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What if you awoke one day and found out you were a princess of a distant land? What if the balance of that land weighed on your shoulders?
This is still a work in progress; the manuscript is not complete.
"Hot iron" is a great way to start. Is the "something" in the opening lines sunshine? That used to be her great pleasure?
Your "hot iron" line gives me some confidence that I'm in good hands when it comes to this voice taking me through the story.
If you're writing about Emily from the first sentence, what do you think about including her name right away?
The beginning is confusing, which is a hard thing to overcome for a reader. If someone woke up on a hot beach and had no idea why, the last thing he or she would think about is why one of life's simple pleasures has changed. Most people would panic. So perhaps this character is accustomed to waking up in strange places, with no memory of how she got there?At any rate, I believe you need to rethink the opening few pages, as a start. You have a nice fantasy plot - girl discovers that she is the princess of a magical land - and this does not seem to me like the way to introduce the girl to the reader.
You seem to shift in and out of Emily's mind - sometimes her POV, sometimes a recap of events or facts that seem intrusive.
Too early to say. Emily's character is still a little confused and confusing, The shapeshifting dog is an interesting character to add to the mix, though.
Wow! A really fast paced and exciting story. I was thrown off however by the sudden relationship between Tanner and Emily (who knew each other for a day?) I think I would've liked to have been given a little more of Emily's feelings for him before she finds his in her appartment.
Personally, I love when the POV of a story changes because I feel it allows the reader to experience a different kind of depth pertaining to each character. However, I was a little jumbled with the changes of perspective (which is more likely my fault for becoming too used to writing in first person X3)
Like I mentioned before I would like to have been given a little more info about Emily and Tanner's relationship/back story before she finds him stabbed. However, I do love the descriptions. I hope to read more as you continue and discover more about your characters and this really cool story!
A very interesting story, with plenty of action. However, it seems that there are a few conflicting actions. For example, at Tanner's near-death scene, he is badly injured, yet has the strength to knock a cell phone out of Emily's hands.Once he is healed, Emily seems to only react with an almost primal fear, instead of joy over seeing someone she loved whole and well after near-death, although that could just be my own idea of how one would react. The dialogue seems to be a bit scripted, and the storyline a bit too familiar, but I can tell that there is an impressive amount of originality here. It would be nice to have a bit more background information on Emily, in order to really feel the impact of her breaking away from her old life, but other than that the story seems to be going quite well.
There seems to be more emphasis on telling the reader what is happening instead of describing the setting or action and letting them come to their own conclusions. Trust the reader, and add more detail when necessary to make sure that, upon reading, they will come to the conclusion that the dog is smart, someone broke in, etc.
There isn't much development so far, although because these are the first chapters, development isn't necessarily expected. However, I haven't read much about Emily the person, just Emily the-character-who-is-a-confused-girl-and-now-a-princess. What does she like? What is she like? What are her dreams, her passions, what has she lived through? It is important that the reader knows about the character in order to empathize with them, and so far Emily remains a complete enigma, other than that she is fom Nebraska, can shoot, and is really a princess.
