of this review, and reading back over them, I hate that it sounds overly gushing in some aspects, but this is actually right in line with the novels I've been reading lately. It's hard to find something to improve upon, especially until I get a little more used to doing these review. I hope there was still something in here to help you.
I felt the POV was great. You'd never know you don't write in this POV much. Again, becuase I knew this was something you wanted feedback for going into the reading, I tried to find room for improvement, but again found nothing.I read a lot of novels that are written from this POV, and I have to say that I can't tell the difference from those published works--by authors who regularly write in this POV--and your story. Therefore, another 5 star rating.
I would say there were some things here and there that were distinct to your writing, mostly in the contemporary language you used. It felt real and made me think of the characters as actual people, doing normal things we would all do--even though they were dealing with vampires and such. It was another piece of the puzzle that pulled me in, as I said in the overall, from the very beginning. Your voice isn't over-the-top, and it isn't boring, but somewhere perfectly in between. I'm sorry, I tried to find something to help strengthen this, but again came up empty. I would just say, in my opinion, keep up the good work. Another 5 stars.
Overall I will warn you I am not a fan of vampire novels. The market is so awash in them I hoping soon that a stake is driven into the heart of the genre. That being said, you have written well with only slight hiccups such as the voice in the beginning. I would like to see more of this book to see where it's going. Thank you for sharing your work.
This is third person done pretty well. I would like to see more character development but alas this is only one chapter. I'd like to see where it goes and see if Ray becomes something. The bit about leaving her mate in the alley bleeding was unsettling unless you explain this somehow, I see problems ahead.
At first the voices of the the two girls are hard to differentiate but I finally got it. Maybe it was the early hour in which I read it. Anyway, further on I thought it was well done.
Ok. I like it from the word go. The sentences are vivid with easy pictured images and lush but not overdone wording. (The nit-picky: 1. Kate's going from putting down her beer bottle to all of a sudden for no reason wanting to be near the back door seemed like a rough transition. 2. After 'Thank God." You need a space. Between familiar and voice you need a space.) I give this book an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10 !!! I'd definitely like to see more.
Like the point of view. Like the dialogue. Believable characters and development. Nice pace movement.
Voice of main character works well so far. I am enjoying Kate's blend of down to earth and funky.
So this is the second paranormal romance ive read and both have vampires. Thats a good thing because i didnt even think i was reading a romnace novel. (not that i expect hard core erotica in the first chapter). Its definitly a strong first chapter that gets right to the point of hunter vs vampire. Also a good cliffhanger with mutiple characters who have unfinished 'business'.Its professionally written and it seems like its already edited.
Even though its a third person narrative your MCs POV works great.If your good at writing first person then i would recommend that you include that strengh into your creation. (and you have) Maybe through the eyes of the antagonist? (even if its a subjective third person veiw)
Sometimes it seems like the only difference between first and third person is the use of 'I'.Like a first person narrative- you have given the MC a feeling of the senses around her.'the room found warmth in an aura of candle lit sconces' -the room finding warmth is just a third person way of telling us how she feels. nice.
This is great. The story really starts off with a bang and the action moves very quickly. The characters are established and the writing is evocative. Granted, I don't normally read this genre, but I would suggest perhaps slowing down the action a bit, or at least letting it breathe a bit more. We get from the alleyway to the auction room pretty quickly with little time for Kate to reflect on the shocking scene she just saw (though, naturally, she's in shock and she is literally racing).
The point of view is very good. We're able to get into Kate's head a bit and feel her excitement, shock, fear, etc. It's good because we are learning everything just as she does, which feels natural and lets us guess along with her.
The voice is great. The dialogue is natural and fits each character well. The description is wonderful and the author uses a wide variety of words, many of which are clever and great choices and spice up the story.
