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Kasey Sun gets possessed by ghosts for a living. She doesn't love the career, but it pays the bills, and keeps her from being vulnerable to wandering spirits that could consume her. But when she summons the spirit of a murder victim found in an art gallery, she comes dangerously close to losing control.
This is the beginning of a novel that's spinning out of a short story I wrote. I really want the setting to feel real and present, especially early on. If you feel adrift in this first chapter, let me know!
I like the premise of a medium working for the crime unit and that you have kept it different from similar stories with your own unique worldbulding and voice. I particularly like that the reader can see the struggle the main character faces keeping her own identity and personality when she is around a ghost.
The pacing so far seems fine to me as it is a first draft of a first chapter. You have enough backstory to understand what's going on without having to dump too much information on the reader.
The setting of the book seems to take a backseat to the action which is fine for me personally. However, if the setting is going to have an impact on the story at some point (other than as background) more details about where the action is taking place would be helpful.
Felt the characters were undefined and were seperate from the story line. I believe the story has promise but needs work. There is a lot of writing talent displayed in this story and I'm sure that it will sharpen in due time.
I think the pace was rushed and jumped quickly to undescribed locations. There is a lot of room to slow down and look around. I would like to have been able to see where the events were taking place.
The best visual for me was in the first few paragraphs of the first chapter. I was drawn into the setting and was hoping this type of expression would continue throughout.
Interesting. I enjoyed the reading and would like to know more.
It is ok. Maybe it good get better if it was longer.
Very good. Easy to picture everything. The best part of the book.
First question - where is Long Island Sound, please? I honestly have no idea. I really like the story and the thought of using ghosts to help solve crimes. Good plot base as well as a tight protective team without over using technology. The part which confuses me is how they got to the point where the cops used people like Kasey.
Rather quick to jump into the paranormal. It threw me off a bit, but perhaps I was hoping for more detail. I like how the past case with the overcritical ghost was handled as well as her history with her nainai.
Good setting, needs a bit more detail at the start up. I didn't have much of a mental picture to draw me in. Any chance to get more of a visual idea what our story teller looks like? Not to give away much, but feel they need a better introduction of sorts.
The idea of a ghost summoner helping the police solve a murder is a great hook that grabbed me right from the beginning. I like the way you give just enough of Kasey's backstory to enlighten us as to her special skills. I definitely felt that I would like to read more.
There's a lot happening, new concepts to get your head around, and a lot of characters to get to know in just the first chapter, and yet I never got confused or lost my place in the story. A very good beginning.
I liked the description of the view from the apartment at the beginning. It conveyed a lot about the time of year, the time of day and the weather in just a few sentences. I didn't get much sense of the exact spot in the gallery where the body was found though. Maybe this could be enhanced a bit.
Interesting premise with good character development fairly early on in the story. Definitely want to read more.
Started out with a strong pace, but it seemed to slow down a bit when Kasey was setting up the circle. I can understand wanting to include all those details, but maybe tighten it up a bit for the sake of the pace.
Good description of the rooftop setting and surrounding view; location, however, seems to take a back seat at the murder scene. More details of this location would be good.