In the forums you asked for reaction to using crutch words, so I came here to take a look. Forgive the lecture format, but I find it easier to give my reaction as I go, and comment on whatever hits me. I leave it to you to decide what, if anything, has value.• The sunshine on her face was starting to feel like a hot iron.As someone who just got here I have no context, so I must assign some. My guess is:1) She’s on the beach. 2) She’s lost in the desert. 3) She’s a migrant worker picking vegetables.Wherever she is, though, it appears she’s not happy to be there.My point is that I shouldn’t be guessing, but because you gave me effect without cause it’s all I can do. So the first line is confusing. It’s not to you, because you know the setting, and the woman, and what led to this. But since the story is for me, shouldn’t I be the one who knows the why’s of it.The short version: Were in her POV rather then yours, she would be noticing the sun and reacting to it in some way, so I might not know why she’s there, but I would know what’s meaningful enough to her to attract her attention.• What she couldn't figure out is how something that used to be one of her favorite simple pleasures suddenly caused her great discomfort. Still no context. Since I don’t know her situation telling me she used to enjoy whatever it is helps not at all. And again, this isn’t her noticing that and wondering, it’s you giving a summation. I don’t know what’s bothering her, or why it matters, because I don’t know who she is, where she is, or what’s going on. And when opening a scene those three things need to be at the top of your list. Why not use her name, rather then call her “she?” Why not say, “The late afternoon sun,” or “early morning sun,” rather than sunshine? Now we know when we are. Why not mention the sounds of children playing in the sand? That establishes location. Why not say, “relaxing on the beach used to be…” To bring the reader on board? It’s the subtext that tells the reader the setting, without having to be “told.”• Of course, many things had happened over the last few weeks that she simply couldn't explain.Again, we’re given effect but the cause is unknown. You, as yourself, are talking about things only you and the unknown, unnamed, woman understand. But the story is for me, isn’t it?- - - - - - - - - - -I’m hitting you over the head with this because the first paragraph is the single most important in the story. The reader, as yet, has only mild curiosity. This is where you begin to hook them. As Sol Stein observed, “A novel is like a car—it won’t go anywhere until you turn on the engine. The “engine” of both fiction and nonfiction is the point at which the reader makes the decision not to put the book down. The engine should start in the first three pages, the closer to the top of page one the better.”The problem, as I see it, is that what you’re providing is a transcription of you telling the story aloud. It’s how we all start writing because it’s what we know. But here’s the problem: You know the story. That might not seem a problem, but look at the opening. You’re talking about the story as if the reader knows it and the people in it, already—as you do.When you read it, even to yourself, the telling is filled with emotion. It’s carried in your tone and techniques of delivery, like little hesitations, facial expression, and your body language. Were you to deliver a line like, “Sam, you are a bastard,” the listener would know if the one speaking was angry, giving praise, or speaking literal fact. And, they would know it by either watching or listening—both impossible on the page. You know the state of mind of the speaker, and the one being spoken to, so you demonstrate that emotion as you speak, and it works. But as a reader what do I have but the emotionless words? Yes, you can add, “he said with a snarl,” and that tells me how it was spoken. But it tells me after I’ve read it and had to guess at what you wanted as I did.So how do we get around the problem? We make the reader know the character’s state of mind by knowing what’s motivating them. In other words, readers are “method,” actors.You’ve worked hard on this story. You’ve spent a lot of time and put a lot of yourself into it, so hitting you with this on the first paragraph is certainly not what you were hoping to hear. But there is an up side, in that what I’m getting at isn’t about the story, your potential, or anything but some missing tools.Over the centuries writers have been refining and developing ways of getting around the limitations of the media, while maximizing the strengths. And like any other profession there is a body of craft, specialized knowledge, and “trade secrets,” the professional must master. Part of the problem is that everyone writes, so because the name of the profession is writing we assume that means we’ve mastered the recording part of the game and need only work on, and refine, our storytelling skills. But as with any other profession, there’s a lot more.So, you have the desire. You have the story. You’ve demonstrated the perseverance to see it through. All that’s missing is a bit of specialized knowledge.The prescription: Begin with these articles. http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phphttp://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.htmlThey discuss two changes in approach that will help the reader feel as if they’re with the character, rather then in your study hearing you tell the story. And if they make sense, you might think about picking up a copy of the Dwight Swain book that’s discussed in the article about motivation and response. An alternative is Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict. Both cover the basic elements of creating fiction that sings.I hope this helps a bit.
The voice is that of the narrator, and is, for the most part, a synopsis of the action.
I wish the news was better. The protagonist has walked the hallway after climbing six flights of steps and has seen no trqcks on the stairs or hall, yet her welcome mat is covered with muddy wet foorprints—on a day when she's returning from a sunny day at the beach (a flashback might have been intended, but it wasn't made clear). She suspects that foul-play has taken place and that the one who did it is still in the apartment. She's carrying a cell phone, yet she goes in without calling for help. Why? Because the magic liquid will cure the man. But people must behave as peope, not plot devices, and if she's to go in without seeking help it must seem natural and believable.