Well written with great attention to detail. Needs a careful edit. Sometimes you take an idea to far and the result is cheesy. You have cheesy-itis, making you a woman after my own heart :)Some of your dialogue needs paring down and some of the delivery of information through dialogue felt unnatural. I don't mind a quieter opening, myself, however I feel like we get a few pages in with no real conflict or tension. Perhaps it's not the best place to start your novel? (Though you absolutely have some great moments sprinkled throughout that perhaps can be saved and used later).Where did the tissue come from in the car? Most people I know don't keep tissues in their car. I realize some might, but it just felt a little too convenient.Look into punctuation, such as with introductory phrases.I like Addy's character and the way you've characterized her through her art, juxtaposing who she was/where she came from, to who she is/where she is now.Everytime we hit dialogue, the writing seems to get week again.I really like the way things pick up toward the end of this chapter, though I was suprised that Kate had a gun and it wasn't mentioned when she was leaving the house earlier.you use a lot of said bookisms that also detract frm the dialogue. Try to stick with said as much as possible--it's invisible.I gave this section 4 stars, but I really felt like 3 1/2 would be better. There are some big scale issues you need to look into and a few tiny small scale issues. But you're close to what I would call publishable, and I'm one of the pickiest people out there. Good luck with this.
Great. You write very well in close 3rd. You clearly are miles ahead of most writers.
Very strong, good verb choices. I felt like this was written by Kate, instead of by an Author pretending to be Kate.
Everything that has to be said has probably already been said in 27 reviews. Wow, this one's popular. I just have a few things bugging me and so wanted to ask:Why does Kate listen to Addy and go after Ray instead of calling 911? Her friend is bleeding to death, right? And she promised Addy's boy friend (who's probably too busy holding Addy's wound closed and thus unable to do much calling) that she was going to get help!While Kate gets lost in her search for Ray- Addy's bleeding away. Um, seems like a thoughtless thing to do after saving her friend from a vampire.Again, why doesn't she call out to Ray on the street? Really, why? Also there was no urgency in her search for him once she exited to the street.Why does Ray just hit her on the head with the 'I'm a Slayer of bad things' line? She can hardly believe in vampires- I thought her friend was in a critical state!- and he's trying to flirt and impress?Okay, that's it. The story was going really well for me till just after the attack. After that (at about 50%) all things went to hell.:(
Third person limited POV works well here. I like Kate and admire how quickly she reacted when she saw the attacker. After that though...like I said. *sigh*
The narrative is smooth and sometimes funny. The voice is good and strong. Once you take care of the problem areas, this should be a really good read. :)
Very intriguing. I like it. Thought it was a good start. My only concern is that she' would be more freaked and think of calling 911 if her friend were injured rather than following Ray.
Good POV. I had no doubt whose head I was in. Nice voice.
Good voice! Very intriguing. I really enjoyed this first chapter.
I like it a lot. I'm a Buffy fan so I'm the target audience. The first chapter packs in a lot of action in a short amount of time. Even the very beginning where Kate is just going to an art show is very active. The auction scene is very interesting and that's something I haven't seen too often. I like the characters of Kate and Ray. There is sort of a True Blood meets Buffy vibe going on. Kate is funny, spunky and loyal. Ray is dark, sexy and mysterious. The only thing is I've seen this before. The vampire attack, the whole crux of the scene is very familiar. There's enough here to keep me going forward, but I do question if this is going to bring anything new to the Buffy/Anita Blake/ a whole LOT of others genre.
The point of view works very well. It's very close to being 1st person and if the writer wanted to convert the story into first person it could be done easily. I don't think there is a real need to switch to 1st person. This is working fine as is. It keeps us focused on Kate. It gives us a good peak at her character. It makes the alley scene tense and the auction scene mysterious. The POV is one of the best things about this story.
There's good and there's bad. The good is the voice is easy, natural, has a good flow. There's just the right amount of humor so far. There's the right details. From Kate's appearance on the way to the show, we can tell a lot about her character. A few details about Ray really paint a clear picture.The bad, there's not a whole lot that's terribly original. The auction scene being the one exception. Usually it's the vampires meeting in secret to bid on rare items with unusual currency. This little bit implies the community of hunters is a lot more complex than the standard monk like Watchers organization. But besides everything else that happens in this bit is something I've seen before. It's very familiar. That worries me a little bit. Where's the big twist that's going to separate this from Buffy or Anita Blake or Dylan Dog. Even the way these events unfold is very familiar, the dark alley, the arrogant vamp laughing at a gun, the trail down a very dark and dangerous alley. The expectations need to be teased a little bit so fans like me are more interested and off guard.