I like the beginning. It's a nice mix of SHOW, inviting the reader to get to know the main character and what she does. At the bottom of 1%, I'm not sure you need the the two sentences about answering him with something silly and the waxed philosophical. There kind of pointless, and would anyone really stop to think that?Michael never got up to walk away during the conversation, yet he's coming back as though he did. If she normally consults with him, why not carry on with the call in her presence?Why can't the ME move the body until the Ghost is consulted? If the Medical Examiner is on the scene he has the lead to move the body once photos have been taken and the crime scene contained. Also, another detective has normally been notified and is on scene coordinating with HQ and dispatching appropriate first responders. Michael IS NOT a first responder in this case. He could work secondary as a consultant to the lead detective, but he's not the primary. Does he run a particular division that only deals with ghosts? Not sure from the opening yet. Here's a good link to police procedural in New York: http://www.homicidesquad.com/nypd_homicide_response_and_investigation.htmUse it to get some of your facts straight moving forward. Of course there are many more details you can find in books, but this is a nice quick ref. guide.16% If Engels realizes that ghosts are real and they in fact inhabit this world you've created in your book and can kill people, then he should not be overreacting. It would be a natural occurrence he should have adapted to. Now, if you just want Engels to be bristly in general, I personally think, you need to give the reader something more in his backstory (wife killed by a ghost or something that gives him motive to attack these crime scenes and also act high strung).Need a comma here... "Hey(,) Sunny," she said...39% "Or if it was resonant off of the spiritual energy regardless." ???? i don't quite understand what she's saying here. You might conisder rewording to simplify.39% Who is John Trumbull that he matters to the story right now? By that I mean when you say ...the gallery's founder and protector... I don't know what you mean as a reader. From this point forward, where she isinhabited by Dennisin the story really comes alive more. It is a very interesting take on the subject of ghosts. I liked the setup here. I do feel you need more conflict and tension going on in this first chapter and it would be nice with this type of novel if you ended with a cliff hanger to propel the reader forward to the next chapter. Overall, I think you could tighten things up a little more, make it snappier. It's almost too tame for the genre, but yet it has its teeth in me non the less. Towards the end I was reading more as a reader and less as a crit. That's good news!
The pace is nice, but could be elevated a lot. It needs more spice to take it to the next level. I think more conflict and some editing are needed to push the story faster.
Setting was OK. I didn't get any real vibe about overall setting. From a technical standpoint, your writing reflects more of a novice Crime Scene awareness, but that is easily fixed. it was nice to see Lindy didn't get through the crime scene tape with coffee though.
I always love a good ghost story, and this one is quite interesting. While I've heard of mediums, I've never read of one quite like Kasey. Posessions are done in stories, though most of them aren't intentional. I like where the story is going, and hope to read more of it!
I enjoy the pacing of this story so far. While at times it can be a bit slow, it also speeds up, making, in my terms, for a good pace.
The descriptions in this chapter alone are quite amazing, so you really get a sense of what's going on around Kasey. The setting is almost always perfectly described, as though it were a movie rather than a book.
The premise of this book is age-old but the spin on the premise is fresh, new and interesting. The author expresses very well the tired and resigned feelings of the main character and I want to read more.
It jumps right from lazy to interesting in the space of a heartbeat and I really wanted to continue past the first chapter. A person is drawn straight into the story.
The idea that the main character is somewhat cynical and that cynicism reflects in her narration from the very beginning is unmistakable, the author set the scene with style and aplomb. Well done!
The story warmed up for me when she got out the white flags. I think if it had started at that point, and wove in her friendship with the detective as back story, it would have worked extremely well. I like that she's Chinese, but felt confused as her character formed in my mind, and I didn't know what she really looked like, other than she was the opposite of Michael. However, she could have been African American or Latina - both have cultures that support working with spirits.
Loved the pacing from Lindy's entrance. Kept me going until the end.
I don't know the area, so I could have done with a bit more description on the gallery. What room are we in? What's the security like?
Oh man, this is going to be a great story. I really like the paranormal rules you've established here, and I can't wait to see how you play with them. The characters are entertaining, I like the main character, and Dennisin is intriguing. I'll continue to follow this one.
The pacing is pretty good. There are a couple places where it could be better, namely the expository chunk that's placed directly after she enters the protective ring. Either splitting it up or removing some of that information that's not immediately necessary to understand the story would help significantly, though I do think you're right to put the bulk of it in the general area that you've placed it.
Yale, that's Boston, right? I live just outside of NYC and spent a couple months in Boston. I think it's really cool that you've placed the story in an actual location. You should continue to use real places and descriptions of Boston, the more specific the better. It'll add a lot of spice to the setting. One thing that I wonder about, though, was if it's widely accepted that ghosts exist in this reality or if it's more like our reality where most people think that ghost hunters are a buncha crack pots (not saying they are.) If that could be better established in the beginning of the story, I would know what context to place her interactions with the police/coroner.