I think this is good for a first draft, but it still needs some work. It starts off very excitingly, but Emily's voice -- not her character, just the way she thinks/speaks -- needs work. She still reads like something on the page instead of a real, living person. Unlike some other reviewers, I don't mind the "girl suddenly finds out she's a princess" storyline. You can totally make that work! And I like the creepy secondary characters so far. And the dog! BUT an old plot like this will only work if you can really firm up the writing style and make it completely yours and unique -- which you'll be able to do in the second draft. I'm giving it two stars because I am comparing this to published work that I would buy and adore, so the star level may seem a little low even though I definitely encourage you to follow this story to the end.
Try removing some of your exclamation marks and adverbs. I found the frequent exclamation marks particularly jarring. There is also some repetition that I think is unnecessary, e.g. "it was dark, so very dark". There is also some repetition of emotional cues that could be cut -- we don't need to know that the gurgling sound sent shivers up her spine AND made her stomach lurch, or that her stomach churned AND her mind reeled. One emotional cue there will do (and would work even better if you found something less conventional).
Emily's dialogue and thoughts feel stiff and unbelievable to me. This might be because we see so many of her exact thoughts as events are transpiring quickly around her. Instead of dumping us right into her head as her boyfriend lays bleeding, etc., use brief, vivid details to give us the chance to imagine how she feels. Try to veer on the side of too little interior monologue rather than too much; you'll be surprised at what readers can figure out on their own, without your cues. And besides, sometimes a little ambiguity makes the story more interesting. That said, Emily's personality itself fascinates me and I think she's cute. It's just the expression of that personality that needs work.
This a nice little fairy tale. The characters are interesting and it would be nice to learn more about them. The start of the story is confusing, and I'm afraid doesn't cause the suspense we are meant to feel because we are as confused as Emily. In my opinion, Emily's natural, every day world and her past and personality need to be more established to contrast with the fantastic. I also feel the stream of consciousness jumps around too much between the characters. There is a lot of potential to your story, keep developing it!
I think this story would be better told in the third person. You have too many viewpoints happening in the same chapter. At most, I would keep it to one viewpoint per chapter.
The characters are interesting and I want to find out more about them. these are the srongest part of the story.
First page- incredible to incrediblytried make sense to tried to make sensecapitalize Starbucks"Shaking the sand out of her shoes, she grabbed for her sweater and headed..." This should be your model sentence! The verbs lead the sentence and action is key, it moves well. Look back and see if you can make other sentences this active!Page 2- A lot of telling when you could be showing! Don't capitalize "the one"Her lack of memory is too blunt, I'm expecting something oddd to happen now... maybe your character needs to just brush it off like its not a big dealPage 3- "Someone had been there!" great example of showing and telling. You have the muddy footprints! We have already been shown that someone is there, you dont have to tell us! Great job on the sentence beforeThe pistol is a bit of a surprise. We have no prep for Emily being the type of person to carry a gun....The quarter thing at 50 yards seems a bit dramatic. It'd be better to quote her dad saying she was a hell of a shot; use this opportunity to describe and give credence to the storypage 5- good suspensepage 6- niko grabbing the coat was odd, but you dont need to say "niko was exceptionally smart" we should learn that as we readI love the description of the bottle BUT is that the time to describe it? She's panicking, intent on saving her boyfriend, she doesn't have time to take in the ripples of burgundy.page 7- again, all these questions are great; but standing over him trying to save him is not the time to flood us with thempage 8- good reaction by Emily, that is natural
You need to use auxillary details to emphasize character. It's very fragmented at the moment, and it's only easy to believe Emily's reactions so far
Chapter 1 isn't forming characters well. We want to have mystery and questions that lead us into further chapters.. but its more confusion than mystery for right now. It might help to add another character, a friend of Emily's into this scene