This is definitely a YA read. The main character’s reaction to the situation she is in is not believable but her sarcasm is highly amusing. I do believe the story has potential if you were to elaborate more on the characters before the 'incident' this way people can appreciate Kate more.
The point of view is written very clearly & the main character has a strong voice. The believability of the Kate's reaction is where I think your biggest weaknes is & it affects other facets of the story.
Kate is a likeable character & there is obviously substance to her. Not everyone carries a gun on them, especially to an art gallery. It is clear that there is more to her then you have let on & it would be interesting to see how the story develops.
Just wanted to say I have no idea on paranormal romance which makes this even more exciting. Sometimes, I will just make a quick comment if I see an error somewhere, other times I will go further in detail.I laughed at the potato chip - nice!Just get ready, you mess...did you mean you're a mess? You mess - even for short talk seems too short.Hissing sound like a siphoning gasoline??? I think there are better ways to draw people to that. Hissing like a tire losing air, a snake, -- Try something that many people would know about.The only other thing that seemed out of place was the last paragraph: But hey? - sounds cliche and something you'd hear on tv, not in a book.Do women actually think of men as pretty?Her reaction to Ray being a hunter seemed underplayed. If I was in that situation I'd be like "What the hell you talking about?" even after witnessing what I did.Here is the best compliment I can give: I normally would never have touched anything tat said "Paranormal Romance" - I avoid like the plague. But after reading yours, I want to read more.
I hope you will forgive me. I am still learning the trick of offering advice. This is far from my genre, but I really like it.I followed the point of view very nicely. The images from the PoV were vivid and kept interest.
I never noticed this changing voice - so if it did - it was slight. I like the conversations as they brought life to the characters.
Interesting opening, with vivid descriptions, well done on a cool opening! Just a few points. Your tenses can be a little confusing; ie 'Kate's gaze swooped around the room' (it should be 'swept'). I'd love to see how Ray and Kate get together (they seem to 'click').I enjoyed what I read so far and would love to read more.
I think Kate's a likeable character, I definitely want to get to know her more. I like how she's happy-go-lucky (and that she recycles!). Her POV is very accessible, in short, I can empathise with and feel for the character, which is no mean feat. Great stuff so far!
I like Kate's feminine, slightly edgy voice. She cares about people around her (and the environment too!). I would like her curiosity to be verbalised more. Keep up the fab work!
This is a good, solid draft. It was easy to read, kept reasonable tension going throughout and did not lose my interest. That said, there were a few things that caught my attention. There were a few sections throughout where it really felt like you tried to use 'hip' language, or language popular with teens. It came across as contrived.I liked how you referred to empty beer bottles as empties. That was natural and realistic.The overall feedback on this gets four stars because it is easy to read, a fun read, but there are still sections that feel a little choppy. I did not get truly hooked until Kate started searching for Addy. This is where the tension peaked for me and had me hooked. The initial surge of interest was a little bit of a let down (the climax being that Kate was messy from getting out of bed...) but it was enough to keep me interested.
The point of view seems pretty stable throughout. There were a few sections where I started to notice the heavy use of His / Hers / Names as lead offs in sentences, and this distracted me enough from what was going on to keep maintaining the POV, since it would jump from Her to His, so when I would resume on 'His', I would mentally shift. Maybe this is my personal preference talking here, but sometimes I lose the mental image after enough generic His / Her comments.This gets four-stars. While the direct POV is quite strong, there were enough times where I had to slow down or stop altogether to give it a full five-stars.Your editing experience is quite obvious, and you do a good job in maintaining the POV and add just enough description to keep it moving forward.