First I want to say I really enjoyed this. What an awesome beginning to a fascinating story! You asked about feeling adrift...at the beginning I did just a tiny bit. It takes awhile to figure out the speaker is a woman...and the whole scene on top of the roof is nice but doesn't exactly hook me. However, somewhere around 11% I was suddenly hooked and didn't let go. Probably the moment the detective says the person got killed by a ghost. I'm wondering if it would be a stronger beginning to push that up to the forefront. Once we get to know these people, THEN a rooftop scene will feel nice. Other than that, from about that point on I thought the voice was spot on, and was really sad it ended.
I think the pacing is perfect. It moved, not too fast, not too slow. I felt like it had enough detail to draw me in without dumping on me. Good job!
I like the setting and the general premise of the crime here. I really enjoyed the whole feel of this. The voice especially. I love that she's Chinese. I love that she lets the ghost live inside her to question them...and you have all kinds of questions going on that make me want to read more. I hope you continue to post, I'm really curious now!
Good morning. I see that you have gotten several reviews and I'm going to add this to the best of my ability. I'm reading something a little out of my comfort zone so if my critique comes off as being too strong, I apologize for that up front.Something I noticed in your first page is that you use and instead of commas in some instances. Trust me, I do have this problem as well and usually have to correct myself on a rewrite. The sentence I refer to in specific is this one:"Just thinking about sunset and autumn and apple cider," I said, and it was, more or less, the truth.This sentence makes it hard for me to understand as a reader and I have to reread it to make any sense of it. The suggestion made to me was to read your scenes out loud or use a dictation device on your computer. This idea works wonders. If you have trouble reading it, chances are so will someone else that's just looking with their eyes and not speaking out loud :)One last thing about your style I picked up on was that you kind of word things backwards sometimes. An example of this is when you refer to Michael in scene 2. The sentence is:"Michael, to my gratitude, chuckled."This is something I struggle with as well and again, urge you to read your scenes outloud to correct these issues.I feel that there is promise for this story and would love to see the new draft when you put it up on BC. I will be following this book and will review the next draft if you wish.
Chapter One, Scene 1When you first introduce Kasey, I feel like the pace is very fast. One minute we're hearing about the sunrise and the next we're hearing Michael talking to her. Most of the time when describing a scene, I wouldn't think of the kind of opening you have for a setup. I've seen in several other reviews about setting up and this is essential to give your story feeling and a backdrop.I already feel like I'm missing something in your first three pages, like we're having a conversation about an event that happened in another book. Is this the first book of a series or a standalone? I felt very lost when I was reading this here and would probably put the book down and look for book one of the series.Chapter One, Scene 2Your pacing with Michael and Lindy were much better in this scene. I like the conversation that they had.The story you have with your character seeing ghosts might work better for you in the beginning of the novel instead of in your second scene. It would add more to the imagery to the very beginning and entice readers to read the story.
I can't get a feel of your setting at all in the first scene. I can't even tell where this is in the first scene of your book, to be honest with you. Something to look into would be getting a book or two of a crime scene novel and reading what goes on in them for research. You can also watch shows like CSI or NCIS and look at what goes on in the shows. The details for these are amazing and I prefer NCIS myself.In scene 2, you did much better with this. I feel like we actually are at a crime scene. If this was what you wanted, this is the right sense for this. I do like your conversation at the beginning with Michael about Lindy and got a laugh out of it. I also got a chuckle out of the ghost who was flirting with her in the beginning when she tells him he is dead.
Why is this piece written in first person? I can't get past that to read further. Sorry....I kind of have to force myself to continue, but I like this ghost interacting with the girl. Nice little funny bit there.
It's a little bit too slow. There's something missing with the suspense here. It's too basic of an NCIS or CSI show script. Add something in the very begining like she saw something in the distance while on the roof top. It think this chapter would work best placing the moment her partner gets the phone call. Delete the roof top setting a bit and explain where and what makes Long Island what is.
The setting needs more than just the detail of the sun in the first page or so. 'Show' the reader a little bit about Long Island. A lot of people have never been there and don't know where East Rock is. It would be nice to explain just a little bit what a nainai is.