Your premise, a princess from another realm with a shapeshifting dog, is one that would draw me in. I think you ahve a solid second/third draft, but it still needs some trimming and revising to cut down to the core of the story. Right now, I have almost a floating feeling as I read the first few paragraphs, where I am reading about a vague "she", her thoughts, and some sort of cicumstance that put her in this position. I think there is an intense beginning underneath, waiting to show itself, but right now I feel it's being bogged down by backstory and moments of author intrusion where an author voice steps in and explains things to the reader. I think if these paragraphs are cut, leaving mostly the action and dialogue with some interior monologue, you will have a stronger story. Cut everything that's not in the moment, and maybe it can be added later after the reader is drawn in...sprinkled in a little bit at a time.I'm wondering if you could you could cut the first few paragraphs and begin with "As Emiily rounded the corner...she could see her welcome mat was covered with muddy footprints..." Then, you could work a lot of the information from the paragraphs before it into the story later after we see the character in action. Also, as soon as we do have some action (someone in her apartment), we go right back into backstory about her father teaching her how to use the gun instead of learning about what is in the apartment. Other brief instrusions into backstory can be found in your first chapter, but I didn't really find any in your second chapter (or at least if there were some, they weren't as evident--by then I had been introduced to Emily and her situation.)I feel like I'm really in the moment, into the story, when Tanner is healed. I think we're fully in scene at that point.Another thing I noticed occasionally is misuse of the present participle phrase. I learned recently that having a clause that starts with a verb+ing describes an action that happens simultaneously with the rest of the sentence. So in the sentence "Slipping her feet into her slippers, she made her way to the bedrooms door, carefully avoiding the squeaky floorboards", she is doing all of these actions at once. I'm wondering, though, if she slipped her feet into her slippers, then made her way to the bedroom door.As is, I see this might be a second/third draft with a good story underneath and with few grammatical erros, but it is one that still needs some trimming and few more drafts of revision to make it more "in the moment." Trust the readers; they will be able to figure out what is happening without loading all the backstory up front.
The voice seems distant in the beginning while the protagonist is referred to only as "she".I really liked the line "The horrid gurgling sent fresh shivers up her spine and made her stomach lurch." This brought me a little deeper into the protagonist's head to feel what she felt without being told outright that she was scared. (However, at this point I had to look back to read her name. Could some of the "she's" be replaced with "Emily" every now and then?)
Although we are in the main character's head in the beginning with a lot of interior monologue and backstory, I still feel as if "she" is distant, as if I'm not able to dive into her character right away. Tanner is mentioned twice, so we know he will be an imporant character, but since he's introduced through summary, we don't really get to know him. Could he be introduced through the first scene he is in rather than by the main character thinking about him first? (Showing vs. telling)There is a brief POV shift where we move from Emily's head to Nikoran's. Emily wouldn't know Nikoran could shift under the moonlight without effort, would she? Then, we know for sure we're in his head when "he could feel his skin start to crawl," and yet in the middle of the paragraph, we shift back into Emily's eyes and what she sees. Then we start shifting back and forth between the two characters after that again.
Very intriguing plot. I want to learn more about Tanner's situation and his hidden persona that Emily clearly didn't have any information about.
The thought and ideas of Emily as she struggles with this situation are convincing, though I had to pause and reread to ensure that I didn't miss any details.
Emily seems stricken at Tanner, and that is certainly justified. Perhaps a flashback at the very beginning that gives you an idea of what their relationship was like before the incident? It might help show her devlopement in a clearer picture.
This is a good first draft. I love a story that dives straight into the action. I'm curious to find out more about the other world and creatures you're introducing. It has potential, and yes, while unknown princess of another world can be a bit cliche, it all depends on where you take it from here I think, how you make that storyline yours and change it up from the traditional.
Not bad for a first draft, but I felt some sentences were a little long and there was a little too much passive voice. The jumps between character's point of views was a bit jarring too. Most of the time we're deep in Emily's POV and then half way through chapter two we start jumping into other characters heads- sometimes more than one POV per paragraph which I've heard (I'm no expert) is a no-no even for omniscient POV formats. I think you can safely keep all of this in Emily's POV. Any insights from the other character's minds can be told or shown another time- for example, Niko thinks about having to show her him changing, then he says it out loud then does it. In this example, we really don't need his thoughts as well because it's shown.