There were some sections where the action felt a little stilted. You tried to jam as many little things into one sentence or phrase that it feels rushed. This was the weakest part of this story -- you have a fantastic plot, and I enjoyed Kate's character, although in a way I felt more for Abby because I am an artist and a writer.The weakest link seems to be in the action scenes, where your character is trying to do something in a tense moment. You're good at describing general motion, but the instant that things started getting tense, there were moments where the reading became choppy. On the grand scale, this is not a terrible problem, but it is the reason I'm giving this category three-stars.I wish you a lot of luck with this story. I quite enjoyed reading it. I would likely buy it in its current incarnation based off of this chapter because it was enough to keep me interested and entertained. You have an interesting foundation for Kate, and I want to see what happens to her.(PS, I didn't get much feeling for Ray. I liked Carter better.)
I know what a stressball is, but can a person be one? The pop references really work for your style of writing. I really liked it overall. I thought it was a really good intro.
I got confused between Kate and Addy's perspectives, they melded together in some areas (when they arrive at the gallery) otherwise I liked the 3rd person narrative.
It is a little confusing between Kate and Addy, I had trouble differentiating between them at first. Addy was strong for awhile then Kate took over. I really liked how you wrote Kate, she is identifiable. I like the way the characters speak to each other, it is natural
This was fun. I wish there was more, of course. What I liked most about it is the pace. It jumped right in and there was just enough information to keep me reading and not too much to make my head feel all woozy. I'm interested in this chemistry between Ray and Kate. And definitely interested in seeing where it leads them. ;)You also left me with so many questions, which I'm sure will be answered...but here they are anyways:Obviously Kate knows what's up. Does Carter, though? Ray gave a little hint to it, but then why was he so stunned at the alley? I could understand if he were a little dazed that it was happening to Addy, but maybe add a bit where he already reaches for her neck - as if expecting the injury to be there? (Again, I'm running on one little sentence that Ray said about Carter knowing what to do, so Carter could totally be in the dark about it, but I read it that he did know about the vamps). Also, Kate having a gun in her bag felt to be a little too coincidental. Maybe throw in that while she was zipping out of her apartment she double checked for the .38? Again, just a suggestion, since I read it to be perfect that she would carry something like that. (Obviously it might come in handy). I want to get to know Kate's past like...now. ha! The moment the narrator divulged that too many of the people she loved have been hurt, a little light popped on in my head - a noted mystery about the character! Fun times. :)Also, this line has me feeling a little off: "That was a vampi- wait, wait, how could that have been a vampire? No way, I must've-" I get that she's rambling, as any sensible person would be. But, honestly, she doesn't seem to be the type of girl who would outright say "vampire." She has a gun to protect from human bad guys. She also has this badass feel to her. And she seems to be way too down to earth to even utter the word without talking about a movie/book. But, that's just how I've read her...maybe she's a fan of Buffy. It's something I don't know, and I'm only running this opinion based on the first chapter. :)I can't wait to read more! :D
I like the third person! It's fun, indeed. Also, you're maintaining a close third, which is working great in the story's favor considering we're getting snippets of the MC while also having a bird's eye view at times. So far, I think you're working the POV just fine. :)
I'm a fan of the voice! It's fun and entertaining. It's a voice of the character more than a narrator. I get more out of Kate from the voice than I do anything else. There's sarcasm and there's banter. Like I've already said: it's fun! Since it's the first chapter, I have nothing really more to contribute to it. I like the tension displayed in the tone when around Ray, so far. I guess I wish there was more skepticism in there. I mean...not every day we run across vampires. Haha. I have to admit, I liked the bit where she questions herself ( "...without getting her head examined, but she didn't think arguing with the seemingly impossible would be very fruitful.") I thought that was much more real and much more Kate. I hope to get more of that later on. I just hope there will be more soon. haha! :)
I think this is a good start, a way of feeling your way around the characters and setting.For me, a lot of this happens too quick. I don't have a good sense of the world as it is before it gets twisted. She calmly believes all this stuff and then calmly accepts Ray knows about them. There needs to be more lead-up, more of a sense of weird before Ah--I don't have a sense that the vamp and Ray are inevitable. It's too easy, there's no conflict, Kate's dragged along and *poof* all this just happens and it's okay, she believes it.Who is she? What does she want and why can't she have it? Where does this take place? Why is she friends with Addy? Oh, that's another thing--I don't have a good sense of her relationship with Addy, therefore I'm not heartbroken or worried when Addy meets the vampire, and I should be.Same with Ray--it's more that I'm being told he's sexy, she likes him, but I want to *feel* it and I don't.At this point, I'm not sure what the auction house/coven/portal into another world is for. I don't know what it is; I can't tell if this is happening in the real world or if she found a crack in the space/time continuum. Right now it's acting as an event to add to the weird, but there's no conflict or danger to Kate with it so I wonder what it's for. She goes to find Ray, but she could find him anywhere.