Overall I’d say you have a great story in mind, but that said I think this chapter needs some work on how the story is constructed. For example, the opening scene on the roof is alright, but it’s not really compelling. It doesn’t make me want to continue reading. The descriptive passages are fine, but I get tired of keeping tabs on every move made with the mugs of cider or that I’ll get to continue next time reading about hot chocolate. It leads me to believe that the cider is really going to play an important role in the story if it’s given so much time on the first page or two. This opening passage doesn’t even give me a good idea of who the characters are and very little about the story I’m starting. There’s some good stuff in these pages, but it could easily be woven in later in the chapter or book and be moved out to the way for something that would move the story forward faster and engage the reader sooner. You may want to consider changing your starting point to the spot where it says “I saw my first ghost when I was nine” and then weave in the flags and the whole physical state of the scene when Kasey’s thoughts are brought back to the present. But in her distracted state you could introduce her so we know her name (she’s called by two different names: Sunny and Kasey/Kase -- before we know what her full name is - unless we’ve read the blurb for the book - and that can be a bit confusing) and a little more about her. Since she’s the narrator we know more about Lindy and Michael than we do about her. It was from that sentence (mentioned above) that I felt I was hooked and everything in your narration seemed continue pulling me forward – at that point the pacing really improved. A few other notes:There were multiple occasions on these first pages when you compared people to grad students or undergrads – maybe just something to watch and make sure you don’t over do it with the same type of thing. You have phrases like ‘of course’ in quite a bit. Usually these are superfluous and can be cut. Some of the phrases make the writing sound overly formal and conflicts with a character voice which doesn’t always sound that formal. Another example of a part which sounds a bit formal is “to which I wasn’t supposed to have a key” how may people really talk that way? Especially when, in the same sentence, they say “my super and I” which by the very use of ‘super’ is informal. Sometimes things are stated that we already know from what you’ve said previously. One example is “clearly already dressed for the club.” You’ve already mentioned that they had to hurry and get a hold of her before she went clubbing so you could cut the repeated line that is only telling something you’ve already shown through dialog and when you describe her attire we realize that it was the club she was dressed for. Another instance would be when you say “She knew better” in the next line Kasey says basically the same thing aloud and even though it says it sounded stronger in her head the reader can infer that she did say it in her head without having it printed on the page twice – especially so close together. It might help your writing to be tighter and have less in the way of your storytelling.The idea that the victim can’t be a grad student because of his receding hair is weak. There are men loose their hair in their twenties and not all grad students are young. The last sentence has the words noticed, noticing, and note. You may want to consider rephrasing to use something different from three forms of the same root word to make it more interesting and so it will read more smoothly.Hope my comments help as you make decisions about your work. A really great premise for a story I’m excited to see how it continues.
About half way through your pacing starts to be really good. The first part really seemed to drag, mostly because the action and the dialog weren’t really doing anything to move the story forward in the first scene.
You had some good descriptions especially of Lindy’s appearance. The description of the water was also good, but may be better placed elsewhere in the novel when you need to slow the action a bit and let the reader breathe. When we get to the museum all of the description seems to go to the flags and the crime scene – very important – but it would be nice to have a little more on the museum to give us a better picture of where everything is taking place. It may also help with John Trumbull, to place him in the story a little better. Good reactions from the police when she arrives and when she is doing her stuff, maybe a little more specific on whether some think she’s full of it or if some of them believe and are spooked – maybe a few different reactions from different cops. Do the higher-ups really go for the summoner consultant? Everyone glares at Lindy when she comes in and better the glare for the clothing than for the profession – shows that they think she’s full of it. But later when they back close to the police tape it shows that they must think it was somewhat authentic or at least they are nervous because these touch cops that see all sorts of stuff on the street all the time are backing away from the summoning – which seems to contradict the other reaction in an interesting way. Maybe to flesh that out a little more here and then you can continue with it in later chapters.Good description about setting up the ritual and the spirit entering her body.
I really enjoyed the story line and especially the main characters. I have a good visual of Michael and Lindy but don't have a clear one of Casey. You don't even mention she is Asian until the end of the chapter though there were clues. I especially like the dialogue and banter between the characters. WIll be anxious to see what happens next.