I haven't got much of a sense of Tanner and Niko's characters yet other than a bit formal and foreign. Emily is a bit confusing. Her dialogue is quite good, the sort of thing someone would naturally say when seeing the things she is, but I found her inner thoughts and questions, and her actual actions, a little too accepting. Given the extreme circumstances, some of this feels unnatural, but then it all depends on the kind of character you want Emily to be. She seems in some ways to be very independent and tough- she got her dad to train her to use a gun - but on the other hand she seems to follow Tanners directions without question a lot (getting a vial instead of calling an ambulance, holding on and closing her eyes at the end). The actions Emily takes in pressure situations are what shows and develops her character, so make sure her motivations are always spot on.
You have a great storyline here for a high/epic fantasy--a genre I haven't read much in. You really captured Emily's POV, when her world have been turned upside-down. Lots of twists and turns and some suspsense. This has potential. Capitalize S for Starbucks. Write numbers under 100 as whole words. Over vested isn't a word. Don't you meant invested or something close to it?
You've kept it pretty well in Emily's POV with no head hopping. It's rich and natural for the fae and humans to speak in their native tongues, or as both worlds collide. Nice work.
Nice job too for Emily--good description of her teenage youth and then the presence of Niko and Tanner to shape shift or transform to other animals. You've built her well. I would love to see more of Niko and Tanner described here as well.
You have me wondering as I read --this chapter has good hook to what is going on. But the first sentence of the book (such an important sentence!) is too weak. sunshine feeling like a hot iron just doesn't work (at least for me...) I think the chapter is too good to be weakened in this way. Sweat began to pour down her neck as the sunshine which was so lovely earlier, turned toxic this afternoon...or something like/??I don't think she would miss that her house was ransacked in the way (having just been through an earthquake and having such a mess --I know :0 ) You could have her look around, even see the things she stumbled over...Chapter Two.'As far as I know...." Probably need to start a new paragraph there--too confusing, didn't know I was back in her thoughts.
You have a great voice. Easy to read, and plenty there to keep me reading.
I feel the development of the characters. I'm with Emily as she learns she is Kalla...this isn't going to be an easy change for her. You've done well..Tanner is a perfect name for this character...I wanta meet him! :)
I think your basic idea is cool and fun, though I wonder if people may not have seen the "ordinary girl swept away to an amazing fantasy world" too many times before. Kalla is likeable, and the most enjoyable part is Niko the dog being a magical protector. The one part I wondered about is there are some statements that didn't ring true, such as Kalla came to a big city, but she is in Santa Cruz, which isn't a very big city. It also seemed at odds with her character that she was such a crack shot, having only practiced for a few weeks, making amazing pistol shots (the shot you describe is like "trick shooting" of experts). Maybe this plays a role in the magical world of Whisperhollow. I think you did very well with the names. They are evocative and I like the way you matched their "regular world" names to their Whisperhollow names. I would definitely read further
I really enjoyed the writing, although I would like to a see a different opening than waking up - on the beach or anywhere else! I figured she was going to be a vampire when I read that her skin was burning in the sun like a hot iron - so even a few words can evoke an unintended image in the reader's mind. Also, well - the story and voice get stronger as you go along, so I hope that feedback is of some help to you.
The very best aspect of the character development was Niko the dog. I really liked this character and concept and felt it was perfectly portrayed. As to Kalla, I think you can keep working on her, and you have a strong main story going. She seems to veer between different types of person - from girl crushing on Tanner to confident girl with a gun, to young teen who just got informed by magical people that she's a princess. I feel this will develop more strongly as you keep writing!
More? Are you still writing this? I would love to read more. Story and world are compelling very Alice going down the hole.
Good voice. I would like better descriptions as to the places and people around her.
Very good for as far I as, loved the fairy/dog will make a great story when complete.
Overall I found the plot to be unique and interesting. There are a few errors,namely wrong words used in some instances, to be fixed. Also, the head-hopping between characters was confusing. However, this is a story I would like to see to completion. One thing about the opening that bothered me was how the scene was explained at Emily's apartment door. I first thought it was open but then she opened it. If her fear was based solely on mud on the doormat, it seems irrational.