Point of view is generally fine, but sentence construction could be varied for a smoother voice. Quite a few of them start he/she/it/the. A lot of the descriptions are passive, like when she first goes in the auction house--"tapestries were draped" "chairs were filled," etc. Could be more active to be more exciting.
Somehow I'm not getting any emotions from her. She's emoting it on occasion, but I'm not feeling it. Maybe it's the way she reacts to events that doesn't feel quite right.Like the last sentence; I understand what you're trying to go for with the voice to make her kind of sassy with a bit of humor, but it falls flat because her character isn't at threat of reacting anything like that for the rest of the chapter.One minor thing--it took me a long time to figure out when the vampire vanished, mostly because of the sentence construction. "By the time she opened her eyes, he was gone." would make it stand out better. End with the strongest word.
I found this to be choppy and unbelievable. I couldnt get a sense of the ages of these characters. Either they are late teens or older, your mixture of language was confusing, also you jump tenses. Spinning as opposed to spun, her gaze swooped . You need to define why her friend is dying in the alley and she takes off to follow a heeled figure and doesnt call for an ambulance. This needs some work, i would get rid of the opening and start at the action, but you need to make this believable since it's taking place in urban setting.Otherwise there is a good story to be told and once this was cleaned up and read smoother I would keep reading.
I was okay with POV, but I would find this story to be much more believable in 1st person.
The voice was alright, but I couldnt get a feel of the age of the MC. Her clothes and some of her dialog was young but not consistant.
I was really enjoying this up through the bite until the MC starts to talk to Ray. I hate to say this, but Ray's dialog kind of pulled me out of the story right about at the point where he gave a low chuckle. From there on it just seemed very unrealistic. (I know, vampires and biting and fights and I say a character is unrealistic of all things!)
I like the point of view character. I think you do a pretty decent job of staying in her perspective.
Up until Ray enters the picture, I'd say the voice is strong and engaging. Ray isn't hitting me as a genuine person. It seems to take a very surreal turn at this point. I don't feel like it's realistic and it broke my suspension of disbelief pretty fast. I'm wondering if you're trying to force the attraction between them too fast - sort of trying too hard to make Ray "hot" but it's not working for me. Especially since he doesn't seem to have any concern for Addy nor does he hesitate to drop this big bombshell about being a vampire hunter. I think this is easily fixed, however. Also it's just my opinion so maybe I'm dead wrong! Either way, much luck.
The very beginning scene hooked me right in. I love the description of Kate and her friend Addy as they go off to a gallery. You also do a great job showing us Ray. The emotions that go through back women is show in such a way I could see him too.What I did have problems with is how fast the story went from being at the gallery, seeing Addy be attacked, then running off to find Ray at an auction, and ending with backstory about Hunters. I felt this was a little too rushed and slowed down the pacing of an otherwise very engaging story. But these issues are very fixable. I think you can weave in the backstory and set up more about the attack and not tell us right off that it's a vampire or that Ray is the sexy vampire hunter.I really enjoyed what I read so far and am curious where you go with this.
Great POV. There's no head hopping but you stay consistent throughout.
Love the voice! I was hooked right at the very beginning.