I thought you had strong pacing. The intrigue kept pushing me forwards and I wanted to know what was going to happen next. I could follow the plot and the characters also kept it moving forwards.
You establish the setting right away and that's always good. I would have liked a little more visual of the art gallery. Where was the body found? What kind of art was on the walls. Was it a comfortable space or more stuffy and sterile. If you're going to use it for your backdrop, you might want to spend just a little longer on the visual.
Really, really good! I'm intrigued and will certainly follow your story's progress! This is so far the best story I've found on Book Country, and I think, if you sustain this quality, the novel-length work will be something special indeed.
No problems with the pacing, though it's a little hard to follow the multiple character interactions. You introduce several characters without much explanation as to their background or purpose other than they are on the crew. I would like a bit more distinction among the characters, but this is a very minor point. The protagonist and her situation is explained well and thoroughly.
In your author's note, you said you were particularly interested in setting; however, to me the setting took a back seat to the storytelling, which is not criticism, it's just how it read to me. Also, you mention places I have not seen, so maybe fleshing out the museum's cavernous hallways or vaulted ceilings, maybe the after-hours dim lighting or something. After all, we're talking about pretty creepy things happening, so you might as well give it some old fashioned haunted house mojo, you know?
Initial impressions:The writing is good. On or close to a professional level. We’re in the POV of the character rather than being lectured by a narrator.Much is confusing, though. I think you know the story too well and expect the reader to know too much. We begin with the detective addressing the protagonist as Kasey, which doesn’t define gender as well as you might hope. You refer to the medical examiner as only the ME. But you’re presupposing that the reader knows who’s meant.Some specifics:• I forcibly relaxed my fingers from where they'd tensed around my mug. "It's Engels, isn't it?" Loosen the shoulders, Kasey. There's a good girl. "He hates me." Was there an italic for thought missing here? It seems so, but it also seems to have no reason for the thought appearing, unless the reader already knows why she would react that way, and knows her history in more detail.• We walked toward the roof access door, to which I wasn't supposed to have a key, but my super and I kept the polite fiction that I followed building rules.Seems a bit of a non-sequitur here. As a reader I have neither need nor interest in knowing how she came to be on the roof. But because you mentioned it, it seems I need to remember this. If so, okay. If not, it’s clutter, for that reason.• I followed Michael's scowl over my shoulder and was unsurprised to see Lindy strolling down the corridor toward us, Puckish grin promising mischief that I hoped was already accomplished.This illustrates pretty much the problem I think you need to address, which is that you’re making reference to things that exist only in your head. You know Lindy, who she is, and her proclivities—and Kasey’s—so the remark fits. But I don’t know who she is as a person, why she was called, and why our protagonist isn’t surprised to see her dressed that way. Too often, I feel I’m reading the second book in a series, where it’s expected that I’ve read the first, and know the society and the characters.• Better to have police officers glaring at her for her outfit than for something else. Self-defense mechanism 101Again, the feeling that I’ve missed something important, like what she’s trying to distract from.But that being said, it’s a very good start.
Pacing is good, subject to the remarks above. I always had the feeling that there was a scene clock running.
Mostly good, when you weren't expecting the reader to fill in the blanks. You say, for example, "She would have been out of place in the YaleArtGalery, whatever that is, but it appears that she IS in that spot, which makes no sense.
If I had bought this book at a book store, I would have resisted the urge to judge it through the first few pages, and continue reading-for good reason. Chapter starts a bit slow but picks up nicely. I loved the flags around the body depiction. While reading, I thought of 'Ghost Whisperer', Ghost Busters', 'Minority Report'. But this is fresh. I would love to find out and read the main plot.
I found the pacing to be a bit slow in the begining, somewhat irrelevant to what was to follow, a dead man in an Art Gallery.