Each character has a distinctive voice, however, the characters use each others' names too often. Jumping from one character's POV to the other is also confusing. There should be at least an line of space between to prepare the reader for the change.
So far, I don't have enough to go by on the male characters to form an opinion on whether I care as a reader about them yet. As for Emily, her reaction to the situation felt a little off. She saw mud and was immediately frightened, but barely batted an eye at a man with pointed ears turning into her dog. Those two scenes weren't real enough for me (if that makes sense). Her reaction to Tanner's healing was more believable.
Fade,First off, congrats on getting this far in your writing journey. To help you along, I am going to be very blunt, but remember, these are only my opinions.I know this is a WIP, but I have a few issues.Opening, did Emily sleep on the beach? It's unclear and if so, why did Tanner leave her there? When she gets to her apartment, she just happens to have a 22 in her purse? In California? How convenient. In the scene where she gives Tanner the drop of liquid, you describe what she see's. His blood vessels reattaching themselves, was he naked" I don't think you need this much detail because in order for her to see this much damage, his intestines would be spilling out. I might change this to have her black out at the shock of what she is seeing. Leave the mystery on how he is healed until its time to tell her the truth.Chapter two a bit confusing on opening. You show Emily waking, and mention Tanner sitting on the edge of the bed stroking her cheek, but then it also appears he is in another room. If this was memories from multiple awakenings or some type of dream, you need to show it more..All in all, this feels very much like a YA story with all the cliched magic and characters troupes that YA readers have come to expect.. My suggestion, is to take these familiar troupes and make them unique.
This is my biggest issue,POV...At times it feels like third person close, and at other times it feels omniscient. I think the reason behind this shift is because you tell the story where you could to show. The internal thoughts are good but at times, a little character action would show more than constantly having Emily ask herself questions. That gets rather boring...When finished, you will more than likely choose a single PoV, Omni, or third close. PoV and show don't tell are very much bonded together.
Of the three characters I have been introduced to, I like Tanek and Nikoran. Emily seems too emo at times with all the internal questions, which many new writers feel they have to use to show character. You don't. Let the action and dialogue show character and use the internal thoughts for the really important stuff. I hope this helps in some small way, but remember this is only one readers opinion and other may feel differently. Good luck on your journey.
In general, this could use some decent tightening. A lot of sentences feel a bit overworked and passive. Look for passive verbs and see how many you can weed out to help with the pacing and the energy of the story. The opening is a bit...underwhelming. Waking up to a bright morning doesn't really do anything for me, and despite knowing the overall plot from the description, I don't get enough sense of weirdness going on for me to be drawn in as much as I'd like.If one forges through to the grisly scene at her home, then yes, it becomes more engaging, but perhaps we should get to that as quickly as possible without the opening grogginess.Also, various spelling and grammar issues throw me out of the story every so often. Nothing another layer of polish wouldn't fix.
In general, the overall voice is fine. I don't feel fully involved in Emily's perspective until the second chapter. Nothing about her POV sticks out to me...though that isn't necessarily a bad thing. There's nothing that makes me feel the author's voice is intruding, which is good.
I'm mostly interested when she pulls out the gun. Makes me question why she'd have it versus pepper spray, if it is important, etc. Then the deal with her boyfriend gets interesting...though then my interest is less held by Emily herself and more with the other characters.
There are three things I'd like to mention at this stage in your story. (By the end of chapter 2)1.If Niko is Nikorian and he can transform into a man/elf – why didn't he just help Tanner by transforming and getting the vial for him? (If you answer this question later then there's no need to worry about it.)2.The names are a little confusing – you know who is who but after you figure out that Tanner is Tanek – you switch back and forth between the two names. It would make for an easier read if you stuck with one name. 3.I don't think that a modern woman would automatically jump to the conclusion that Tanner is saying she is a princess when he tells her what 'Kalla' means. I would be more likely to believe that she would assume it is an endearment, be curious what language it is, or in light of everything that has happened – just shrug it off completely. But that's just me! Perhaps Emily takes things a lot more literally than I do. It is a good start, there are a few typos – It is too early for me to make a concrete opinion but you should definitely keep on writing and I'll keep reading!