Hi Danielle. I don't normally read paranormal romance, but I did find myself engaged with your main character and her best friend. I was kind of hoping that the villain wouldn't be a vampire, but again, I have read lightly in this genre. Still, the conflict is good and the characters are engaging.
The point-of-view worked for me throughout, until we got to the auction scene where everyone is in robes and cloaks. I got a little confused there, especially since it comes after the first confrontation scene.
The voice is good. Your concerns about the third person are unfounded, I think you did a good job of making it work in the uploaded passages. You want to learn more about the MC and see how the conflict plays out.
I like this, Normally Im not a vampire book fan, but this is good and I would continue reading from here.
I like that you didnt di the first person POV, though you could and it would work as well.
for me it read a little young, as if you were writing for a older teen audience, though the snark and the language and gave it an adult air. As I started reading it, I thought It might have been YA, but changed my mind about 2 pages in.
Overall, this is really good. I'm intrigued by what's happening, and would definitely continue to read.With that said, I'm not getting a great sense of Kate's personality. With the combat boots and darkness at the beginning, I get the sense that she's this real kick-ass kind of girl. But then there are other parts where she seems a bit more uptight and straight-laced. It keeps going back and forth. While it's not entirely unbelievable that she holds all these traits, the way they're interspersed doesn't work for me.
For the most part, the POV is a consistent third limited. There are a few parts, though, where it deviates from this into third omniscient. Personally, I would stick to limited, removing/reworking the couple of omniscient bits.The part where it says "Kate snapped open the compartment door, set her bag down like it was her own little vanity-on-the-go, and flipped open the visor to use the mirror", it almost feels like it breaks from close third limited to third omniscient. The looking-in-the-mirror-and-describing-herself bit here is almost cliched, but given the circumstances it works. There's another break in POV here: "She didn't even realize that her boot had dug into his surprisingly tiny foot." If it's third limited, she wouldn't notice that she didn't realize (if that makes sense), or if his foot was tiny.
The voice is good, consistent, and gives some insight into who Kate is.
First, love the premise. And love Kate. I relate to the potato-chip-in-hair type of episodes. This is all very subjective, mind you, but I prefer reading books where the female protagonists aren’t sculpted beauties. Kate comes across as very real and likeable – the type of gal that you’d talk to at a gallery opening because she comes across as approachable. This is what I like to see in a lead character. She’s the strongest of your characters thus far. The one thing that I’d mention is the pacing. There’s a lot going on in the first chapter. Perhaps too much. I want a little more ambiance. A wee more set-up. Kate’s at the gallery opening, there’s a little bit of chit-chat, then she haps across Abby getting attacked by the vamp. Now, j’adore surprises. But this felt like sort of a sucker-punch. I’d like to see some lead in to the moment other than Carter asking Kate to go fetch her. That’s what felt like a set-up to me. I’d suggest a bit of creepy premonition here. Perhaps Addy is gone for a long time – usual, since it’s her little confab – and Kate knows this isn’t par for the course. I suggest creating the feeling of “Something isn’t right here …” Perhaps end Chapter one when Carter tells her to fetch Ray and impresses upon here that she must; then cut the Chapter Two when she’s fighting the masses in the gallery and tracking him down on the street. I also want to know more about the gallery and the people in attendance, because this is your first main scene. (I attend these openings frequently, and each has its own vibe -- sometimes more upscale, sometimes more Gen-X-ish and laid back, often very clique-ish.) When writing a novel about the paranormal, creating that initial atmosphere is really important, to my reader’s mind. When Kate was following Ray into the seedier element, I got a stronger whiff of the atmosphere you’re trying to create. Ray looks like a younger Ralph Fiennes in my mind’s eye. Sort of circa “Strange Days,” only with dreads. Which is a good thing, mind you. D’you really want to have Kate know what he looks like beforehand? I sort of think that it would be more compelling to have her meet him at the gallery for the first time so she could be gobsmacked by his strange gorgeousness, and the reader could experience this with her. Serious props for the dreads, BTW. :)
I’m definitely getting the sense that the events are unfolding in front of Kate’s eyes. Her perspective, her emotions, her reactions are solidly connected to the character. I notice this because I struggle to get this right! But I want to know more about Kate. I have an impression of her, but it’s the type of superficial impression that I get when I meet a new person at a social event. Maybe this is a case where just a little more backstory would be helpful in the beginning. What does Kate do? How does she feel about gallery openings – does she like them? Just humoring Addy and going along? Does she even like art? Like crowds? Like social events like this one? Kate obviously has a strong personality. I’d love to see a strong opinion to go along with it. ☺
The voice is sooooo *almost* there – I’d like to read a little more to see where it goes before I make an assessment on about voice, because this can change so frequently throughout a novel, depending on what’s going on. You probably can go darker during the vamp scenes – not the Anne Rice kinda dark, pls., thx! -- and Kate’s frenetic attempts to find Ray. She’s panicked. Scared. Worried about Addy. This part needs to be particularly emotive. MOAR fear!