The transition from the top of the apartment building to Art Gallery was confusing to me. The setting in the Yale Art Gallery was great. In my opinion, its depiction should continue on, with minor hints perhaps, throughout the chapter, to keep the readers engaged and be inside the gallery while reading it
I wasn't sure about your beginning: sunsets are lovely in real life but really hard to make interesting in fiction, and there was an awful lot of cider. But it did have a nice sense of place and time: the cool autumn evening in CT. And the words floating like loose leaves was a really lovely and fitting image. You caught me, though, on the next line, "But it isn't as if anyone can escape death." Not sure, though about your heroine's insecurity: it seems out of place, but perhaps more will be revealed. The criticism of Lindy feels strange, although admittedly I have my entire sense of police dramas from television. But cops on TV show up in whatever they're wearing, speed being more important than changing, so it seems odd that everyone's glaringly upset, especially because she's a consultant. Liking the dialog, though -- and these descriptions of the ritual are terrific. Lots of detail, but not so much that it gets boring, just enough so that I can really visualize the scene. Minor typo "It wanted to do a lot of things" I think is "I wanted", yes? And now this has gotten really really fun. Love the ghost, love the slap, love the whole background. I don't exactly feel like I know what's going on, but I'm really disappointed to be at the end of it.
I'd say pretty good, overall. The second half is definitely the better half -- you could almost skip the whole scene on the roof, or maybe move it to later.
Good. You definitely evoked a CT autumn evening for me, and the description of the Yale hallway felt realistic. I have to admit that I didn't care much about the rooftop scene, not much happens there. But the setting aspects of it were pleasantly written.
I thought this was a very interesting opening to a promising story. The main character has an nice, likable narration style that really drew me in.
I believe a tiny bit more character development would be helpful before rushing into the main plot, but once the plot kicked off the pacing was very easy to slip into.
There wasn't really enough on the setting for me to pick up what I would feel to be an accurate representation, but the general sense of place and mood was excellent.
I really enjoyed this chapter, Alana. Nicely done : ) You've given me a good sense of each of the primary characters and introduced not only an intriguing skill/career, but a perplexing (or will be) murder as well. The chapter ends strongly, leaving me eager to turn the page and see where the adventure is going to lead -- the 'battle' between Sunny (that's the MC's name, yes?) and Dennisin. I'm honestly sorry I couldn't keep reading!
Two things come to mind when I consider the pacing -- first, if it were my choice to make (and it's not, it's yours *s*) I'd eliminate the early scene with the cider on the roof and open in the corridor of the museum. For me, that's when the story really got started and got interesting. I suspect if you start earlier, you're going to grab the reader by the throat and not let go. The second thing was the backstory about the main character's heritage and grandmother and the family curse. I feel like that really slowed the story down, and I read through impatiently, wanting to get back to the present moment in the museum. Maybe there's somewhere a little later in the story (second chapter? third chapter?) where you can thread some of that information in? Otherwise, the pacing shows a good balance of dialogue versus narrative, and action versus stillness - very evenly paced outside the two exceptions I noted.
I had some trouble visualizing the setting on the rooftop (and couldn't decide whether the story takes place on Long Island or in CT). Though it provides me with information about the season, it gives me very little info about the size of the city/town the story is in. I personally would have liked to have a bit more detail about the museum and the size of the room the corpse is in, was the room filled with painting or sculpture or ancient artifacts. That said, I thought the section where you desccribe the placement of the flags around the corpse was excellent. Gave me information about the body, the clues, and about the MC's belief and talent. Marvelous job, imo.
I really found your premise very interesting and unique. I think you're off to a good start, but here are a few things to consider:1) Unclear a little with Lindy's job as a spotter. Is this a job that anyone can do or is Lindy specifically qualified to do it? Also, how does Lindy's desire to have the police officers glaring at her for her outfit rather than something else shed light on her character? Unless she'd rather have them think less of her for her outfit rather than the fact that she works with Kasey?2) Really enjoyed your description as Lindy strolls onto the murder scene with her fishnets and geisha makeup--I could easily picture her in my head. I found her dialogue to be witty and fun. I particularly love Michael's remark about her being the "love child of a Neil Gaiman comic".3) I was unclear as to the significance of the different colors of the flags? Are the different colors just to mark off boundaries or is there some other reason?4) I felt a little lost when Kasey makes reference to using certain things like the I-Ching, Oracle Bones, and the Toy Soldiers---would these guarantee extra protection in Kasey's protective sphere?5) I would also like to know a little bit about how Kasey's father turned the "family curse" into a business. Does he have a company? Is it a word of mouth thing? Was Kasey forced to work as a summoner?6) Reading Kasey's interaction with John Doe, I found myself wondering if a recently deceased person would be speaking so casually after they'd been murdered? It would seem like a new ghost would be really disoriented due to the transition.7) I also felt like there could have been a few words describing how Kasey's mind to mind connection works with ghosts before she allows them to enter her body. I was unclear how she "pulled" certain details from John Doe's head.