It is a little inconsistent - the jumping around makes it a little harder to follow than it has to be. Overall it is relatively easy to read.
It is a little to early to say much about character development – however one thing I'm not sure of in the first two chapters is what kind of personalities your characters have.
Interesting start. I like the dog turning into a man, but if he could do that, why didn't he get the vial out of Tanner's pocket? Why did he have to wait for Emily?
Try to stay with Emily. We won't know what the other people are thinking. You have to bring it out in dialogue or description.
So far, so good. I can't seem to get the stars to come on
Greetings,Since this is a work in progress, I will first start with I am impressed with your courage to post a work in progress. The writing style is pretty good, the reading style is easy and it is a pleasant enough romp. I liked the writing and Emily's character. I think this piece has some promise.That said, like others before me has commented, this is very reminiscent of other fantasies. Girl (or boy) is hidden royalty somewhere far from their realm and has to take over. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but right now, I didn't feel that it had anything that made it really shine within the cliche story.If you can find that 'thing' to make this story stand out, I think you will have a very pleasurable read here.I am rating this overall as three stars because while it has promise, I think it will need a bit of work. I hope you don't mind, but I tend to review books based off of whether or not I would buy the book. In its current form, I would be unlikely to buy this book. Without that special something to make it stand out, there isn't enough to lure me into *having* to buy this book. That said, it is a book I would likely consider checking out from the library or borrowing from a friend since it could thrive as a nice escape from normality.
Your general voice is very good, the reading was fairly smooth. However, there were a few hiccups that jarred me out of reading. I suspect these are from the simple fact that this is a work in progress. With polish and editing, I think this will be corrected. This category is getting four stars because there is a lot of promise for a work in progress.
I don't feel that there is enough development to really judge at this point, so I am going to just say this:I was intrigued by Tanner and Niko. Emily (all things considered) handled herself very well. I would need to read more to get to know them better. At this point, none of them really developed or changed.I am giving 3 stars due to my neutral stance on development.
You use some extraneous words that break the pacing and make the sentences awkward. These is also a lot of repetition, 'telling' and info-dumping. I liked that Emily had a sensible head on her shoulders and didn't just rush into her apartment. She didn't just fall for the 'do as I say' routine.
It was a little hard to immerse myself in the story. In the second chapter for instance the rapid change from following Emily to following Tanner and Niko to Emily again left me more confused then anything else.
I definitely liked Emily the most, though I think Tanner will grow on me. Niko may take more time since he seems more rigid.
Overall, if this is your first book, I'd say you're doing pretty darn good! It reads easily, I find the plot interesting, and am curious to see where it goes from here. I think you could trim down a lot of what happens up until she finds Tanner bloody and on the floor - the story really picks up there.
I think you have a great, easy voice. Very conversational and easy to follow as the reader.
I feel like Emily is 'off'. Whenever someone speaks in the story, I'm good, but when Emily speaks, I don't believe her, if that makes sense? She's just been put in multiple scary situations, but she shows no fear, threatens others with bravado (and the reader doesn't know if she's faking or not) and whenever someone confronts her, she rambles. It doesn't feel authentic to me? But I think it can be easily tweaked.
This has potential and I know this is still a WIP, but it feels very familiar for a fantasy plot. We have a protagonist who's really a princess (of another realm?) and she discovers this when people try to kill her. If a twist could be added in some way, I think that would bring something new to the table.
The voice is a little inconsistent right now. We start out in Emily's POV and spend most of our time there but we occasionally jump into Niko's head without warning. That can be confusing. I don't think everything has to be in tight limited 3rd person, but if this is meant to be omniscient, then the narration needs to make that clearer. (Although I noticed some formatting issues so there might have been line breaks that had been stripped out?)
I personally like learning about the main characters immediately and we don't actually learn Emily's name until the third paragraph, which made it a little tough for me because I didn't know what to call this person. We do get a better sense of her in the second chapter but while we learn bits and pieces about her background and personal history, we don't really learn much about her personality before everything changes. Part of that might be because we don't see her interact with anyone or anyt
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