I like it.As others have mentioned, I also think it starts slow. The opening scene does help you develop your characters some but it didn't really grab me (the opening scene). The description of the art gallery created a good visual, it was here that I started to create my mental images for your characters. I really enjoyed the buildup to the confrontation in the alley. For me, you made the interaction between Addy and the dominating Vampire sound very erotic. I wonder if Addy was a willing partner in the bloodlust or an outright victim. I wonder if Addy was out there sneaking a smoke and was attacked or if the Vampire seduced her from inside the gallery and brought her outside. I personally think there should be more disbelieve on the part of Kate, in regards to her discussion with Ray.I am looking forward to the next chapter.
Consistent. Strong. Kate had my attention the entire time. I was watching your movie through her eyes.
I felt the voice was was also consistent and strong. The way you are telling this story, the language you have selected, the interactions with other characters, all of these are comfortable for me, nothing feels wrong or out of place. You've created a character in Kate that I can relate to. She seems down to earth, cool, authentic. I am interested in her and her well being. Thanks for sharing.
Overall, I like this as a start to a book. I haven't read much romance in my reading career (blush too easily for that), but I've read plenty that had romantic elements, and plenty that had more fantastical elements. I'm liking the characters so far. I'm finding them very sympathetic in such a very short amount of narrative space. Which is great, because that would keep me reading if I'd bought this off the shelf at a bookstore. You do a great job at the descriptions. I can totally see the characters and the settings in my head just as if they were on a movie screen.
I feel like sometimes the point of view is a little too clinical, especially in describing the aftermath of Addy's attack. I get that point of view and voice are different, but they are linked at the same time. There are so many emotions running around, I just feel like Kate's point of view would be a little more invested in the moment, based on what I've read of her in this short excerpt. I like what Kate's heightened emotions do to her point of view in the narrative as she works her way back through the gallery to find Ray.
The voice is working pretty well, for me. I can definitely hear Kate and Addy as two distinct people. Which, at least for me, is always a more challenging element of writing. So great job there.
You hooked me on the second page with the potato chip. Kate is quirky and I found myself drawn into the story fast.
I'm not an English professor but I don't see any obvious POV violations.
I really like the way you set the scene and the characters are believable. You describe things so well I can picture the scene perfectly.
I'm not sure I have a good handle on the characters' physical characteristics, other than Ray's dreads, but I'm not sure if it's intentional. I thought this was very interesting and I'd definitely read more.
If you're meaning to keep close third POV, there was a slip or two (for example, when Ray explains he's a hunter, "Kate blinked at him, her big eyes wary..." where I thought, would she think her eyes were big and wary?). I like the use of third, and if it's not your usual style, you do it well.
LOVED the voice on this. It was consistent and worked well for the genre.
I really liked it :) Couple points:I think Kate believed it was a vampire wayyyy to easily. Are vampires fact of fiction in her world? You had a couple sentences of 'oh it can't be' then she was like, oh, ok I need to chase Ray, not call the cops, and tell him about a vampire during some type of weird auction that just happens to be going on.Also a bit put off by Ray's seeming lack of caring about Abby being attacked. But that may just be me reading too much into it and we'll find out why he's so casual about it next chapter.