As a reader, I really enjoy that you get the ball rolling right away. It's a wonderful way to keep the reader engaged, but I felt that there were several instances where the pacing staggered due to Kasey alluding to past events--particularly her description of her nainai's death, how her ghost returns to visit, and the "family curse."
I had some trouble getting a solid sense of place. A few things to consider:1) I found the opening description concerning East Rock to be a little unclear. I'm not sure if East Rock is a mountain on the LIS? People not familiar with the area, may have trouble picturing the scene you're describing.2) Once the scene shifts to the Yale Art Gallery, I feel like you could shore up your descriptions more. I've never been to the gallery, so I would love to see some more details pertaining to what the gallery looks like and where exactly the body is positioned.
I would have liked better clarification at the beginning or maybe it worked differently but I felt like i was playing catch up on who was who and were we were.
Great pacing, has a good rthym that keeps you moving.
Always love a crime scene. Strong writing once their not as strong on the roof.
Ooh, I love this concept and your writing is smooth and readable. I'm hooked - would definitely like to read more.
I was interested from the beginning and beguiled nicely along. Some of the backstory information might have been better introduced a little later. Suspense is building nicely when MC steps into the circle and then it dissipates as she starts talking about her childhood, etc.
I honestly wasn't sure where the crime scene was taking place. Some sort of gallery was vaguely in my head. There may have been details earlier, but a little more attention to setting in the gallery scene would be helpful.
Overall, very interesting premise. I would have liked more tension and less narrative in this opening chapter, but nicely done! As a reader, I don't need to know every detail in the beginning--let the details unfold with the story. For example, I was a bit confused during the ritual and I think it's because of the numerous narratives, which interrupted your action (pacing). I think your use of narrative actually made the ritual--which was different enough to hold my interest--confusing. Try incorporating more action into this scene--show us the ghost jumping in and taking over and her struggling. Don't tell us what is going to happen or happening. Show it with action and increase the tension--I didn't *feel* lke she was in any danger. Here is where your verb choices are critical. :-)Small point: You refer to her friend as "Michael" in the opening paragraphs, but then she addresses him as "Detective Noble." If she's being cheeky, show us this. (If you're using her dialogue as a means to introduce his character's job--you don't need this. We learn very quickly that he's a cop.) :-)
Pacing felt inconsistent to me. I think you could easily cut some of the narrative and solve this problem, in particular the 'daydreaming' sequence during the ritual. That was distracting, and felt like a monkey wrench tossed into the scene. I think you can explain her Jade necklace and its purpose w/out the memory. The opening didn't draw me in as much as I'd have liked. In fact, I think you can cut the entire rooftop sequence. I don't think it serves to hook the reader; it felt like a mechanism to introduce your characters. Starting with the crime scene--in medias res--would make for a more intriguing opening. (I know, many books open on a crime scene, but you're scenario is unique enough to hold my interest--use that to your advantage!)Resist the temptation to tell (backstory). Fill us in as your story unfolds. Keep me, the reader, in suspense to some degree and make me want to turn the page for answers. Your pacing is almost suggestive of a cozy mystery at times, and yet the voice and premise feel more like urban fantasy to me. For that reason, I think a faster pace would serve your plot well.
I wanted more here. I didn't feel as if I was in a unique setting. You did a great job with describing the sunsets, etc. but the setting didn't captivate me. I suggest incorporating more sensory details--how it smells, feels, sounds, etc.