POV was great, you gave us lots of sights/sounds/smells.
Voice was good as well. You did a good job of bringing Kate to life and giving her a soul and humor.
I think you've got a good start here. I would make one suggestion and maybe break up the opening scene. I have a suspension of disbelief issue with Kate leaving the art gallery and running through the streets to find Ray. Also, she seems a bit too accepting of what's happened. That being said, I loved the scene in the shop with the "auction" atmosphere as well as the description of the stake and jeweled knife. I think it would serve the story better to introduce this scene after Kate's secured help for her friend. Perhaps Ray's at the gallery, they help Kate and THEN she follows him into the seedy underworld of Vampires and Hunters.
I liked the third person point of view here. I thik para-romance in particular reads well in third person and it gives you the opportunity for multiple POV.
I liked the third person point of view here. I had the feeling you were holding back a bit. Don't be afraid to let your MC's character shine through the narrative.
Looks like a good start to a vampire story. The characters are introduced well, I can see and hear them easily and I am invested and interested in them.
POV works well. I think you did very well with the POV and description.
Voice was good, I can see hear and feel the descriptions and characters. I already have an idea about the main characters. I would keep reading.
You're a great writer. This story could start at the gallery though, in my opinion. That way it would move into the action faster. A Hunter huh? Yuuuuumy. Ice blue eyes? Dread locks? Dang woman, what did you eat the night you dreamed this?
Wished I knew what exactly you're wondering about on POV. Are you worried you head hopped or something? Didn't notice if you did. Oh wait, "Kate blinked at him, her big eyes wary as she bit her lip." might should be "Kate blinked at him, her eyes wide and wary as she bit her lip"? Instead of calling her own eyes big? Might be more of that kind of pov issue if it's here. Nothing to knock a score about.
Umm, I like that she's got this tough attitude and still has that female weakness. I'm definitely going to be thinking about this book when I go to bed. Sigh.
A few little things stick out: "big eyes wary as she bit her lip" - when I think of wary, I think squinty, appraising, not wide-eyed. Also, Kate goes from terrified for her friend, banging down doors to get to her and ready to blow a man's head off without any hesitation to chasing the white rabbit down his hole. There is a ticking clock in my head as the reader, but I don't feel that it's there for Kate. I love the pacing and I'm hooked early on. I really want to know if Addy's okay! Also, I'm interested in Kate's backstory as to other loved ones being taken away... and Ray's past/present intrigue me. Overall, a good start. Can't wait to see more.
P.O.V feels pretty solid at this point. I get that we're following Kate... I like the subtle hints as to who she is without long exposition ("someone out of Lord of the Rings", horror flicks, combat boots, tank top, beer at a champagne party etc). I get a really good idea of where she's coming from and I think you stay true to that.
I love the line, "This is how horror flicks start." For some reason that line, that insight into what Kate is thinking, is really in character. Overall, I think the voice is solid, but there are times when it seems forced. "BFF" seems out of place. I get the feeling you're trying to make her seem shallow here so we have a contrast to the depth she achieves later?
Ha! Very nice. Super fun. Love it! Felt a little anxious, myself.
The setting of the scene is great. The description of the scene rolls.
The voice was consistent, it was very clear. No need to worry.
Hey, Danielle. I like the upbeat, youthful quality of your writing. It's a bit over the top for me - such as the potato chip in the hair, but a fun read. I think you could work on the opening to make it more interesting. Starts a bit slow. I might even be tempted to skip the opening scene entirely and start in the action. But overall it's a decent start to a manuscript. Enjoyed reading it.
No problems here. I think you have POV downpat. I was never confused about which characters' heads I was in.
I like the voice. Feels very YA to me. Your descriptions are fresh and interesting - like 'swimming in the crimson and copper hues', but you tend to rely on a lot of cliches which detracts from the fresh quality of your voice.
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