I found myself disappointed that there wasn't another chapter posted. The conflict with the ghost is what really did it for me. He's something of a slimeball and there's all kinds of mystery going on there. I like Lindy, too, but it was the ghost that got me anxious to read more.Also your POV character is smart and easy to like. I feel good about following her for the length of a book.
Excellent. Drew me in, fed me enough details and questions to keep me hooked, answered enough to make me feel confident to continue reading.
I don't need much detail to draw a setting so I found it all to be more than adequate. I had no problem visualizing everything yet I wasn't bogged down in extra details.
Your hook has been set. I am ready to turn the next page.I can see your characters. I can feel them. I want to know more about them and how their layered lives meld. The dialogue feels so natural. Flowing.This feels completely real. I am a fly on the wall.As I reflect on your chapter and think about it as a whole the first thing that strikes me is there was something warm and sweet but now it is all intrigue. Give me more.
I didn't notice the pacing, which is probably a good thing. I feel like a rock at the top of a great big hill and you've nudged me into motion. Steadily I am picking up speed.
I can see it all very clearly. I'm not sure if its the images you've portrayed or that I am layering my own experiences. It doesn't matter though.
So good so far. They just walked off the roof. I didn't like the 'We walked toward the roof access door.' You had me until then. Is it necessary to tell me they walked toward it? Bland. You have 'started' in two sentences back-to-back. And that's about it. Overall, interesting story, your writing is quite professional, and I felt like I was was reading a book I had picked up at the book store. Well done.
Well-paced! I wasn't all about the beginning on the roof of the building, but once they got to the crime scene, I was enjoying myself. I like the world you're building and the way the ghosts are dealt with. The pace seems almost just right. I even enjoyed the short backstory part, even though I thought you could trim it up a little.
The setting was fine. i felt like you were being too "literary" in your initial descriptions. later on, when you get into your zone, I felt like you nailed the descriptions down well. It's that whole roof top scene again :-)
This is a really fun start, Alana! I'm intrigued by the premise and your protagonist is likeable and believable, even with her paranormal job! Your voice here is solid too, though I wasn't as engaged it or by Kasey as I'd like to be just yet, but you have definite potential here!I like that you casually mention Kasey's dealings with the underworld early on, but I think your intimation was a bit too brief. I would've liked a more solid identification of what she does with the undead, rather than just that she'd be out of a job. It would hook me more immediately.I really like the concept of the jade necklace too as housing the supernatural energy--very cool!I'm also not sure this one is placed on the Genre Map accurately. It doesn't feel urban fantasy to me at all--UF is darker and grittier, also more big-city focused. This reads very much like Paranormal Mystery to me. And I'd probably suggest flip-flopping the tones. I think light should be primary, fantastic secondary to get it in its proper place :)
I found the pacing of these pages is a little inconsistent. When you're in the present and using action to tell the story it moves quickly and smoothly. Sewing the backstory in though seems to slow you down a bit. I think this is partially because some of the interjected anecdotes and memories last a little longer than feels natural. As a result, it's pulling the reader out of the story for too long at a given time, so it feels like a bout of hiccups getting in the way. Don't get me wrong, I like the backstory and the memory of the first time she saw a ghost--I think it's great history for Kasey! Just be careful how much time you spend on it and pay attention to what those kinds of things mean for the narrative flow as a whole.
I don't really know the New Haven area at all but from what I can tell, you've done a good job capturing a realistic setting here. At times, though, I think you get into too much of the nitty-gritty with the compass directions of things--a reader won't need to visualize that. But based on the title I'm guessing there is a reason for this I don't know yet?I also like the setting of a murder in an art gallery. It's fun AND cultural! :-p
I think you've got a good start here. I like the cultural elements of your main character's nainai because it sets it apart from some other ghost novels I've read before. Is she afraid of dying young like the older woman? I'd like to know more about what drives her.
If you're worried about the pacing it might be best to just jump right in. Is the scene on the roof strictly necessary? How does it move the plot forward?
The art gallery murder is interesting idea. I'd have to see how the plot unfolds around it to really analyze it. If you need any help, I'm from New Haven originally and I'm familiar with the gallery. I used to work at Yale Press.
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